TigerNINTails
Posts: 178
Joined: 5/16/2005
Status: offline
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Hi folks,
I realize this thread started a long time ago. Goes to show how long it's been since I've been on collarme, I guess, considering this is the first I've seen this.
However, it's also apparent, that this thread has touched a common cord among all the participants, and in all cases, even those that are more abrasive in their blunt response and cut to the quick answers, I'd have to say that there hasn't been a response that wasn't stemmed in the thought that they are trying to do the right thing, and give sound advice.
That said, one thing I'd like to say is kudos to certain people (Osidegirl on the top of that list) for being so blunt about the reality of it.
This, if anyone has a give as shit one way or another, is my take...
First off, PTSD is a difficult thing to transition from, for anyone. I personally grew up through an abusive child-hood, and I'd likely wager I'm one of the very few who was strong enough to work through it on my own. When I was first removed by my mother from that situation, counseling was the first thing I was shown.
Counseling, unfortunately for me, at the time was not what I was interested in. Forgetting was. Being pushed for information, to open up, to talk about my situation, my feelings on the matter only forced more closure. This isn't to say that this will happen with everyone. Remember, when this happened (not the abuse, but the counseling), I was only 9 years of age.
But even then, I had the counselor snowed. I put on a happy face, I gave all the "right" answers, displayed all the "right" attitudes, and in general didn't indicate that anything at all was wrong whatsoever. When asked, "Everything is alright... I'm doing good, mom has us in a good place, I like my school, friends, blah blah blah."
Bullshit, all of it, but it's what helped me to cope... I didn't want to talk about what had happened. This might be the case with her. But I will also say, that at 9 years of age, and I suspect it's the same with all others that have gone through an abusive situation in their lives, it takes quite a while to come to grips with the fact that you don't know what the hell you're doing, either to yourself, or to those around you.
It wasn't until about a year after I stopped seeking counseling, or any help for that matter, even through talking to family and/or friends, that I started to manifest a total flip in personality type, and I began to become violent... This was about when I was 10. Fights in school, flipping out and becoming angry over the stupidest or smallest things (like some lil kid saying "your momma!").
This girl is going to take years to overcome what she's gone through. For every day of abuse, count on months of recovery. This isn't a "guesstimate". This is drawn from cold hard trial and error, attempting to rectify it in my own head.
It took me (from the age of 10, when the temper began to flair) a good decade or decade and a half (well into one of my longest love relationships, as a matter of fact) before I really got a good grip on things enough to finally find the wherewithall to dig into my personal "reasons why" with my previous abuse, how I felt, the forgiveness I ultimately had to grant my abuser and letting go of my fantasies of of pumping a .50 cal slug through the skull of any and all males (even school mates) that ever laid one finger upon me in a manner I didn't like, with a Barret Light .50 sniper's rifle.
Trust me on this. An abusive relationship, even one that lasts only a few months is nothing to scoff at. Aside from PTSD, which is slung with abandon, there is another psychological traum/brainwashing that occurs with abuse victims, and this is something I also had to come to terms with.
It's called "Stockholm Syndrome" and first came to light due to a bank robbery in Stockholm, Sweden, where a group of heavily armed assailants took hostages in a bank and held them for several days.
Amidst psychological abuse, fear tactics and coercion, eventually, this resulted in a mental state where the victimized didn't even want to testify against the criminals in question. In fact, there were several that actually paid to fund the criminals defense. They empathized with them. This is something that can happen with normal abuse victims also.
Shylah, you need to understand, there is much more here than meets the eye, or the ears. It's my personal opinion, that while your Masters intents are of the most admirable, yes... They pave the road to hell, and he needs to be made aware of that fact. And it is a fact. It happens all too often.
Remember also, that those that fail to learn from history, are doomed to repeat it. In my particular case, I learned from MY history. When it began to rear it's ugly head, I hadn't yet dealt with it, and so was suddenly forced to. I recognized it for what it was. Some are not so fortunate.
The sooner this girl gets the proper help, the better. Living in a D/s - M/s (as this seems to be) polyamorous relationship, directly from an abusive relationship is not going to help her right now. What needs to be done, is to let her wrap her own head around her own problems and learn ( as so many others have pointed out, I don't want to kick a dead horse... But... *Puts on the steel toes*) to stand on her own two feet, think with her own head, live her own life...
Then, and ONLY then, when this girl can actually, without doubt, come back to you and your Master and say "I really want what you have. I know now how to live my life without you, but this is something I want, and I want it for X, X, and X reasons.", then and only then should she even be considered for collaring.
She has to do this, of her own accord, with clear vision (in her head), a clear concience, no pressure from any outside sources, no coaching, no coercion and most of all... She must do it from a healed place, or at least mostly healed. Healed enough to clearly and concisely make her own decisions for her own life.
If she is to stay in your home... Let me put it in perspective. If this girl was in this situation with me, there would be no "mark of ownership" as that indicates my interest in owning her, and I won't do that until it's clear it's truly what she wants, when she's decided it's for her, and with a clear mindset.
One month before deciding to come with you guys is really a matter of choosing the lesser of two evils, in my opinion... This isn't to say that you're evil. But the poly D/s-M/s situation is NOT what she needs, regardless of what she says she wants. She needs counseling, people that have been there done that, and people that are certified to handle it.
You or your Master are not these people, for all practical intents and purposes. In fact, the lack of amount of time for you Master bringing her into the dynamic at all, indicates something a little disturbing. These are the reason why behind that:
1. It tells me he either is ignoring common sense, or doesn't practice thinking things through clearly and fully.
2. He's doing it for his own selfish gain, or as an ego stroke (like look at me, I can fix a broken one!)....
Sorry to be so blatantly abrupt, but thems the facts right there. None of this said your hearts are in the wrong place, in fact, I think your hearts are entirely in the right one.
However, I have to question the forethought, and the wisdom, of bringing a damaged girl into an environment that causes entirely too much stress for someone that is gun-shy already. WIITWD, as Cruel Desires put it, is too risky a proposition for someone that is already on the parapice.
My advice is to let her stay, and have a support network. Put her in touch with other support networks. Cut out the D/s - M/s dynamic altogether until she's really had the opportunity (as in is living on her own, working on her own, not dependent on others, has seen at least a years worth of counseling) to seriously work through, identify and conquer her "reasons why" in the feelings that are going to (note: this is not a maybe, it will happen) surface as a result of the abuse she has gone through.
It is also pressed to note that mental abuse can take much longer to heal, because it affects a persons belief system, which in turn affects their self esteem. This doesn't heal over a months time. Most times, not even in a years time. I was once in a non-abusive relationship (I'm a switch) with a Mistress and I was there for a period of two months, before it was apparent it wouldn't work.
It took me a full year, of locking myself away with myself, before I was really ready to tackle another relationship, and even then, I didn't bottom again for a full ten or so years. Of course, I was still tackling other issues too, as this was during my "abuse recovery" period as well.
So I guess you could say I've had experience similar to hers, though I never rushed into things. Now understand, it was 11 years prior, that my issues began to surface from the abuse... When I got into this relationship, and I was still rediscovering myself. Granted, for kids it might take longer. It could have been shorter if I had help.
But I hope this illustrates it to you. Cut the D/s-M/s dynamic IMMEDIATELY... It doesn't matter if she lives in you and your Masters home, according to your rules. But don't have her assuming a role she's definitely not ready for.
And your Master might want to look into being more proactive and decisive when it comes to the well-being of a slave, especially when one shows even the inkling of having suffered any previous abuse, mental, spiritual, sexual or physical.
Like I've said before, I believe that the intent is positive. However, the path to hell is paved with great intentions. Be forewarned. Sometimes, the signs are nigh invisible even when they're right in your face. And sometimes... Invisible BECAUSE of it. Don't allow your closeness to the situation blind you.
Only when she delves to the deepest root cause of the emotional upheaval, her insecurities, her skittishness, etc. will she be able to accept what's happened, begin the healing, the forgiveness process and then grow out of it. Only after she's identified her core "reasons why" she feels the way she feels or thinks the way she thinks. Only then can she actually begin the process of becoming whole enough to really define what she wants.
Now is no that time. As for your criticisms of her, and your frustration. I see precisely why you feel this way, but in order to handle that, perhaps more research on your part into PTSD, Stockholm Syndrome etc. might be useful to you in understanding her mind-set, and assist in developing the patience necessary to assist her in a positive way towards healing.
But definitely help her research and find the right post abusive relationship counseling that is right for her. And as it's said before, and illustrated by my story above... It's not all the same, and not all counselors are good for a particular person. Finding the right one is going to likely take time. So be prepared. And start laying more positive groundwork.
I gotta get out of here, this has taken too much of my time already. Peace. 
_____________________________
Consistent Discipline Renders Punishment Unnecessary
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RE: Frustrated with Masters second submissive. - 
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