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Disappearing (then reappearing) kinksters - 4/30/2007 3:31:14 PM

AAkasha

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There have been a lot of threads talking about people who "disappear" before real life meetings, or disappear after a few phone calls when things start to feel more "real." I know in my experience, many submissive men do disappear when things start to progress, and a common theme seems to be that the fantasy got a little to close to reality, and for whatever reason it scared them off.

(I am not talking about those married and hiding it).

I started doing BDSM as soon as I was old enough to date, so there was little/no pressure going into it (I had no idea what S&M was at the time, I was just going with my gut instincts and doing what felt good and was exciting at the time), but I can imagine how much pressure and stress would be put on someone who had thought about something for years, then was finally faced with doing it for the first time. And I have seen first hand a lot of the weird, ambivalent submissive types who have a minor freak out after their first BDSM experience, call it overwhelming, get confused, have a love/hate relationship with it, and then disappear.

But what about those that disappear, only to reappear weekr or months later? What have your experiences been with this, both as the "disappear-er" and partner of the person who vanished and came back? Is it just a symptom of those that think they must have it, then think they can live without it, then realize they can't live without it and come back once again?

Akasha

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RE: Disappearing (then reappearing) kinksters - 4/30/2007 3:40:32 PM

MsBearlee

Posts: 1032
Joined: 2/15/2006
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Really good question...but how to answer? People get cold feet! I think it's a shame, personally…especially for dominants who, I feel, should know better and be of stronger stuff.

Yes, we’re bucking society…and that can be hard; for some WIITWD is shameful and they’re embarrassed by their desires.

I imagine it’s especially hard for submissive men; though oddly, they outnumber us several to one. Even Dominant men, though, find it difficult to ‘beat a woman’…even if their partner begs them to do so.

It’s all so sad, that we can’t just handle that we’re human and that it’s okay to be an odd duck.

So yeah, some disappear. I try to avoid that part by insisting on a few notes exchanged and then a meeting; sooner than later. That way, IF they decide to bolt, I’ve not lost a great deal of time.

For some, they just disappear because they feel their profiles weren’t working and re-appear with new nics. That really upsets me because of one I refused to continue with a year or so ago, turned out to be the same one I damn near invited to lunch. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…

B

Edited to add: I figure this is a 'numbers game'...like when I used to sell Encyclopedias door-to-door. You've got to get a 100 no's (including no-shows?) to find the Yes's. ...or is that kiss a lota frogs? hmmmmmmmmm...

< Message edited by MsBearlee -- 4/30/2007 3:42:49 PM >

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RE: Disappearing (then reappearing) kinksters - 4/30/2007 3:42:42 PM

bowandserve

Posts: 30
Joined: 3/2/2007
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Seems to be my main line of posts - I'm the one they disappear on. When they crawl back they usually drop a "hi" email expecting to be yelled at. I simply write back asking why. Many times it's what you said - I was real, I was dominant, and this is something that is hard for guys to grasp about themselves. A few times it was they didn't think they could live up it - even a simple email stressed them that it wouldn't say the right thing. Some have always been in control and when they happen upon me and feel that uncomfortableness, the sweating just from meeting, they love it at first then it's too much to deal with.

You wouldn't believe the pouring of emotions and then literally the next day, gone without a trace. I've come to expect it more than be surprised by it. Men, in my experience in this, know how to get what they want, are overwhelmed with the feeling of freedom and vulnerableness (?), love it, but then are too out of their realm of experience - if they can't process it and make sense of it they just bury it down again. Instead of going with the flow they get themselves so worked up over possibilities it's like major therapy session. I've learned to not get too caught up in the affections or attention as it's sure to quickly turn the other way.

I know I should stay away from newbies but these very things that frustrate me are the same that fascinate me about it all - the release from their mask and having the power to give that to them.

They usually always come back just to check in but then back off again.

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RE: Disappearing (then reappearing) kinksters - 4/30/2007 4:22:10 PM

Quivver

Posts: 1953
Joined: 11/27/2004
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I cant say I thought about this for years. The realization of what I was doing took years to become noticeable enough to find a name for it. The pressure was and is only in making good choices. I like so many others have not always made the best choices for myself. And that is where the ~love/hate~ relationship that makes me come and go (at least from the other side of CM) I couldn’t tell you how many times I have deactivated my profile and returned. I realize what I am doing is different then what your question pointed to. Yet all in all very similar.

My feet are cold once again. Although I assume the blame by choosing poorly or being too picky by wanting that ~blend~ that Michael speaks of occasionally. Yet half of that blend is what I continually find. To accept half only cheats myself. Which just starts a whole new reason to become inactive if I even try to work with half.

Lately I’ve done a lot of soul searching and know, I am what I am. There’s no changing that.
And although I’ve removed my profile once again it might return someday. Right now, I don’t know.

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RE: Disappearing (then reappearing) kinksters - 4/30/2007 4:36:12 PM

domiguy

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The reason for the dissapearing I believe is based upon what aspect of importance does one place on all of this? Is it actually healthy? If it is simply a kink,which for many I'm sure it is, how does this blend with having a relationship where you actually desire more from a partner?

These are the tricky questions that there are no easy answers for?

How does a women who wants to be an equal yet craves the domination make it all work out? Or how does the Dom who actually values the opinion and thoughts of a partner keep the sexual tension high but yet still give his partner all that is necessary to feel the comfort and nurturing they require.

The more you get into this and look at it,,,You have to sometimes think that you are truly lighting both ends of the candle which will inevitably cause a relationship to fail...it is an extremely difficult wire to balance and keep everything afloat.

I could be wrong but I think this leads to many to becoming disgruntled and checking in and out as their desires ebb and flow.

Quivver I always enjoy your posts and you should participate in the forums if nothing else.

< Message edited by domiguy -- 4/30/2007 4:37:33 PM >

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RE: Disappearing (then reappearing) kinksters - 4/30/2007 4:48:01 PM

Quivver

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quote:

ORIGINAL: domiguy

How does a women who wants to be an equal yet craves the domination make it all work out?

Equal? ........ not in the least. That equal thing is what snuck up and bit me due to never really taking that place. I never saw myself as ~equal~. After a decade or two in the Nilla world it becomes obvious what your doing. And over there a door mat is just an unhappy wife. Domination I believe can work with the correct set of individuals who want to put out the effort and understand that neigher is perfect. (ok most of the time we let him think he's perfect) But knowing oneself and having the ability to communicate clearly is paramount.

I think the old cliche is too chiefs and not enough indians.
The Chief has to run the T pee....
The indian has to trust the Chief not to fuck up.

........................... thanks for the kind words........

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RE: Disappearing (then reappearing) kinksters - 4/30/2007 5:29:00 PM

GoddessDustyGold

Posts: 2822
Joined: 4/11/2004
From: Arizona
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Yes, I believe many of the "disappearances" are due to the fact that this might actually happen. Perhaps they feel safe at their own computer, but when it comes to actually meeting for coffee it is too scary. Buyer's remorse, so to speak.
I won't even get into the ones who write once or twice and then fall off the face of the earth, not to mention the ones that get to the "telephone" stage and then run away after the first conversation. The very first email I opened today had a big bold [You cannot reply as this user no longer has an account] (or something like that). Nice letter, couple of nice photos, and a final sentence saying he hopes he will hear from Me. *Shrug* Kind of hard to reply when I have no way to reply in a matter of hours!
OH...I just had a thought! Do you think all the complaints we get about no answers to email could be because these people don't realize they are deleting their accounts as soon as they send a note?

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RE: Disappearing (then reappearing) kinksters - 4/30/2007 5:33:15 PM

MercTech

Posts: 3706
Joined: 7/4/2006
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Not meeting is hard to understand for me. Of course, I've been called a conversation slut. I'll talk to anyone about anything interesting.
If I don't meet someone, it means something happened. If I didn't call, it means something happened that left me unable to call or bad enough everything else went right out of mind. And, I disappear when I am extremely busy then show up again when life gets saner. Hey, 12 hours a day 6 days a week for a contract leaves little time for socializing.

Stefan

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RE: Disappearing (then reappearing) kinksters - 4/30/2007 6:52:31 PM

MistressSassy66

Posts: 1675
Joined: 11/5/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

There have been a lot of threads talking about people who "disappear" before real life meetings, or disappear after a few phone calls when things start to feel more "real." I know in my experience, many submissive men do disappear when things start to progress, and a common theme seems to be that the fantasy got a little to close to reality, and for whatever reason it scared them off.

(I am not talking about those married and hiding it).

I started doing BDSM as soon as I was old enough to date, so there was little/no pressure going into it (I had no idea what S&M was at the time, I was just going with my gut instincts and doing what felt good and was exciting at the time), but I can imagine how much pressure and stress would be put on someone who had thought about something for years, then was finally faced with doing it for the first time. And I have seen first hand a lot of the weird, ambivalent submissive types who have a minor freak out after their first BDSM experience, call it overwhelming, get confused, have a love/hate relationship with it, and then disappear.

But what about those that disappear, only to reappear weekr or months later? What have your experiences been with this, both as the "disappear-er" and partner of the person who vanished and came back? Is it just a symptom of those that think they must have it, then think they can live without it, then realize they can't live without it and come back once again?

Akasha

I have been guilty of disappearing,especially lately due to a family thing.
Sometimes there are things that have to be dealt with and the timing can suck.
I had to cancel a few things due to this family issue.
I have had to cancel due to headaches(Migraines).
To some that may seem like I'm a fake,but really its just other life stuff getting in the way.
There are times when I am just to busy doing sessions to get online and visit the sites I have profiles on.
So its not that I disappeared,I'm just held up getting on the site.

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RE: Disappearing (then reappearing) kinksters - 4/30/2007 7:06:59 PM

Eruditegirl

Posts: 53
Joined: 3/15/2006
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I think people disappear for numerous reasons some of which have been posted already....
I was flipping channels today and saw a show about online dating...( I have been guilty of this)...you go out...or talk to someone and then you check your email and 5 others guys are waiting for your mail back or attention....if the date was ok...I usually answer the emails back...if it was a awesome date...I ignore the emails or a polite...sorry....

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RE: Disappearing (then reappearing) kinksters - 4/30/2007 7:08:59 PM

Elorin

Posts: 970
Joined: 8/22/2004
From: San Antonio, TX
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I have had a few online partners that disappeared. After a first disappearance, I'm willing to give someone a second chance. After it happens a second time, with no notice, just blam...gone for months on end without a phone call, e-mail, or anything? If I am that unimportant to them, I don't want to continue the relationship. Unless they can prove they were hospitalized with no computer access, or in jail, or what have you, I am not interested in the emotional vacuum.

It makes me feel very unimportant.

~E

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