BondageTopJere
Posts: 170
Joined: 8/22/2006
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I've experienced a profound awakening over the last day or so, sparked by a thread here on the boards ( I must say thanks to one of the posters, Whiplashsmile, as it was his reply and a link he provided in a thread that lead me to it). One of the links lead me a book written by a Dr. Brian Gilmartin titled Shyness & Love: Casues, Consequences, and Treament, and reading it was a very ephinical experience, as well as being very cathartic as well. I've gotten to hear some peoples in discovering BDSM and the feeling involved upon doing so. Finally, something came along that resonanted with the core of thier being. I've heard from both D's and s's that have been moved to tears and feeling of joy upon discovering they were not alone, I had a near-identical reaction on reading that book.
Some very small percentage of men, I believe its 1.5% by the writers estimate, have moderate to severe shyness and anxiety in regards to romance and love, and more importantly, only in regard to the opposite sex. Shyness and introversion are caused by many things, but heterosexual and only hetero men have the cause of their shyness to be eligble women they find attractive. In fact it was a distinct enough and had a similiar pattern from male to male for him to coin the term "love-shy" specifically for both the casue and effect for the shyness these men experienced. Pretty much it put forths the theory that a TOO strong romantic desires on the part of the male leads to shyness and the accompanying anxieties.
The books very long and theres quite a bit of it that that only a trained pshycologist or smiliar could understand. However, when it came to reading his descriptions of a the typical reactions and behaviors of love-shy men, I went through... a very.. enlightening experience, as I match up to those patterns probably in excess of 98%, in all area in which he described some areas are:
Lack of close male friends in the same age group. ( I've never had one )
Early childhood romantic feelings, unrequited or not ( Had my first crush in 1st grade)
Total disinterst in most typically boy activities ( I still can't stand football, basketball, hockey etc)
Others mistake the lack of obvious success or desires for the opposite sex as indications of homosexuality ( A lot of people I meet still think I'm gay, even though I have never been physically attracted to a man , EVER)
Theres a lot more to it than that. But finally realizing that this wasn't a isloated case for me calls into question for me personally BDSM. I can't help but feel that my attraction to BDSM is not I'm intrisically inclined towards D/s, but its in compensation for my love-shyness. While I highly enjoy the play and physical aspects, the actual D/s dynamic has never felt like its a good fit. Somewhat like buying clothes that look good on the rack, but once you get home and wear it, they lost their appeal somehow. The simplicity and impersonal nature that can be inherent to some degree or another is appealing, becasue it glosses over and shortcuts the anxieties. But I think that all this may be self-deception on my part. I somehow KNOW that if I was introduced to an attractive, eligible sub, someone who is in every respect a match, I would still feel the overwhelming anxiety involved in making even simple conversation. Or conversely, my D/s nature is quite seperate from my love-shyness, but the love-shy nature is what has prevented me in the past from being an a D/s relationship.
So my question is two-fold. Are there any other hetero males who feel this way? If you have in the past or do now, are there any successful therapies to cure it? Rather unlike BDSM, which I suspect to a large degree we are born with, love-shyness is an enitrely learned subconsious thing, a kind of people-phobia, and as such the same sort of therapy can work. The write of the book mentioned a method of therapy referred to as "practic-dating". One of the consequences, and a very severe one at that, as that most love-shy men simply never learn the interpersonal skills most men do during early teen/teen years. It fits me to a "T" at any rate, cause I'm still almost completely clueless when it comes to reading body langauge and behaviors that indicate romantic interest.
by the way, i'm located in the St. Louis metro area, so any specific recomendations for a therapist/counselor would be much appreciated as well.
Look forward to the replies
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love-shyness and therapy - 
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