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'Dreaded Friends Category' - 7/15/2007 11:45:51 AM

Saint

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I am just a bit curious about this today. How many submissives on here routinely meet someone within this lifestyle or outside of it while looking for a relationship and keep finding themselves in that whole dreaded friends category?

I know that for me, I am getting quite tired of being everyones friend. I just recently had a wonderful Domme tell me that I am a wonderful person to know, but she is afraid of ruining that by trying to be more with me. *shakes head* It is perplexing and I have to keep asking myself just what the hell am I doing wrong if I am such a wonderful guy and yet all anyone ever wants from me is friendship. Maybe I am a good guy to know, but should that be such a negative thing when looking for a person to be with? Do I need to be an asshole in order to find someone?

Anywhoo, the original point was that I am simply curious about how many submissives (male or female) keep ending up in that friend category.

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RE: 'Dreaded Friends Category' - 7/15/2007 11:54:56 AM

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I don't ever view "friends" as a "dreaded" category to be in. I place a great deal of value on having and being a friend. I can not assume that I will be relationship material for everyone and the reality is that MOST of the time when I meet someone who I wish to have continued interactions with it will be as friends. I don't take it as a personal slam when someone tells me that they want to be friends and I certainly hope that no one feels slammed when I relate such a thing to them.

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(in reply to Saint)

RE: 'Dreaded Friends Category' - 7/15/2007 11:57:19 AM

ready4srvce4all

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Hey, don't knock that. Even worse is when you get told, "you're like a brother to me." I also learned that those who see you as a friend, if you remain one long enough, may eventually become more. However, unless they are into incest, the brother label never leaves.

Hang in there. All kidding aside, being told you are a friend also can be interpreted as being needed, trusted, and valued. Nothing bad about any of that, and you know who is always looking out for your best interests? A friend. So don't take it so hard, it's better than being told to never make contact again, or like my first wife did to me, stab me. And if it blossoms into a truly special friendship, keep in mind, many people never get that.

Good luck!

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RE: 'Dreaded Friends Category' - 7/15/2007 12:00:20 PM

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That happened to me for a very long time in the nilla world. Then, something happened, and I didn't get that anymore. For me, I think it was something about the energy I was giving off in the world.

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RE: 'Dreaded Friends Category' - 7/15/2007 1:10:15 PM

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That used to happen to me a lot. I listened well, people came to me with troubles and needing a shoulder to cry on and I would end up really caring for them. Meanwhile, they'd be in a place where they just couldn't be in a relationship... with me. They'd get into relationships with other people, of course... just not with the person they could spill their guts to. God forbid I see them as human AND see them as dominant.

< Message edited by salilus -- 7/15/2007 1:14:24 PM >

(in reply to Saint)

RE: 'Dreaded Friends Category' - 7/15/2007 1:22:55 PM

Posts: 112
Joined: 6/10/2007
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Hell it seems as a Domme I keep ending up in that category or it's just a business relationship. Kind of depressing.

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RE: 'Dreaded Friends Category' - 7/15/2007 1:29:29 PM

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The flipside is being a guy that women are inclined to fuck, but not stay friends with. There have been a few times, after a relationship fell through, where I've thought to myself, "OK, the relationship is over, that's clear enough, but why did you have to turn into SUCH a cunt overnight?" That just makes me want to forget the times I spent with them.

I mean, it's not like I'm whining, but don't discount friendships if they're genuine.

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RE: 'Dreaded Friends Category' - 7/15/2007 1:54:09 PM

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Nothing wrong with being friends. It must be a little frustrating when you are looking for a relationship and all you get is friends. I am a firm believer you can never have too many friends. So hang in there and don't discount being friends.

Matt's littleone

(in reply to Lordandmaster)

RE: 'Dreaded Friends Category' - 7/15/2007 2:05:24 PM

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I think you can have too many friends and I've never made a friend through a kinky outlet. My ex wants to stay friends and I still love him and I wish all the best for him, but I just can't be his friend. He takes up energy I want to find a more fulfilling outlet for. And frankly, most of my friends have been my friends for 15+ years. I have one newer friend, but I met her through a professional interest and if we didn't encourage and excite each other professionally, I don't think we would be close. "Friend" is a lifelong commitment and I really only have room for about 5, plus my family, in my life.

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RE: 'Dreaded Friends Category' - 7/15/2007 2:19:46 PM

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There's always the opposite way to go.

'You're either in my life in a relationship sense, or you're not in my life at all.' You're a busy person, right? Who has time for all these 'friends'?

<shudders at the thought>

Jeff

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RE: 'Dreaded Friends Category' - 7/15/2007 2:28:43 PM

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My impression is that the vast majority of people we meet, are not going to end up in relationships with us. Most of these people are not going to be folks we want to continue to maintain contact with, either, because they just did not click with us. If the majority of people you meet want to be friends with you, as opposed to just writing you off as a romantic prospect, that has to be saying something very positive about you as a person. Although it is disappointing that you have not met your perfect match yet, maybe you could feel a little good about being an exceptional person?

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RE: 'Dreaded Friends Category' - 7/15/2007 2:38:54 PM

MisstressNboytoy

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"You can never have too many friends" was the obvious response you were going to get to this post. But, that really doesn't help things when you feel that you and this person would be a good match for a relationoship beyond friendship. If you do choose to "just be friends" with her, then it may be a long time (if ever) before you are able to forget about wanting more. Especially if you go into the friendship thinking eventually she will change her mind about how she feels about you. Trust me, that is just making it worse on yourself.

But...here's my honest feeling about what is going on here, with the caveat that all the information I have is from your original post and I don't know anything about the two of you, so I reserve the right to be completely wrong. When a woman says to you that she doesn't want to be more than friends because it might ruin your relationship, that is a bunch of (insert favorite expletive here) almost all of the time. Granted, maybe she really feels this way, but be honest with yourself and know that she probably just isn't interested in you beyond being a friend, and that probably won't change. At least she isn't leading you on, or just disappearing on you, as seems to happen so often around here.

(in reply to mstrjx)

RE: 'Dreaded Friends Category' - 7/15/2007 2:55:01 PM

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Count me in, though i enjoy making friends; because you never know when the friendship will turn into something more

(in reply to Saint)

RE: 'Dreaded Friends Category' - 7/15/2007 2:55:23 PM

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Joined: 12/3/2005
From: Stockton, California
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quote:

ORIGINAL: salilus

That used to happen to me a lot. I listened well, people came to me with troubles and needing a shoulder to cry on and I would end up really caring for them. Meanwhile, they'd be in a place where they just couldn't be in a relationship... with me. They'd get into relationships with other people, of course... just not with the person they could spill their guts to. God forbid I see them as human AND see them as dominant.

A female dominant on these boards and I were talking at one time about this (this used to be one of my standard complaints), and she said something that made complete sense, and I've been living my life by that mantra ever since. The jist of it is: If a woman tells you at the beginning stages of a relationship that either a: She wants to be friends, or b: She isn't ready for a relationship right now but would rather be friends (and still manages to be dating others who treat her bad, cheat on her, steal out of her wallet, etc., what that really means is she does want a relationship. Just not with you.

I can't tell you how many female friends I have in my life. It's absurd. Yes, I'm that guy they can call in the middle of the night and pour their heart out to, knowing I'll always listen, and no matter how bad the other guy treated them, they're still going to make the comment "I wish I could find someone like you" and still go back to the other abusive guy. But that's okay because the women who I have as friends I actually value as friends, as the word "friend" really means something to me, not just as a placeholder for "not interested in me".

So, I started treating this differently since discovering that. Yes, women will probably hate me for saying this, but I'm not really going to apologize because it has made my life a lot simpler and less hectic. I'll give you an example of an exchange that happened last year at the university where I am a grad student.

A very attractive female grad student started last year and we finally had a moment to sit down and talk. At one point, her flirtatous attitude indicates to me that she finds me interesting and is quite interested in hearing more about me. So, I start to inquire "relationship"-wise. She blurted out. "I don't really see you that way. I see you more as a friend. A really good one."

I smile, nod, and say: "I appreciate it, but all my friends are people I've dated. It usually takes a long time to become a friend with me. I don't see that happening. So, good luck to you."

So, all during last year, this woman was hanging on my every word, interested in everything I said, wrote and discussed. She came by my office and wanted to hang out with me, constantly inviting me to "grab a bite or some coffee". Halfway through the semester, she comes by my office and tells me about how she broke up with her boyfriend and then wants to tell me the whole story. I smile, nod, and say: "I'm sorry. I'm not comfortable discussing intimate subjects with someone I'm not involved with."

Rest of semester, she won't leave my office whenever I'm around. Tells me, she's been "thinking" about me. She had a dream about me the other night. All that sort of stuff. Close to the end of the semester, she visits my office and asks: "How come we never got together? We seem so alike." I look up from my book and respond: "I'm very particular about the women I date. I have special needs." And I leave it at that.

Received an email from her the other day, stating that she was looking forward to seeing me again when the semester starts. Gave an indication she discovered some "info" and is anxious to talk to me when we get together. If she shows up on the first day in black leather and a whip, I'll have a good idea what "info" she discovered. And if she does, I'll introduce her to the woman I'm dating. That ought to be interesting.

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(in reply to salilus)

RE: 'Dreaded Friends Category' - 7/15/2007 3:06:27 PM

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Some subs want to be my friend.
But what they mean by that is that I can 'play' with them but I musn't expect a proper relationship.
Oh and some don't even offer friendship.
Just do me and then go away.
Maybe they are just letting you down easy and maybe they mean it.
Who knows. You won't know unless you follow it through with them. But that can be hard on you.
Try not to get cynical or despondent.
I've had to get a lot tougher though maybe you will to.

(in reply to MisstressNboytoy)

RE: 'Dreaded Friends Category' - 7/15/2007 3:14:41 PM

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FR

I have many friends with dreads and they are quite a
a likable lot.

Missy.

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RE: 'Dreaded Friends Category' - 7/15/2007 5:18:36 PM

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hmmmm....i have the opposite difficulty...i meet dominants who are funny, bright, articulate, intelligent & witty & when i tell them that i am collared & owned, they say, "i only want to be friends, anyway"...i take them at their word, start to chat with them & discover that all they want to know about are my sexual proclivities...end of "friendship"...i would love if one or more of them would offer a genuine friendship...

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RE: 'Dreaded Friends Category' - 7/15/2007 5:35:57 PM

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"Let's be friends" means go away. It's nice and pleasant....And meaningless.

Friends are special....Good friends are a rarity. Most the women that I have been in a relationship with I have established a friendship...It takes time for them to forgive me....But in the end, I guess things more often than naught just fall into place.

I met someone last night that was super fucking cool....There was no physical attraction but she had this killer spark....I loved talking with her....The conversation was alll over the fucking place...It wasn't dull...Just a real groovy vibe....I look forward to being in her company again.

I think it is difficult to be a sub....Too much bullshit on definitions and expectations....The end.

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RE: 'Dreaded Friends Category' - 7/15/2007 5:51:15 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: domiguy

I think it is difficult to be a sub....Too much bullshit on definitions and expectations....The end.

It is difficult on this side of the kneel, Domiguy...but that just makes the good stuff that much tastier

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RE: 'Dreaded Friends Category' - 7/15/2007 6:11:23 PM

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I have lots of male friends, Doms and vanilla...and it doesnt mean go away at all.

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