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RE: Femdoms can't find a decent male partner - 9/26/2005 10:53:16 PM

Posts: 110
Joined: 9/15/2005
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Shifted Jewel,

I can understand why dommes would be so down on subs that ask the do me questions. Let me play devil's advocate here for a minute. Submissive=Insecure. A man may be secure in every facet of his life except the relationship. He may ask questions that seem harsh to you because he has met many dommes, and something always failed. Some think it's them. Many men do not take the time to properly compose their profile. If they list the things that they wouldn't get involved in, and things they will try, that aspect can be done and over in his mind as soon as you reply to him. If he stopped and thought that he listed heavy play as a hard limit, and a domme replied to him, she also would make the necessary adjustments to eliminate heavy play.

Most subs trip over their tongues at a first meeting, whether it's mailing, chatting, calling, or finally meeting. If you are dealing with these issues at a face to face meeting, then someone made a mistake. By the time iy happens, you should be able to talk about the vanilla world, and what you like in it.

We all fall into the same trap. I met a domme that was all I could wish for. We talked on here, and on the phone, and then met. I found she liked motorcycles, had a bad breakup recently, truly enjoyed her lifestyle activities. I learned she was going back to school, and I may be able to help with some of her homework. Then, the roof fell in. We went shopping, and she ran accross three subs, and one dom. They discussion was very open. As soon as she said that she lived for hard play, and was a very hard player, I knew we had no chance to form a relationship.

This isn't a knock on anyone, but I believe that most dommes check every single interest in the catagory, so men will contact them. If they listed the two, or three things, maybe with a disclaimer in the profile, I think they may get more men in tune with what they desire, and find like minded people. It's tough on a sub when he has to ask a domme why she listed 32 different things. This is just my opinion.

(in reply to ShiftedJewel)

RE: Femdoms can't find a decent male partner - 9/27/2005 4:48:56 AM

Posts: 2492
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quote:

Submissive=Insecure.

Let me be the first to tell you, this statement will most likely get your head ripped off... not by me, but by a lot of submissives, male and female. I do understand the jist of what you are saying though.

quote:

This isn't a knock on anyone, but I believe that most dommes check every single interest in the catagory, so men will contact them. If they listed the two, or three things, maybe with a disclaimer in the profile, I think they may get more men in tune with what they desire, and find like minded people. It's tough on a sub when he has to ask a domme why she listed 32 different things. This is just my opinion.

I believe that is a good possibility, just like it is a good possibility that a lot of sub/slaves do the same thing. I've talked to quite a few that had forced fem checked only to find out that it isn't something they are really into (which was a relief to me). Why list it?... a better chance at hearing from Dominants. I have nothing checked, IMO collarme doesn't have a decent selection of options to check, that or they are just to vague. So rather then explain that although there would be times when naked, cuffed and chained might be great, not a full time sport I enjoy. The chances of me writing to anyone that has every catagory checked is slim to non-existant. I see that as "fishing" and I don't bite at just any bait.

I think the biggest issue here is a combination of a lack of patience and a lack of knowing exactly what it is that you (generic "you") want and/or need. I waited 44 years to find my "soulmate", yes I made some rash and poor decisions along the way, but having learned what it is that I want and NEED in my life brings with it a great deal of patience... I can get past the "do me" questions and move on to more productive topics... most of the time. My advice to you would be to try and find out why you believe you are insecure or that insecurity is a part of your submission. Believe me, it isn't much easier for a dominant to ask a sub/slave why they have so many interests listed either. And along the same line, a dominant may have 3 interests clicked, find a sub/slave that has the exact three listed and still not even come close to connecting. Those are simply a small peek into what could be a possibility under the right circumstances, they are NOT carved in stone, what you find appealing today may be something that you hate next year, they are no different then limits... what you see as a limit today could change under the right circumstances and with the right person.

There isn't a single person on this site that has a visible profile that hasn't gone through pretty much the same things, you have to decide if it's worth sifting through all the bs to find what you are looking for or not. It isn't you and it isn't them, it's just frustrating to try to find that proverbial "needle in a hay stack", that's all.

Jewel

PS... I've tried to view your profile a few times... no luck.

_____________________________

Don't ask, trust me, you won't like the answer... no one ever does.

(in reply to prettyfellowme)

RE: Femdoms can't find a decent male partner - 9/27/2005 6:20:55 AM

Posts: 51
Joined: 9/6/2004
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I actually ran a research on this very topic and came up with some very interesting results (the research panel consisted of approximately 2800 women and approximately 8,000 males in addition to scientific research of which there is little)...

1. The average women is genetically dispositioned to be submissive - so FemDommes are rare in the bigger gene pool of life (only 1 out of 1000 on average). Most women can be domineering and bossy, but that is not the same thing as erotically Dominant.

2. The average heterosexual male fantasizes about being taken by a powerful dominant woman (98%).

3. On average there are 100 male submissives to every 1 femDomme.

4. Out of that 100 male submissives - 87% of them are just looking for kinky sex with a dominant woman - in other words they are bottoms at best for they have no true desire to submit, only to be sexually used by a woman and if it doesn't include sex they are not interested. They are only submissive if they are horny - take away the arousal and they are no longer submissive. (I refer to these men as kinky, not submissive).

5. Out of the 13 male submissives left 5 of them want to be feminized and are not interested in submitting without being dressed as a woman (so if a femDomme is looking for a MALE who loves serving as a male - it only gets harder to find).

6. Out of the 8 left 4 are looking to be rescued - they don't want to have to initiate anything and although they say they will serve - they don't actually want to do anything. They tend to complain alot and have a long list of sad stories about the woes of their life. They carry more baggage than FedEx and if you don't Domme them exactly the way they want they will blame you for abusing them as well.

7. Out of the 4 left 3 just want to avoid responsibiliti - they are basically lazy and want a woman to make all the decisions. They tend to stay detached as they can't be bothered to actually "participate" either... they just tend to float through life.

8. There is only 1 submissive who is emotionally balanced with a true desire to explore his submission (which isn't based on arousal alone).

So odds are FemDommes will have to go through hundreds of submissives to find just a couple of potential matches. To the submissive out there looking - you are a needle in a haystack of horny men. Don't give up - we are looking for you!

Lady Kay
Ottawa, ON Canada

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Femdoms can't find a decent male partner - 9/27/2005 8:10:23 AM

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quote:

6. Out of the 8 left 4 are looking to be rescued - they don't want to have to initiate anything and although they say they will serve - they don't actually want to do anything. They tend to complain alot and have a long list of sad stories about the woes of their life. They carry more baggage than FedEx and if you don't Domme them exactly the way they want they will blame you for abusing them as well.

7. Out of the 4 left 3 just want to avoid responsibiliti - they are basically lazy and want a woman to make all the decisions. They tend to stay detached as they can't be bothered to actually "participate" either... they just tend to float through life.

OMG... I know that guy!!!!!!!!!! How dare I use a "submissive" as a maid/sex toy???? lmao

Jewel

_____________________________

Don't ask, trust me, you won't like the answer... no one ever does.

(in reply to MistressKay)

RE: Femdoms can't find a decent male partner - 9/27/2005 12:20:08 PM

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quote:

So odds are FemDommes will have to go through hundreds of submissives to find just a couple of potential matches. To the submissive out there looking - you are a needle in a haystack of horny men. Don't give up - we are looking for you!

Lady Kay
Ottawa, ON Canada

Now you tell me, yikes!

M

_____________________________

a.k.a. SexyBossyBBW
""Touching was, and still is, and will always be, the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

(in reply to MistressKay)

RE: Femdoms can't find a decent male partner - 9/27/2005 1:08:39 PM

Posts: 127
Joined: 7/10/2004
From: Canada
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Lady Kay - I'm wondering if there was any exploration of the subject, should the Lady in question be considering the option of a co-dominant relationship, as it seems to Me this is an even more daunting notion. However in My experiences with submissive men I find a couple of character traits which I appreciate in a slave but I would not care for in a mate.
Might You have any insight or data on this subject which You could share with Us?
Was the study only done as per m/f = FD/ms? I'd be curious to hear the entire cross section of numbers if it's available.

Sekhemet
London, Ont.

(in reply to BlkTallFullfig)

RE: Femdoms can't find a decent male partner - 9/27/2005 4:03:18 PM

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Lady Kay,

You talk about the per centages of women who are dominant, and those men that are submissive. Your final analysis is about one out of every 100 is a true submissive. My question to you is: Have you done any research on the compatibilty factors between dominant women, and that elusive on sub. If by definition the man truly knows what submission is, and his goal is to serve without reward except the pleasure of knowing he is pleasing his Mistress, doesn't it make sense that most submissive men have the same problem finding a domme? You imply that you are either looking for that one sub, or you have found him. What I can't understand is how the two of you are, or will be compatable, if you want to spank, flog, and whip him. I wonder if there are any studies on females that are truly dominant, or as you put it "kinksters", because beating a man is definitely kinky. I'm going by what you list in your profile as interests. If that one sub you want to find, wants to be beaten, or wants to be chastized, or desires to be burned, wouldn't that make you both kinksters?

(in reply to MistressKay)

RE: Femdoms can't find a decent male partner - 9/27/2005 4:43:45 PM

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Joined: 6/3/2005
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[So femdoms --
What was the most common reason you didn't connect with a male sub who approached you?
The last one I talked with seemed sincere enough and basically had the right qualificiations, but he comes up and says I will be in your town next week. That makes me suspicious there. I would not approach a Male Dom this way. I would be very courtious and watch everything I said to a Male. Why don't the Fem Dom's get the same treatmenet.
How long did it take to find the partner you ended up partnering with? It took a year for me to find my slave.Where did you meet your partner? On my lifestyle site.What about your partner stood out more than the many subs that were competing for your attention? I trained him on-line, and he was able to complete the very demanding training I dished out.

I know there are a lot of threads about how to meet a partner, tips for subs who are contacting femdoms, etc. But I wanted to focus on the absolute success stories -- these subs that have found a femdom partner, what did they do that made them stand out?

Most Dominant people or real folks within the lifestyle know when a person is being genuine and true. I have found from my pasts experiences there are certain things that will tip me off when a person is fantasizing. Don't waist people's time. It is valuable.
REspectfully,

Mistress_Jan

(in reply to Graceisaz)

RE: Femdoms can't find a decent male partner - 9/27/2005 6:34:49 PM

Posts: 127
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: Sacramento, California
Status: offline

quote:

MistressKay:
There is only 1 submissive who is emotionally balanced with a true desire to explore his submission (which isn't based on arousal alone).

Yikes! I hope it's not that rare! However, from what I have seen, you're probably not too far off base. I think I am going to have to expand my search beyond what's online if I ever want to find someone decent. I think, at least I hope, that in a club I would be more likely to find a male sub that is somewhat experienced and "for real" about serving a woman. I think that a huge chunk of the online guys are just kinky, horny, or halfway-committed.

(in reply to MistressJan)

RE: Femdoms can't find a decent male partner - 9/28/2005 6:14:58 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressKay

I actually ran a research on this very topic and came up with some very interesting results (the research panel consisted of approximately 2800 women and approximately 8,000 males in addition to scientific research of which there is little)...

1. The average women is genetically dispositioned to be submissive - so FemDommes are rare in the bigger gene pool of life (only 1 out of 1000 on average). Most women can be domineering and bossy, but that is not the same thing as erotically Dominant.

Hi, Lady Kay. I'm enjoying your posts!

Please let me know how it was that you were able to determine that "the average women is GENETICALLY dispositioned to be submissive." What research/genetic testing is performed in order to reach that conclusion? I've never heard such a thing, and am quite curious.

K

(in reply to MistressKay)

RE: Femdoms can't find a decent male partner - 9/28/2005 6:15:50 AM

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Joined: 9/6/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: prettyfellowme

Lady Kay,

You talk about the per centages of women who are dominant, and those men that are submissive. Your final analysis is about one out of every 100 is a true submissive. My question to you is: Have you done any research on the compatibilty factors between dominant women, and that elusive on sub. If by definition the man truly knows what submission is, and his goal is to serve without reward except the pleasure of knowing he is pleasing his Mistress, doesn't it make sense that most submissive men have the same problem finding a domme? You imply that you are either looking for that one sub, or you have found him. What I can't understand is how the two of you are, or will be compatable, if you want to spank, flog, and whip him. I wonder if there are any studies on females that are truly dominant, or as you put it "kinksters", because beating a man is definitely kinky. I'm going by what you list in your profile as interests. If that one sub you want to find, wants to be beaten, or wants to be chastized, or desires to be burned, wouldn't that make you both kinksters?

First off let me say that I have found my life partner, but due to his rather public standing he has to be careful about attend bdsm events with me locally... what I seek on collarme is a play partner only for fetish events - NOT a life partner.

In answer to your other questions & statements
Yes, submissive men have a terrible time finding a dominant female.
No, I am not into beating men and I am into seducing their body and using controlled levels of pain to bring a deeper arousal and pleasure for us both.
Yes, I am a kinkster and proud of it.

I am not a typical femDomme as like 87% of the submissive men my dominance is directly related to my state of arousal - the more aroused, the more dominant. I am also a sensual sadist so this too adds to the arousal (and in fact is a big part of the arousal). I am not bossy, demanding, or controlling except within a scene... outside the scene I am compassionate, gentle, and very softly feminine.

When I am not scening I am enjoying too many other things in life to ever be just one way: I love the outdoors - hiking, sailing, skating, snow shoeing, etc. so my partner needs to be outdoorsy and athletic... I sing in the national opera company so my partner needs to have a respect for the arts... I am a counselor so he needs to understand that I give a great deal of time helping others... I have a family so that too is another thing he must understand and enjoy.

Finding a partner - kink or otherwise is the same regardless of where you look. Whether vanilla or kink we still need these same basic things;

1. Chemistry (this is the one thing we have NO control over, it's either there or it isn't).
2. Mutual interests (differences are good, but if you don't have enough mutual interests then you don't have a starting point).
3. Similar morals (if one has strong moral beliefs and the other doesn't in the end it wont work - honesty & integrity levels are directly connected to morals).
4. Compatible lifestyles (this is more important than one would think)
5. Compatible intelligence (do you really want someone you have constantly educate and they never get it or someone who talks down to you - this needs to be level).
6. Ease of communication (without communication there can be no relationship)

The only difference we have as kinksters or whatever label you wish to apply is that we want an added layer of intimacy that involves a specific list of activities. I don't need any one specific activity to be happy with my partner - but the option of exploring many diverse kinky things is what keeps our relationship fresh and exciting. He never knows what I will do or how I will do it - he only knows he can trust me and where ever I take him we are going to have a great time together.

Lady Kay

(in reply to prettyfellowme)

RE: Femdoms can't find a decent male partner - 9/28/2005 7:28:47 AM

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Mistress Kay,
Thank you for the reply. It is refreshing to meet a woman that has a true grasp of reality, especially when it comes to lifestyle matters. I have been quite cynical in some of my posts lately. That's due to the fact that I consider myself to be that one per cent. I want a domme to honor and serve. I want a totally committed relationship.

The key to happiness as I see it is mutual interests. As you said, if there isn't a starting point, there can't be a relationship. At my age I have been with many women, some in an intimate sense, and most in a platonic sense. I have never found one yet that I couldn't find a few things that we both enjoyed. In some cases it entailed exploring activities neither of us had tried before, but in the end, we managed to click on some level.

So, what's left is mutual interests in the lifestyle. If you've read my profile, it states very clearly I enjoy women's clothing. I have had limited experience with it, so I guess I'm like the kid in the candy store. My thinking may be skewed, but if I find a woman that enjoys the humiliation of having her man dressed in female attire, I would hope she would want to push it as far and as hard as she can to see what my limits are. She can adjust her level of domination in this area as she goes along.

I went through two marriages dressing secretly, and for very short periods. Both failed, and I believe this had alot to do with it. I have actually met in person several women who say they are dominant, when in fact they are the thrill seekers you spoke of. For me, the ideal partner would be the lady who would like the daily routine of a quazinormal (spelling) relationship, except with a man that is dressed sexier than she is most of the time. Playsessions cannot be ongoing. For the most part, life is stereotypical. You get up, you work, you eat, you relax, and you go to bed. How boring. But, it's a fact.

What the world doesn't know won't hurt them. If the woman likes to have her man in bondage at night so she can torment him, if she like to restrain him occassionally and add some spice to her life, that's their business. A relationship of trust, mutual respect, believing that the other one has your best interests at heart, is a truly glorious life.

Submission is the greatest gift I can give a woman. Knowing that she is in charge, and her word is law, if it is used in the spirit it is intended can also be wonderful. There lies the conundrum. Is she truly dominant, or just kinky, is he truly submissive, or just self absorbed. I probably will never be dominated, at least not in the way that will be rewarding for both. My dream would be to put my Mistress on a pedestal so high, I couldn't knock her off. Thank you again for your wisdom Mistress.

(in reply to MistressKay)

RE: Femdoms can't find a decent male partner - 9/28/2005 9:39:58 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: prettyfellowme

Mistress Kay,
Thank you for the reply. It is refreshing to meet a woman that has a true grasp of reality, especially when it comes to lifestyle matters. I have been quite cynical in some of my posts lately. That's due to the fact that I consider myself to be that one per cent. I want a domme to honor and serve. I want a totally committed relationship.

The key to happiness as I see it is mutual interests. As you said, if there isn't a starting point, there can't be a relationship. At my age I have been with many women, some in an intimate sense, and most in a platonic sense. I have never found one yet that I couldn't find a few things that we both enjoyed. In some cases it entailed exploring activities neither of us had tried before, but in the end, we managed to click on some level.

So, what's left is mutual interests in the lifestyle. If you've read my profile, it states very clearly I enjoy women's clothing. I have had limited experience with it, so I guess I'm like the kid in the candy store. My thinking may be skewed, but if I find a woman that enjoys the humiliation of having her man dressed in female attire, I would hope she would want to push it as far and as hard as she can to see what my limits are. She can adjust her level of domination in this area as she goes along.

I went through two marriages dressing secretly, and for very short periods. Both failed, and I believe this had alot to do with it. I have actually met in person several women who say they are dominant, when in fact they are the thrill seekers you spoke of. For me, the ideal partner would be the lady who would like the daily routine of a quazinormal (spelling) relationship, except with a man that is dressed sexier than she is most of the time. Playsessions cannot be ongoing. For the most part, life is stereotypical. You get up, you work, you eat, you relax, and you go to bed. How boring. But, it's a fact.

What the world doesn't know won't hurt them. If the woman likes to have her man in bondage at night so she can torment him, if she like to restrain him occassionally and add some spice to her life, that's their business. A relationship of trust, mutual respect, believing that the other one has your best interests at heart, is a truly glorious life.

Submission is the greatest gift I can give a woman. Knowing that she is in charge, and her word is law, if it is used in the spirit it is intended can also be wonderful. There lies the conundrum. Is she truly dominant, or just kinky, is he truly submissive, or just self absorbed. I probably will never be dominated, at least not in the way that will be rewarding for both. My dream would be to put my Mistress on a pedestal so high, I couldn't knock her off. Thank you again for your wisdom Mistress.

You aren't in the "one percent" according to Mistress Kay's post. You are in this category:

quote:

5. Out of the 13 male submissives left 5 of them want to be feminized and are not interested in submitting without being dressed as a woman (so if a femDomme is looking for a MALE who loves serving as a male - it only gets harder to find).

It's easier to find a partner if you know what you need and do not hide it (like you did in your previous marriages). Dressing feminine is obviously core to your submission.

Akasha

_____________________________

Akasha's Web - All original Femdom content since 1995
Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

(in reply to prettyfellowme)

RE: Femdoms can't find a decent male partner - 9/28/2005 9:44:29 AM

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Thank you for the response. I'm sure those of us who know you will give that the weight it deserves.

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Femdoms can't find a decent male partner - 9/28/2005 9:47:34 AM

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Joined: 11/27/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: prettyfellowme

Thank you for the response. I'm sure those of us who know you will give that the weight it deserves.

Thank you. I agree, most of the people here are pretty familiar with me from my posts.

Your profile also does talk heavily about your need for dressing up and being en femme, even to the point of joking about the debate of who would wear the wedding dress on the wedding day. It's clear that your need to be feminized is key to your submission, and it's important that you know you aren't in the one per cent Mistress Kay describes. Hopefully, this will allow you to find the relationship that has eluded you for so long, and you can feel what a satisfying BDSM relationship is like.

Akasha

_____________________________

Akasha's Web - All original Femdom content since 1995
Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

(in reply to prettyfellowme)

RE: Femdoms can't find a decent male partner - 9/28/2005 10:49:20 AM

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As long as it isn't with you.

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Femdoms can't find a decent male partner - 9/28/2005 10:58:38 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: prettyfellowme

As long as it isn't with you.

I am already happily married so you won't have to worry about that. I did have many wonderful relationships prior to getting married though, and they all taught me a lot. The most important trait -- honesty.

Be true about who you are and what your needs are, and you won't have to live a lie. Don't compromise your desires to try to force something to work, only to have to lie and cheat later. Too many men try to supress their desires to hook up with a femdom, and it never ends in a good way.

The man I married is devoted and gets his pleasure from pleasing me -- no matter what. And he plays hockey. I'm in heaven.

Akasha
<who is knee deep in hockey lust thanks to pre season)

< Message edited by AAkasha -- 9/28/2005 10:59:21 AM >

_____________________________

Akasha's Web - All original Femdom content since 1995
Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

(in reply to prettyfellowme)

RE: Femdoms can't find a decent male partner - 9/28/2005 11:17:38 AM

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Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
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Your husband plays hockey!! Well, DEEP envy!

Prettyfellowme, I offer this hint to you in the spirit of encouragement: if you have an issue with a domme on these forums, or anywhere, keep it between you and her. Sniping at people is a less than charming quality, and dommes have long memories. A person who insults a friend of mine might still be someone I like, but their behavior is really going to make me think twice about them in the future.

Ms Francine

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Femdoms can't find a decent male partner - 9/28/2005 11:33:40 AM

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Joined: 8/25/2005
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I'm curious? Usually in life, and definitely in the chat rooms that I use to go to, the guys that calmed this and had that, usually got the gal. In the chat rooms, I remember many of the gals later saying the guy lied or was a jerk, but at least he got his foot in the door, unlike me, going the more honest route, I never really got in the door, except for the ones that I honestly wouldn't concider, but did enjoy chatting with them.
My ex did, tried S&M and we were switch, but when it came to normal love making, she was never affectionate, immediately leaving the bed after sex, not wanting any small talk at all.
I still believe honesty is the best, but Boy,,, will I ever find her? I wonder, has anyone looked at my profile, or do I need to get a pic posted, in order to get a Look C..?
I did like the insight or written words about, if finding a vanilla mate is tough, then finding one that is also into kink, is going to be twice as hard. I think that's a good point to remember.

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Femdoms can't find a decent male partner - 9/28/2005 12:02:16 PM

Posts: 110
Joined: 9/15/2005
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Lady Hibiscus,
I see your point, but please see mine. I was flamed by this pretender on other threads, so much so that I deleted my portion of one so it would stop. I made it perfectly clear that I along with several others who have taken the time to write me think that she is a troll trying to stir up animosity on the message boards. yet she keeps answering everything I say, and if you'll take the time to read her drivel, it's always negative.
PS. by several, I mean four. She has a certain click of friends, and they think nothing of tagteaming anyone they don't like. This happens on most alternative websites, and I've even seen cases where vengeful dommes have chased subs to diffetent sites in an effort to smear them.

< Message edited by prettyfellowme -- 9/28/2005 12:07:06 PM >

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

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