RE: "BDSM Attraction" vs. "Vanilla Attraction"

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RE: "BDSM Attraction" vs. "Vanilla Attra... - 1/8/2008 8:30:00 PM

sweetstorm

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quote:

ORIGINAL: TallDarkAndWitty

For me, personally, I find that my bar for physical appeal is somewhat lowered when I am pursuing a slave. I think attitude can more than make up for perceived imperfections. Yet, in my nilla relationships, I was not so tolerant. I certainly look for different things in my 'nilla partners. I want more of an equal, in the finances, the day-to-day responsibilities...and I look for those qualities. Yet, with my slaves, I want someone who is rather dependent on me.

I fall parellel to that (in all except the 'dependent on me' part - reverse that).

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RE: "BDSM Attraction" vs. "Vanilla Attra... - 1/8/2008 8:36:35 PM

FitGirl

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For me, there is no difference. I've always been attracted to strong, mature, dominant men...long before I ever heard the term BDSM.

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RE: "BDSM Attraction" vs. "Vanilla Attra... - 1/8/2008 9:41:30 PM

TallDarkAndWitty

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus
Ummmm........... so, Taggart, your 'nilla babes have to be better looking?

I imagine I will sire me some super models before it's all over...*wink*

Taggard

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RE: "BDSM Attraction" vs. "Vanilla Attra... - 1/8/2008 10:25:36 PM

Aimtoplease101

Posts: 319
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quote:

ORIGINAL: tinoketsheli

It seems for me that only Dominant males can handle me ;-) and apparently it takes a real man for that job!

I hope I'm misinterpreting this, and you're not trying to imply that the only "real men" out there are self-identified doms ...

< Message edited by Aimtoplease101 -- 1/8/2008 10:36:38 PM >

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RE: "BDSM Attraction" vs. "Vanilla Attra... - 1/8/2008 10:28:55 PM

DiurnalVampire

Posts: 8125
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From: Nashville, TN
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quote:

ORIGINAL: TallDarkAndWitty

Is there are difference? Have you ever been in a BDSM relationship with someone whom you would have never even considered for a 'nilla relationship? Do you look for different things in a 'nilla partner than you do in a BDSM one?

Can someone make themselves more "BDSM attractive" in ways that do not automatically make them more "Vanilla attractive"?

In a word... no.
I dont see things as BDSM attractive or vanilla attractive. I see things as relationship and interaction atractive. Someone is either someone I want to be with, or they arent. How the relationship develops afterwards depends on a lot of things.

DV

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RE: "BDSM Attraction" vs. "Vanilla Attra... - 1/8/2008 10:35:48 PM

Aimtoplease101

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I think there are two different components to this equation.

First, what type of relationship are you looking for? What may be attractive for a casual encounter (vanilla or D/s) may not hold as much long term interest.

On a vanilla level, the Victoria's secret lingerie model may have a lot of pure lust attractiveness for you, but she might not be someone you'd want to travel with, spend time talking with, go camping with, etc.

Likewise, on a D/s level, someone who engages in a particular type of kinky play that you hanker for may be attractive for a casual encounter, but if you don't have more in common with her than that, and if you have incompatible views of lifestyle balance, she wouldn't be attractive for a longer term relationship.

Second, I think we need to realize that the total "attractiveness quotient" is sort of a sliding scale based on the characteristics of the person in question to whom you are attractive. What I mean by that is that you might have a list of 10 ideal qualities for the perfect companion. Finding all 10 of those characteristics in perfect quantities in a single person, however, might be nearly impossible. Therefore, we are often willing to "compromise" on one or more ideal qualities if someone is particularly strong with other traits to which you are attractive. A good sense of humor and playful demeanor may more than compensate for a less attractive feature (tinny voice, frizzy hair, crooked teeth, etc.). Similarly, if you're attracted towards dominant women, you might be really interested in a Domme even though she might not match your ideal physical type.

So, to sum it up, I think you need to consider both the nature of the relationship being sought and the total balance of the entire spectrum of characteristics in play.

Regards, ATP

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RE: "BDSM Attraction" vs. "Vanilla Attra... - 1/9/2008 1:35:50 AM

lusciouslips19

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quote:

For me, personally, I find that my bar for physical appeal is somewhat lowered when I am pursuing a slave. I think attitude can more than make up for perceived imperfections. Yet, in my nilla relationships, I was not so tolerant. I certainly look for different things in my 'nilla partners. I want more of an equal, in the finances, the day-to-day responsibilities...and I look for those qualities. Yet, with my slaves, I want someone who is rather dependent on me.

The flaw I find in the "duality" for me is this. If one is seperating out D's from their nilla partnering, likely the partner has a vanilla sexuality and vanilla notions of right and wrong. Which means you are conducting outside relations with others on the "down low." Thats something that I am not comfortable with. the "cheating".

i still want all the things a vanilla woman wants. Just with a twist. i still want my man to be faithful. To me monogomy means never fooling around with others unless my partner is in the room with me participating.

if one is looking for a relationship that includes honesty, its doubtful that a vanilla partner is going to be gung ho about sharing in any sense of the term.

< Message edited by lusciouslips19 -- 1/9/2008 1:42:15 AM >

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RE: "BDSM Attraction" vs. "Vanilla Attra... - 1/9/2008 2:04:10 AM

Owner4SexSlave

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I know my response to this thread is going to be rather off the wall, and I have not even read what anybody has posted yet.

This is how attraction works with me. Everything is a bit broken down..

1. Sexual attraction - if find myself with a strong desire to simply fuck the hell out of 'em regardless if BDSM is involved or not.    Hell, I have encountered vanilla girls that I was sexually attracted to.

2. Physical attraction - this not sexual in nature. It's when I become lost at the beauty of another. Just plain enjoy looking at 'em. You know when you find yourself not being able to keep your eyes off somebody. It's not sexual in nature per se.

3. Sadistic attraction - this took me a bit to figure out when I was younger. But I found myself wanting to do sadistic things more so to somebody else compared to others.   Yes, where I found myself thinking about how I'd love to Flog them, spank thier pussy or ass. A deep desire to attach clothes pins to their body, to want to hear their wimpers and cries. Hell, to wonder what the sight of tears would be like running down their cheek and messing up their make up.

4. Ownership attraction - again this took me a bit to figure out. Where I get the warm of fuzzy of thinking about them kneeing before me, calling me Sir or Master. Attracted to the point of wanting to own them. A whole state of wanting them in this manner.

5. Mental attraction - Holy smokes, I'm having a great time with somebody and I just find myself wanting to talk and interact with this person non-stop.

OK, since the OP is exploring a specific idea.   There are those that I have been attracted to strong enough to want a M/s relationship, or a D/s with partial power exchange, and even did the Dom Couple thing once. I've also have had more vanilla like relationships with D/s and kink has always been a part of any relationship I've had. I really can't say I've had a pure vanilla relationship, even with so called vanillas.   They just were not as attuned to BDSM as a whole lifestyle.

Without kink involved, I loose interest. Hell, half the jokes I make involve kink of some form or another.

I really don't see training or technique making somebody more or less attractive to me.   I've actually went on a date with an extremely well trained slave once, I actually thought she was a vanilla at first, but it became painfully clear she was not. Anyways, the things (protocals) she was following actually turned me off and drove me nuts.   I really don't like a sub/slave running around breaking their neck opening doors, walking 4-5 paces behind me and opening car doors for me.  I don't like drinking my beer out of frosty mugs either.   Case in point, where somebody else's likes and training was a turn off for me.

Well, this is my two cents on this subject.

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RE: "BDSM Attraction" vs. "Vanilla Attra... - 1/9/2008 2:16:14 AM

rubberpet

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quote:

ORIGINAL: TallDarkAndWitty

Is there are difference? Have you ever been in a BDSM relationship with someone whom you would have never even considered for a 'nilla relationship? Do you look for different things in a 'nilla partner than you do in a BDSM one?

Can someone make themselves more "BDSM attractive" in ways that do not automatically make them more "Vanilla attractive"?

Discuss.

I will put my thoughts in a subsequent post.

Taggard

Not really. If I enter a BDSM relationship with someone, I would certainly enter a vanilla relationship with that person, too. To me, the choice is interchangable...that person has to fit into both sides of the spectrum. For me, that person needs to have the same core characterisics on both sides...intelligence, stability, playfulness, free-spirited, lovingness, monogamous, and strength, just to name a few.

Personally, I look for the same type of woman for both relationships. I love plus-sized women, so that's the only real "requirement" for me. They can be short and curvy, tall and amazon-like, or in the middle and plump, but I just prefer plus-sizes. Mistress is my dream girl because She not only is plus-sized and has all the above characteristics, but She is also gothic. That is such a huge turn-on for me. She is the type that will get totally gothed out, slide into Her shiny latex catsuit and 5" heel boots with me locked in my full latex catsuit, hooded and gagged, and being dragged my collar and leash just to go grocery shopping. That's the kind of girl for me!

On the other side of the coin, I think I'm much more attractive in the BDSM world than in the vanilla world. I get hit on daily on collarme and when I'd go to fetish parties (I think the full latex catsuit has something to do with it), but I can count the number of times I got hit on in the vanilla world on one hand and still have fingers left over. I find it strange, but oh well. I have my gothic goddess and I couldn't be happier!

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RE: "BDSM Attraction" vs. "Vanilla Attra... - 1/9/2008 2:22:17 AM

eyesopened

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quote:

ORIGINAL: TallDarkAndWitty

You may choose not to make distinctions between BDSM and vanilla, but there are those who do...and it is from them that I am looking for input.

What I am trying to explore is the idea that someone can be attractive to someone who enjoys power exchange, but unattractive outside the that area. Can a person's technique or training or something else make them attractive to people who enjoy power exchange in a way s/he is not attractive to those who do not?

i am not in the least little tiny bit sexually attracted to females. i am a bondage slut. When i have been to rope-bondage demonstrations that have been presented by women, i have caught myself thinking "Oh i'd do Her!" Is that what you mean?

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RE: "BDSM Attraction" vs. "Vanilla Attra... - 1/9/2008 5:04:27 AM

sambamanslilgirl

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quote:

ORIGINAL: TallDarkAndWitty

Is there are difference?

i don't think so. whether it's vanilla or kink, all relationships have to start from the foundation up or it will fall apart if it's missing any or all important ingredients of making it last.

quote:

Have you ever been in a BDSM relationship with someone whom you would have never even considered for a 'nilla relationship?

yes my former dominants - if i was married to them, i would be divorced twice over since they enjoyed cheating and saw no problems doing it either.

quote:

Do you look for different things in a 'nilla partner than you do in a BDSM one?

no i looked for the same things in a BDSM partner like i would for a vanilla partner but with more focus on his interests/life outside the BDSM side to him.

quote:

Can someone make themselves more "BDSM attractive" in ways that do not automatically make them more "Vanilla attractive"?

if i was interested in a relationship with solely BDSM, then yes. however there's more to life than the kink and would rather be with someone who preferred co-mingling both in their lives. it makes them more attractive and rather interesting than a boring person who just lives the kink day in and out.

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RE: "BDSM Attraction" vs. "Vanilla Attra... - 1/9/2008 5:15:17 AM

Padriag

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quote:

ORIGINAL: TallDarkAndWitty

Is there are difference? Have you ever been in a BDSM relationship with someone whom you would have never even considered for a 'nilla relationship? Do you look for different things in a 'nilla partner than you do in a BDSM one?

No, not really... the kink adds an additional dimension to things... but there are some basic requirements that are always there regardless.

quote:

Can someone make themselves more "BDSM attractive" in ways that do not automatically make them more "Vanilla attractive"?

Yes. Someone more in tune with my kinkier interests would naturally be more appealing in that aspect. But as I said above, there are some fundamentals which aren't specifically kink related that must be there or its no deal. Kink just isn't enough for me to make a relationship out of... its a nice bit of iciing... but it doesn't make the cake.

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RE: "BDSM Attraction" vs. "Vanilla Attra... - 1/9/2008 5:19:43 AM

Padriag

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quote:

ORIGINAL: TallDarkAndWitty

In another thread, someone made a comment along the lines of "how easily you can find a BDSM partner is in direct relation to how easily you get non BDSM sex". Is this true?

I think it's true for some. In my case the opposite is true, because kink adds an additional component to things I actually expect more, which coorespondingly makes things more difficult. Put another way...

From a potential "vanilla" date I might look for A, B, & C... from a potential kinky date I'd be looking for A, B, C & D. Narrows down the choices a bit.

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RE: "BDSM Attraction" vs. "Vanilla Attra... - 1/9/2008 5:29:42 AM

Padriag

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quote:

ORIGINAL: TallDarkAndWitty

Alright, so here are my thoughts on the topic:

It seems to me that there are really two types of people in the lifestyle. There are those for whom BDSM is just part of the relationship, and they want the things that attract them in both a BDSM and 'nilla way to exist inside the person. These are, for lack of a better phrase, the people searching for the one.

Somewhat agree... but in my case its more like the two... or maybe the three... possibly the four... It's not that I'm looking for one perfect, special person... would be nice, but in the meantime... well... let's just be honest, I've got very high standards.

quote:

Then there are those (and I number myself amongst them) for whom 'nilla attraction and BDSM attraction do not mix (or at least not well). The things that make them attractive in a BDSM sense can make them unattractive in a more traditional sense.

For me, personally, I find that my bar for physical appeal is somewhat lowered when I am pursuing a slave. I think attitude can more than make up for perceived imperfections. Yet, in my nilla relationships, I was not so tolerant. I certainly look for different things in my 'nilla partners. I want more of an equal, in the finances, the day-to-day responsibilities...and I look for those qualities. Yet, with my slaves, I want someone who is rather dependent on me.

Possibly, but I don't know that its quite that simple. Taking myself as an example, my bar for physical attraction remains the same regardless. Same for most of my other requirements... actually all of them that come to mind. But here's another interesting bit to consider. You see a difference between what you look for in vanilla and kink relationships, and apparently you want both. Me, I don't see a difference because I'm not looking for both. Maybe that's the real difference between these two groups... whether they want both, or just one style of relationship.

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RE: "BDSM Attraction" vs. "Vanilla Attra... - 1/9/2008 5:38:11 AM

sexyred1

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quote:

ORIGINAL: TallDarkAndWitty

Is there are difference?

Yes. It also depends on the nature of the attraction; is it just physical, is it a friend thing, where did it start, many different questions.

Have you ever been in a BDSM relationship with someone whom you would have never even considered for a 'nilla relationship?

Yes. A few times. Including my most recent long term one. But we refused to admit until too late that it was only compatible BDSM wise, which is a problem.

Do you look for different things in a 'nilla partner than you do in a BDSM one?

Not really, but you cannot always find what you are seeking in one person. That is why the search continues for one person instead of trying to compartmentalize finding what I need with more than one.

Can someone make themselves more "BDSM attractive" in ways that do not automatically make them more "Vanilla attractive"?

Absolutely. Some traits that work in BDSM do not translate at all in vanilla for a good partnership.