RE: "BDSM Attraction" vs. "Vanilla Attraction"

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RE: "BDSM Attraction" vs. "Vanilla Attra... - 1/8/2008 12:41:56 PM

Coerced2Please

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quote:

You may choose not to make distinctions between BDSM and vanilla, but there are those who do...and it is from them that I am looking for input.

This is obviously true, there are so many taboos around bdsm that constrain to keep people in their corners. Internet is a little liberty.

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RE: "BDSM Attraction" vs. "Vanilla Attra... - 1/8/2008 1:31:13 PM

ItalianSMistress

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quote:

ORIGINAL: TallDarkAndWitty

What I am trying to explore is the idea that someone can be attractive to someone who enjoys power exchange, but unattractive outside the that area. Can a person's technique or training or something else make them attractive to people who enjoy power exchange in a way s/he is not attractive to those who do not?

In a nutshell, yes. I date vanilla woman also, and I look for much much different things in them. First off, I will deal with male slaves, but I would have no use for a vanilla male. Secondly, when I choose a vanilla partner, I have certain physical and personailty traits that I look for, when I am considering a slave, 95% of what I am looking for is mental. Of course there has to be some attraction, but with a slave, I am way more interested in what is in their head,,,,one can always makes some changes to the physical if needed later......

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RE: "BDSM Attraction" vs. "Vanilla Attra... - 1/8/2008 1:38:14 PM

DesFIP

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Nope. Basic qualities of kindness, maturity, responsibility etc trumps ability to swing a flogger or claims he is Da Dom.

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RE: "BDSM Attraction" vs. "Vanilla Attra... - 1/8/2008 3:04:47 PM

sublibrarian

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In vanilla relationships I seem to end up with really sweet, passive, submissive type of guys. But as a sub myself, in a bdsm relationship I want someone who's strong and can dominate me. I think I sorta want that in my vanilla relationships as well, as I often get frustrated sexually with the passive vanilla guys. I'm not sure if I would have hooked up with my Dom for a vanilla relationship, but then it was never a consideration. His being a Dom, confident and having a head full of delightfully dirty, kinky ideas is a big part of what attracted me to him, although many of his traits are ones I look for in vanilla men as well (intelligence, sense of humor, nice guy, educated).

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RE: "BDSM Attraction" vs. "Vanilla Attra... - 1/8/2008 3:32:38 PM

LadyHibiscus

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What TammyJo said, in large part. And Aileen!

I am not sure if I can ever have a truly vanilla relationship... I find myself physically attracted to vanilla men, but it only takes a few conversations to know that the je ne sais quoi is missing.

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RE: "BDSM Attraction" vs. "Vanilla Attra... - 1/8/2008 3:37:18 PM

tigerstyle

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"In another thread, someone made a comment along the lines of "how easily you can find a BDSM partner is in direct relation to how easily you get non BDSM sex". Is this true?"

I'd say it was true.

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RE: "BDSM Attraction" vs. "Vanilla Attra... - 1/8/2008 5:12:44 PM

SirJohnMandevill

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quote:

ORIGINAL: TallDarkAndWitty

Is there are difference? Have you ever been in a BDSM relationship with someone whom you would have never even considered for a 'nilla relationship? Do you look for different things in a 'nilla partner than you do in a BDSM one?

Can someone make themselves more "BDSM attractive" in ways that do not automatically make them more "Vanilla attractive"?

Discuss.

I will put my thoughts in a subsequent post.

Taggard

I'll speak only about the personality aspect, and only my experience.

I like a strong, intelligent submissive; when I earn her submission, it's all that much sweeter and more satisfying.

In vanilla relationships, I leaned more toward women with a weaker, quieter personality.

Go figure. I gave up trying to long ago!

Les (Purveyor of Fine, Handcrafted Kink)

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RE: "BDSM Attraction" vs. "Vanilla Attra... - 1/8/2008 5:45:47 PM

catize

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quote:

In another thread, someone made a comment along the lines of "how easily you can find a BDSM partner is in direct relation to how easily you get non BDSM sex". Is this true?

Ah, but the level of satisfaction is what differentiates it (at least for me).
Looking back at the vanilla years of my life I realize that my best sexual experiences were with men who had very strong personalities. Brings to mind a man I have very fond memories about; a gentle soul he would never dream of hitting anyone. And yet, I remember one night I was prattling on about something and he said, “It is time to hush now.” I actually responded with “Yes,sir!” and meant it.
As for your original question, this is what is true about myself. In my vanilla dating years I always felt inadequate physically and worried because I wasn’t pretty/thin/busty enough. In my D/s relationships I don’t worry as much about the physical because I know the dominants in my life find my submission beautiful and I content myself with that.

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RE: "BDSM Attraction" vs. "Vanilla Attra... - 1/8/2008 6:01:25 PM

MadRabbit

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quote:

ORIGINAL: TallDarkAndWitty

Can someone make themselves more "BDSM attractive" in ways that do not automatically make them more "Vanilla attractive"?

Speaking purely on a personal level where I am making a distinction between my relationships prior to discovering M/S and my relationships after discovering M/S...

Outside of the basic criteria that is relevant to both relationships (someone I enjoy being around and is compatible on a personality level), my prior relationships had the main criteria of attraction being purely physical. Now the psyche of someone trumps physical attraction.

My enjoyment in a relationship and enjoyment sexually exists now primarily in the mental exchange between my partner and I. Since "normal" sexual behavior isn't the common denominator, the importance of physical attraction has diminished.

< Message edited by MadRabbit -- 1/8/2008 6:11:43 PM >

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RE: "BDSM Attraction" vs. "Vanilla Attra... - 1/8/2008 6:21:17 PM

MidMichCowboy

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Can they be different ... yes. Are they satisfying by themselves ... No. I want it all together.

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RE: "BDSM Attraction" vs. "Vanilla Attra... - 1/8/2008 6:48:58 PM

verysweet

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Don't you think it depends upon what you're looking for?

I think it's conceivable someone can be wildly attracted to "Doms_his_name" because of a kinky mind-meld knowing full well his other, more 'vanilla', attributes would not suit them for the long-haul.

quote:

Have you ever been in a BDSM relationship with someone whom you would have never even considered for a 'nilla relationship?

A resounding 'no'. A prefer a subtle blend of all the flavors.

Edited because I was snarky.

< Message edited by verysweet -- 1/8/2008 7:36:36 PM >

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RE: "BDSM Attraction" vs. "Vanilla Attra... - 1/8/2008 6:49:57 PM

christine1

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quote:

ORIGINAL: TallDarkAndWitty

Is there are difference? Have you ever been in a BDSM relationship with someone whom you would have never even considered for a 'nilla relationship? Do you look for different things in a 'nilla partner than you do in a BDSM one?

Can someone make themselves more "BDSM attractive" in ways that do not automatically make them more "Vanilla attractive"?

Discuss.

I will put my thoughts in a subsequent post.

Taggard

i look forward to this post....

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RE: "BDSM Attraction" vs. "Vanilla Attra... - 1/8/2008 6:52:35 PM

christine1

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ok....don't seem to know how to figure out how to put my comment separate from the quotes, but i'll figure it out i'm sure...i'm blonde so i'm sure it will be soon! hehehehe

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RE: "BDSM Attraction" vs. "Vanilla Attra... - 1/8/2008 6:57:37 PM

lusciouslips19

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I cant seperate the two. i need a partner that can operate in both worlds. I have to enjoy his company outside of the dungeon walls and bedroom. My sexuality is a very important part of any relationship. The BDSM part is too important for me to seperate. I know there are some who have a vanilla relationship and a D's on the side. I couldnt seperate the two like that. I guess I want it all.

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RE: "BDSM Attraction" vs. "Vanilla Attra... - 1/8/2008 7:12:00 PM

Leatherist

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RE: "BDSM Attraction" vs. "Vanilla Attra... - 1/8/2008 7:16:23 PM

dimples323

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I have to agree with lusciouslips19 i must say i feel the same way and want it all :)

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RE: "BDSM Attraction" vs. "Vanilla Attra... - 1/8/2008 7:18:48 PM

RumpusParable

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quote:

ORIGINAL: TallDarkAndWitty

Is there are difference? Have you ever been in a BDSM relationship with someone whom you would have never even considered for a 'nilla relationship? Do you look for different things in a 'nilla partner than you do in a BDSM one?

For me there is a difference. A person may be attractive in both ways to me, but most people are attractive in one way or the other. I'm not normally sexually attracted to submissive men, but I am attracted to them in a dominant-submissive way...

Both types of attraction, for me, are an organic gut-response sort of thing but one is about wanting sex from the person and the other is wanting to control them. Two different things.

So yes, I've definitely been in PE relationships with people I'd never have been in a vanilla relationship with.

I've also been in vanilla relationships with people I'd never have been in a power exchange relationship with.

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RE: "BDSM Attraction" vs. "Vanilla Attra... - 1/8/2008 7:30:22 PM

TallDarkAndWitty

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Alright, so here are my thoughts on the topic:

It seems to me that there are really two types of people in the lifestyle. There are those for whom BDSM is just part of the relationship, and they want the things that attract them in both a BDSM and 'nilla way to exist inside the person. These are, for lack of a better phrase, the people searching for the one.

Then there are those (and I number myself amongst them) for whom 'nilla attraction and BDSM attraction do not mix (or at least not well). The things that make them attractive in a BDSM sense can make them unattractive in a more traditional sense.

For me, personally, I find that my bar for physical appeal is somewhat lowered when I am pursuing a slave. I think attitude can more than make up for perceived imperfections. Yet, in my nilla relationships, I was not so tolerant. I certainly look for different things in my 'nilla partners. I want more of an equal, in the finances, the day-to-day responsibilities...and I look for those qualities. Yet, with my slaves, I want someone who is rather dependent on me.

The responses on this thread have pretty much backed up my initial thoughts! I thank you all for contributing...

Taggard

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RE: "BDSM Attraction" vs. "Vanilla Attra... - 1/8/2008 7:40:59 PM

domiguy

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I s'pose she could be everything that you would wish for in a sub...But then you have to ask yourself does she meet "the light of day test?"

It kind of blows getting everything that you want from a sub or a 'nilla but something within her is so lacking that you cannot be seen with her in public.... It would seem that it will always turn into a temporary fix or maybe in order to sate that bdsm jones that you are willing to make some fairly serious compromises.

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RE: "BDSM Attraction" vs. "Vanilla Attra... - 1/8/2008 8:17:26 PM

LadyHibiscus

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Ummmm........... so, Taggart, your 'nilla babes have to be better looking?

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