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What is so hard about finding your first Mistress? - 1/16/2008 11:22:15 PM

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Joined: 12/13/2007
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On one hand I completely understand that, for the dominant, it's a lot of work to take on a submissive with little experience and may not pay off (they may decide submisison is not for them, have unrealistic expectations, etc.), but everyone has to start somewhere! I would imagine there are many perks to taking on a brand new sub -- they'd be blank slate that you can mold as you see fit, you can be the first dominant to leave your mark on him/her.

With this in mind, why is it so difficult for a genuine, open-minded and dedicated submissive who is brand new to the scene to find his first mistress? I'm wondering if there are any mistresses out there who have had some experience breaking in newbies and wouldn't mind sharing.

Also, are there any dominant females int he Bay Area who might want a fresh, wide-eyed young submissive down at their feet?

RE: What is so hard about finding your first Mistress? - 1/16/2008 11:35:15 PM

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From: NYC now!
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Simply put, it's because we aren't just empty female bodies there to fill a role for them. Every quality relationship is hard to find -unless one just plain gets lucky right off the bat. Dominas are numerous; the domina that likes what you like, finds you attractive (D/s, sexually, or both), isn't involved with someone(s) else exclusively at the time, isn't overworked to where she's holding off on her private life some, etc into all the everyday vanilla complications of making friends and/or lovers plus kink and PE alignments is hard.

Each domme in search of a good sub is going through just the same trials and tribulations as you are. Lots of subs out there but finding the right one at the right time is the hard part.

Personally, I'm not at all opposed to someone new to BDSM but that doesn't make me a match for you any more... still the hundreds of variables.

_____________________________

Relationships come and go, but plastination is forever.

I generally use fast-reply. If directing my post at someone specific I will indicate so.

Minimal summary: Artist, Disabled Veteran, Vegan, Pornographer, and Agender dominant female.

(in reply to yem1127)

RE: What is so hard about finding your first Mistress? - 1/16/2008 11:59:58 PM

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Joined: 10/7/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: yem1127
On one hand I completely understand that, for the dominant, it's a lot of work to take on a submissive with little experience and may not pay off (they may decide submisison is not for them, have unrealistic expectations, etc.), but everyone has to start somewhere! I would imagine there are many perks to taking on a brand new sub -- they'd be blank slate that you can mold as you see fit, you can be the first dominant to leave your mark on him/her.

With this in mind, why is it so difficult for a genuine, open-minded and dedicated submissive who is brand new to the scene to find his first mistress? I'm wondering if there are any mistresses out there who have had some experience breaking in newbies and wouldn't mind sharing.

This topic has been covered, OH SO MANY times before, but I'm not going to be snarky and I'll answer.

Well, you hit on some of it. It is a lot of work to take on a newbie submissive, especially young ones. They may decide it's not for them, they have unrealistic expectations. I do take newbies and the latter 2 things you mentioned have happend to me. I've also run up against the "fantasy does not match reality" for them and they flake when confronted with the fact that their fantasies are now going to become real phenomenon. How do I know you won't be one of the people mentioned above if you don't know how you will react? I take a lot more time talking to newbies than to more experienced subs, to find out what they know and/or have educated themselves on (if anything). There has to be a lot of discussion about what they think being a submissive is and what the prospective dominant expects.

D/s relationships grow and get more intense with time and trust. I can do much more with a sub I've had for a year than I can with a newbie. Sometimes new subs will come for 2 or 3 sessions just to get some experience under their belts and then leave to go with a dominant that has different interests, so they can "sample" a broader range of activities and dominant styles. Some are impatient if they don't get a lot of play time right off the bat. If I'm going to do all the work of building trust and training a sub from scratch, I want them to stay with me and visit on a regular basis. Having them come for only 2 sessions doesn't come close to the time or effort I'd have put into it. And before you pull the card out, I'm not a pro and I do enjoy wiiwd.

You're probably going to hear this a lot, but be honest and up front if you just want to "test the waters"and you dont want to enter into a relationship. If conversations go well, sometimes I may just take a sub to give them some experience and then turn them loose. But, I'd have to like you to do that....that means that you made an effort to get to know me and not just view me as a way of getting experiece for yourself. Get out into your community. Read books. Check out the forums. Think of what you can offer the dominant to entice them to put the effort into training a newbie. Good luck to you.

_____________________________

Everyone deserves a break from the person everyone else expects them to be.
In the great experiment known as evolution, evidently there are some people who's ancestors were in the control group.

(in reply to yem1127)

RE: What is so hard about finding your first Mistress? - 1/17/2008 12:02:07 AM

MistressMitsukai

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Most Mistresses don't feel like taking the time to train you. Depending on the sub, it can be a lot of work to mold him into what you want him to be. My suggestion is to do your research on the Women that you contact, find out what they're interested in. If you feel that you're compatible, sell yourself. Give her a reason to think that you would be worth the time it would inevitably take.

_____________________________

-Mistress Mitsukai-

(in reply to yem1127)

RE: What is so hard about finding your first Mistress? - 1/17/2008 12:21:45 AM

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Joined: 10/7/2007
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I admit, I just looked at your profile. Just wanted to add some VERY recent experience I've had with men your age. Two 22 year olds. Both contact me about the same time. Both had a little experience. I exchaged pics with both. Talked to both for hours about what their interests were, what they wanted to experience, what they had experience in, what I was interested in, and what I expected of them. Both said they were eager to meet. I told both I could meet with them this week.

#1 I was supposed to meet on Monday. On Sunday night, late he IMs me and tells me he had a boring weekend and was sick all week. I asked what other day this week would work. Then he says he spent the weekend really getting to know a new girlfriend and that she wouldn't appreciate him getting "kinky BDSM sex". Sex wasn't even part of our original discussions! He stopped IMing with me and now his profile is inactive.

#2 Supposed to tentatively meet him on Tues, he was supposed to IM me on Mon night to confirm. Didn't hear from him. IM'd him on Tues asking what was up. Day changed to Friday. Got an IM today saying that he was going to have to schedule another time, this week isn't good, and he doesn't know when it will be. He's disappeared too.

I know life happens, it happens to me all the time too. I set aside time for these guys this week, telling my regular subs I was going to be busy on those nights. This has happend to me a number of times before. I've mostly had this happen to me with guys under 30. Every guy I talk to under 30 tells me he will be the exception. If it happens enough, we Dommes sometimes get jaded toward a certain age group. Can you understand why?

_____________________________

Everyone deserves a break from the person everyone else expects them to be.
In the great experiment known as evolution, evidently there are some people who's ancestors were in the control group.

(in reply to yem1127)

RE: What is so hard about finding your first Mistress? - 1/17/2008 12:33:22 AM

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I can absolutely understand why you would be skeptic/jaded of someone so young and inexperienced. I am sorry that you wasted your time on two absentee submissives, no mistress deserves that disrespect -- especially one who so graciously gave her time to new submissives.

I will say however that I am trying very hard to distinguish myself from the two submissives you mentioned. I always make sure to research a domme before making contact, and I will not contact someone who has incompatible interests than myself - I'd hate to waste their time. The few dominants that were gracious enough to engage in conversation with me were very kind and we enjoyed fairly long diiscussions. However, in the end these discussions fizzled out due to my inexperience, and the heightened amount of effort it would take to train me. I would NEVER disrespect a domme who was kind enough to schedule a meeting with me by not cancelling at the last minute or not showing up. I know the answer is persistence, but it's just frustrating waiting to get my first break in the scene.

(in reply to PhoenixRed)

RE: What is so hard about finding your first Mistress? - 1/17/2008 12:46:11 AM

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My experience, no one elses, just mine.

The majority of males who contact me either haven't bothered reading my profile, ignore whatever is on my profile, declare their intention of serving me to the best of their ability (this is in the initial email, like they know me from a short profile) or tell me, graphically, what they are looking for sexually. That last one is the worst.

My profile is pretty clear. It isn't hard to read or comprehend. I am not interested in hearing a potential subs sexual fantasies, most especially not in a first email. Those who do not presume and send me a novel on what they want up their arse in the first few emails, usually do it eventually. Again, please see profile.

Sadly, the majority of subs in their 20's are specifically searching for kinky sex. No matter how often they deny it, they ARE.

And that is why it's hard to find a Mistress. Because, as PheonixRed said, we get very jaded with the same old bullshit.

_____________________________

if at first you dont succeed..then skydiving isnt for you

Resident Whip Cracker AND Resident Orbs Of Joy.

(in reply to PhoenixRed)

RE: What is so hard about finding your first Mistress? - 1/17/2008 1:44:10 AM

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Joined: 10/7/2007
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Thanks. I didn't appreciate the waste of time. I do know that younger, newbie subs can, and have worked out with others. Thus I try to keep an open mind and not paint everyone with the same brush. You seem to be a polite and articulate young man. Perserverence and patience are what we all must practice, on both sides of the D/s spectrum.

I wanted to bring another factor to your attention, one you may or may not have considered. Many Dommes that have experience in training newbies are a bit older than you (note I said MANY not ALL). You may have to consider that some of these folks may have ums that are your age or older. It's a comfort factor - some people may not be comfortable dealing with men that are the same age or younger than their own youngsters. Though I may take subs to work with alone that are younger than 30, we won't take partners in that age range because that's too close to the age of my mate's ums and it makes him uncomfortable. So, some of it may not have anything to do with your inexperience. Realize that upon first contact, though, that some Dommes may not want to tell you they have ums your age and that's why they're not interested, because you don't need to know that kind of personal information about them. Again, good luck in your search.

_____________________________

Everyone deserves a break from the person everyone else expects them to be.
In the great experiment known as evolution, evidently there are some people who's ancestors were in the control group.

(in reply to yem1127)

RE: What is so hard about finding your first Mistress? - 1/17/2008 4:35:56 AM

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From: Central Florida
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Everything they said, and then some.

Wankers = probably jerking off while in chat and never show up.
Too young (under 30) = can't even live life on a vanilla basis yet, have no business even diving into BDSM arena. And,
    for me, too much of an age difference to consider for LTR for reasons someone else stated.
Switches = these are the hardest, can be VERY submissive but really desire to dominate a woman later on and will lull you    in under false pretenses to gain the experience.
Ugly (yes, I care) = Call me shallow, but visual stimulation is important to me. Not looking for prince charming. Just clean,    kept, and in shape enough to see they care about themselves.
Fat (yes, I care) = (See ugly)
Detectable psychological instability= Needs no explanation.
Health issues = Needs no explanation.
Chemistry = VERY hard to find the right chemistry. One can fit the bill in every way but the chemistry just isn't there.
Location = Very far away. Willing to relocate yet have no means for the frequent travel required to get to know you and       even if they do are resentful if it doesn't work out after spending the money for travel.

The list of "why nots" can go on and on. I have been through the gambit of them. Several times. And, after years of weeding them out, it is pretty easy to detect things, even in chat. And, yes, it makes one very jaded. It doesn't get to me like it used to and usually I just get a *chuckle* out of it now. Not worth my energy to be upset. However, like Pheonix, I try to stay openminded and at least do a little chat to see what I can see. Most don't make it to a 2nd chat for some reason or another that has been mentioned in the thread. And RARELY one makes it to an actual meeting appointment. They are far and few between. But, we keep trudging on, knowing that our match is out there somewhere.

Happy Hunting to ALL!!!

_____________________________

In the ties that bind,
Mistress Venus
http://www.mistressvenus.com

"I'm not IN the lifestyle. The lifestyle is in Me!"

(in reply to yem1127)

RE: What is so hard about finding your first Mistress? - 1/17/2008 4:43:02 AM

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Joined: 12/18/2006
From: Romania
Status: offline

how about getting a visa?

_____________________________

God help me be at Her feet sooner

(in reply to yem1127)

RE: What is so hard about finding your first Mistress? - 1/17/2008 6:05:10 AM

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Joined: 9/8/2005
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Most of the 30+ people I have trained were very new but they had one thing that many of those who complain about this on Collarme do not.

They were involved in their local communities though generally only for a few months to a year or so when we began training.

I could see from their interactions with others that BDSM was a solid interest for them, not just some sexual thrill. I could see they were willing to be out to some degree because they came to munches at local restaurants and showed up to workshops. I could hear their questions and answers and see them interact with others in a respectful manner that was not subservient.

In short, the proven themselves to be good people whose seriousness made them interesting enough for me to invest time in.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to yem1127)

RE: What is so hard about finding your first Mistress? - 1/17/2008 6:14:27 AM

MsSonnetMarwood

Posts: 1898
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From: Eastern Shore, Maryland
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I actually don't beleive a novice sub is any more a blank slate than a more experienced subs - newbies often come with their own set of (often unrealistic) expectations.   I think it's a fallacy and a disservice to novices to perpetuate that concept, because it implies that they're somehow more versitile and will like anything, which is completely untrue of anyone.

My experience with novices that approach me online is that 99.9% will not lead to any kind of r/t face to face meeting.    The flake rate is extremely high when they realize that <gasp> they're talking to someone who isn't going to indulge them in any kind of online fantasy and is going to require that they pony up and follow through r/t and not let them stay in the comfort zone of their computer if conversation continues.   Meeting for coffee fairly quickly is just so intimidating, apparently.

So honestly - it's almost not worth my time to talk to novices who have only contact with BDSM and those that engage in BDSM activities has been through a computer. Through conversations with other Dommes that I know r/t - this is actually a very typical experience.   Novices, with very VERY few exceptions, just do not follow through.

Now. You can actually change that "total clueless novice" status without having to find a Domme from online to meet you.    Find your local scene, go to some munches and educational functions, expose yourself without hiding behind yoiur computer to others who are actively involved in BDSM.   It's not necessarily difficult, but it will take some research, effort, and balls on your part.   But you'll immediately put yourself head and shoulders above all the other online only novices clamouring for a Domme's attention because you'll have DONE something to futher yourself, plus you may well meet someone at one of these functions.

Good luck.

_____________________________

~Ms. Sonnet Marwood~

Deja Moo: The feeling you've heard this bull somewhere before.

(in reply to rob247bot)

RE: What is so hard about finding your first Mistress? - 1/17/2008 1:35:54 PM

GoddessDustyGold

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Joined: 4/11/2004
From: Arizona
Status: offline

MsSonnetMarwood is so very right. So is Tammyjo.
I just posted in My journal., I have truly had a bunch of emails from local boys asking when MzPam and I are going to arrange the next munch, since, admittedly we had a dry spell due to circumstances beyond our controls.
Well, guess what! There is one tomorrow night! It is posted in My journal asking for RSVP's and it is also posted in the upcoming events forum on these message boards.
I have not heard from a single one of these eager beavers.
So, is it possible that of the 8 or more that have contacted Me in past weeks, not one of them is able to make the time to get to this munch? Or should I believe that they don't know what RSVP means, and I am going to meet a few sincere boys tomorrow night?
We shall see! But I would be much more impressed with someone who consistently got their butt out from behind the computer.
Take it as you will...

_____________________________

Dusty
They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety
B Franklin
Don't blame Me ~ I didn't vote for either of them
The Hidden Kingdom

(in reply to MsSonnetMarwood)

RE: What is so hard about finding your first Mistress? - 1/17/2008 6:28:53 PM

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Just as an aside, I really don't think the idea of the "new submissive ready to be molded" is all that valid. I have never met a person older than 13 who did not have ideas about sex and relationships, and any person who consciously knows he is submissive will usually have fantasies that drive him to seek me out as a dominant. If he's never been in a real DS relationship before, unfortunately, I can usually expect that those fantasies of his are going to be a lot more important to him than who I am as a person or what *I* want or need. And it may take ages to break those preconceptions down or adjust them so that I can have any comfort or happiness in the D/S dynamic.

In other words, in order to "mold this blank slate"...I actually have to erase it first. I have to dispel a whooooole lot of ideas about what form submission should take, exactly who is worthy of it and why, how the ideal dominant behaves, what the basis of dominance over another should be, etc., simply so that I can be myself in his company. It's actually far easier to do this with someone who HAS had real experience in DS play or relationships, because the man in question will already have been confronted at least once by a real human being who may have forced a re-evaluation of all those prejudices. "No plan survives contact with the enemy" as they say!

.

*shrug* I do try not to discriminate on people based on age or experience level, if they approach me properly. If you're over the age of 18 and adult enough to know what you want and behave accordingly, I will not draw arbirtrary lines. But I agree with others present that newbies do tend to be flighty and even abusive; many of them still have some hard lessons to learn about ethical behavior, consideration of others, and how important their submissive needs really are--and this general rule can apply to people entering D/S at any age, whether it's 18 or 48.

_____________________________

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
-- Robert A. Heinlein

(in reply to GoddessDustyGold)

RE: What is so hard about finding your first Mistress? - 1/17/2008 6:45:07 PM

Posts: 5279
Joined: 9/28/2006
From: Warm Springs, GA but i live in San Francisco.
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: yem1127
Why is it so difficult for a submissive to find his first mistress?

Perhaps you're not laying out the right bait.

_____________________________

I'm the man your mother warned you about...
if only to keep me to herself.

I'm a male dominant switch whose experienced as a poly sub to a dominant woman
.
Where the fuck do I post?

Proud Owner and Protector of chyldeschylde.

(in reply to yem1127)

RE: What is so hard about finding your first Mistress? - 1/18/2008 12:09:20 PM

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Joined: 10/7/2007
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Some points to remember from a 20 year old slave who just recently became an active member of the lifestyle:

1. Dominants are people too

For example, SadisticCrescentMoonGoddess may be the single most beautiful Domme you've ever seen. She may have a sterling reputation in the local community. She may have a toy chest that could satisfy the fantasies of sixty different people. She may be more sadistic than Elizabeth Bathory after spotting a wrinkle in the mirror. The pictures on her profile may charm you, seduce you, and make you tremble with lust...

Hey, guess what, she still has a 9-5 as a manager at the local Target. She loves to hike, collects seashells, and has a pronounced weakness for any moves with Christian Bale. Hell, she even has a secret obsession with Pokemon that she accidentally caught from her niece a few years back. She has a lot of friends, she's close with her family, and she even goes to Church every Sunday.

Now, this isn't to say she's not serious about the lifestyle. She is. She's just got a full plate elsewhere. If she's just met you. She'll talk to you when she can, so she can get to know you...but it may be a little while before she meets you. It may even been a few meetings before she decides she wants to try a relationship with you. When that happens, you'll become a priority as well. However, you must accept that sometimes her time will not be so free. Not a terrible cross to bear, eh?

So, what I'm trying to say is... There's MORE to her life and interests than what she could do with you. In fact, being a dominant female(and with her hypothetical skills), she probably has offers daily from dozens of different people that are just like yours. Hell, a lot of them may be more skilled than you. They may be better looking than you. Just being available and willing isn't going to attract her. She has that...a lot of that...already.

Being a real human being, in my opinion, will. Treat her exactly as you would any vanilla person you randomly decided to contact. Be yourself. Don't fall into subserviant slave mode 2 minutes into the conversation. Take an interest in her interests outside the lifestyle. Be honest about your interests and your current lot in life. You may find that you have common interests and this will help your bond a lot more if she ever decides to allow you to become her pet.

And hey, if it doesn't work out... Guess what? You'll have a friend in the lifestyle. That's something within itself. You can never have too many friends.

2. A Dominant is not a prop for your fantasies.

In a real life relationship, guess what? Even if you're a full-on sex slave, you won't be used 24/7. If you're a intense pain slut, your Owner won't always be in the mood to tickle that side of your psyche. Relationship types will vary, of course, but there will be times when you're no different...on the surface...from your average vanilla couple. You'll find yourself talking, and even being entertained, by the most seemingly mundane things. You will have your disagreements. You will have your differences of opinion. You will make mistakes. She'll even make mistakes. What? That's not in your fantasies? Tough.

Fantasies begin and end. They start how they're supposed to, the action is amazing, and it ends exactly when it's supposed to. In real life...it doesn't. Sometimes fun goes bad. Sometimes things don't turn out like you plan... Somtimes your Owner will be interested in things outside your perfect fantasy. Sometimes they'll even be interested in things you've never considered. Real life isn't perfect. Nope, not at all. However, it's still a hundred times better than the fantasy in your head.

Example? I never even gave CBT a second thought until I met my Owner. She desired to try it, I was willing, and it turned out to be amazing. It's still not something I actively fantasize about...but it's rather enjoyable.

In a nutshell, I'm saying that you should be prepared to enjoy the idea grocery shopping, the idea cleaing house just to be nice, and the idea of fulfilling her fantasies as well as your own just as much as you enjoy the idea of being whipped and/or humiliated.

Just a few suggestions. I'd do more but I'd be typing all night and -I- have housework to get to. :-p

Fox

< Message edited by Shawn1066 -- 1/18/2008 12:10:25 PM >

(in reply to darchChylde)

RE: What is so hard about finding your first Mistress? - 1/18/2008 12:19:27 PM

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Joined: 10/26/2006
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Shawn!!!! Can we clone you?!?!

MNN

< Message edited by MistressNoName -- 1/18/2008 12:20:57 PM >

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(in reply to Shawn1066)

RE: What is so hard about finding your first Mistress? - 1/18/2008 12:24:26 PM

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Joined: 6/27/2005
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Mmmm I will put myself in the op's shoes. Could all of you please tellme what your trying to say. I just want a Domme. Can you tell me how to get one?

(in reply to Shawn1066)

RE: What is so hard about finding your first Mistress? - 1/18/2008 12:26:50 PM

Posts: 5279
Joined: 9/28/2006
From: Warm Springs, GA but i live in San Francisco.
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absolutely beautifully written and well said Shawn

_____________________________

I'm the man your mother warned you about...
if only to keep me to herself.

I'm a male dominant switch whose experienced as a poly sub to a dominant woman
.
Where the fuck do I post?

Proud Owner and Protector of chyldeschylde.

(in reply to MistressNoName)

RE: What is so hard about finding your first Mistress? - 1/18/2008 12:34:33 PM

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Joined: 8/22/2007
Status: offline

Yes I would have to Agree with Shawn post! Very Well done Shawn. Very well explained it's not that hard to find a dominant. Ok maybe not right away, but hey like shawn said there always enough room for friends! I got one friend who been very opened minded and she has lets say Showed me the Light, Now I couldn't have gotten this far without proving her I wasn't like everyone else. So I proved that I think outside "My Pants" lol I think she put it that way. So now Her and I are good friends and she teaches me something new everyday! Heck I thought she was scary as h3ll when I read her journals and such but she extremely nice, which shocked me. I hoep she we can stay friends even if she isn't my dom.

(in reply to darchChylde)

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