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The submissive is not getting enough "play time&qu... - 2/12/2008 11:24:59 AM

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..what does the femdom do?

If your submissive came to you and said that the frequency and/or intensity of your "playtime" is not enough for him, what do you do? What do you do if he lets you know he wants to "play" tonight, and you are not up for it - and are not up for it a few days later, when he asks again? Do you do it anyway?
What is the proper way for a submissive to ask for more play? Or should a submissive not ask for more?

Were you ever in a situation where a submissive smothered you with too many requests?

Akasha

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RE: The submissive is not getting enough "play tim... - 2/12/2008 11:28:12 AM

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AAkasha....this is an EXCELLENT question...I would like to see this in the General discussion...I bet we'd see some interesting replies.....

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(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: The submissive is not getting enough "play tim... - 2/12/2008 11:37:20 AM

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i don't believe that a submissive should ask for more play, unless there has been a pattern emerging of longer and longer periods between play times with no adequate explanation given.

But, in general; i believe that a submissive should respectfully let the dominant know specifically that he or she feels that their needs are not being met and how it makes them feel. Likely, the dominant has a very good reason and things can be worked around the difficulty. Sometimes it's not that the submissive isn't getting enough play, but that they are going nuts not knowing when they'll get play again. If for some reason it's the dominant's own desire for play is waning, perhaps the two of them can find a way to excite her again; even kinky can get boring and repetitious after a time.

i believe that early in the relationship, a dominant needs to set up an avenue for the submissive to be comfortable with talking about things they fear might upset their dominant; with the reasurrance that so long as all is done in a respectful manner that there will be no negative consequences.. i know that one of the hardest things for me to do is to criticise (or say anything that may even remotely appear to be a criticism) Ma'am, but when i need to talk i can simply ask "May i speak frankly, Ma'am?". It really works.

In my opinion, keeping open lines of honest communication is the key to any D/s (or vanilly, for that matter) relationship.

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(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: The submissive is not getting enough "play tim... - 2/12/2008 11:37:27 AM

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Actually this is one of the questions that how it is worded and what section it is put in shows just how you can color a response and the political correctness/sexism on the board

A male sub writes something like “I am not getting played with enough and I feel not as submissive” gets people bashing him as just a horny bottom just looking for kinky sex. But a woman submissive writing the same thing gets talk about neglect and how discipline is needed thoughts.

I am not trying to be a bitch about this but I remember clearly leaving this board for many months before I even started posted because within a half hour one male and female sub did post these comments in different sections and the replies were exactly as I described and I just shook my head.

I am glad that you wrote it like you did as I think the wording you use is going to give it more credibility unfortunately then when I see this pop up in the general and submissive sections by male subs.

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RE: The submissive is not getting enough "play tim... - 2/12/2008 11:44:07 AM

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I would look at the amount of play time we had been having, talk to him about why he felt like that. Check that I hadnt let things slip and then see. Sometimes life stuff gets in the way and we have gone ages without playing and a gentle reminder that play would be good is fine.
I wont play though if I dont want too whatever he asks me its only fun if we are both up for it. There are times I want more play and he doesnt and I respect that. My relationship has always been give and take when I had casual play partners in the past I had one person who wanted more and moaned and moaned about it till eventually they were moaning to themselves because I moved onto someone else lol

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RE: The submissive is not getting enough "play tim... - 2/12/2008 11:51:03 AM

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I think that's part of the reason HoneyMaster wants to find a Domme for me...He gets very tired, and I'm...well...almost always ready. *lol*

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RE: The submissive is not getting enough "play tim... - 2/12/2008 12:56:35 PM

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I honestly don't know the answers to these questions in general, but I can certainly say that I would rather have a submissive ask for playtime and negotiate to get their needs met, rather than resort to manipulation to try and get those needs met--i.e., trying to make me lose control of my temper and lash out physically or verbally. I have had subs try this tack and I find it really, really unpleasant.

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RE: The submissive is not getting enough "play tim... - 2/12/2008 1:06:48 PM

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As always a great question--I had that scenario, he wanted play, I wanted his commitment to work done, he wanted play, I wanted something done that he agreed to--he wanted play--he got the train.

I don't mind adding more play IF agreed upon commitments and life issues allow.

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(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: The submissive is not getting enough "play tim... - 2/12/2008 1:27:48 PM

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Dear AAkasha, Ladies and Gentlemen;

I come to the summary, that a slave/submissive who says they are not getting enough play time can be responded to by saying--are they slave or are they playmates?

That said, I think the real trap though; is not being very honest that after the honeymoon stage is over--its not filled with a lot of play and more about the management of home, work, relationship, bills--not just the 'play' part.

The other trap is -- looking at a slave a male or female. Slave is neutral and, how I treat slaves should not have any exceptions--especially concerning sexual genital placement. Drill Sergeant is a Drill Sergeant, that is how I look at the role of Dominant and submission/slave.

However, I am a firm beliver of making time. IF I am not feeding the needs of my slaves; its my responsibility to do so. Some feed through hamburgers and some feed through a nice flogging session and any assortment of reaffirmation and feeling themselves where they need that space and place to replentish themselves and envelope in their enslavement.

It is easy, I shall admit--that I can play the "I am Dominant, I don't feel like it right now" card. We Dominants can/could. However, we do not allow that from our slaves. I'm one who likes to be fair--so, I often draw my beehind up and get my old rusty hinges moving...get the ball rolling and let the energy carry me along and ease my humanly bonds. I do things from the heart. When my slave is hungry--I feed them. It is the only right thing to do.

Just some thoughts.

Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: The submissive is not getting enough "play tim... - 2/12/2008 1:32:06 PM

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I think it's a matter of not biting more than one can chew. A person should have as many submissives as they have the desire, time, and resources to make happy. Having three dozen subs one sees once a year means nothing. I think for a d/s relationship to work, the frequency must be there. A play partner vs a relationship comes down to frequency and intimacy, and if either of those are stripped, I can see the house of cards falling down.

(in reply to LadyHathor)

RE: The submissive is not getting enough "play tim... - 2/12/2008 1:46:18 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ToysAndTies

I think it's a matter of not biting more than one can chew. A person should have as many submissives as they have the desire, time, and resources to make happy. Having three dozen subs one sees once a year means nothing. I think for a d/s relationship to work, the frequency must be there. A play partner vs a relationship comes down to frequency and intimacy, and if either of those are stripped, I can see the house of cards falling down.

Due to real life, and unexpected complications; even making time for that kind of interaction with one submissive is, on occasion, simply not possible or practical. If a submissive is neglected for a time, even an extended time; it does not always reflect negatively on the dominant.

Sometimes, after making their needs and desires known; a submissive just needs to sack up and deal with it. It may mean waiting until time and circumstances are better, it may mean openly and honestly looking for another outlet to find that particular type of relief or even moving on. It's a hard truth, but that makes it no less true.

_____________________________

I'm the man your mother warned you about...
if only to keep me to herself.

I'm a male dominant switch whose experienced as a poly sub to a dominant woman
.
Where the fuck do I post?

Proud Owner and Protector of chyldeschylde.

(in reply to ToysAndTies)

RE: The submissive is not getting enough "play tim... - 2/12/2008 2:00:32 PM

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Even with real life's complications and difficulties, we find time for those we care about. That's the difference between a friendship and a relationship, and between casual and serious encounters. I am one of those believers that if you want something bad enough, you find the time.

(in reply to darchChylde)

RE: The submissive is not getting enough "play tim... - 2/12/2008 2:21:05 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ToysAndTies

Even with real life's complications and difficulties, we find time for those we care about. That's the difference between a friendship and a relationship, and between casual and serious encounters. I am one of those believers that if you want something bad enough, you find the time.

Things like time and energy do not magically appear with good intentions. And not playing with a submissive is not the same as not having time for them. my hard-won experience holds true that if you want something bad enough, you are understanding and supportive and you bide your time until your dominant can make it happen. i love fairy tales and i spend much of my life with my nose in fantasy books, but i live my real life in the real world; and i'm grown up enough to know that believing in something doesn't make it happen.

No matter how many times you click your heels or how emphatically you say "There's no place like home.", you won't get there standing and dancing and muttering to yourself.

_____________________________

I'm the man your mother warned you about...
if only to keep me to herself.

I'm a male dominant switch whose experienced as a poly sub to a dominant woman
.
Where the fuck do I post?

Proud Owner and Protector of chyldeschylde.

(in reply to ToysAndTies)

RE: The submissive is not getting enough "play tim... - 2/12/2008 2:28:42 PM

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One sure method I know for getting playtime is to pamper my Domina. Playtime is very exhausting for Her. I have found if I spend time doing for Her the things that I know both relax Her and drift her mind over to what fun She can have with me, then time is found. And this is not a manipulation on my part. She's the one that told me this key.

(in reply to ToysAndTies)

RE: The submissive is not getting enough "play tim... - 2/12/2008 2:33:30 PM

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If someone wants more play time and the reason we aren't having more play time is because I'm busy then I explain that to the sub. If he's a good partner, nothing to do with submission here, he then offers to take up some of my work load, perhaps household chores.

If we aren't playing because I'm been ill then the fact that he asks indicates he isn't paying attention and we are unlikely a good match.

Is it because I'm stressed perhaps by external matters, a good partner asks what he can do to help relieve my stress. Less stress for the top equals more desire to play.

So what I do depends on what he does.

If he just states a need or desire and is unwilling to do the work necessary to make it happen, there's the door, don't let it hit your ass on the way out.

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(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: The submissive is not getting enough "play tim... - 2/12/2008 2:43:59 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo

If he just states a need or desire and is unwilling to do the work necessary to make it happen, there's the door, don't let it hit your ass on the way out.

Yes, tammyjo; very good point. i was assuming that as a given, but unfortunately; with many submissives, it apparently is not.

edited to add: In my not so humble opinion, one of the most basic of duties of a submissive is to do whatever they are able to make their dominant's life easier and happier.

< Message edited by darchChylde -- 2/12/2008 2:50:30 PM >

_____________________________

I'm the man your mother warned you about...
if only to keep me to herself.

I'm a male dominant switch whose experienced as a poly sub to a dominant woman
.
Where the fuck do I post?

Proud Owner and Protector of chyldeschylde.

(in reply to thetammyjo)

RE: The submissive is not getting enough "play tim... - 2/12/2008 2:50:53 PM

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It seems to me the Doming men is a lot of work requiring a lot of time and planning. And speaking from a TOTAL lack of experience in the area, as I do, I am blessed with the strength and confidence that come from complete ignorance.

So, I know nothing about Doming or being Dommed upon, but I do know that when people are wearing me out I put them to work. Idle hands are the Devil's workshop and a pain in my ass.

Put the guy to work and use your FemDom Imagineering.to make it subby.

Have the guy stand in the corner for a half hour and then do some laundry?

Have him lick you kitchen floor clean (and then have him mop afterwards). Or polish your large appliances with a Q-tip creatively affixed to his person.

Maybe even put one sub to work setting things up for another sub? That's got to be humiliating and super subby. Delegation is a force multipier.

Would it be possible to structure the play so that it was less work for you?

What about some new adventures in sensor depravation? Sit the guy down somewhere with a blindfold on and a player full of MP3s of your own design -- kinky talk, interspersed with algebra lessons that you've might download from somewhere, or develop yourself in your new found spare time..

Stick him in a strait jacket and lay him down in front of some femdom vids. Or Teletubbies if you want to be real cruel.

Any one of these things has got to be good for at least an hour of peace and might take some items off your To Do so you can do other things.

Just being Mr. Fixit. Comes with the mixed XY pair.

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: The submissive is not getting enough "play tim... - 2/12/2008 5:12:52 PM

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"I wish we had more play time together, is there anything wrong or have you been very busy? Is there anything I can do to help alleviate stress/discomfort/fatigue?"
Asking the why, instead of demanding time, would be my approach. If there is a problem, I try to help fix it, or, have to be patient and wait for it to pass. If it can't be solved after a few months, it's time to accept things aren't working out how both parties want it to.

(in reply to TermsConditions)

RE: The submissive is not getting enough "play tim... - 2/12/2008 6:55:32 PM

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It is all in the approach. That includes the frequency of the approach. Pestering Me in the wrong way certainly doesn't work. While I think it is important for a sub to express his needs appropriately to his Dominant, it shouldn't turn into nagging, either.

I've been in the situation in the past where My frequency of play didn't match that of a potential sub. This was a situation where good communication paid off, because it was obvious that the match wasn't a good fit. No harm, no foul.

With My current sub, there are times that there isn't as much play as either would like. That falls into the life happens category, which is often fueled by My hideous work schedule compared to his at times. There might be some weeks that there's no play at all because neither of us have the same free hours as the other. I just make up for that with longer scenes if it's been a while since the last time. Great thing about marks. If the old ones have faded, you just put on a round of even better ones.

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RE: The submissive is not getting enough "play tim... - 2/12/2008 8:10:18 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHugs

I come to the summary, that a slave/submissive who says they are not getting enough play time can be responded to by saying--are they slave or are they playmates?

That said, I think the real trap though; is not being very honest that after the honeymoon stage is over--its not filled with a lot of play and more about the management of home, work, relationship, bills--not just the 'play' part.

The other trap is -- looking at a slave a male or female. Slave is neutral and, how I treat slaves should not have any exceptions--especially concerning sexual genital placement. Drill Sergeant is a Drill Sergeant, that is how I look at the role of Dominant and submission/slave.

However, I am a firm beliver of making time. IF I am not feeding the needs of my slaves; its my responsibility to do so. Some feed through hamburgers and some feed through a nice flogging session and any assortment of reaffirmation and feeling themselves where they need that space and place to replentish themselves and envelope in their enslavement.

Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs

I agree.

I would suggest to him a female Top would be more suitable for his needs. While a give and take is essential for a relationship to work; I, however, prefer a male whose primary motive is to give, i.e., to serve and submit.

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