Is 'neediness' undomly? Have you ever been smothered by neediness?

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Is 'neediness' undomly? Have you ever been smothered by... - 6/3/2008 1:54:47 PM

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Male and female subs - have you ever been in a relationship with a dominant partner that was so emotionally needy that it was a turn off - that it seemed too 'undominant' and thus messed with your ability to submit to them?

In this case I am defining neediness as the emotional need for approval, acceptance ("Am I doing this right? Are you ok with me? Do you still love me? You haven't kissed me today, are you with me?") or the unrelenting need for attention (ie, "You don't call me enough. You didn't email me today. You don't want to see me this weekend? Why? What am I doing wrong?")

Is the need for attention, for affirmation, for affection sometimes a strain on your submissive side?

Akasha

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RE: Is 'neediness' undomly? Have you ever been smothere... - 6/3/2008 1:56:45 PM

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it would be. I have encountered men who have shown this charecteristic and I have chosen not to engage in a relationship with them.

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RE: Is 'neediness' undomly? Have you ever been smothere... - 6/3/2008 2:04:39 PM

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When observing this behavior in someone who was trying to interest me, another friend of mine said, "Dominating while sniveling at your feet... that's a new one."

So the answer would be... no, I couldn't submit to someone sniveling at my feet.

Cali

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RE: Is 'neediness' undomly? Have you ever been smothere... - 6/3/2008 2:36:10 PM

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This strikes a chord with me in a different way because I see it as my dealio. I am not an affectionate person. I hate PDA. (Pretty sure I invented, "Get a room!") I don't know why but I get really, really uncomfortable with someone who wants to keep his arm around me or hold my hand walking or keep hugging me all over the place. It seems to me to be akin to "neediness" too.

I've been thinking about it because I can be affectionate with my kids; I kiss and hug my mom, dad and brother every time I see them and every time I leave them. I love to spoon, horizontal "affection" is outstanding...it's just...the excess I think that does it to me. More than just a little, little bit feels like too much. Feels like neediness. I feel bad because I'd not likely randomly hug him or throw my arms around him, etc., either and it's my understanding that some folks dig that.

Freak-a-deak or what?

< Message edited by subtee -- 6/3/2008 2:49:45 PM >

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RE: Is 'neediness' undomly? Have you ever been smothere... - 6/3/2008 2:38:11 PM

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I think of those as submissive traits and no, its not respected in a Dominant.

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RE: Is 'neediness' undomly? Have you ever been smothere... - 6/3/2008 4:14:03 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

Is the need for attention, for affirmation, for affection sometimes a strain on your submissive side?

Yes... sometimes it's hard to remember that i'm not supposed to be the person in charge of the relationship, because i usually feel as though i am. So, it's this weird paradoxy thing where i'm effectively submitting by making decisions, giving effiusive encouragement, hiding disappointment, etc. (whereas submitting is sort of loosely defined as "going above and beyond to do things you wouldn't ordinarily do in order to please your partner")

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Is 'neediness' undomly? Have you ever been smothere... - 6/3/2008 4:26:18 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

Male and female subs - have you ever been in a relationship with a dominant partner that was so emotionally needy that it was a turn off - that it seemed too 'undominant' and thus messed with your ability to submit to them?

In this case I am defining neediness as the emotional need for approval, acceptance ("Am I doing this right? Are you ok with me? Do you still love me? You haven't kissed me today, are you with me?") or the unrelenting need for attention (ie, "You don't call me enough. You didn't email me today. You don't want to see me this weekend? Why? What am I doing wrong?")

Is the need for attention, for affirmation, for affection sometimes a strain on your submissive side?

Akasha

Truthfully, I hadn't thought of the "clinging" as being undommly but more of a perception of insecurity in the dominant person. I can understand where they would want periodic reassurance that everything is running smooth between them and their submissive yet when it is becoming too consistent then I feel there's an issue which is unresolved.
Usually in a relationship each person will and does let their partner know they are loved, they are thought of, etc. To me, this is a subtle way to indicate if things are good or there may be an issue which needs to be resolved before moving on. Each person has their own measuring stick to determine if their partner is "needy" or "distant natured." We all need some reaffirmations that the relationship is healthy and our partner/dom is wanted/needed/desired.
I would have a problem of I had a Sir who constantly wanted reassurance he was doing thing ok or always demanding my full attention on him. I'd see this as being needy and lacking self confidence and this would drastically affect my ability to submit to him.

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RE: Is 'neediness' undomly? Have you ever been smothere... - 6/3/2008 4:29:03 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha
Male and female subs - have you ever been in a relationship with a dominant partner that was so emotionally needy that it was a turn off - that it seemed too 'undominant' and thus messed with your ability to submit to them?

Yes.

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha
In this case I am defining neediness as the emotional need for approval, acceptance ("Am I doing this right? Are you ok with me? Do you still love me? You haven't kissed me today, are you with me?") or the unrelenting need for attention (ie, "You don't call me enough. You didn't email me today. You don't want to see me this weekend? Why? What am I doing wrong?")

Is the need for attention, for affirmation, for affection sometimes a strain on your submissive side?

Akasha

Yes, it was a strain. Questions about if I found him handsome, if I thought he was a good kisser, if I thought he was a good [fill in insecurity of the day]... I tried to overlook it , but after a while, it was simply un-dominant. If that's a word.

Closely related to this for me is any need in a dominant to continually point out or specifically call attention to his own good qualities, or worse, his own dominance. I personally find that even more of a turn off than neediness.

All of which is not to say that I don't have my own needy moments, because I do. Also to say that we're all human... some of this is simply human and it's a give and take. It's just when it gets to be a habit that there's a problem for me.

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Is 'neediness' undomly? Have you ever been smothere... - 6/3/2008 4:31:21 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

In this case I am defining neediness as the emotional need for approval, acceptance ("Am I doing this right? Are you ok with me? Do you still love me? You haven't kissed me today, are you with me?") or the unrelenting need for attention (ie, "You don't call me enough. You didn't email me today. You don't want to see me this weekend? Why? What am I doing wrong?")

Is the need for attention, for affirmation, for affection sometimes a strain on your submissive side?

Akasha

Nearly everyone has the emotional need for approval and acceptance. Even our Masters/Mistresses/Doms/Dommes. That's part of being a social animal. That being said, there comes a point when it can get out of hand and if it does, the sub/slave will see it as weakness and become less able to submit fully. Nobody likes sniveling

.

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RE: Is 'neediness' undomly? Have you ever been smothere... - 6/3/2008 4:32:43 PM

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[Is the need for attention, for affirmation, for affection sometimes a strain on your submissive side? ]

It would be a constant strain on my submissive side, and therefore, I could never be with any man like that, let alone one who was my Dominant.

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Is 'neediness' undomly? Have you ever been smothere... - 6/3/2008 4:45:53 PM

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For him, that kind of insecurity only comes out when he hasn't slept. So here, it's just a cue to ask if he got any sleep last night and would he like to lie down?

But 24/7? I would assume we just weren't clicking if he couldn't read me at all to know what was up.

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RE: Is 'neediness' undomly? Have you ever been smothere... - 6/3/2008 4:49:16 PM

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Yes and ohjeez it was a huge turn off. Irrevocable. We had chatted and phoned for months without a sign of that neediness from him. Even when he came to visit and play it wasn't there the first few times then it was like some sort of pod person took over.I had to reassure him over everything, telling him all the stuff he did was right etc. He also did the 'do you still love me' bit even though I had never said I loved him to begin with. Eventually I realised he wasn't dominant inside, he liked the image of being a dominant but couldn't pull it off in the long run.At the end he repelled me.

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RE: Is 'neediness' undomly? Have you ever been smothere... - 6/3/2008 4:55:24 PM

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My Master is not clingy or smothering, but He is very affectionate and is also very vocal about expressing thoughts and feelings. Just like me, He needs to be reassured at times that all is well, that He is missed, loved, needed, wanted, etc.... His birth mother was apparently notorious for taking Him places when He was a toddler and leaving Him in bathrooms, or just walking off from Him. He freely admits that He has abandonment issues and I understand that completely. I do not see His needing a little extra care, affirmation or affection at times as being undomly at all! I see it as being human.... and most importantly, that He loves me and trusts me enough to allow me to be that special place where He can be vulnerable. That is something I treasure!

Our relationship is still relatively young and we are learning so much about each other, and He will often ask me about how I felt about something He did to me, etc.... I don't see that as being undomly either. I call it communicating.

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RE: Is 'neediness' undomly? Have you ever been smothere... - 6/3/2008 6:18:13 PM

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~FR~

It isn't so much that it would be a strain on my submissive side or my submissive nature - it would be a strain on me just generally as a person. A person (friend, significant other, family member, etc.) who is constantly seeking approval even if I have done my best to reassure would be trying at best. I am perfectly willing to do some reassuring to a point, but eventually that will get really old. I've found that many people need to be reassured in certain ways (specifically in words, specifically in actions, etc.) but again, there is only so much that a person can do to help boost an ego. ;)

(in reply to BRNaughtyAngel)

RE: Is 'neediness' undomly? Have you ever been smothere... - 6/3/2008 6:23:24 PM

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It would be quite a strain on our relationship. I wouldn't want to be with a Dom that wasn't secure in himself, in me, in our relationship. Hell, I couldn't take that in myself. I can understand times where one or both may be feeling the stress of life or things seem to be happening all at once and one or both may need a little reassurance. But for that to be the norm, no.

(in reply to lilacs)

RE: Is 'neediness' undomly? Have you ever been smothere... - 6/3/2008 6:27:53 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

In this case I am defining neediness as the emotional need for approval, acceptance ("Am I doing this right? Are you ok with me? Do you still love me? You haven't kissed me today, are you with me?") or the unrelenting need for attention (ie, "You don't call me enough. You didn't email me today. You don't want to see me this weekend? Why? What am I doing wrong?")

Is the need for attention, for affirmation, for affection sometimes a strain on your submissive side?

You've just described me, but you make it sound negative.
I look for approval, acceptance and attention from the boys, nearly constantly. I am not insecure about any of it, I just want it.
With Angel, becasue of his madly fluctuating moods when he gets stressed, I am more along the lines of "I havent played with you in a while, are we still doing that?" and "You never tell me you love me, you do love me dont you?" not becasue I doubt it, but becasue he forgets I want to hear it. That last part, minus the "what am I doing wrong" is pretty much a constant dialog around here. You dont call me enough, you dont email me, I asked you a question in IMs you didnt get back to me, why? We had plans this weekend and not you cant see me, what gives. Its frusteration... his schedule used to be aweful.

My affectionate side has never made me seem undomly, nor has it worn on their submission. If anything, it has strengthened it, because they are both attention sluts. My constant wheedling Angel about his avalability was actually a positive thing, it let him know I expected him to be what he was around his schedule and wasnt going to give up on him becasue he was busy. I kept him focused on things outside school, and he thanks me for it when he thinks about it. We no longer have a rough time like we did, but that was all pretty constant when we did.

I havent had that issue with Fox, he is clingy and I worry if I dont talk to him or email him at least a handful of times a day.

Thankfully, I met boys who are lik me. If they were loners, and unaffectionate, then I am sure how I act could be a problem. If you do not like the attention, then I could see where it could be a negative. But, if you do like the attention, it can be a reaffirmation that your dominant is thinking about you. Assuming, of course, it isnt weak and whiny, but just concerned and honest and loving.

My 2 cents
DV

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(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Is 'neediness' undomly? Have you ever been smothere... - 6/3/2008 6:38:17 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha
In this case I am defining neediness as the emotional need for approval, acceptance ("Am I doing this right? Are you ok with me? Do you still love me? You haven't kissed me today, are you with me?") or the unrelenting need for attention (ie, "You don't call me enough. You didn't email me today. You don't want to see me this weekend? Why? What am I doing wrong?")

I think the key for me is the term "unrelenting". It is a need that someone can never meet no matter what they do. The person is always needing more.

I wouldn't matter whether the person identified as dominant, submissive or neither, they would be a drain on my energy and my interactions with them would be extremely limited. I would not have someone like that be a large part of my life.

Knight's Kyra

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RE: Is 'neediness' undomly? Have you ever been smothere... - 6/3/2008 6:41:41 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DiurnalVampire

But, if you do like the attention, it can be a reaffirmation that your dominant is thinking about you. Assuming, of course, it isnt weak and whiny, but just concerned and honest and loving.

My 2 cents
DV

You just stated the difference that I see. Being thoughtful, strong, affectionate, loving, honest, concerned, etc. is entirely different that being weak, whiny and insecure.

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RE: Is 'neediness' undomly? Have you ever been smothere... - 6/3/2008 6:47:25 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

Male and female subs - have you ever been in a relationship with a dominant partner that was so emotionally needy that it was a turn off - that it seemed too 'undominant' and thus messed with your ability to submit to them?

In this case I am defining neediness as the emotional need for approval, acceptance ("Am I doing this right? Are you ok with me?

Is the need for attention, for affirmation, for affection sometimes a strain on your submissive side?

Akasha

I haven’t experienced that per say - but I have encountered Dominant women who were hesitant to take their emotional armor off because they felt if might be seen as a sign of weakness (or that they were not dominant) if they weren’t always “bulletproof.” Also common – and perfectly understandable - are times that dominant women are concerned that you only want what they offer, that they are a door for kinky desires and control rather than some level of friendship and respect for the real flesh and blood woman that exists. (This can happen a lot in the early stages of a relationship.) I don’t think less that they need reinsurance. If anything, I am impressed by their bravery and honored that they would let their guard down around me from time to time. I worry less and am more confident about how a relationship is doing if I know she’ll be honest on how satisfied she is with it.

I actually don’t trust a dominant – after a few months – that would not share insecurities or not need an occasional reassurance. We’re human – we’re all insecure at certain times. I feel – if you can follow my logic – that those who are “never” insecure – are actually very insecure.

(People who are control freaks and paranoid – those are the things that turn me off.)

It is a matter of balance but some of the sweetest moments in my life were when I noticed (correctly) that someone I was involved with was insecure and I reassured them that I still desired them. And there were times that I did that and they become more confident and well…the outcome was very delicious.

HieroV

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Is 'neediness' undomly? Have you ever been smothere... - 6/3/2008 6:48:02 PM

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I'd avoid relationships with anyone who couldn't admit, accept and allow me to help them meet their needs, and with anyone who couldn't take care of their own needs for the most part.

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