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RE: Lazy sub--does it matter? - 9/8/2008 11:19:29 AM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		It sounds like your partner is escaping life in general.  He surely isn’t presenting as an adult and is more like a wayward teenager.  I cannot relate to your situation in the sense that I have never had a partner act like this, but I can relate it to parenthood.  When I got real sick after being a very consistent parent, I was less consistent.  The um’s took full advantage of that.  Because I was irritable and in pain, I was trying to keep control of my temper when they would not do what I told them to do.  I tried talking and talked and talked and talked and talked… get the point… very irritating to do over and over.  My words fell on deaf ears because they knew I couldn’t get up the stairs to enforce what I said.  I was powerless until I realized that I was talking too much, being too patient and being too understanding and my tempering my anger was the mistake and rather than get mad, I simply took charge with one warning of what would happen if I was not obeyed.

Your situation doesn’t sound like D/s to me.  It sounds more like parent and um.  He is not willing to try and please you, you have enabled him to continue as he has and anything you do at this point will be shocking, simply because you haven’t done anything but argue over it and accept his will in the continuance of his willful decision to do nothing but what he wants, assured that you will keep him anyway. 

Whether he is depressed or confused or lost or simply lazy, he has the upper hand and has won up to this point.  You either cave in and live with it not willing to get rid of him or you find a way to get through it with a better outcome.  You are not dealing with a um.  Whether or not he is depressed, escaping or has some issue you have excused or not, the issue isn’t really with him.  It is with you.  Just as when my um’s were not listening.  The problem wasn’t with them, it was with me and how I handled them.

If you are not holding him accountable, he will continue.  How to hold him accountable… is another story altogether and I assume that is what you are here for.  First problem in my opinion.  You must find your core as a person, woman, partner or dominant.  If you are unsure of your core self or stand and second guess yourself, you are going to have problems in being in charge of anything.  You must validate your core, stand or belief and then hold to it, believing it is right and good and you will accept no other way and then be willing to enforce your stand, whatever that means.  It is often in cases of um’s or addict’s, etc. called ‘tough love’.  You either do it or don’t.  He either man’s up or adult’s up or not.  You either accept it or not.

One thing I have noticed in d/s and long term relationships that end in living together or married is that the dominant will often get side tracked by trying to make the marriage work and will let little things slide that they wouldn’t normally with a submissive.  The submissive will often take advantage of that in little things and if allowed to continue, they do and will, whether it is testing you, crying out for more of your control or simply taking advantage of a situation and being lazy.  At times we all have things to deal with mentally or emotionally as life is very challenging, but to excuse our behavior on a personal issue is about the same as taking advantage of a situation.  At some point things need to be addressed and changed.

Personally I don’t want a relationship with someone I must parent.  Submissive does not mean infantile in most cases.  For whatever reasons your partner has reverted from adulthood and it is time to grow up. (Or may never have been there, but I doubt you would have accepted that. You fell in love with him for some reason.)  Go tough love or be submissive to his will.

(in reply to Lashra)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Lazy sub--does it matter? - 9/8/2008 11:29:46 AM   
PrincessDonna


Posts: 189
Joined: 7/7/2006
Status: offline 		I am not unplugging my computer because a sub is slipping!Get another sub to come in and do the work and let that be where your attention goes,it's a good way to remind him that he is not the only one willing to serve you!It does seem as though he has control of the situation and you need to check that quickly!

(in reply to Lockit)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Lazy sub--does it matter? - 9/8/2008 12:41:14 PM   
hopelessfool


Posts: 988
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		I would suggest, sitting down and having the talk.
"Pet, why arent you doing your chores, are you feeling neglected, whats causing this problem in you"

Make sure he can tell you with out fear, because If I know my Owner isnt going to be happy with an answer of, well x. Im not likely going to tell Him because Im scared of him getting angry or being disappointed that Im feeling or experiencing x. For him to be honest, you have to provide a place to be honest. 

Once you figure out the why, you can fix the why, and the subsequent  who and what and when the why caused. If its simply because he doesnt feel like doing the chores, then lay your foot down. Give him the ultimatum though they really suck.

Make a list of chores for every day, but if he hasn't done them in a long time a small list every day. Say Monday Do the laundry and run the vacuum, Tuesday sweep the floors and dust, Wednesday do the yard work. and so on. Make the chores MANAGEABLE.

I cant stress enough, how it feels to be given a list of chores 10 miles long and feel beyond overwhelmed that they are expected to be done all in one day, or Im going to be in trouble. At that point I can say I know Im going to fail at doing it so why try? Why put in the effort simply to be told all my hard work isnt going to be good enough?

If he after given a list of expectations and manageable list of chores, doesn't do it. We have to pull out the unhappy Owner and subbie card. Dont turn off your services or otherwise hinder yourself. Thats going to make you angry, and resent your sub for making you do this punishment. Lock down his account. Make sure he cant get Internet access, If you want to start with just his gaming sites the Internet provides a great amount  of parental lock downs. Also theres several programs out there that limit the time, give him say 2 hours a day.  After those 2 hours are spent on-line the computer will not access the Internet. It will be denied with a pretty little pop up, saying you have exceeded your time allowed on the Internet, your time will be reset at 12.00 am. The library uses a similar program so ask them what it is.

If after small restrictions dont work, and your still at a loss, take it away all together lock that computer up tighter then prision, lock down the tv, and everything in the house to make sure HE HAS to do his chores.

Also make it very very very very very very very clear, he is in no way shape or form, allowed to go to someone else's house to access their computer. Make sure you know who he would go to and talk to them about his "problem" explain you are trying to help him with his Internet problem and he might come to them to gain access.  They will most likely happily help because Alot of people enjoy seeing others miserable.

If youve gone through a b and c. and theres still no change, your going to have to make the tough choice, release him? Maybe, get a new subbie? maybe, get a maid, maybe. But the important thing here is that you are Both happy.

I also dont feel that just because your giving him slack that this is the Main reason he isnt doing his chores. Ive NEVER taken advantage of slack given to me. Why I knew it was given to see if I would take it. Part of the problem might be he knows you will do it if he doesnt, so Its going to be gross but.. DONT DO IT. It will be icky as all fuck, but dont do the dishes dont vacuum, dont do anything but maybe the shower for healths sake and bits of your laundry so you can be clean to go to work. Eventually, it might take a week or a month but the guy will get sick of living in his own filth he will start cleaning of his own accord just because its so damned icky after a while.

I had this problem with my mother growing up, I never had to clean my room, id come home from school it be done, I never had to do chores Id come home from  school it be done. Id ask her why she did it and she said oh, I just felt like it. It wasnt that I was taking advantage it was because I didnt get a chance to do it. Id wake up at 9 on a saturday and go to get my wash it  be neatly folded in my drawers. Very creepy.

I didnt start to do my own household chores until I was 15 and she went on vacation for a week, it took two days and I've been doing most of my own mess causing chores as well as most of the regular chores because anymore just makes me feel icky.  Shes realized this to the most part and now doesnt do many chores, why? Because if she doesnt I will.


_____________________________

" I have nothing left to give, I have found the perfect end, You remain to make it hurt, disappear in to the dirt, carry me to heavens arms.....Dear Agony Just let go of me, suffer slowly, is this the way its gotta be, Dear Agony...."

(in reply to PrincessDonna)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Lazy sub--does it matter? - 9/8/2008 1:56:34 PM   
CallaFirestormBW


Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline 		It's great to say "Oh, poor subbie, what's wrong that you don't want to do your chores?", but frankly, the house would fall apart if SR and I didn't drag our aching bodies out of bed and off to work -- the days we have to go with cracked fingers from the chemicals in the lab (SR) and a mobility scooter for me so that I can manage the 15+ miles of running in a day between the clinic and the offices with my MS. Nobody comes and says "Oh, you poor women -- you don't feel good... oh, well, you don't have to do anything today. You can just sit here and play on the computer all day long.", unless we want to pay for it with a sick-leave day (during which we are still available on pager on an 'on call' basis!) Even when we -are- off for a day, we're typically still working. My Darling rarely -gets- a day off, because she works with research animals who need to be cared for every day. For me, it is reading journal articles and sorting data in order to be able to write -more- journal articles, clinical protocols, grants, and textbooks... and then throw in the personal writing, counseling, and networking so that maybe, when I retire, I can still be earning an income from my fiction and still serve the communities that I committed to caring for. Even if we -have- a servant who takes care of most of the household chores, there is still a crap-load (sorry for being crass) of stuff that our servant can't do for us, and whether or not the servant is there, we -still- have to hold up that load, come hell or high water.

I've heard some folks say "well, you're the dominant and that's your job." Great... I'm fine with that (clearly -- I've been doing it with or without a servant for 30 years!), but that doesn't mean that someone -else- with vital duties shouldn't have to do their jobs as well. I come to depend on our servants when we have them, and if they don't do their part, that means I have to do my job and their job, and yes, that pisses me off.

I'm not saying that there can't be bad days, but I guarantee you that I'd have problems with someone who was sitting around all day doing nothing but twiddling around on the computer while I was at work earning the money so he -had- internet, and then coming home to an empty stove, dirty dishes, filthy house... I'm sorry, but I wouldn't be all gentle and nice about that... especially if it went on for an extended period of time where I thought we'd already discussed the issue. The computer would be locked up, the cords would be in my briefcase (heck with locking them up at the house), and any other privileges would disappear until he either got with the program and started pulling his weight, or he decided that he didn't really want to submit anyway and he walked out.

Calla Firestorm


< Message edited by CallaFirestormBW -- 9/8/2008 1:57:12 PM >

_____________________________

***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer

(in reply to hopelessfool)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Lazy sub--does it matter? - 9/8/2008 2:49:39 PM   
hopelessfool


Posts: 988
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		Calla, I find as a sub my owner not trying to figure out why I misbehaved, causes more problems then the bad behavior. First of I dont just misbehave to misbehave, I dont know many subs who do. If Im misbehaving, theres a reason involved. And sometimes its hard to tell that reason. I mean wouldnt you feel like a total and complete scum of the earth if you find out your being a hard ass on someone whos trying to emotionally process loosing their father, or not being able to have children, or being diagnosed with cancer?

Im not saying any of these things are an excuse to not do chores. But Im going to be less likely to want to do a hundred tasks a day If I just got a piece of news like this. We dont know how long the behaviors been going on nor if its a "thing" he does. Id rather my owner take the time to get to know the why, then have to constantly wonder if Im sick to day, If im going to have to push myself to being worse off because hes not going to care. And thats the message "it doesnt matter the why just do it" conveys to me. It screams, I dont give a fuck about you, but what you do for me....

_____________________________

" I have nothing left to give, I have found the perfect end, You remain to make it hurt, disappear in to the dirt, carry me to heavens arms.....Dear Agony Just let go of me, suffer slowly, is this the way its gotta be, Dear Agony...."

(in reply to CallaFirestormBW)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Lazy sub--does it matter? - 9/8/2008 3:51:01 PM   
ShaktiSama


Posts: 1674
Joined: 8/13/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: zavalfuin
I am wondering whether I have to just throw in the towel and realize that he is not going to ever do such ordinary chores as clean the house, but if that is not the case, then quite frankly, he sits around doing what he likes.


If you had some expectation in this relationship other than being this man's service top, you're going to have to do something about this.  At present, it sounds like you are the one serving him; he dominates the relationship.  You not only work to support the two of you, but you also keep the house, and allow him to enjoy his leisure time unchallenged--sounds to me like you're the slave.  If that arrangement doesn't suit you, you'd best put your foot down.

And yes, I'm sorry to say it, but that DOES mean "getting rid" of him if necessary--or at least making it clear that you can and you WILL if he does not shape up.  Think of it this way:  this person's behavior would not be acceptable in a vanilla partner, much less a submissive.  Right now you are in a relationship which would only make a female submissive happy.  If you are naturally dominant in orientation, your ability to tolerate a male-dominant relationship will erode over time no matter what you do, and any love you have for this man will be destroyed in the process.

You're better off acting now, getting him in line, and creating a relationship you can live with.  If you don't, you'll both face the consequences later.  No matter how much you love him, any man who makes you choose between your own nature and your love for him will lose.

_____________________________

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
-- Robert A. Heinlein

(in reply to zavalfuin)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Lazy sub--does it matter? - 9/8/2008 5:00:08 PM   
CallaFirestormBW


Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hopelessfool

Calla, I find as a sub my owner not trying to figure out why I misbehaved, causes more problems then the bad behavior. First of I dont just misbehave to misbehave, I dont know many subs who do. If Im misbehaving, theres a reason involved. And sometimes its hard to tell that reason. I mean wouldnt you feel like a total and complete scum of the earth if you find out your being a hard ass on someone whos trying to emotionally process loosing their father, or not being able to have children, or being diagnosed with cancer?

Im not saying any of these things are an excuse to not do chores. But Im going to be less likely to want to do a hundred tasks a day If I just got a piece of news like this. We dont know how long the behaviors been going on nor if its a "thing" he does. Id rather my owner take the time to get to know the why, then have to constantly wonder if Im sick to day, If im going to have to push myself to being worse off because hes not going to care. And thats the message "it doesnt matter the why just do it" conveys to me. It screams, I dont give a fuck about you, but what you do for me....


I agree with you, although we've never -had- a servant, in over a decade, who didn't share with one of the people in the hierarchy if there was a valid reason for hir temporary inability to focus on hir work (including things like bipolars slipping into depression and exhaustion from a recent vacation that had too many things planned for the amount of time and a mate who HAD to do everything on the list).

We tell our servants up front that if there is something going on that is impacting (or that they even -think- may affect) their ability to serve with their full attention, we want to know, just so a situation like that -doesn't- come up. However, that doesn't seem to be the case with the OP. Several of the comments she made implied an ongoing tendency to sit around doing nothing while the "boss" was off busting her ass. To me, that isn't situational -- it is a chronic issue with failure to abide by the tenets of the contract agreed upon. Now, she also says that she can't let him go -- so it may very well be that she has to hire someone to come in and do the house, if he isn't going to... in that case, I'd say "go get a job to pay for the housekeeper we're going to need to hire now.", but that's just me.

Calla Firestorm

_____________________________

***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer

(in reply to hopelessfool)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Lazy sub--does it matter? - 9/8/2008 5:07:04 PM   
hopelessfool


Posts: 988
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		I fully agree with the need to make him do things, and a good way to help, but I think the first step is to find out why. It might simply be because he knows she will step in and do the cleaning. It might be because hes sick and doenst want to appear weak.  The only time in my life I disobeyed with intent that I can remember, was because my owner at the time, wouldnt address the feelings of me feeling neglected. I went to him, I told him, I feel neglected, like a glorified servant, you go to work, then spend the entire night out with your friends, I never see you, I go to bed alone I wake up alone, this isnt working for me. He told me It wasnt my place to bring up these feelings. He was the dom he was allowed to do as he pleased, after a couple of weeks later. I didnt feel the want to do the chores, the need to please him I didnt respect him. So, I simply didnt do them. He then punished me, asking with out asking why. It destroyed an already broken relationship because it finally pushed in my head he didnt give a flying fuck about me, my feelings, or my needs. Only His needs being met. He didnt want a submissive who needed care, he wanted a submissive who would do as asked with out asking for anything in return.

_____________________________

" I have nothing left to give, I have found the perfect end, You remain to make it hurt, disappear in to the dirt, carry me to heavens arms.....Dear Agony Just let go of me, suffer slowly, is this the way its gotta be, Dear Agony...."

(in reply to CallaFirestormBW)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Lazy sub--does it matter? - 9/8/2008 5:36:03 PM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline 		I can tell you what not to do: any of his chores.

You can also not give him certain things such as if you are the working one, I assume you are the one making the money, don't give him any beyond what you two need to do necessary things like food, pay bills. Do not pay for any online games he has or buy him new ones. Yours isn't a vanilla relationship so I also see nothing wrong with you locking up the computer during the times you are at work. If he needs help he has the phone afterall so you aren't cutting him off of all contact with the world, only those parts he is using as a "reason" to not uphold his end of the bargain.

Make sure there are consequences for when he doesn't hold up his end of the bargain. Positive feedback is only good if there is something positive to give feedback about. If he's not holding up his end of things, what can you positive about that?

It might also be time for professional therapy.

You may need to redo your bargain but do not give more than you feel you are honestly getting back from him or the frustrations will just increase and increase. If may be time for him to get a job if he can't or won't take care of the house. Then you could use that money to hire a weekly maid and get take out.

The point is that you are feeling like you are giving everything and my dear that means you are not being the dominant in this dynamic. You can either give up on the Ds, renegotiate it in another way you both can uphold, or split. I really do not see other options here for you.



_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to zavalfuin)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Lazy sub--does it matter? - 9/8/2008 6:07:26 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		Have him read this thread and let him know how lucky he is to have you and a roof over his head and the next time he wants to play kinky... no matter how much you want to... well you know the rest.

(in reply to thetammyjo)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Lazy sub--does it matter? - 9/8/2008 6:14:10 PM   
Pyrrsefanie


Posts: 1222
Joined: 9/18/2007
From: NEW HAMPSHAAAAAAH!
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: zavalfuin

I come to a Sunday--exhausted and working too hard at my real life (50+ hours/week) to encounter: a house in complete disarray and a sub (my partner) playing his usual online games. I tried to approach it differently--i.e. "let's clean together" and we move forward only to find that at every juncture (and when he can) my sub is online checking up with friends. What I expect to be a day of getting shit done ends up being a day of feeling as if I have to coerce him to do anything and angry arguments at every turn.



I go through the same thing with my boy.  With the help of others here I've been able to attribute it mainly to the fact that he's a twentysomething male and apparently at that age they're still roughly on par with the maturity level of a fifteen-year-old.  Also in our case the main issue is the dreaded WoW.  Trying to march in and force him off of the computer results in an argument which really, in the end, isn't worth it...

So I threatened that if he didn't get his ass out of that chair and start helping me around the house I was going to stop cooking for him.  Then I stopped throwing his clothes into the laundry with mine so that when Monday rolled around he had no clean underwear except for his play panties, which he then had to wear to work.  Best part of which is that he's a courier for a shipping service that shall go unnamed and therefore has to twist and bend a lot during the work day.

He got out of the chair when I asked him to after that.


_____________________________

Ти саркастична, це – доля,
Ти артистична в неволі,
Ти симпатична в цій ролі,
Ти синтетична до болю

Read my series, Taking Jessica, on http://www.akashaweb.com !

(in reply to zavalfuin)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Lazy sub--does it matter? - 9/8/2008 6:47:55 PM   
MmeGigs


Posts: 706
Joined: 1/26/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: zavalfuin
I am wondering whether I have to just throw in the towel and realize that he is not going to ever do such ordinary chores as clean the house, but if that is not the case, then quite frankly, he sits around doing what he likes.

Is this even a "help me deal with my sub" question? Am I only asking the question because we both happen to be kinky so we end up here on collarme? My life was very simple in terms of BDSM before I got into a full time relationship. Not even sure what my question is--but if there's any thoughts or advice around I would appreciate it.


I don't think this is particularly a dom/sub question.  A lot of guys just have no clue what all "housework" actually entails, and many seem to view it as primarily a female responsibility despite the role juxtaposition in an F/m relationship.  To be honest, I've been a little shocked by the number of fellows who claim to want to be slaves or 24/7 subs but can't grok the concept of running a vacuum or emptying a trash can without being told. 

I'm not really on board with the idea of making it fun for him or of trying to dig into his brain to figure out if there's a reason he's acting out.  He's not a child, he's a grown-up.  Unless he's got some debilitating mental or physical issue, there is no reason for this.  If you - the dom - were home all day and he - the sub - was working 50 hours a week, would he be coming home to a mess every night because you've been screwing around on the computer all day?  I'll bet not, and you wouldn't need someone to schmooze you into it or make it fun for you. 

I'm the laziest person on the planet and I have a stressful full-time job, but when it's hubby's busy season and he's working 50+ hour weeks, I take on some of his chores.  To do otherwise would be to show him that I don't care about what's going on with him and don't appreciate what he does for me.  I wouldn't be surprised if you felt a bit like that.


(in reply to zavalfuin)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Lazy sub--does it matter? - 9/8/2008 6:52:42 PM   
JerryFrankster


Posts: 188
Joined: 2/15/2008
Status: offline 		Also, I think a lot of guys have a lower threshold in their personal definition of "clean" than most women.

_____________________________

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(in reply to MmeGigs)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Lazy sub--does it matter? - 9/8/2008 7:37:52 PM   
tsatske


Posts: 2037
Joined: 3/9/2007
From: Louisville, KY
Status: offline 		hopelessfool, all i can say is - amazing. just amazing. defies thought.
On the OP - if you would like to keep him from being overwhelmed, might I sugest flylady.com? great site, and will give clear instructions on how to get started and keep at it and how to get the house clean.
Personally, a whole day is too long for me. I am doing a better job on the house since I started working - I am out of the house for 12 or more hours a day, 5 days a week. I don't cook quite as elaboratly as I did, and we no longer eat together, but I do cook and freeze so all he has to do is pop it in the microwave. But, over all, I am doing a better job at housecleaning now then when I was here all day.
I do agree with doing a lot of talking - find out what is going on with him and what will help. But talking and coddling aren't the same thing - be prepared to set and enforce limits he does not like.
I also agree with the 'why isn't he working?' If it is so he can be a full service, stay at home pet - well, it sounds like he might be about to lose that privledge. Consider telling him if he doesn't want to do certain parts of the housework, that he should feel free to get a job and hire it done. btw, with him not working, how is the money thing working out? is that causing some of the resentment? (not saying that there IS resentment, just asking a question. does he have access to money to do things for the house that he would like done, to feel accomplished in his house management?)
OTOH - is he in contact with other male, full service subs? does he have any social reinforcment from other men who are proud to keep a good house for Mistress, ect?

_____________________________

“If you never did you should. These things are fun and fun is good”
~Dr. Seuss quote

(in reply to JerryFrankster)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Lazy sub--does it matter? - 9/8/2008 7:38:31 PM   
thishereboi


Posts: 14463
Joined: 6/19/2008
Status: offline 		I would not put up with this from a submissive any more than I would if it was my Domme. If you can't find a job and work, then your sure as hell not going to sit on the computer all day and expect me to come home from work and clean. Since your not willing to boot his azz to the curb, then you will just have to learn to deal with it.

_____________________________

"Sweetie, you're wasting your gum" .. Albert


This here is the boi formerly known as orfunboi


(in reply to zavalfuin)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Lazy sub--does it matter? - 9/8/2008 8:09:18 PM   
MissSCD


Posts: 1185
Joined: 3/10/2007
Status: offline 		It is bad to have to work on Sundays.  I have to work them some days.
He is not treating you right.
Sounds like you need to treat him like a child for a while and take away all privileges.
If he  means that much to you, then you need to sit and have a heart to heart talk.
I would write him up and show him his evil ways.  I would put on their what has to be done to fix this, or he can leave.
There are lot of subbies out there who would treat you very nice.  Good luck.

Regards, MissSCD
 
quote:

ORIGINAL: zavalfuin

I come to a Sunday--exhausted and working too hard at my real life (50+ hours/week) to encounter: a house in complete disarray and a sub (my partner) playing his usual online games. I tried to approach it differently--i.e. "let's clean together" and we move forward only to find that at every juncture (and when he can) my sub is online checking up with friends. What I expect to be a day of getting shit done ends up being a day of feeling as if I have to coerce him to do anything and angry arguments at every turn.

Considering that I should be giving the best positive reinforcement possible--I am at a loss. What do I give at this moment? I work--my partner/sub does not. It is his responsibility to keep the house clean, but he is not keeping his end of the bargain. I am not willing to *get rid of him* so what do I do? I am so angry that what would be a *normal vanilla* argument seems to have become our argument.

I am wondering whether I have to just throw in the towel and realize that he is not going to ever do such ordinary chores as clean the house, but if that is not the case, then quite frankly, he sits around doing what he likes.

Is this even a "help me deal with my sub" question? Am I only asking the question because we both happen to be kinky so we end up here on collarme? My life was very simple in terms of BDSM before I got into a full time relationship. Not even sure what my question is--but if there's any thoughts or advice around I would appreciate it.







(in reply to zavalfuin)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Lazy sub--does it matter? - 9/8/2008 8:14:15 PM   
hardbodysub


Posts: 1654
Joined: 8/7/2005
Status: offline 		Ditch the lazy bastard. He cares more about his stupid online buddies than he does you, and you're giving him a free ride.

(in reply to zavalfuin)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Lazy sub--does it matter? - 9/8/2008 8:18:44 PM   
MzMia


Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hardbodysub

Ditch the lazy bastard. He cares more about his stupid online buddies than he does you, and you're giving him a free ride.


I wonder if hell is freezing over, but I agree with you
100%, I thought the OP actually was asking the question
as a joke.

_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain


What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to hardbodysub)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Lazy sub--does it matter? - 9/8/2008 8:28:02 PM   
MzMia


Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lordandmaster

Why aren't you willing to get rid of him?  If he knows that basically you'll keep him no matter what he does, he'll end up doing whatever he wants.  Sounds like he has quite a deal as it is.

It's sad, but since we're no longer in the Middle Ages, the only real trump card you hold over a sub is the power to tell him to get the fuck out of your life.

quote:

ORIGINAL: zavalfuin

What do I give at this moment? I work--my partner/sub does not. It is his responsibility to keep the house clean, but he is not keeping his end of the bargain. I am not willing to *get rid of him* so what do I do?



If I had been working all day and came home to a non working sub that had spent the day fucking around and my house was a mess.........his ass would be out on the curb so fast he'd leave skid marks on it.

Right now, he's getting a free ride and you are his submissive.



I agree with LaT, she is the submissive.
That was the first thought that crossed my mind.
I still can't believe the OP is serious, this has to be a joke or a prank.

_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain


What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Lazy sub--does it matter? - 9/9/2008 4:55:38 AM   
LadyLou


Posts: 110
Joined: 7/10/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: zavalfuin

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply. I think for us the answer lies somewhere amongst all the excellent responses:

1. Establish clear expectations of what needs to be done--on a weekly or even daily basis and consequences for not getting it done
2. Understand that he may not always get it right, but don't allow for slippage into gaming or other computer pastimes whilst work needs to get done (i.e. take the cables away)
3. Do some work together.
3. Give him a deadline for getting his act together or give him the boot.

Cheers all




This is just my personal opinion, but I disagree with the parts I have bolded and underlined.

You work “50+” hours a week, assumedly 6 days a week, whilst he sits around the house all day, 7 days a week…gaming. You really want to be helping out cleaning on your one or two days off? Or in the evening when you get back from a long day at work? You really should not be doing “some” of the chores, he should be doing 99% of them. He is a physical and mental adult, he doesn’t need his hand holding when cleaning up, and he doesn't need a deadline to get it together. Your day off, can be his day off also, if need be. But seriously, how long does it take to clean a house? If the house is in a fairly good state already, it only takes a couple of hours a day to keep on top of everything. That leaves plenty of time, several hours in fact, for gaming, as well as spending his evenings with you.

From the tone of your OP, it insinuates that you do not have a vanilla relationship. But even if this was a vanilla authority structure, there is no equal division of labour here. He has it pretty sweet at the moment; you are the breadwinner, and he is a fully supported man who spends his days gaming and evenings playing kinky games. A few hours out of that day to clean, then back to a leisurely life of gaming and kinky games is still an amazingly sweet deal - there are far more attentive and house broken men who would give there proverbial right arm for such a deal! But in the absence of you really not wanting to get rid of him - he needs to realise just how sweet he has it! Lol. I’m personally not a fan of the ‘let-the-sub-know-just-how-replaceable-he-is’ tactic; it can be incredibly self esteem, as well as soul destroying for a human to be told that. He should be doing these things out of love and respect for you and your authority, but he really does need to be aware of how good he has it.

I like the old adage ‘start as you mean to go on’. But when that doesn’t fit, then I suggest setting those ground rules hard and fast, and continue as you mean to go on. There really are no ‘little steps’ needed... no deadline required, it’s just a couple of hours a day cleaning. By making a swift and hard change, you are showing that you are in control of the situation, and that you take severe and fast action when you have to; you need to show you are capable of that with a sub like he seems to be, if you really are determined to keep him. Right now you are coddling him, and he is taking full advantage of that.







< Message edited by LadyLou -- 9/9/2008 4:58:12 AM >

(in reply to zavalfuin)
Profile   Post #: 40
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