RE: Lazy sub--does it matter?

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RE: Lazy sub--does it matter? - 9/9/2008 5:47:34 AM

MsCfromMelbourne

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quote:

ORIGINAL: hardbodysub

Ditch the lazy bastard. He cares more about his stupid online buddies than he does you, and you're giving him a free ride.

Zavia, my humble opinion and I dont know all the facts, so please forgive me of I am off the mark:

Separation and divorce would be a pretty drastic over-reaction, IMO. "My way or the highway" is a nice fantasy, but it is no way to stay married long term.

I think you are right to keep trying to turn this situation around.

Your sub should want to keep the house clean because he loves you.

It must be humiliating for a young, proud man like him to being completely dependent on you and unable to support you both. The least he can do is make your life easier at home.

I think something worse than mere laziness or freeloading is going on here. This is passive aggressive acting out, isn't it? The power imbalance is chafing at him.* He is lashing out at you by boycotting his cleaning duties. Wandering off to check email is his silent "fuck you".

Perhaps help him see that you are both on the same side. You are not the enemy. You are his partner, not his mother. You are not going to harangue him about cleaning, but his actions are really hurtful. The relationship needs examination. Listen to him and agree an action plan to get the relationship back on track.

If he wants you to take more control, great. But if he wants to be your respected equal, not a wayward houseboy, you might have to put D/s on hold a while.

You are not to blame for his unemployment, but being unemployed can be soul destroying. Maybe help him get work that gives him something more meaningful to do with his life than play computer games. He needs the dignity and self respect that comes with financial independence.

He cannot respect you while he does not respect himself. It is not your fault, but you can help him get his self respect back. Thats what we do for those we love.

* Submission is wonderful when you have power and you willingly hand over (exchange) that power to the one you love. You always have the power to take back your power. Its not so wonderful when you are powerless in the relationship and feel trapped in a situation where you are always the one being dominated with no way out.

< Message edited by MsCfromMelbourne -- 9/9/2008 6:15:11 AM >

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RE: Lazy sub--does it matter? - 9/9/2008 6:05:36 AM

thetammyjo

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Pyrrsefanie

I go through the same thing with my boy. With the help of others here I've been able to attribute it mainly to the fact that he's a twentysomething male and apparently at that age they're still roughly on par with the maturity level of a fifteen-year-old.

I just wanted to point out that age is not a sign of maturity.

I got Fox when he was 19, had only been 19 for a little over a month in fact. He has done all the chores and tasks, trained or untrained, asked or unasked, that I want from a slave in my household. He is now 28 and if anything he's become more helpful over time even though he's become more busy too with work.

I think what is at the core here is a mistmatch of values placed on household work by individuals in dynamics. You can overcome these sorts of mismatches if each person is willing to do part of the work and figure out works best for each person to do.

My husband, who turns 40 today, is far less willing to do his share of household work without constant supervisor... no, he's not a sub, he's a fetishist if anything.

Age honestly isn't the issue. I think it how one is raised. For Fox, it was expected right from the time he could that he'd help with both indoor and outdoor chores and his parents taught him how. For the husband, his father was a single parent by the time he was 6 so my father-in-law hired a maid who visited a few times a year and lawn care help until Tom was a teen. The result is that Tom hates don't yard work and frankly doesn't understand why household chores need to be done on a basic level.

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Post #: 42

RE: Lazy sub--does it matter? - 9/9/2008 6:09:08 AM

thetammyjo

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MmeGigs

I don't think this is particularly a dom/sub question. A lot of guys just have no clue what all "housework" actually entails, and many seem to view it as primarily a female responsibility despite the role juxtaposition in an F/m relationship. To be honest, I've been a little shocked by the number of fellows who claim to want to be slaves or 24/7 subs but can't grok the concept of running a vacuum or emptying a trash can without being told.

Try not to be too shocked. It's a logical outcome if they were not raised to do chores or taught how to do them or given them regularly to do. Or worse yet, only given them during their teen years where we seem inclined to react hostilely to any new chore -- or at least that what I noticed of my peers, nieces, and nephews.

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RE: Lazy sub--does it matter? - 9/9/2008 8:42:11 AM

Pyrrsefanie

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quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo

I just wanted to point out that age is not a sign of maturity.

I was speaking in generalizations.

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Post #: 44