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ok...newbie questions I guess. - 6/10/2009 2:19:44 AM   
lmmant


Posts: 3
Joined: 6/10/2009
Status: offline 		Forgive me if this is stupid, weird, nonsensical, or if another thread about this has already been made, or whatever.

I am interested in the BDSM lifestyle.  However, maybe I'm confused as to what that is?  I don't want to be in a relationship where the man controls my every move, wants me to call him master, have him call me crude names or make me punish myself or anything like that in life in general.  But from pretty much all of the posts I see that's what all the relationships are like.  I am interested, however, in domination in the bedroom and S & M (me being the sub).  So, I guess just BDSM occasionally in the bedroom or in privacy.  I don't think anything is wrong with that...it just isn't for me.  so in that case, is this site the wrong place for me?  And either way would that be considered role play as opposed to BDSM?

Also, how common is it for S & M (or whatever) encounters to lack intercourse at least for a while inside of a relationship?  I dont mean really nonsexual...just more dominance and stuff without actual sex...if that makes sense.

Ok, thank you and sorry to be an annoying newbie.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: ok...newbie questions I guess. - 6/10/2009 2:28:57 AM   
SaintSavant


Posts: 30
Joined: 4/25/2009
Status: offline 		Welcome, Immant

That isn't annoying at all. In fact they are very good questions, albeit with complex answers. The shortest answer about what acts you want to perform, what to call and be called, and what level the BDSM relationship is at generally is your choice.

Before entering any BD relationship, you both have to set your limits and clearly express them. Just because one party is the sub doesn't give the other carte blanche to do whatever the hell they like. There are plenty of guides and checklists on the net, and some good books, that explain all this in detail, but essentially it is about clearly setting boundaries at the start.

As you mixing sex and BDSM, there are people for whom sex is an essential part of kink and other for whom it is completely separate.

Again, it comes down to defining kink for yourself and finding a way that is right for you.

And enjoy the journey.

(in reply to lmmant)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: ok...newbie questions I guess. - 6/10/2009 4:40:01 AM   
ZenDragoness


Posts: 372
Joined: 1/21/2006
From: Berlin/Germany
Status: offline 		Immant,

that is a good question and welcome.

There are a lot of people who live their S/M 24 hours a day and 7 days a week. Staying always in their dynamic and being happy with that.

And there are also a lot of people who want to have relationship were both are equals and the S/M is only happeing in the bedroom (or which room you choose).

And there is a lot inbetween of structures.

Sometime the first both camps fight against each other, so when you encounter people saying: You are only a bedroom kinkster and not as real a BDSMler as me: Ignore them.Do not discuss it. Members of the real and true order of S/M are discussion challenged.

Search for the the amount of S/M that is making you happy and a partner who is interested in the same amount.

Concerning the sex, if you and your partner want to first engage in S/M and later on in intercourse it would be your choice. Like SaintSavant wrote, some people never mix sex and S/M, some do it all the time.

ZD

_____________________________

aka Morgaine289

http://goldenerkern.blogspot.com/

(in reply to lmmant)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: ok...newbie questions I guess. - 6/10/2009 5:02:51 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		I don't call him Sir, Master Uberdomlord of the universe. Mainly I call him honey or sweetheart. Neither am I getting beaten every time I forget to put the sugar in his tea. We don't have a punishment dynamic.

He has proved his right to be the leader in the relationship. Which means that over time he demonstrated that he's better than me at thinking six steps ahead to foresee the results of decisions. So he sees possible downsides of choices and then chooses something else, or solves the possible bad side effects. He's a lot better at chess too.

But starting with a bedroom submission is smart in my book. Nobody in their right mind will sign over their house and give control of their kids to someone they aren't absolutely sure won't misuse it. And the only way you can be absolutely sure is through a shared history where you see him making decisions that are right for both of you. Which can be as simple as him coming home horny, you being stressed out, and ordering you to take a nap while he cooks dinner. And then getting what he wants once he's taken the time to make sure you are up to it.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to ZenDragoness)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: ok...newbie questions I guess. - 6/10/2009 6:10:20 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		If I read this right, you want a relationship beginning with nonsexual spanking, bondage, flogging, and nipple clamping, moving into sex perhaps at a later date.

First, I strongly advise against bondage until you've played with someone and found him safe.  I know someone who was violated when she was tied up by someone she didn't know well enough.

Check to see if there are groups in your area where you could observe nonsexual play in a semipublic setting.  Should you decide to play with someone, there are dungeon masters there who ensure safety.




_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: ok...newbie questions I guess. - 6/10/2009 7:38:13 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14443
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		Well lets start with: BDSM = bondage/discipline/Sado-Masochism. D/s = Dominance and submission.

I know people that practice BDSM and don't engage in D/s. I know people that practise D/s that don't engage in BDSM.

quote:

ORIGINAL: lmmant
I don't want to be in a relationship where the man controls my every move, wants me to call him master, have him call me crude names or make me punish myself or anything like that in life in general.  But from pretty much all of the posts I see that's what all the relationships are like. 


Our relationship is not like that at all. I operate pretty atonomously. My role in his life is to make it easier. Controlling my every move would just be exhausting. I know what he finds acceptable and doesn't find acceptable. I operate within those guidelines. Any large decisions, we discuss and then the final decision is his.

He doesn't call me crude names. He calls me baby, sweetheart and love. He doesn't punish me and doesn't expect me to punish myself. He merely tells me when he's disappointed or upset, which is far worse than anything else he could do.

I rarely call him Master. When I do, it's usually because I feel a social situation requires it. I usually call him Daddy, honey or by by his name. He is loving, caring and attentive. He's cuddly and protective. He's an alpha male. He's also absolutely a hard core sadist.

So, your assumptions of what ALL relationships are like are wrong. There are as many different combinations of what we do as there are people in the life. What you're looking for exists. You just need to be clear when you're communicating with others about what you want.

I would suggest that you do more research. I highly recommend the book "The Loving Dominant". I'll also add that a large chunk of people on the personals side of CM have no real life experience. You'll find that what they describe as their idea of what their relationship will be isn't feasible in real life.

< Message edited by OsideGirl -- 6/10/2009 7:39:26 AM >

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: ok...newbie questions I guess. - 6/10/2009 11:20:33 AM   
Asherdelampyr


Posts: 9556
Joined: 11/14/2006
From: The Desert
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

I don't call him Sir, Master Uberdomlord of the universe.


I want to be called Uberdomlord of the universe, just once :P

_____________________________

Pirate King,

The nicest man you'll ever bleed for

Posting Help

Vitam Piratae Eligo

The Rainmaker

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: ok...newbie questions I guess. - 6/10/2009 11:48:35 AM   
PyrotheClown


Posts: 1950
Joined: 5/18/2009
Status: offline 		It's a big world out there, and while there are a general list of common sense guide lines that keep most people out of trouble, there are no real rules.. It all depends on you and your partner(s).

If you only want to be dominated in the bedroom, make sure your "dom" knows and understands that..

you want to be dominated with out sexual contact first, make sure your "dom" knows and understands that...

You want to make smores with a map gas torch taped between your breasts, make sure your "dom" knows and understands that....

(in reply to Asherdelampyr)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: ok...newbie questions I guess. - 6/10/2009 12:17:15 PM   
MarcEsadrian


Posts: 852
Joined: 8/24/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lmmant

Forgive me if this is stupid, weird, nonsensical, or if another thread about this has already been made, or whatever.

I am interested in the BDSM lifestyle.  However, maybe I'm confused as to what that is?  I don't want to be in a relationship where the man controls my every move, wants me to call him master, have him call me crude names or make me punish myself or anything like that in life in general.  But from pretty much all of the posts I see that's what all the relationships are like. 



I'm not certain how you could have gleaned such a thing from the messages on these boards. The relationships spoken of here run the entire gamut: from sensual dominance and submission between romantics to harder Keeper and slave relationships. While admitting gradations in between those two poles do hold plenty of players, I ask if it's possible you are projecting the crude stereotypes found in popular culture on to the regular responders here? Most people articulate diversity of relationship styles quite well here, and their writings in aggregate more than adequately dispel most, if not all, of the assumptions regarding "the lifestyle". If you have been lead to believe it's all just about instant badges, quick sex and "dirty talk" in latex, I'd invite you to spend some more time on these boards to learn otherwise.

No matter where your interests take you, I will warn it is vital you are honest about your motives with those you encounter. Most wasted time in "the lifestyle" starts at that critical juncture.

(in reply to lmmant)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: ok...newbie questions I guess. - 6/11/2009 3:56:59 AM   
GabrielleSlave


Posts: 616
Joined: 9/20/2007
From: in servitude
Status: offline 		Don't ever worry about asking questions, hey Wwe were all new once (i still consider myself new after two and a half years with Master and running a munch lol!)

The best advice i can give you, is be yourself and be honest about what you are looking for.  Don't try to be someone you think you should be just because you are told you should be (does that make sense lol?) the only time you will be happy with someone (in this or vanilla life) is when you are being yourself.

One final thought.  This site is for everyone interested in BDSM, no matter in which way.  Yes there are timewasters here, there are on any special interest website, but i hope they will not put you off and that you have a wonderful time here and make lots of new friends.

hugs

gabrielle x

_____________________________

Slave to Master Slayer

~ Host of the Rather Marvelous Greenwich Munch ~

"There is no such thing as liberty. You only change one sort of domination for another. All we can do is to choose our master."
D. H. Lawrence

(in reply to MarcEsadrian)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: ok...newbie questions I guess. - 6/11/2009 4:39:58 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline 		You're the Uberdomlord of the universe.

There ya go :)

I live to serve

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to Asherdelampyr)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: ok...newbie questions I guess. - 6/11/2009 4:45:19 AM   
JohnWarren


Posts: 3807
Joined: 3/18/2005
From: Delray Beach, FL
Status: offline 		One of the great things about these relationships can be one of the most frustrating things.  There are few rules beyond that you both consent to what you do.  This means you can tailor the relationship any way that you wish.  The trick is simply to find someone whose interests are complementary to your own.  That can take a lot of search and communicating, but once you succeed it's great/

_____________________________

www.lovingdominant.org

(in reply to lmmant)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: ok...newbie questions I guess. - 6/11/2009 4:52:09 AM   
GYPZYQUEEN


Posts: 730
Joined: 4/14/2009
Status: offline 		YOUR BDSM relationship can be any way you and your partner decide..
IF you already know someone then you discuss together..if not then you decide WHAT your desires are..your limits...what you wish to explore and HOW
 then seek a compatible partner..and see how desires and STYLE may combine.
 
IF your idea of how you want it is to start as sessions of LITE occasional SM..then it needs to be clear..
IF your idea is to be  sub but not be humiliated then humliation is a limit
If you WANT NO SEX  sessions..or playtimes then TELL IT

IF you thought SM meant sub-Master..it does not??
M-s  or Ds as in DOM-sub.. is how it can is written


IF you meant(s)sub  (M) Master sub in the bedroom then you may simply mean HE has the dominating role there..???

you will encounter abusers-wanna -bes-gamers on here as any FREE SITE...and MANY GOOD PPL

MANY forums will give you ideas as to who ..what..how..
and use your INTUITION
and remember..because you have indicated  an interest in submission
....does not mean you take shit and act like a doormat
TO ANY ON-LINE MAN who says he is D..
polite =polite

YOUR submission is to someone you will connect with and feel it is right to do so..
TEHRE ARE MANY HELPFUL PPL ON ERE
and YOUR journey is HOW YOU want it to be..you DESIGN and BUILD IT for your desires and needs..
BE HONEST AND UP FRONT ALWAYS...
 
 
GQ

< Message edited by GYPZYQUEEN -- 6/11/2009 4:55:57 AM >

(in reply to GabrielleSlave)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: ok...newbie questions I guess. - 6/11/2009 5:09:17 AM   
MistressSunny


Posts: 29
Joined: 1/3/2009
Status: offline 		As a newbie myself i have found a invaluable tool in gathering information OTHER than these messages.....

Look at peples signatures. Alot of the links that the more respected and "kinky"(according to te scale in the boxes with our names in them) are a wealth of info that will provide you with alot of information and give you somewhere to go with your discovery in this lifestyle

(in reply to GYPZYQUEEN)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: ok...newbie questions I guess. - 6/11/2009 5:27:14 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		Why would your questions be stupid?  What you asked here doesn't even come close to some of the things that rank high on the dumb-o-meter.

No, this isn't the wrong place for you.  If you've got an interest in kink, you'll fit in just fine around here.  The rest of us aren't practicing BDSM all in the same way.  We're all different and tailor our dynamics to what suits us, just like you will.  We all have different ways of doing things.  What works for Me might not work for someone else and vice versa.  There is no one true way.

There's also nothing wrong with not wanting to engage in sex when you are first starting to play with someone.  If you were going out on vanilla dates, you wouldn't assume that everybody who took you to dinner automatically deserved to get laid.  This is the same thing.  If you don't want to include sex in your play dates, say so.  Not all of us have sex with our play partners.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to MistressSunny)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: ok...newbie questions I guess. - 6/11/2009 6:03:44 AM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline
quote:

Forgive me if this is stupid, weird, nonsensical


In my industry, we have an expression: "that's job security". If everybody knew what they were doing, who would need Subject Matter Experts?

But seriously, as others are expressing here, there aren't any rules. We all make this up as we go along, and you can/should simply state what you are looking for, and settle only for that. If you've been communicating with folks who speak of rules, I would generally not pay any attention to anyone who says you should be doing things differently. Standard relationship rules apply in BDSM and alternative stuff as they do everywhere else.

So anything goes, from bedroom kink to a full blown D/s relationship, or beyond, sexual slavery. As to your question about encounters lacking intercourse.. not in my playroom! I do occasionally see profiles of women who just want S&M or BDSM without sex, I am not under the impression they get very far, except online. I believe that is more the "elderly gentleman willing to compromise" type of dynamic.

(in reply to lmmant)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: ok...newbie questions I guess. - 6/11/2009 10:08:07 PM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline 		OK, This is just my opinion (the usual disclaimers apply now, read at own risk, the opinions are those of the writer etc..blahblahblahandmorelegalcrap)
1-The only stupid question is the one you don't ask.
You're new. Your supposed to ask lots of questions. How else are we to learn.
2-Lots and lots of people are going to bounce in with opinions and what they think feel (and in a way I guess I am now). BDSM is about a dynamic that exists between the participating parties. There is no cut and dried right or wrong way. What works for me won't work for others and vice versa. So find that which fulfills you and don't give a damn what anyone else thinks. And yes, what you seek, there are lots of people here who are into bedroom kink but don't want the responsibility that comes with being a Master.

(in reply to antipode)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: ok...newbie questions I guess. - 6/11/2009 11:13:47 PM   
breatheasone


Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline 		Finding out what YOU like is more important than any label. Having said that... people who want to be submissive in the bedroom have been refered to as "bottoms" or "a bottom" and those that want to be the dominant in the bedroom have been referred to as "Tops" or "A Top" If that helps at all .....Every jar has a lid...i firmly believe that....Good luck finding yours.

_____________________________

Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
Mike posts in black font
candy posts in pink font

(in reply to Kana)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: ok...newbie questions I guess. - 6/12/2009 4:35:37 AM   
ranja


Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline 		My two pennies: be true to yourself...read and listen a lot....and i wish you many lovely experiences...
i think it is very common to have encounters without intercourse...there is so much else to do.

(in reply to lmmant)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: ok...newbie questions I guess. - 6/13/2009 3:47:12 AM   
newyorknewbie


Posts: 6
Joined: 5/31/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MarcEsadrian

quote:

ORIGINAL: lmmant

Forgive me if this is stupid, weird, nonsensical, or if another thread about this has already been made, or whatever.

I am interested in the BDSM lifestyle.  However, maybe I'm confused as to what that is?  I don't want to be in a relationship where the man controls my every move, wants me to call him master, have him call me crude names or make me punish myself or anything like that in life in general.  But from pretty much all of the posts I see that's what all the relationships are like. 



I'm not certain how you could have gleaned such a thing from the messages on these boards. The relationships spoken of here run the entire gamut: from sensual dominance and submission between romantics to harder Keeper and slave relationships. While admitting gradations in between those two poles do hold plenty of players, I ask if it's possible you are projecting the crude stereotypes found in popular culture on to the regular responders here? Most people articulate diversity of relationship styles quite well here, and their writings in aggregate more than adequately dispel most, if not all, of the assumptions regarding "the lifestyle". If you have been lead to believe it's all just about instant badges, quick sex and "dirty talk" in latex, I'd invite you to spend some more time on these boards to learn otherwise.

No matter where your interests take you, I will warn it is vital you are honest about your motives with those you encounter. Most wasted time in "the lifestyle" starts at that critical juncture.


You must be joking. She is absolutely correct in her observations about this site. It is even evident in the email contact that I have had with members. They insult me and tell me to call them sir or master.

(in reply to MarcEsadrian)
Profile   Post #: 20
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