Your new, now what? ~ a public service post ~

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Your new, now what? ~ a public service post ~ - 2/15/2006 7:13:43 PM

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If you could tell a new submissive one thing, no matter how mundane that might save them from a mistake or heartache, what would that be?

_____________________________

The problem with communication ... is the illusion that it has been accomplished. ~George Bernard Shaw

RE: Your new, now what? ~ a public service post ~ - 2/15/2006 7:16:55 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Quivver

If you could tell a new submissive one thing, no matter how mundane that might save them from a mistake or heartache, what would that be?

To learn as much as they can first, to talk to as many people as they can first, and to listen to what EVERYONE has to say, no matter what it may be

all before getting into any kind of relationship at all.

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

(in reply to Quivver)

RE: Your new, now what? ~ a public service post ~ - 2/15/2006 7:37:38 PM

Posts: 219
Joined: 1/22/2006
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If you met them online, and you are meeting face to face for the first time, make sure it's in a public place and someone knows where you are and who you are with.

Also have a back out plan if the person gives you the heeby geebies.

Both these go for vanilla too...

< Message edited by MyCaptainsPet -- 2/15/2006 7:42:37 PM >

(in reply to Quivver)

RE: Your new, now what? ~ a public service post ~ - 2/15/2006 7:38:06 PM

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

Take your time and find someone who is genuine and truthful at every turn in his life.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to IrishMist)

RE: Your new, now what? ~ a public service post ~ - 2/15/2006 7:50:06 PM

champagnewishes

Posts: 1310
Joined: 10/31/2005
From: Orange County
Status: offline

Communicate...about everything every step of the way.
Tread Slowly...don't be overly anxious.
Learn...like IrishMist said.
Reality check...see things for what they really are.
Instinct...trust your gut feelings.

So there are 5 for the price of 1....

_____________________________

Nirvana cannot be described, it is only understood truly by a person who has experienced it.

(in reply to Quivver)

RE: Your new, now what? ~ a public service post ~ - 2/15/2006 8:20:35 PM

Posts: 1467
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I've never in My life had a single regret that I couldn't look back on later and tell Myself:

"Yanno, I should have paid attention to all those 'little red flags'..."

We all see them. We all feel them. Those little red flags that pop up in our heads the instant something doesn't feel 'just right'.

It doesn't have to be a huge, major topic or limit involved, either. Red flags usually start over small, seemingly inconsequential things. Which is why we ignore them.

For instance: "The first time he didn't give me his home number, I should have known he had a (girlfriend/wife/significant other) at home." or: "The first time he kept telling me how good looking the waitress with the 44D's was, I should have known he was just a tit man who'd leave me for the first bigger bra size that happened along..." or "The first time I told him how much I enjoyed spending time with him, and he just laughed, I should have..."

Those little instances we have all talked ourselves out of at some point in our lives!

For instance: "well, I believed him when he said he was separated and didn't have a home phone yet...", or: "well, all guys are tit men at heart, he didn't mean to hurt my feelings at dinner...", or: "when he laughed I think he must have been thinking how much he enjoyed my company, too..."

We rationalize little red flags.

Then when we end up crushed, we look back and kick ourselves for not paying attention to them when they bothered us to begin with.

I was one of those people who had to train Herself to ALWAYS pay attention to little red flags. I've gotten to a place in My life where I pay attention and make judgment calls ANY time I see a little red flag.

My advice would be:

Don't ignore a single 'little red flag' ....!

Texas Maam

(in reply to Quivver)

RE: Your new, now what? ~ a public service post ~ - 2/15/2006 8:33:57 PM

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I'm really not gonna post all these links twice in one day. But the question has been asked by many others and answered in many other ways before, please feel free to add this to your resource list.

Tons o Threads on "Advice for Newbies"

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Quivver)

RE: Your new, now what? ~ a public service post ~ - 2/16/2006 3:28:54 AM

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Joined: 11/27/2004
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Ya know Lucky, questions come in a lot of different tones and a word can change the whole meaning. EVERY thread here has information someone can find to their use. Yea, I knew long before I posted this that there has been threads just like this since the beginning of time. Yet everyday someone new show's up here asking the same questions, and you answer them often repeating something you've said before. I'm sorry if this topic is boring to some, but if answers come in clearly, one at a time it might help someone new this time........
Q

< Message edited by Quivver -- 2/16/2006 3:30:02 AM >

_____________________________

The problem with communication ... is the illusion that it has been accomplished. ~George Bernard Shaw

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

RE: Your new, now what? ~ a public service post ~ - 2/16/2006 3:41:59 AM

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I've learned that the fine art of clear communication is my goal when meeting another. Ask questions, expect answers. Something's you fail to ask wether you think it's a non issue or worse yet the things you don't even consider, will bite you firmly in the Ass.

_____________________________

The problem with communication ... is the illusion that it has been accomplished. ~George Bernard Shaw

(in reply to Quivver)

RE: Your new, now what? ~ a public service post ~ - 2/16/2006 3:45:54 AM

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Joined: 1/23/2006
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There are a number of things but if it has to be just one thing...

Just because you lable yourself sub and the other lables themself Dom does not give them any right to expect anything more than basic politeness. You haven't submitted anything at the start and if the other person wades in acting like they already own you.... back them off. Submit to someone you know and trust enough to be comfortable doing so with and not before.

That counts as just one thing doesn't it?

(in reply to Quivver)

RE: Your new, now what? ~ a public service post ~ - 2/16/2006 4:53:26 AM

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From: Pennsylvania
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quote:

I've learned that the fine art of clear communication is my goal

That is always my goal too and I take pains to make sure I am understood. That way when the chips fall ugly, as they sometimes do, I always know that I did my part to maintain and expect communication and honesty.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to RavenMuse)

RE: Your new, now what? ~ a public service post ~ - 2/16/2006 5:12:12 AM

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This piece of advice is for those who are looking and already in a relationship:
communicate, communicate, COMMUNICATE

(in reply to KatyLied)

RE: Your new, now what? ~ a public service post ~ - 2/16/2006 6:07:10 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Quivver
Ya know Lucky, questions come in a lot of different tones and a word can change the whole meaning. EVERY thread here has information someone can find to their use. Yea, I knew long before I posted this that there has been threads just like this since the beginning of time.

Yes there has. It just so happens that this exact same question was already asked THAT SAME DAY and I spent a significant amount of time researching and linking all of them to provide a resource to people beyond what perhaps 2 dozen people might give an answer to, into over a dozen threads.

I really didn't feel up to doing it all over again. We've got that patience thread going- I am impatient with answering the same question right after I've already answered it. I didn't tell people they shouldn't post their answers here, I just pointed out that I wasn't going to repost ALL the links again, but that there WAS an available listing of links if they wanted. There's a reason the mods don't let people post the same questions in every single forum.

quote:

Yet everyday someone new show's up here asking the same questions, and you answer them often repeating something you've said before.

Because my answer hasn't changed. If they ask the same question, and my perspective hasn't changed, why would I give a different answer? And if you look at all the threads, most people's answers don't change much either. And if you look at ALL the threads, you will see that almost all the answers are about the same with about 5 variations, especially a thread like this one.

When someone asks a new question, or a twist on a new question, or an old question that hasn't been brought up in quite awhile, I put my two cents in. How many posts do I make daily? How many of those are actual direct responses within the post and how many are links? I think you'll find that my personalized responses actually FAR outweigh the link lists.

I know some people actually find it annoying to have all the links there, I know some people think I'm dismissing the topic overall. But if a person asks a question- would they prefer to have perhaps a dozen answers based on whoever happens to sign on within those 24 hours or so? Or would they prefer a dozen threads each with a dozen or more responses to the same question collected over a few years?

I'm no one special just because I know how to do a search and put the time and energy into linking things up. It's my way of reposting my prior thoughts and having a resource for myself and others. But don't get huffy just because you don't like my posting styles.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Quivver)

RE: Your new, now what? ~ a public service post ~ - 2/16/2006 7:26:15 AM

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i would say just go slow and be careful.

Matt's littleone

(in reply to Quivver)

RE: Your new, now what? ~ a public service post ~ - 2/16/2006 7:46:31 AM

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

If you could tell a new submissive one thing, no matter how mundane that might save them from a mistake or heartache, what would that be?

never expect the experiences on YOUR path or the feelings you have to be the same as anothers.

(in reply to Quivver)

RE: Your new, now what? ~ a public service post ~ - 2/16/2006 8:16:13 AM

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Joined: 10/4/2005
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There's a lot i could say here..
but in particular in regards to meeting a new Dom...
A good Dom will do his best to make you feel SAFE.
He will not make tell you you're a fake for waning to meet the first time in a public plce.
He will not only not get upset that you put a safe call in place for not only that first meeting, but that first private session together, he will encourage you to have a safe call... and he will leave the room while you place that call so that you can comfortably say anything to the person who is your safe call.

Anyone who takes issues with these things is someone to avoid.

(in reply to Quivver)

RE: Your new, now what? ~ a public service post ~ - 2/16/2006 8:39:24 AM

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Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: cravinspankin

There's a lot i could say here..
but in particular in regards to meeting a new Dom...
A good Dom will do his best to make you feel SAFE.
He will not make tell you you're a fake for waning to meet the first time in a public plce.
He will not only not get upset that you put a safe call in place for not only that first meeting, but that first private session together, he will encourage you to have a safe call... and he will leave the room while you place that call so that you can comfortably say anything to the person who is your safe call.

Anyone who takes issues with these things is someone to avoid.

Then I am someone to avoid.

Granted I won't make someone feel BAD if they want those things, but I don't encourage them and really won't meet someone if they insist on it. Either they trust me or not.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to cravinspankin)

RE: Your new, now what? ~ a public service post ~ - 2/16/2006 9:00:22 AM

Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline

quote:

If you could tell a new submissive one thing, no matter how mundane that might save them from a mistake or heartache, what would that be?

Stay vanilla and move to a deserted island so your heart will never get broken and you won't make any mistakes. Of course, you'll never learn anything either and you'll pass up on all the wonders and joys that can come from risk taking, but if you want to spare yourself, like I said, deserted island.

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

(in reply to Quivver)

RE: Your new, now what? ~ a public service post ~ - 2/16/2006 10:08:37 AM

ProtagonistLily

Posts: 1222
Joined: 12/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

If you could tell a new submissive one thing, no matter how mundane that might save them from a mistake or heartache, what would that be?

Don't settle for a Dom/me/Top just to have a Dom/me/Top. Don't believe in the fantasy that you have to be subordinate to everyone. Don't be afraid to go to parties and eat the cheese ball and watch your friends while you are waiting for the right Dom/me/Top. Don't be afraid to play with people you trust while you are waiting for the right Dom/me/Top to come along as long as everyone's clear on what the perameters of the relationship are.

And for God's sake, don't let other people's assumptions about your play relationships bother you in the least. People like to spread lots of tripe and gossip here just like they do everywhere else.

Kassie

_____________________________

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"
~Dr. Seuss~

(in reply to Quivver)

RE: Your new, now what? ~ a public service post ~ - 2/16/2006 11:39:54 AM

Posts: 617
Joined: 8/2/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

ORIGINAL: cravinspankin

There's a lot i could say here..
but in particular in regards to meeting a new Dom...
A good Dom will do his best to make you feel SAFE.
He will not make tell you you're a fake for waning to meet the first time in a public plce.
He will not only not get upset that you put a safe call in place for not only that first meeting, but that first private session together, he will encourage you to have a safe call... and he will leave the room while you place that call so that you can comfortably say anything to the person who is your safe call.

Anyone who takes issues with these things is someone to avoid.

Then I am someone to avoid.

Granted I won't make someone feel BAD if they want those things, but I don't encourage them and really won't meet someone if they insist on it. Either they trust me or not.

Ditto...

We feel that by the first F2F meeting you will trust us.. or that meeting will not even happen.

Sorry, just our views.

Dragon and Phoenix

_____________________________

**Pain is just pleasure with a twist**

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

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