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A sub books his flight without asking about it first - 10/11/2009 10:21:47 AM

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Would you think it weird or inappropriate if you were chatting online and on the phone with a potential sub and he booked a flight to come to your town before checking with you? Is that just being proactive, or is it being presumptuous? Assume things were going good in the conversations, it had been a few weeks and there were discussions about a potential meeting at some point, but nothing was set in stone yet. Also assume he booked the flight for seven days later, not a few months or something, with no place to stay or plans, so it's clearly to visit the femdom, not some other business or social thing that just happened to be in her neck of the woods.

Akasha

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RE: A sub books his flight without asking about it first - 10/11/2009 10:27:18 AM

MistressEllen444

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So he has taken control not only of the pace of the connection but also your body and time should you choose to meet him?

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RE: A sub books his flight without asking about it first - 10/11/2009 10:31:20 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressEllen444

So he has taken control not only of the pace of the connection but also your body and time should you choose to meet him?

Yeah it is of my opinion the sub in question should be dropped immediately but some people have suggested to me that it's not fair to encourage a sub to not be passive and then when he shows initiative call him a bad egg.

Akasha

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RE: A sub books his flight without asking about it first - 10/11/2009 10:39:41 AM

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If it happened to be for him to see an old friend who happened to be in the area, or a business trip, nothing wrong with it at all.

If it was with the express purpose of visiting you and you hadn't even told him you'd be in town then, I would call it both presumptuous and stupid. And if he just invited himself to stay with you for a week...

We're all adults here, with full, busy lives. It would be unthinkable for a vanilla to expect an acquaintance to drop everything for a full week with no notice or discussion beforehand. For a sub to demand that of a D type...

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RE: A sub books his flight without asking about it first - 10/11/2009 10:42:13 AM

MistressEllen444

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Once again, have to agree with DarkSteven.

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RE: A sub books his flight without asking about it first - 10/11/2009 10:44:01 AM

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my opinion? PRESUMPTUOUS with a capital P

obviously a specialist in 'Topping from below' as he imprints HIS desires onto m'Lady's desires, or tries to...

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: A sub books his flight without asking about it first - 10/11/2009 11:57:28 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

... some people have suggested to me that it's not fair to encourage a sub to not be passive and then when he shows initiative call him a bad egg.

Being presumptuous of time and attention is *not* showing initiative.

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RE: A sub books his flight without asking about it first - 10/11/2009 11:57:31 AM

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From: Pyroaquatica
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I have a few impressions upon description of the situation.

He wants to be in your close proximity. He may be thinking with the wrong head.

He has no plans in his own sphere, but has enough money to drop some on a ticket.

So he is closing the distance closely, could possibly stay in a hotel....

sounds like he needs some more rules.

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RE: A sub books his flight without asking about it first - 10/11/2009 12:30:51 PM

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Great opportunity for discussion between the Domme and the submissive, I say!

Yes, it could certainly be taken as presumptuous, or as pyro says, he has the time and $ and is closing the distance to *create potential.* Don't assume. He could be over-eager, he could be proactive, he could be Topping from the Bottom. I'd like to know more about his intent.

Ask him about his plans...where he was going to stay, what he planned on doing while he was in town, etc. I wouldn't assume we were getting together, and I would make that VERY obvious from my responses. I might even tell him about some of the other plans already on my calendar.

If he exhibits *expectation* behavior, I'd nail that as Topping from the Bottom and take appropriate action immediately.

I'm interested in reading others' responses.

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RE: A sub books his flight without asking about it first - 10/11/2009 12:37:31 PM

subtlebutterfly

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

Would you think it weird or inappropriate if you were chatting online and on the phone with a potential sub and he booked a flight to come to your town before checking with you? Is that just being proactive, or is it being presumptuous? Assume things were going good in the conversations, it had been a few weeks and there were discussions about a potential meeting at some point, but nothing was set in stone yet. Also assume he booked the flight for seven days later, not a few months or something, with no place to stay or plans, so it's clearly to visit the femdom, not some other business or social thing that just happened to be in her neck of the woods.

Akasha

A typical dumbass is all I have to say...even if it was completely vanilla then yup I'd stop talkin to that person. To me he comes across as a stalker..

< Message edited by subtlebutterfly -- 10/11/2009 12:39:21 PM >

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RE: A sub books his flight without asking about it first - 10/11/2009 12:44:38 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressEllen444

So he has taken control not only of the pace of the connection but also your body and time should you choose to meet him?

Yeah it is of my opinion the sub in question should be dropped immediately but some people have suggested to me that it's not fair to encourage a sub to not be passive and then when he shows initiative call him a bad egg.

Akasha

Works for me, tell him to call you when he gets in town and settled in, wherever he is staying, and you will work out a time for you to pop by his hotel, and him to take you to dinner and have a chat.

You are not beholden, but perhaps he is enamoured. Might have something top drawer going on there, or might have a whacked out fuckstick, but c'mon, under the circumstances, it is worth going to have a look see.......watch your back, clean and wear your jade jewelery..................all of it.........LOL.

Ron(ne)

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RE: A sub books his flight without asking about it first - 10/11/2009 1:41:51 PM

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Whether or not to drop the man should be based completely on your own instinct and gut feeling--it can't be decided by committee. You're the one who has talked to the man, you know what signals were being sent in both directions, and more importantly, you know how this manuver makes you feel. If it's not a pleasant feeling--if he hasn't given you an unexpected but pleasurable surprise by showing this "initiative"--then yes, you have a problem.

I have had a man show up at my door unexpectedly after crossing a continent on a couple of occasions. Once it was a wonderful surprise, and a real blessing, because I was all alone and battling the tide while caring for a badly injured elderly woman and trying to maintain a schedule of classes and work at the same time. The man in question came to cook a few non-burned meals, mop the floors, bathe the poor neglected little dogs, buy the convalesent patient a nice new television and DVD player so that she would have movies to entertain her while stuck in bed for another month, and replaced some important work equipment for me. He was, in short, a knight in shining armor and rescued me quite thoroughly.

The other time it was absolutely creepy and terrifying, and the guy in question turned out to be a paranoid schizophrenic. The less said about it, the better.

In neither case did the man announce in advance that he was coming. One man was let in the door, the other was not--based completely on what I wanted and felt. My gut reaction ruled the day. In neither case did I take into account what the man might have spent or gone through to get to me; that was not relevant, because I am not responsible for decisions that are made without consulting me.

This man might get a refund for his ticket if you say the word immediately. If you honestly do not feel good about meeting him after he has pushed it like this, I would tell him so in no uncertain terms and do it now, before he can accumulate any more guilt/manipulation points. You cannot prevent him from traveling to your city of his own accord, but you have zero obligation to meet with him in person.

"Showing initiative" in most cases means that a man comes up with an idea that seems good to him and then ASKS me for my feedback or approval. I.e., "I really want to meet you someday, and I will make the time to come visit your city whenever you would like. I have set aside the money for my plane fare in a special savings account so that it is always there, if I am ever welcome." Not "Hey, I've got a plane ticket, I'll be arriving next week. Where's your husband gonna sleep?"

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RE: A sub books his flight without asking about it first - 10/11/2009 2:03:37 PM

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I have some pretty serious expectations or rules about how things go and although I may speed things up for someone who has impressed me, I still let it be known that I call the shots on the timing of when things are done. I make this very clear to people right from the start. So I would see this as some sort of offense and think it could be called many things or could be motivated by good or bad things, but because of my stance on calling the shots... it would be a bad thing.

I wouldn't care after that point what his reasons or motivation were. He just sealed the deal and actually would never have a chance to meet me. I would let him know that if I did see him anywhere near me during his visit, that I would take that more as a stalker type situation and would protect myself and all that is mine without any other indication of anything. He crossed a very serious line.

In most situations, if they make me question their motivations, it is too easy and I am really willing to simply take the question out of it and walk on down the line. Going against my rules from the start...no thanks. Some things I am willing to question... something like that... no way, no how, not in this lifetime. He isn't the only submissive male around and isn't my last chance at having one. lol

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RE: A sub books his flight without asking about it first - 10/11/2009 2:35:34 PM

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Please add yet another vote to the "presumptuous as hell" column. Despite my submissive nature, I'd feel incensed if someone I'd never met suddenly booked a flight to come visit me. The consequences of his presumptuous behaviour, as others have said, should be completely up to you.

(in reply to Lockit)

RE: A sub books his flight without asking about it first - 10/11/2009 2:56:18 PM

dreamerdreaming

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Fastreply:

If it were me, I'd drop him like a hot potato. Without a second thought.

He's got major boundary issues, to say the least.

Continuing on with him would set a bad precedent.

Ew. The whole idea just creeps me out. Its more than just weird or innapropriate.

I'd call it creepy/scary.

Is this your Halloween thread?

Edited to fix the Dan Quayle spelling of "potato".

< Message edited by dreamerdreaming -- 10/11/2009 2:59:36 PM >

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RE: A sub books his flight without asking about it first - 10/11/2009 3:08:20 PM

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First off, I can't imagine ever being that presumptious, but then again, perhaps that's a different circle that I don't exist in. Honestly, it seems that you're pretty much the only one who is going to know if this has gone too far, or if this is right up your alley in what you're seeking. I don't know a single partner I've ever had who would have accepted that kind of behavior from me, but at the same time I've experienced it a lot of times from the opposite side of the aisle (women showing up out of nowhere who I had been speaking to), so who am I to say what is right or wrong in such a circumstance?

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RE: A sub books his flight without asking about it first - 10/11/2009 7:17:59 PM

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Damned if ya do .......damned if ya dont lol

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RE: A sub books his flight without asking about it first - 10/11/2009 7:25:29 PM

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Well, he was very presumptuous and was out of line....If he had any wits about him at all, the least he could do would be to order a Captain Sully, while in the air.
A shot of grey goose, with a splash of water.

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RE: A sub books his flight without asking about it first - 10/11/2009 7:36:35 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

Would you think it weird or inappropriate if you were chatting online and on the phone with a potential sub and he booked a flight to come to your town before checking with you? Is that just being proactive, or is it being presumptuous? Assume things were going good in the conversations, it had been a few weeks and there were discussions about a potential meeting at some point, but nothing was set in stone yet. Also assume he booked the flight for seven days later, not a few months or something, with no place to stay or plans, so it's clearly to visit the femdom, not some other business or social thing that just happened to be in her neck of the woods.

Akasha

Wierd? No.

Innapropriate? Yes.

*pounce* XD

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RE: A sub books his flight without asking about it first - 10/11/2009 11:55:59 PM

ThatDamnedPanda

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Sounds quite rash, to say the least. The absolute best face I can put on it is that he may have wanted to show how bold he is at taking the initiative, but even at that I think it was a major misjudgment and - instead of making him look like the kind of guy who's not afraid to carpe that ol' diem - makes him look like someone with a poor grasp of protocol and common courtesy. Sounds like a possible red flag on some potential serious boundary and communications issues.

For me, what it would come to is, was this part of a pattern or does it seem to be totally out of character? If it seems to fit a general pattern of rash, ill-considered actions, I'd be concerned about letting him get any closer. If it was just way out of character, you could at least have some grounds for giving him a chance to prove he's not a wacko. I can sure see where it throws you for a loop, though. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

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