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RE: 10 Steps For Making A Good First Impression - 11/14/2004 5:00:56 PM

Posts: 176
Joined: 11/6/2004
From: Lake Forest, CA
Status: offline

for one so shy, I wonder how is it you manage to go to a new job or even school? if shyness were a disability, I think many would be on those rolls given how often I hear "I'm shy; I don't like groups..."

yes, it's nice if someone were to take you by the hand and lead you to your "grail", but more often one has to lift one's feet and take that step forward, again & again... till next thing you know, there you are! ::smile::

PLUS if you continually say it, that's all you'll ever see yourself as...

check the various websites for local group listings -- one I particularly like to use is caryl's website at http://www.drkdesyre.com -- and go to a munch! write the event host and introduce yourself, say a bit about being new, and I'm sure they'll work to make you feel welcome and comfortable... ::smile:: been there done that, from both sides!

for that matter, if you know anyone online local to you, offer to meet up with them at that local munch so you'll have someone you know to sit/chat with... but don't forget to write the event host regardless!

if you don't work it, it won't happen... if you still have objections, then it's whining pure & simple and your choice to stay however you are...

(in reply to wiper4arse)

RE: 10 Steps For Making A Good First Impression - 11/14/2004 6:34:21 PM

perverseangelic

Posts: 2625
Joined: 2/2/2004
From: Davis, Ca
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyBadger

for one so shy, I wonder how is it you manage to go to a new job or even school? if shyness were a disability, I think many would be on those rolls given how often I hear "I'm shy; I don't like groups..."

Honestly, for some of us it -is-. I have social anxiety disorder. It is nearly impossible for me to go into new situations face to face.

That said, I -do-. I brave the horridness and put myself in those situations because doing so will get me something I need or I want.

Wiper, I understand what it is to be shy. Believe me, there are times when I'm nearly crippled by it. If service, if being with someone in this way is what you -need- you've got to be willing to deal with the shyness and go out and meet people, in a setting that is condusive to meeting partners open to your desires/needs.

(Disclaimer: I am not active in our local community. This is both my partner's and my decition and is based on our age as well as my difficulty with new situations. But then...I'm not looking for new partners more than half-heartedly, so it isn't critical that I get out there.)

_____________________________

~in the begining it is always dark~

(in reply to LadyBadger)

RE: 10 Steps For Making A Good First Impression - 11/15/2004 2:10:48 AM

Posts: 176
Joined: 11/6/2004
From: Lake Forest, CA
Status: offline

I can well understand YOUR personal situation... still, I'm not going to presume that all the shy boys out there are so afflicted [with SAD]...

however, for MY purposes, being shy may very well be a disqualifier since I'm very social & outgoing... yes, I do like my private time, but that's what it is... MY private time which is not generally shared...

but that's just me... ::smile:: there are other Ladies whose requirements do not require being escorted and/or who prefer to be more private in their relationships...

Thank you for your commentary -- very well said!

(in reply to perverseangelic)

RE: 10 Steps For Making A Good First Impression - 11/15/2004 7:09:33 AM

Posts: 78
Joined: 10/28/2004
From: Sonoma County, California, USA
Status: offline

Yes, thank You Ladies for taking the time to write this very detailed post about how to make a good first impression. i thought that i was good, but there are some very significant suggestions in this well-thought-out "how-to" posting.

Thank You both once again.

-philip

(in reply to LadyAngelika)

RE: 10 Steps For Making A Good First Impression - 11/15/2004 2:48:35 PM

Posts: 5
Joined: 8/30/2004
Status: offline

thank you soo much for all your advices,but i can't begin to tell you how much of a torture it is to find myself self in new situations with new people,yes i do work,but it's still common knoleadge at work how shy i am,even after years of working there,and i've never been to any of the christmas parties yet,i am pleased for you that you've got all your lives sorted out neatly.

(in reply to addcted2it)

RE: 10 Steps For Making A Good First Impression - 11/15/2004 2:49:22 PM

Posts: 5
Joined: 8/30/2004
Status: offline

sorry for the tone of the post.

(in reply to wiper4arse)

RE: 10 Steps For Making A Good First Impression - 11/15/2004 5:30:37 PM

perverseangelic

Posts: 2625
Joined: 2/2/2004
From: Davis, Ca
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: wiper4arse

thank you soo much for all your advices,but i can't begin to tell you how much of a torture it is to find myself self in new situations with new people,yes i do work,but it's still common knoleadge at work how shy i am,even after years of working there,and i've never been to any of the christmas parties yet,i am pleased for you that you've got all your lives sorted out neatly.

You've got a lot of excuses. If you want it, if you need it, you've -got- to be willing to do it.

I'm sorry to be hardline, but like I said, I KNOW where you're coming from. I just believe that if you have a goal, you have to be willing to work toward it. It's easy to sit online and tell us why you -can't- meet people. One has to decide whether the reward is worth the work.

I think it is.

_____________________________

~in the begining it is always dark~

(in reply to wiper4arse)

RE: 10 Steps For Making A Good First Impression - 11/16/2004 9:23:46 AM

Posts: 713
Joined: 9/26/2004
From: Portland oregon
Status: offline

Great thread.. now HOW does one get a "submissive" to even reply to a "ad".
And yes you can use my "ad" as an example that does not work..
:-)

_____________________________

Phil Moulton
A Sensual Touch
Locopony Racing
Portland Oregon

(in reply to LadyAngelika)

RE: 10 Steps For Making A Good First Impression - 11/16/2004 3:28:28 PM

Posts: 3
Joined: 10/23/2004
Status: offline

i like what Ms Laura said,

quote:

For me that overpoliteness is insincere. That's all. If that's the way he really is, if he speaks that way everyday, thats different. But, I doubt it. If anyone approached me with that over polite speech I would be turned off and expect they were only doing it to get something.

That was one of the first things i thought when reading the letter. i would much rather be 100% myself and if my normal amount and style of politeness isn't good enough then the Lady and myself don't need to continue on with persuing a relationship, whether that relationship be D/s or just friendly conversation through e-mail or whatever.

i like to send a small to medium size e-mail to the Lady and let Her look at my profile to decide if She wants to respond. i am a submissive guy but that does not mean i am here for your random abuse, especially not emotional abuse. If i get an abusive or hateful reply i give it right back. i don't need to be invalidated by some sociopath just because i'm submissive. That is very damaging to ones psychological wellbeing and can cause a sub to have "baggage" before he even gets started. Not long ago i got a reply from a lady who lives in my area who i finally had to block from sending me messages. She wasn't dominant, she was just an asshole. So, it can be a two way street. If You want to attract this fly its going to take honey, not bullshit. lol

i expect to be treated with politeness, but i prefer that a Lady be Herself. That way i can imediately see if She is someone i don't want to serve. And as far as my level of politeness and submissiveness goes, the only Lady i have to impress is the one who wants me to serve Her. i do not and will not play submissive to every Tammy, Dana, and Hariette who comes along. i feel that 90% of peoples idea's about Domme and sub behaviour are unrealistic. Many of the responses i've read in this thread had me thinking about how Domme's and subs both are unrealistic in their wants/demands.

By the way, i have been to munches and play parties. i didn't like the people i met there. They were just too weird. They seemed to expect me to be at the bottom of a social pecking order just because being submissive is a part of my sexuality.

Speaking of sexuality, i am a sexual person and i could only serve a Mistress who is the same way. D/s is mostly a sexual thing for me, since it turns me on to please a dominant Woman. And the more turned on i get the more submissive i get. Thats me, and will always be me, and if no one liked it then i guess i just wouldn't serve anybody. i don't need anyone or anything THAT much.

Sincerely,
thickhead

(in reply to Kinkypupper)

RE: 10 Steps For Making A Good First Impression - 11/16/2004 3:42:48 PM

Posts: 113
Joined: 11/12/2004
Status: offline

Thank you for the advise to ones requesting attention. It was to the point and very written ...

_____________________________

One has to respect the thorns to have a Rose

(in reply to MistressZanthia)

RE: 10 Steps For Making A Good First Impression - 11/17/2004 1:52:10 PM

GoddessDustyGold

Posts: 2822
Joined: 4/11/2004
From: Arizona
Status: offline

Kinkypupper,

I admit I can't answer you, as I am not a female sub, and I don't come from that realm. But I can opine here for a moment.
You joined less than 2 months ago. Give it a little time. I realize the women on this site seem to get lots of mail. Perhaps many of the female subs are not browsing too much, like the Female Dominants don't browse too much. They get enough mail.
You state "living expenses provided" in your list. So I would assume you are willing to get to know someone and have them relocate to live in your home. You mention in your profile, height and weight proportionate. There may be a gem out there who does not consider herself to meet that expectation, so she might not write.
As a male, I would suggest that you take the same basic guidelines, Dominant or no, and write to those who interest you. Do not assume they are panting to move to you. Everyone should always be polite and respectful, regardless of which end of the lifestyle they are coming from. And do accept a polite "No thank you". Hopefully you'll get a reply even if someone is not interested, but you might not. Just chalk it up and move on. Make sure you read profiles to ensure that someone is not already collared or in another exclusive relationship. Get out and go to munches in your area. Have you done a search in your own area to see if there are any female submissives you might click with? As an aside, and I do understand your intent here, personally I do not like to see the word "f*ck" jumping out at Me in the first line of an ad.
And if you have already done these things, then I do apologize. But your comment seems to indicate you are not receiving response to your ad.
lady subs, if I am wrong in My take on this, please feel free to jump in and help out this Dominant. I realize I am speaking from a feminine POV, and not from a Dominant POV. Do you browse the profiles and initiate contact, or do you prefer to have the Dom contact you?

_____________________________

Dusty
They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety
B Franklin
Don't blame Me ~ I didn't vote for either of them
The Hidden Kingdom

(in reply to Kinkypupper)

RE: 10 Steps For Making A Good First Impression - 11/17/2004 2:26:59 PM

GoddessDustyGold

Posts: 2822
Joined: 4/11/2004
From: Arizona
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: thickhead

i like what Ms Laura said,
quote:

For me that overpoliteness is insincere. That's all. If that's the way he really is, if he speaks that way everyday, thats different. But, I doubt it. If anyone approached me with that over polite speech I would be turned off and expect they were only doing it to get something.

That was one of the first things i thought when reading the letter. i would much rather be 100% myself and if my normal amount and style of politeness isn't good enough then the Lady and myself don't need to continue on with persuing a relationship, whether that relationship be D/s or just friendly conversation through e-mail or whatever.

i like to send a small to medium size e-mail to the Lady and let Her look at my profile to decide if She wants to respond. i am a submissive guy but that does not mean i am here for your random abuse, especially not emotional abuse. If i get an abusive or hateful reply i give it right back. i don't need to be invalidated by some sociopath just because i'm submissive. That is very damaging to ones psychological wellbeing and can cause a sub to have "baggage" before he even gets started. Not long ago i got a reply from a lady who lives in my area who i finally had to block from sending me messages. She wasn't dominant, she was just an asshole. So, it can be a two way street. If You want to attract this fly its going to take honey, not bullshit. lol

i expect to be treated with politeness, but i prefer that a Lady be Herself. That way i can imediately see if She is someone i don't want to serve. And as far as my level of politeness and submissiveness goes, the only Lady i have to impress is the one who wants me to serve Her. i do not and will not play submissive to every Tammy, Dana, and Hariette who comes along. i feel that 90% of peoples idea's about Domme and sub behaviour are unrealistic. Many of the responses i've read in this thread had me thinking about how Domme's and subs both are unrealistic in their wants/demands.

By the way, i have been to munches and play parties. i didn't like the people i met there. They were just too weird. They seemed to expect me to be at the bottom of a social pecking order just because being submissive is a part of my sexuality.

Speaking of sexuality, i am a sexual person and i could only serve a Mistress who is the same way. D/s is mostly a sexual thing for me, since it turns me on to please a dominant Woman. And the more turned on i get the more submissive i get. Thats me, and will always be me, and if no one liked it then i guess i just wouldn't serve anybody. i don't need anyone or anything THAT much.

Sincerely,
thickhead

thickhead,
I read your post with a great deal of interest, and I am not addressing this in order to abuse your psyche, or cause you any emotional distress.
I am a naturally very polite and articulate Lady. Hopefully this comes across in My profile which I put alot of thought into. So, although I have never heard from you, and I wouldn't expect to given the information you are sharing on this board, let's just say I do receive this small to medium sized email from you. And most I receive are reasonably short and easy to read. I don't mind the occasional typo, but it is good to read some complete sentences with punctuation. So here is your email to Me.
"Dear Ma'am,
I have read your profile and I am a submissive male wishing to enter into a 24/7 relationship. If you can take some time, I would refer you to my profile and if you are interested, please email me to let me know. I hope to hear from you soon. Sincerely, thickhead..."Now I go to your profile. and what do I see?
1. No photo, but that's ok, everybody doesn't want to place a photo.
2. your list of interest and special skills:

Interests (click for descriptions):

Chastity Belts / Orgasm Denial

Long-Term Orgasm Denial

Spanking

Female Supremacy

Special Skills:

Automotive Mechanic

3. your profile information:
i enjoy serving a Dominant Woman who enjoys cock teasing and orgasm denial.

The end. Now if we were even beginning to match, the onus of pursuing this has now fallen upon Me. I must reply (or decide not to bother) and ask the many, many questions I would have to see if I wish to pursue this. Frankly, most Female Dominants prefer you to sell yourself to Us. What is it about you that should make Me sit up and take notice? This is the reason for the guidelines in the ten steps.
Unfortunately, I get too much mail that simply says "how can I srv u?" or something in a similar vein . No Dear Ma'am, no signature, and brief to nothing in the profile info.
thickhead, I know more of what you are seeking from your post on this thread, than I would from browsing and finding your profile. Unfortunately, the largest percentage of people on this site, are not looking at or participating on these boards.
Again, I repeat, I am not saying this to hurt you in anyway. I am just making the point that it would be difficult for a Lady to know if she is interested or not by what you are providing. Perhaps you would write more in an introductory email than I mentioned. I don't know who the asshole is you had to block. I know it wasn't Me. But W/we all do run into those "assholes". Comes with the territory. I would never presume to abuse anybody and even when I get it (and I do!) I don't give it back. Guess I am just to classy to stoop to that level.
Unfortunately, for many of Us, D/s is not a strictly sexual thing. It is a mindset and there is a lot more than sex to it. So I am sorry that you felt the people you met at the munches were "weird" and that most of what you have read on these boards seems unrealistic to you. I am sure you will eventually find what you are looking for. Best of luck to you. And I do mean that sincerely.

< Message edited by GoddessDustyGold -- 11/17/2004 2:33:00 PM >

_____________________________

Dusty
They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety
B Franklin
Don't blame Me ~ I didn't vote for either of them
The Hidden Kingdom

(in reply to thickhead)

RE: 10 Steps For Making A Good First Impression - 11/21/2004 8:30:38 PM

Posts: 3
Joined: 10/23/2004
Status: offline

Goddess Dusty Gold, thank You for Your reply and Your best wishes for me. The example e-mail in Your response is nothing like an e-mail i would send. It would just be rude to tell a Lady to refer to my profile. If She is interested from what i write then She will of course look at my profile. Also, the brevity of the e-mail is rude. Actually that e-mail is totally not me at all. As far as the questions go, i dont' think i would want to be with someone who didn't want to communicate, whether D/s or vanilla. A showing of interest is a two way street for me. If i want to persue a woman like a dog in heat then i will go to a night club. i believe a dominant Woman would show an interest in me if She wants me to persue a relationship. i appreciate Your response, Ma'am, but please don't assume to know how i am or what i think. You know what happens when You assume.

thickhead

(in reply to GoddessDustyGold)

RE: 10 Steps For Making A Good First Impression - 11/28/2004 7:26:18 AM

Posts: 58
Joined: 11/19/2004
From: West Palm Beach, FL
Status: offline

Just as of late, the ways of the submissive. Have totally done a 180. This I am saying due to recent ones that have contacted me.
This seems to hold true, in both genders. I have tried to analyze this aspect, in doing so I have come to the conclusion. That this due to the larger number of ( for the lack of a better word) "Players" that seem to be on the increase. There are many that are just impulse fuctional.
Or, have been misled my others of the same mental concept to the lifestyle.
Which is a total deterrence when ones are true come to you.

(in reply to LadyAngelika)

RE: 10 Steps For Making A Good First Impression - 1/1/2005 6:54:07 PM

Posts: 12
Joined: 12/25/2004
Status: offline

Wow, LadyAngelika
Thank you very much for your tips.

< Message edited by heytoy001 -- 11/17/2005 2:51:23 PM >

(in reply to wiper4arse)

RE: 10 Steps For Making A Good First Impression - 1/3/2005 6:50:13 AM

ProtagonistLily

Posts: 1222
Joined: 12/27/2004
Status: offline

Hello All,

I agree 100% with Lady Badger about meeting at Munches. I, too, am networked and involved in the Local scene in my area, and have been for over 5 years now. No one was more afraid of taking the journey into the real scene than I was. At that time I was, and still am, publically recognizable in my community. The risks I took to become active were high, so I don't generally buy the "I'm too shy to do anything public" line from prospective submissives. If I can manage to float between my vanilla social existance and my BDSM life, anyone can.

I understand that some of these younger men (and even some of the older ones too) are getting all of their experience online. I also understand and am sensitive to the fact that all of us are differant and that some Fem Dommes are comfortable with that and are interested in training someone very new. I prefer someone with some experience, and if they say they have experience, I ask for references. I have references and offer them to submissives when it becomes clear we are interested in meeting. I'm really suspect when they say things like "I don't need a reference, I trust my gut." I have always wondered how many people never come back home after a meeting because they trusted their gut?

I find this forum extreamly liberating. I got some negative feedback from a few local Dommes I know when I said that I was going to cast a wider net this time in my search for a submissive. They think I'm nuts to be looking online, and that's their perrogotive. I just haven't been able to find someone suitable through my real life networks, so I am giving this a go. I'm greatful to the submissive who turned me on to this site; he described it as "homey" and I think he's right.

Clearly, there are many vocal Fem Dommes here who are real life. I look forward to hearing what you have to say, and contributing when I can. After many years in the lifestyle as a bottom, I'm coming to terms with the fact that I am truly most comfortable not only as a Top, but wish to become involved in a D/s relationship with a suitable submissive.

I went to a party on New Year's Eve with my dearest kinky friend who moved away while I was working out of town this year. When we walked into the party, a mutual friend who happened to be the first Top I ever bottomed to asked my friend if she was going to Top me. My friend said "No, Lily's a Top now." our mutual friend said "When wasn't she a Top?" I got a real kick out of that and hope I never forget that little exchange.

Warmly,
Lily

[email protected]

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyBadger

::jumping in here - smile::

a munch is an open event where likeminded folks can get together & share some good conversation... munches are usually at a restaurant; socials generally in a bar setting or coffeehouse... they are generally gateways for newcomers to be introduced to the local community and for friends to keep in touch in person...

btw, hi! I'm LadyBadger... have pretty much read this forum/topic & I agree with LadyAngelika and others regarding first (and continuing) contact...

what Laura said back in September re munches very much struck a chord with me... I'm very socially active in my local bdsm community and when someone asks to meet with me, I'm going to point to a nearby upcoming munch or social... it's also good to know that others know the person that interests me, as well as knowing me if he should wish references...

it's amazing how many subs do NOT wish to meet, much less attend, such an open event... however, that's a BIG test with me... what, can't meet me where I am comfortable? oh well, we're not compatible...

even though I did get my start online, such experience didn't really prepare me for real-time bdsm... establishing myself in the community took about a year or more... not to mention, gaining actual skills & practice so I *could* function as a decent Top/Domme...

so online experience doesn't hold as much weight with me as real-time and being part of a community... online for me is but one tool to meet people I otherwise wouldn't have opportunity to meet since most of folks move in very different circles real-time & wouldn't ordinarily cross paths...

nice to "meet" you all!

LadyBadger
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/SoCalSMEvents
http://profiles.yahoo.com/badgerwomn

(in reply to LadyBadger)

RE: 10 Steps For Making A Good First Impression - 2/3/2005 5:40:49 AM

Posts: 477
Joined: 8/8/2004
From: Houston, Texas
Status: offline

Just wanting to keep this thread on the current list as we seem to have a rash of new subs out there, who would benefit from reading it. Given the plethora of one line email's I'm getting these days, I wish I could make the original post an auto-reply.

Ms. Eden

_____________________________

"If I didnt define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other peoples fantasies for me and eaten alive. - Audre Lorde"

(in reply to ProtagonistLily)

RE: 10 Steps For Making A Good First Impression - 2/5/2005 3:34:10 PM

Posts: 356
Joined: 2/1/2005
Status: offline

Thanks You Ladies for drawing up that list of suggestions for how to approach a Dominant. It is so frustrating to receive the brief e-mails stating what the submissive expects from Me and how big their equipment is. Personally I view those opening e-mails from submissives the same way I do job applications. The submissive is in effect applying for a position in My life whether it be on-line or real time. The opening e-mail will have a much better effect if some effort has been made to research what I seeking and what My needs are. This is where the profile of the Dominant comes in and why it should be read carefully. (Many O/others have made this point.)

(in reply to MaitresseEden)

RE: 10 Steps For Making A Good First Impression - 2/5/2005 5:04:55 PM

NATI

Posts: 177
Joined: 1/5/2005
Status: offline

Wow! This is SOOO refreshing. What a great thread!!!

I think it's important not to be a one size fits all sub. Be yourself in your letter of introduction. Take a little time with your letter.

This is definitelya thread that should resurface periodically.

(in reply to GentleLady)

RE: 10 Steps For Making A Good First Impression - 3/31/2005 10:46:56 AM

Posts: 477
Joined: 8/8/2004
From: Houston, Texas
Status: offline

Just keeping this thread open and up on the list. :)

Ms. Eden

_____________________________

"If I didnt define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other peoples fantasies for me and eaten alive. - Audre Lorde"

(in reply to NATI)

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