UllrsIshtar -> RE: pain (11/15/2016 6:45:32 PM)
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ORIGINAL: ThatDizzyChick I mean I have just recently accepted the fact that I am a masochist and so really started to explore it when I got pregnant (It seems that a guy gets very unwilling to beat on you when your carrying his child) Try being pregant with a guy who doesn't even want to fuck you from the time you start showing because he's worried his massive (yeah no) dick would hurt the baby. Hint... I don't recommend it. quote:
ORIGINAL: ThatDizzyChick which led me to be really fucked up for many years, it was a really dark and hurt filled place in my life, and I am really scared of ever going back there, so I don't do a lot of deep self-examination for fear of where it might take me. I know that some of why I like some of the things I do is,because I still have a lingering feeling that I somehow deserve it, and I m afraid to go down that rabbit hole again for fear that I will start to really believe it again or once again be driven to seek oblivion and get back into the booze and dope. So instead I just try to accept that I like some really messed up shit and leave it at that. Not the same thing by a mile, but I was bullied bad enough in school that it gave me anxiety attacks that used to have me had to stop my bike on the way to school half a dozen time each morning to throw up. I had a pretty bad situation at home too, with my parents basically hating eachother, fighting every night, and only staying married because of financial reason. Once I hit my teens, I quickly found out that older guys did like me, as long as I put out. So in an attempt to finally find the acceptance I'd been looking for, I ended up skipping school, running away from home for weeks on end (I hitchhiked to the South of France by myself when I was 15) and getting lost in an endless spiral of drugs, parties, and sleeping with another guy every week (often just so I'd have a place to sleep that night). It wasn't until I hit 18 and was finally allowed to move out of my parent's house, and started going to kink clubs, where I met a whole bunch of super awesome people who took me under their wing that I sorta started the processes of getting my shit together. Of course, at the same time I also started a 5 year long domestic abuse relationship with the same guy who wouldn't fuck me during my pregnancy, but who had no problem bashing my face in hard enough so that I spend the majority of the time I was pregnant with black eyes, so it wasn't like all was good with me yet either... but it was a start. After 5 years of that, we ended up at a therapist's office, in an attempt to fix the violence (which by then had become bi-directional), and at one point my therapist told me: "Sometimes it seems like you provoke him on purpose, why is that?". I spend a lot of time thinking about it in the following weeks, and finally figured out that I was indeed provoking him (not that that excuses his behavior or anything, but it's still a fact that I was) because I craved the violence on some level. It was my way of dealing with stress, or feeling insecure, or having any negative feelings I couldn't deal with... being in physical pain made it possible for me to ignore the bad shit going on in my own head. Once I figured that out, I left him for good (we'd been on again, off again for 2 years by that point) and I purposefully took some time of kink altogether to figure out if it was even healthy for me to engage in it. Even when I started engaging in another M/s I purposefully went for a relationship where it was just a pure M/s dynamic, no play of any kind whatsoever. In that relationship I figured out that I did really need the play, but I also realized from my past experiences that I needed to find a way to engage in it in a way that was healthy for all parties involved. When it ended, I found my current husband, and he's been my rock in guiding me into finding ways to fulfill my most depraved desires without letting me drop over the edge of self-destruction again. I'm still somewhat cautious a lot of times about my darkest fantasies. Sometimes I don't know if it's really good for me to go there. I've found that being part of the kink community and going to clubs and events has helped me a lot on centering me to explore them in healthier ways, because the atmosphere at those places is always more "fun casual" than "dark and dangerous". It also helps a lot having other people to talk to who have similar cravings, and I've even gotten into touch with more than one other woman who has a domestic abuse background who also came through the realization that she on some level was provoking the violence to satisfy her own need to punish herself. Talking to others, and finding people to engage in kink with in a positive way has basically saved my life. quote:
ORIGINAL: ThatDizzyChick I mean, I now understand that I have enjoyed pain since before my mother's death, but I am still afraid to delve into the why's of it. I know that doesn't really make a lot of sense, but that's sort of to be expected with irrational fears. Same here, I've been engaging in self-kink and have had kink fantasies from before I was 5. I've finally just gotten to the point where I feel like I was born this way. This is how I deal with stress. This is how I pair-bond with others. This is how I level out my emotions. I could go deeper than that, and try to figure out why that is, and how it got started, and sit down and debate whether it really is healthy or not (it certainly wasn't for me before) but I've come to the conclusion I don't need to do that. I'm a happy, stable, productive member of society right now. I've got an awesome husband who supports me, an amazing support network of friends and causal lovers/play partners who all have my best interest in mind. Kink is enhancing my life right now. Not destroying it. My dark fantasies and tendencies aren't harming me, they're making me stronger, and I'm in control over how I incorporate them into my life, they no longer rule me. It might not be the 'healthiest' but it doesn't need to be. I can accept that I'm just simple fucked up... and that that is alright, as long as I find a way to make it so that my fuckupness doesn't do any harm to myself or those I care about. If that means that sometimes I need to let the beast out of its cage in a controlled way and do some really sick and depraved shit, so be it. It who I am. quote:
ORIGINAL: ThatDizzyChick As well, a large part of my masochism is directly sexual, by which I mean it almost has to involve some sort of fucking, I generally want at least one hole filled or a vibrator or something like that involved. Well I'm jealous. I'd love for my kink to have more sex and hole filling in it. I've never found the right guy for that sadly. Usually for me it ends up being the moment sex starts, the kink is pretty much over, because the guy is now only focused on getting off. It's meant that I usually can't go as far as I want to go in the scene, and so I've gotten into the habit of keeping both things sorta separate. Not because that's my ideal, but because I need the scene to go all the way to where I reach my point of masochistic release and not get cut short because the guy came and just wants to role over, have a sandwich and go to sleep. quote:
ORIGINAL: ThatDizzyChick I curse them when things get intense, and so on. Yeah me too. All my regular harder play partners know that if they're doing it right, I will curse, scream, beg, plead, attack them, try to run away, refuse to obey orders, and get hysterical. I'm not the type of girl to quietly moan in pleasure and stand still to give the Top a good aim while I'm scening, unless we're really just doing light stuff and I'm enjoying the sensations as a sorta erotic massage. Scenes like that aren't enough though. I need to go deeper than that from time to time or I get cranky. My husband calls it my "in need of a hard scene PMS; PSS, or post scene syndrome". quote:
ORIGINAL: ThatDizzyChick It's also a sort of defense mechanism in a way, sort of thinking that they won't leave me if they get anything they want, which is, when you think about it, a really fucked up way to approach things, but it is what it is. No it's not a fucked up way to approach things at all, unless you get stuck in a place where you believe that the only thing they value in you is that you're a 'good girlfriend'. You should believe that your Fella's care for you for who and what you are. The whole package that is you. Part of that package is that you're a 'good girlfriend' and so it is something they should value you for and a reason they shouldn't want to leave you. It's not the only reason for not leaving you though. If you were incompatible with them in every other possible way, and were still the 'good girlfriend' who cleaned the house and gave sex on demand, that wouldn't be enough to be with you. Even a clean house and sex on demand isn't enough to put up with a person whom you don't care for in any other way. As long as you remember that 'good girlfriend' isn't the only thing that makes you the you they care about, there's no reason it can't be part of the package of you as a person that makes them not want to leave. quote:
ORIGINAL: ThatDizzyChick I needed to have somebody "make" me do the painful or degrading stuff, but not so much anymore. However, there are some things we have started doing lately that I really do not like doing, they totally gross me out , but I do like being made to do them I totally get that, and I've been the same way. I used to need to be 'made' to the point that asking for something 'ruined' the whole thing, because now I felt it was all about him doing something for me, instead of the other way around. I've gotten better at that over the years, and I can now ask for the things I want and need without getting in some head trip that it's somehow 'bad' to do so. At the same time, I still really like to be 'made' to do things that I really don't want to do, just because it pleases him. I just chalk it off to my desire to feel submission on a level where I don't feel like I'm giving him a gift of my own free will, but where I'm actually submitting to his will in full, and it's his strength and Dominance that's extracting my submission from me. In that sort of submission, I'm fully 'giving in' to him. Laying with my throat bare so to speak, and allowing him to take things from me that I cannot (yet) give him myself. I'm finally to the point where doing that sort of submission actually strengthens my self-confidence and pride, because it pushes me to heights and places I cannot go myself, which shows me every times that I'm much stronger than I give myself credit for, that I can take more than I though I could, that I can endure more than I thought I could survive, that I am capable of more by being with him than I would be on my own. I've kinda turned it into my own personal shield: If I can do that, and be fine the next day, why on Earth would I let anything life throws me faze me? quote:
ORIGINAL: ThatDizzyChick I live with the Fella See, I always assumed that all y'all lived together. quote:
ORIGINAL: ThatDizzyChick they often have long discussions (I call them planning sessions) where they work out where they want to take things, and to make sure they are both OK with things one of them wants to do or try. Apparently it took the Other Fella quite a while to persuade the Fella to incorporate scat play, it kinda squicked him out and he still doesn't really like to be involved in it much. See, jealous again. [:D] My husband jokes that I'm the type of girl who walks into a dungeon and wants all the testosterone in the entire place to be focused exclusively on her and her alone. There's been some talk about some of the guys I play with and my husband planning something with all of them together, but so far it hasn't happened yet, and it's been a series of one-on-one things (sometimes several back to back a night). Having 2 guys focus all their depravity exclusively on me seems like heaven to me. Yeah, so there it is, like I said, it's sort of strange and doesn't really fit into any particular box, but hey it works for us. quote:
ORIGINAL: ThatDizzyChick That and I kinda wish I hadn't answered because I am feeling kinda shitty about myself now. I'm sorry. I hope my reply doesn't make it worse again. If it does, please don't feel obligated in any way to reply.
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