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Sub drop Please help - 12/27/2006 10:08:27 AM   
prettichinadoll


Posts: 35
Joined: 12/16/2005
Status: offline 		I had a horrible sub drop last weekend (right before Christmas! just my luck). I crashed after a scene and the second day I was still extremely emotional and depressed. I felt abandond. Now 4 days later, the depression doesn't get any better. I think this is probably the first time I have a sub drop like this. I almost want to just give up lifestyle all together. I feel horrible of being a submissive and a female. Feels like my desire of pleasing people is so pathetic. Don't know what to do, what to think...How to deal with sub drop? can anyone help?

< Message edited by prettichinadoll -- 12/27/2006 10:25:06 AM >

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RE: sub drop - 12/27/2006 10:26:30 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: prettichinadoll

I had a horrible sub drop last weekend (right before Christmas! just my luck). I crashed after a scene and the second day I was still extremely emotional and depressed. I felt abandond. Now 4 days later, the depression doesn't get any better. I think this is probably the first time I have a sub drop like this. I almost want to just give up lifestyle all together. I feel horrible of being a submissive and a female. Feels like my desire of pleasing people is so pathetic. Don't know what to do, what to think...How to deal with sub drop? can anyone help?


My recipe to ease subdrop basically consists of my partner giving me attention and affection after we have an intense scene. I have only had one negative experience like you describe with subdrop, and that was the first time we played. We parted soon afterwards, and even though we talked a lot the next day it was hard because I did not get as much aftercare, tactile touching, that I needed. He knows this, and he takes good care of that aspect now. It may not help you, but it surely helps me.

I get giddy after play, he gives me some form of sugar during aftercare, last time it was in the form of wine.

At this point I would say that some strenuous exercise that spurs some release of endorphins into your blood stream will help, also eat some fruit, drink lots of water, connect with the person that put you into subspace and tell them how you feel (this helped me so much I could not believe it). If you are sore, stretching is a wonderful gift to yourself that can align your energy centers.

< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 12/27/2006 10:29:24 AM >

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RE: sub drop - 12/27/2006 10:33:51 AM   
Caitriona


Posts: 327
Joined: 8/28/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

My recipe to ease subdrop basically consists of my partner giving me attention and affection after we have an intense scene. I have only had one negative experience like you describe with subdrop, and that was the first time we played. We parted soon afterwards, and even though we talked a lot the next day it was hard because I did not get as much aftercare, tactile touching, that I needed.

At this point I would say that some strenuous exercise that spurs some release of endorphins into your blood stream will help, also eat some fruit, drink lots of water, connect with the person that put you into subspace and tell them how you feel (this helped me so much I could not believe it). If you are sore, stretching is a wonderful gift to yourself that can align your energy centers.


Wonderful suggestions, Julia!  I experience needs similar to yours after a scene, so I can relate. 

To the OP, if the person you've scened with is not available to you perhaps you should make plans to get together with some friends or something like that to ease the lonely feelings.  If you are familar with meditation perhaps you could do that to help balance your energy?


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RE: sub drop - 12/27/2006 10:43:22 AM   
prettichinadoll


Posts: 35
Joined: 12/16/2005
Status: offline 		Thank you for the advice :) I really appreciate it. It's probably because of the holiday season, I can't reach the dom I played with. So unfortunately, I have to deal with this myself. I'm way too emotional at this point and it actually interferes with my work (I'm at work now...) I can't just burst into tears when talking to my boss...

What should I do?

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RE: Sub drop Please help - 12/27/2006 10:44:22 AM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		I have experienced what you have before.  Doing something productive was helpful. Talking to my Master was helpful.  When he wasn't available to talk to, writing to him about all that was going on in my mind at the time proved most helpful, as he helped me through it once he knew what I was going through. I have been trained to not need much in the way of after care, but such training was very difficult for me.  I do not know if your experience was with your Dom (I do not know if you are partnered with a particular Dom or not) or if you were scening with someone casually.  For me, knowing I have pleased the one who owns me fills me enough now to avoid such drops.  I focus on that part and move on.  If this is a reaction to casual play, that is not something I can identify with so I can not offer any words in that regard. 

The last paragraph in Julia's post had some extremely helpful advice in it.  I would second all that she said.

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RE: sub drop - 12/27/2006 10:46:00 AM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: prettichinadoll

Thank you for the advice :) I really appreciate it. It's probably because of the holiday season, I can't reach the dom I played with. So unfortunately, I have to deal with this myself. I'm way too emotional at this point and it actually interferes with my work (I'm at work now...) I can't just burst into tears when talking to my boss...

What should I do?


Get up and take short walks every couple of hours if you can.  Even if just around the building, to get outside, suck in some air and get your blood flowing.  If you can, start journaling your thoughts to get in touch with what you are feeling and why.  Understanding our emotions helps us manage them better.

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RE: sub drop - 12/27/2006 11:02:33 AM   
prettichinadoll


Posts: 35
Joined: 12/16/2005
Status: offline 		Thanks, I'll do that now...go get a coffee in the coffee shop accross the street...

The dom I played with on last Saturday is not my Master. I'm sort of seeing him at the moment, but there's no aggreement or committment of any kind between us. This ambiguous situation often makes me hesitate when talking to him about the bad experience, like this time. I feel like this is my issue, and he's not responsible. But from all the books I read, doms are responsible for seeing through after care and dealing with sub drop. I know something is not right with me this time, so I contact him several times after the scene, but get no responds.

I feel horrible right now. Don't want to be sub anymore. and what's the point of writing everything down? All I get would probably be something like "I'm sorry that you feel that way".

Well, I'll go get that coffee now

_____________________________

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RE: sub drop - 12/27/2006 11:11:12 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		I am sorry that this person has not been responsive to your needs, even though it was a casual scene. It seems in the interests of friendship he would understand that you may just need a few kind words to help you process the very real physical manifestations that your body is going through.

If you have any real life friends in the lifestyle I would recommend that you call one of them and talk to them about your feelings. I would also not give up exploring my submissive nature and enjoying my sexuality because one person was not sensitive to my needs. I would just make sure that in the future whomever I played with was up to the task of providing aftercare for you even if it was days later than when you needed. I would share this experience with any future play partners. I am thinking someone experienced would know about this, and desire to help you through subdrop... even if just as a friend.

I am sure you will feel right as rain soon enough.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

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RE: sub drop - 12/27/2006 11:15:08 AM   
whisperedsighs


Posts: 349
Joined: 11/12/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: prettichinadoll

Thanks, I'll do that now...go get a coffee in the coffee shop accross the street...

The dom I played with on last Saturday is not my Master. I'm sort of seeing him at the moment, but there's no aggreement or committment of any kind between us. This ambiguous situation often makes me hesitate when talking to him about the bad experience, like this time. I feel like this is my issue, and he's not responsible. But from all the books I read, doms are responsible for seeing through after care and dealing with sub drop. I know something is not right with me this time, so I contact him several times after the scene, but get no responds.

I feel horrible right now. Don't want to be sub anymore. and what's the point of writing everything down? All I get would probably be something like "I'm sorry that you feel that way".

Well, I'll go get that coffee now


These are the times when I get bottom/sub drop the most is when it is with a Dom/Master I don't normally play with and have an intense scene with.  I find that what most are saying here is good advice, write about it get it out, allow yourself to cry, get with friends, and excercise, get the endorphins going on another level.  Sub drop is horrible, but recognizing it for what it is, is in itself very helpful in getting through it.

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oh my god that was so wrong! .... again please!

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RE: Sub drop Please help - 12/27/2006 11:29:57 AM   
mstrjx


Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline 		I agree quite a bit with what has been said above, but do have a couple of additional things to say.

First, a Dom, a Master, must handle the responsibilities that come with that 'position'.  Unless we're discussing a little round of kinky sex, the ol' slap and tickle (and I know we're not), it is not simply the physical that we experience.  It is also deeply emotional and psychological.  If there is going to be deep 'play', even if it is working towards a relationship, then the aftercare must be at the same level as the play.

For me, I'm not big on simple 'play' without that 'deciding upon a relationship' for that very reason.  It is so easy to work someone up and not appropriately easing someone back down due to lack of care or irresponsibility is bad behavior.

The other thing I wanted to touch on was the idea of  'giving up the Lifestyle'.  On several levels, this really isn't probably what you want to do or is best for you.  I have seen instances where submissive women were so turned off by bad experiences that they quit before they really have a chance to start.  (These were not with anyone I had been with, but one I never had the opportunity to meet because she was so devestated by an experience with another.)  But in reading your profile and knowing something of your past posts (you might recall my response to a post some time ago relative to my having a brief relationship with a Chinese-born slave), I know that your submissiveness is something that you clearly identify with.  Do you really wish to turn your back on who you are or what you become without fulfilling the destiny that you have laid out for yourself?  I think not.

Jeff

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RE: Sub drop Please help - 12/27/2006 12:11:03 PM   
Samwhiplash


Posts: 191
Joined: 10/5/2005
Status: offline 		prettychinadoll... Im so sorry to read that you are feeling so low after play.

Please remember that being sub is just so very important... afterall... we Dom(me)s need a sub to complete our D/s thing, just as much as a sub needs a Dom(me). A good sub is a treasured thing.... something to be valued... I hope you will remember that.

Take good care of yourself, and as someone else said, surround yourself with people you love until your low spell passes. Oh... and have a healthy chunk of chocolate - it will definitely help with your mood.

Hugs.

Miss Sam

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RE: Sub drop Please help - 12/27/2006 12:17:33 PM   
subsa


Posts: 196
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline 		i'm so sorry you're going through this.  it must be really hard especially at the holidays when every one is so damn cheerful.  i go through the subdrop thing when we play intensly for a few days in a row.  i don't have a sure fire fix but i can tell you the things that help me.   i take long hot bubble baths, get a massage, change my hair, go shopping for sexy lingerie...anything that helps me feel better. 

i've been know to throw myself into work which takes all my focus so i can't think about my 'feelings' until my body chemistry has had a chance to stabilize.  just remembering and recognizing that these feelings are part of my 'scening experience' helps me to put them into perspective sometimes.

i try to write to myself (when i'm not feeling down) about why i love and need submission in my life.  if i read those thoughts when i'm feeling down it helps me to remember how i felt when things were going well.  i have the privilige of living with my Master so i talk things out with Him most times. if He's not available i have several people who i can talk freely to about my lifestyle  (some from this forum) and that helps me to gain perspective as well. 

my best advice is to not make any permanent decisions regarding your submission for a week.  hopefully you'll feel better about things then but if not at least you will have a clear head. 

(in reply to mstrjx)
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RE: Sub drop Please help - 12/27/2006 1:07:29 PM   
prettichinadoll


Posts: 35
Joined: 12/16/2005
Status: offline 		thank you everyone. I'll finished up my work as soon as I could, and go to a close lifestyle friend's house, and crash with her. She's the only one I feel comfortable letting my emotion out.

I know thinking about giving up submission is probably just depression talk. I had bad experience before, but I can clearly identify the problem, analize it, and make sure what I can do next time to prevent the same experience from happening. I've always feel that there's something I can do about my life and make it better. But this time, not only the sub drop last for 4 days (I cried every day), but I feel lost and don't know what to do.

I have great connection with the dom I played with. I talked to him, we get to gether, communicate, we have several great scenes. I feel that I did everything right. and we did a intense scene together on Saturday night. because of miscommunication on both parts, it didn't end well. I crashed the next day, crying like a baby. I try to communicate with the dom, but he's way too tired to talk. The next day is Christmas, my family don't really do Christmas because we're Chinese. I was down and trying to contact him again, he's sleeping (again...lol) I tried everything I could to contact him, text message, phone call, voice mail, email...nothing in return.

It's not the dom's behavior upsets me the most. What really beat me down is how could I trust him. How could I. He appears to me like someone I might want to have a committment with. I watched his every move, listen to what he's saying and how he said it. I asked around for reference. Everthing turns out positive. He strike to me as a responsible person and experienced dom. And from his words and action, I start to see that he cares about me as a person. But Having an intense scene and leave the submissive dry without even a phone call is not something any experienced dom would do. If I can't identify the right person to play with...how could I protect myself in the scene?

I feel that I'm failure to myself. I can't protect myself. I put myself up for something emotionally dangerous with the wrong person. and now I'm trying everything I could to get myself back together. I fully understand that a submissive need a dominate to be complete. Yet this experience just make me so scared, questioned myself if I could take that risk again. I was so vulnerable during the scene, and I can't let myself be vulturable like that again. Being a submissive is to let go of yourself, and focus on others, to make other happy. I don't know if I could let go again. Go back to my life before maybe unfulfilling and boring, but at least I know I'll be safe. I would have myself under control.

_____________________________

Happiness is a conscious choice, not an automatic response.

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RE: Sub drop Please help - 12/27/2006 1:13:05 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		They have already given you good advice.

And please try to remember that subdrop is NOT permanent and no one has ever died from it.  I know not much consolation when one is in a distressed state, but this is a harsh learning experience which you WILL get through and be just fine on the other side.

http://www.collarchat.com/m_649399/mpage_1/key_subdrop/tm.htm#649697
Coming down from the glorious heights

http://www.collarchat.com/m_522013/mpage_1/key_sub%252Cdrop/tm.htm#522021
sub drop, definitions, causes, cures, and prevention

http://www.collarchat.com/m_512884/mpage_1/key_sub%252Cdrop/tm.htm#513003
Your insight is needed please

http://www.collarchat.com/m_487853/mpage_1/key_sub%252Cdrop/tm.htm#488083
sub drop (2)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_460639/mpage_1/key_subdrop/tm.htm#460834
regaining balance after deep subspace

http://www.collarchat.com/m_202168/mpage_1/key_sub%252Cdrop/tm.htm#202459
sub-drop what is it?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_345419/mpage_1/key_sub%252Cdrop/tm.htm#345462
highs and lows

http://www.collarchat.com/m_398653/mpage_1/key_sub%252Cdrop/tm.htm#399164
subdrop or what?

Is it drop or am I kidding myself?

Depression after a scene

Sub Drop

Nervous sub seeks reassurance

sleeping...


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RE: sub drop - 12/27/2006 4:52:17 PM   
LycanHorde


Posts: 12
Joined: 12/22/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: prettichinadoll

Thanks, I'll do that now...go get a coffee in the coffee shop accross the street...

The dom I played with on last Saturday is not my Master. I'm sort of seeing him at the moment, but there's no aggreement or committment of any kind between us. This ambiguous situation often makes me hesitate when talking to him about the bad experience, like this time. I feel like this is my issue, and he's not responsible. But from all the books I read, doms are responsible for seeing through after care and dealing with sub drop. I know something is not right with me this time, so I contact him several times after the scene, but get no responds.

I feel horrible right now. Don't want to be sub anymore. and what's the point of writing everything down? All I get would probably be something like "I'm sorry that you feel that way".

Well, I'll go get that coffee now


You say it's your issue, not his responsibility, you say that lack of an agreement between you makes you hesitant to discuss things with him and you say you've tried to contact him and your attempts to reach him have been ignored. I will suggest that he's not meeting your needs, that your welfare should be important to him and that you either come to an agreement with him before you scene again, or that you find someone that's willing to do so. Good luck to you.



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RE: Sub drop Please help - 12/28/2006 5:01:27 AM   
Aileen68


Posts: 6091
Joined: 8/2/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: prettichinadoll

I had a horrible sub drop last weekend (right before Christmas! just my luck). I crashed after a scene and the second day I was still extremely emotional and depressed. I felt abandond. Now 4 days later, the depression doesn't get any better. I think this is probably the first time I have a sub drop like this. I almost want to just give up lifestyle all together.

I can relate completely to this.  For the first time I've been experiencing intense subdrop almost to the point where I hesitate to meet because of what I deal with afterwards. 

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RE: Sub drop Please help - 12/28/2006 6:27:05 AM   
MzMia


Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
Status: offline 		I am sorry you are experiencing this emotional pain "chinadoll".
I have never been into personally "playing" or anything remotely related.
I seek only a relationship, with someone I know WELL before BDSM activity.
I stopped having casual relationships a long time ago.
I am not into casual sex, casual BDSM, nor casual romantic relationships.
This suits me well, because mentally I know that I can't do "casual".
I am an emotionally charged person, and "casual" would do nothing for me
but leave me feeling empty and lonely.
**Before I start getting slammed here, I am NOT knocking those that ENJOY
"scening", "playing with strangers", and everything else..I am saying it is NOT
what I seek.
Maybe you need to re-consder how you go about living this lifestyle,
instead of leaving it.
I think you are seeking more than "casual play", but settling for casual play.
I think IF you want more and have expectations of having an ongoing
"relationship", that should be your goal.
Good luck.

_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain


What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

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RE: Sub drop Please help - 12/28/2006 8:49:24 AM   
Nosathro


Posts: 3319
Joined: 9/25/2005
From: Orange County, California
Status: offline 		greetings prettichinadoll
 
I am sorry to read about your situation.  I do believe those who responded are giving you some good advice.  I do hope things work out for you. 
 
I wish you well
 
Nosathro

_____________________________

"The love of a slave girl is the deepest and most profound love that any woman can give a man. Love makes a woman a man's slave, and the wholeness of that love requires that she be, in truth, his slave." Magicians of Gor, page 31

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RE: Sub drop Please help - 12/28/2006 9:54:10 AM   
prettichinadoll


Posts: 35
Joined: 12/16/2005
Status: offline 		Thank you everyone and all the wonderful advices you gave me. I left work early yesterday because I was way too emotional. I drunk a lot of water, and eat fruits, chocolate...I'm very fortunate to have a close lifestyle friend whom I could rely on for help. She's been with me through my emotional out burst. and She gave me a lot of encouragement, telling me that I'm wanted and cared.

I felt a lot better this morning after a good night sleep and freshing shower. MzMia makes a very good point. One thing I discussed with my friend last night was I have a very hard time separating BDSM connection created in the scene from general real life emotional connection. I feel so closed to the dom I played with and to me, that closeness gose beyond the scene and all the way to real life. Having sex has the same effect on me. So for me, sex, BDSM scene connection, emotional attachment are all mixed together, I don't know how to separate them from one another. But I know others don't feel the same way I do. There's nothing wrong with it, we're all different. But I think I need to stop casual scening before I figure myself out.

I learned a valuable lesson from this unpleasent experience. and I do thank everyone here who offered me great advices and support.

Happy New Year everyone!

_____________________________

Happiness is a conscious choice, not an automatic response.

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RE: Sub drop Please help - 12/28/2006 6:38:56 PM   
diamonddreamlove


Posts: 770
Joined: 5/19/2006
Status: offline 		My worst subdrop was after a scene with Master (prior to collar) where after the scene he left me with other subs to do the aftercare.  Dang did he pay for that and so did i for quite some time afterward.  Guess i had some harsh things to say about his leaving me with others when he had taken me places that while wonderful needed him aftercare to complete.  Anyway after much discussion and negotiation our agreement is no more leaving me alone with others.  Put me into sub space i am your responsibility.  The Dom you played with may not realise how important he is to your aftercare process.  I am NOT saying that the aftercare stopps subdrop but that for me the intensity of the subdrop was in direct proportion to the lack of Dom aftercare.  That is my opinion anyway and i would recommend that when negotiating a scene with any Dom that you have discussion about aftercare.  Aftercare does not stop the minute of parting of the physical activity and IMHO it is the Doms responsibility to make himself available for discussion for a couple days afterwards.  I also suggest you write during this period of time a journal so that you can identify your own subdrop triggers as well as what pulls you back out of the depression.



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