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RE: Sub drop Please help - 12/28/2006 7:02:37 PM

krikket

Posts: 1183
Joined: 11/17/2004
From: Washington, DC Metro Area
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quote:

ORIGINAL: prettichinadoll

Thank you everyone and all the wonderful advices you gave me. ... I feel so closed to the dom I played with and to me, that closeness gose beyond the scene and all the way to real life. Having sex has the same effect on me. So for me, sex, BDSM scene connection, emotional attachment are all mixed together, I don't know how to separate them from one another. Happy New Year everyone!

hiya chinadoll. i've had the same problem, especially when "playing" with someone that i don't have any kind of committment (other than friendship, or hopes of more). Somes i get so depressed i can't stop crying so i wrap myself tightly in a blanket, hold one of my stuffed bears given to be by one of my grown sons, and just let myself cry. (i usually time it so i don't go overboard, but that's another story..lol. Othertimes i get angry, although i'm never sure at who or what, and when that happens i clean like a banchee -- cleanest houses come at those times..lol.

One thing about sharing Your feelings with the Dom in question, especially after the worst is over, is that it's a good way to find out just how he does react, how he feels about aftercare, all those good things. If you don't share he won't know, and even if the two of you don't go futher, perhaps it will help the next time he connects (and you too for that matter). i find it difficult to share my feelings of subdrop under those conditions, but i do force myself to write the letter, then "CLEAN" it up well before sending..lol.

hugs and hope you're feeling better now...

jimini

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RE: Sub drop Please help - 12/29/2006 7:23:25 PM

darksdesire

Posts: 326
Joined: 10/18/2006
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For me, I've come to understand that sub-drop is nothing more than moving away from the intense emotional and psychological connection we've shared. It's painful, and feels a bit like loss. I know we can't stay in that intense place forever, but still, there is a bit of emptiness after the fact. Honestly, nothing really helps except time and distraction.

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RE: Sub drop Please help - 12/29/2006 7:55:26 PM

Whiterabbit0117

Posts: 68
Joined: 3/15/2006
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Some good advice so far, but one area may be overlooked. This sounds like more than just sub drop. Tis the season for depression. A combination of the holidays and the winter nights can cause depression. Add sub drop to it and it can seem hopeless.

Some simple things that help:

Exercise, go to the gym, go for a walk - even just around the mall. Exercise gets the blood flowing, you might even get a couple endorphins to kick in. If you can catch a sunny day go for a hike even if it is cold the exercise and sunshine will greatly lift your spirits.

A good scary or funny movie can help, avoid tear jerkers and "chick flicks" than can make you feel more alone. If possible take a friend.

Turn up the light. Light therapy works for many. A full spectrum light is good, but if you don't have one, a bright incandescent can help. Some report good effects from tanning beds.

Call a friend. Talk about fun times avoid the my day was worse than yours pity pools. Lunch with friends instead of alone.

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RE: Sub drop Please help - 12/30/2006 3:57:01 AM

k0432

Posts: 14
Joined: 7/7/2005
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Thanks to you all for this information. I'm a 'wannabe' dom who has recently come out of a recent very long very vanilla relationship. The posts and LuckyAlbatross' links have opened my eyes to my responsibility I'd have to a future sub.

prettychinadoll - I'm glad you got through the experience. Wishing you the best for the future.

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Post #: 24

RE: Sub drop Please help - 12/30/2006 4:30:57 AM

MaamJay

Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
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Hi prettychinadoll, sorry to hear you had such a horrible drop experience and glad to hear you are starting to come through. Wonderful advice from those here! Just a couple of things to add:
As a Domme I find it incredibly frustrating when I only find out well after the event that a sub experienced drop! I have been in the process of finding a sub, therefore after various meetings etc, I have had some for trial play sessions. I am responsible, I spend lots of time cuddling after a scene (that's My favourite time anyway), try to get them to eat and drink something, ensure they are as grounded as possible before I let them drive home and I contact them the next day. I have even discussed the possibility of drop well before the play session. Maybe because they're mostly males, they tend to say all's fine and shrug Me off ... and it's only later I have found out that one or two have had drop. I think the machismo ego gets in the way and I feel so upset. So china doll, while it's easy for Us to be a bit judgemental of the Dom you played with, and even though it's been a problem to contact Him, do make sure that He does get to know. It's really important for Him as well as for you. Being Christmas, there may have been good reasons why He hasn't been contactable, but He does need to know what happened so He can understand the issue for the future.
Master and I have played with a fem sub a couple of times - despite being well prepared, she goes very deep into space very easily, and has experienced drop both times. First time, despite having discussed this possibility before play, she didn't tell Us and We only found out later. It wasn't too bad that time and she put it down to let-down after a tremendous build up to her first (and long anticipated) real bdsm experience. Second time it hit hard ... much like you ... she couldn't even make it to work as she was bawling her eyes out like a baby. It didn't strike the next day (so W/we all hoped she was in the clear that time), it hit 3 days later. Fortunately that time she called and W/we were able to talk and support her. she has had to move away because of her work, but W/we discussed the precautions for future play for her (whether with Us or with someone else) and they include trying to play more often but more lightly, to try to condition her a bit and avoid the huge build up, staying at least overnight so W/we have more ongoing chance to chat and help her to ground and also journalling more about what's going on in her life that also might be impacting on her responses. I can only suggest similar strategies might help you. All the very best!
Maam Jay aka violet[A]
PS as a sub i've only had drop once and it wasn't as bad as yours but i do know it wasn't much fun so you have my subbie sympathies too!

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RE: Sub drop Please help - 12/30/2006 2:56:26 PM

Huntertn

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Different subs drop into and out of sub space in different ways.The better you know the sub, the better you{Dom} know
How to give her the aftercare. From the form of this link, I think you alot more aftercare than what was given.

But, I too, have give up on casual playtime. Its not fair to either them or me nor do I have enought time to learn their ideal needs in reguards to the aftercare.
Have a care there and don't let your playneeds get ahead of your[and his] planing again.

And, yes, don't give up on the lifestyle; its so hhmm good once you find your nich.

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RE: Sub drop Please help - 12/30/2006 3:51:05 PM

prettichinadoll

Posts: 35
Joined: 12/16/2005
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Thank you so much everyone.

I did get a hold of the dom I played with the day I post this message. He told me that it is not his responsibility to deal with a sub drop 4 days later. I understand that everyone defines his/her own way of BDSM, and I also understand that there're submissives who do not need after care, and believes that dealing with sub drop is submissive's job.

The wonderful thing about this life style is that there's no "THE way" to do things, there's only "my way" and "your way". Everyone has their own way to do DS, as long as they don't hurt anyone, I have no issue with it. There's nothing wrong with what they believe, it's just so happen that I don't agree with what they believe. I believe it is dom's responsibility to help the sub to get through her sub drop. But hey, that's just my belief.

So, I will never play with that dom. and I learned a very valuable lesson here, which is put after care part of my negotiation. And I think I probably will give up casual play for a while. Thank you everyone :)

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RE: Sub drop Please help - 12/30/2006 4:05:31 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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Joined: 10/25/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: prettichinadoll
So, I will never play with that dom. and I learned a very valuable lesson here, which is put after care part of my negotiation. And I think I probably will give up casual play for a while. Thank you everyone :)

I'm only sorry that you didn't think to do that before any of this happened and am glad you learned your lesson here and realize it's not the doms fault or responsibility to attend to things that he didn't agree to.

If the sub drop was the only issue with the scene, I really don't see the need to give up casual play if it's something you've enjoyed up until now however.

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