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how much is "too much" aftercare? - 1/14/2007 5:58:29 PM

Phoenix2raven

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is there any such thing as too much aftercare? (if the sub is asking the Dom for care because she still feels sore/hurt/vulnerable/needs to process etc.)

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RE: how much is "too much" aftercare? - 1/14/2007 6:01:33 PM

bandit25

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I don't think so. I mean, we all have different needs/wants. Some don't want any aftercare...some want to be cuddled, stroked, talked to. Whatever is right for the parties involved is "just right"...ask Goldilocks!

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RE: how much is "too much" aftercare? - 1/14/2007 6:06:13 PM

crouchingtigress

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stop at bedsores.

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RE: how much is "too much" aftercare? - 1/14/2007 6:11:29 PM

justinasamerk

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Too much after care would be if a dominant did such a great, harsh, push the limit scene with his submissve,then felt so guilty about "hurting" her so much that he kept babying her, pampering her, and giving her time off that it displays a weakness with him.
After care should be
1-Nothing Broken-CHECK
2-No series bleeding-CHECK (ahh put a bandage on it)
3-Still conscious-hmmm maybe spacing out but breathing-CHECK
4-Crying in your arms uncontrollably-CHECK
5-Knows how many fingers i am holding up-CHECK

GOOD now go make me a cup of coffee wench *evil grin*....

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RE: how much is "too much" aftercare? - 1/14/2007 6:29:13 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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It's in the eye of the beholder. Obviously, aftercare should be discussed before the scene and stuck to that. Unexpected situations should be accounted for and dealt with appropriately, but yes, there can come a time where "aftercare" is enough. But it's always a judgement call- maybe they really are just having a really bad reaction and having to process things a lot longer and harder than expected...or maybe they are just milking attention.

Oh and I'll add that no one ever died from lack of aftercare and that as long as no one is egregiously ignoring what was agreed upon beforehand, it shouldn't become a huge issue no matter what.

< Message edited by LuckyAlbatross -- 1/14/2007 6:30:44 PM >

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RE: how much is "too much" aftercare? - 1/14/2007 7:05:45 PM

SimplyMichael

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Yep, that about sums it up.

If the play is simply physical, flogging etc, I am sorry, you don't need much aftercare and if you do, you aint ready to be playing, certainly not causually.

I wouldn't do scenes that really fuck with someones head (and I am not talking about humiliation) without being willing to provide some serious aftercare for a week or three afterward. However, I wouldn't do that sort of stuff with some newbie or drama queen.

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RE: how much is "too much" aftercare? - 1/14/2007 8:24:58 PM

Noah

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Phoenix2raven

is there any such thing as too much aftercare?

Depends how long I spent beating the crap out of her, I suppose.

Usually I'm cool with just a blowjob and a footrub.

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RE: how much is "too much" aftercare? - 1/14/2007 9:36:47 PM

Phoenix2raven

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*grins at some of the replies*

i have arthritis, somewhat disabling. so, i need more aftercare than Sir's previous subs/play partners. or different aftercare, might be more accurate. we're working it out by trial and error, trying to find what works. i've been really specific since day one about what i need, what works, what doesn't work. yet we always end up banging heads about aftercare. i just say, "i'm not any other sub you've played with, i'm me."

sometimes 2 days later i hit a second drop, where i need a long nap and some ibuprofen. but generally, a blanket and some cuddles immediately afterwards are always a good thing, with public play, cuddles are the last thing Sir will do, i end up pretty much alone and shaking. so i'm trying to figure out if i'm just too needy, or he's just inexperienced with a sub with health issues that affect play.

also, always looking for creative aftercare ideas! i love reading about all the creative things people come up with.

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RE: how much is "too much" aftercare? - 1/14/2007 9:43:59 PM

SimplyMichael

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If he has trouble giving aftercare because it makes him feel less domly, try this. In my toy case I have a rolled up blanket. Sit or kneel at his feet in a very submissive way and just ask him to stroke your hair. It makes you feel taken care of and he can be all domly.

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RE: how much is "too much" aftercare? - 1/14/2007 9:44:21 PM

LadySeraphina

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Noah

quote:

ORIGINAL: Phoenix2raven

is there any such thing as too much aftercare?

Depends how long I spent beating the crap out of her, I suppose.

Usually I'm cool with just a blowjob and a footrub.

Damn, both my boy and I cracked up at that one, Noah!

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RE: how much is "too much" aftercare? - 1/14/2007 9:47:11 PM

LadySeraphina

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Phoenix2raven

*grins at some of the replies*

i have arthritis, somewhat disabling. so, i need more aftercare than Sir's previous subs/play partners. or different aftercare, might be more accurate. we're working it out by trial and error, trying to find what works. i've been really specific since day one about what i need, what works, what doesn't work. yet we always end up banging heads about aftercare. i just say, "i'm not any other sub you've played with, i'm me."

sometimes 2 days later i hit a second drop, where i need a long nap and some ibuprofen. but generally, a blanket and some cuddles immediately afterwards are always a good thing, with public play, cuddles are the last thing Sir will do, i end up pretty much alone and shaking. so i'm trying to figure out if i'm just too needy, or he's just inexperienced with a sub with health issues that affect play.

also, always looking for creative aftercare ideas! i love reading about all the creative things people come up with.

I don't see a good reason a loving Dom(me) wouldn't give you love and cuddles in public, but maybe that's just because of how proud I am to have my boy curled up with his head on my lap. ;)

As to your aftercare needs, I say you should stick to your guns. Serious arthritis isn't something you can just ignore. That would be like someone with fibromyalgia being told to just 'suck it up and keep going'. Bah. Again, this might just be me, but I like my subs whole and safe, and nurturing them is part of what gives me satisfaction.

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(in reply to Phoenix2raven)

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RE: how much is "too much" aftercare? - 1/15/2007 5:48:15 PM

classykindasassy

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I have seen women get another sub or Domme they know and like to do their cuddly aftercare. Yum! Arrange it in advance so she can be standing by, and not up on the cross or something.

Lady Seraphina, that pic makes me want to pee myself just looking at it!!!Nice!

< Message edited by classykindasassy -- 1/15/2007 5:49:38 PM >

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RE: how much is "too much" aftercare? - 1/15/2007 5:56:19 PM

kyraofMists

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I think it all depends on the person and can vary from situation to situation.

For myself, sometimes any aftercare beyond a drink is too much. The last time we played, after an internal regrouping period, hours of aftercare is what was wanted. In some ways he is still providing it because the play just drug up a lot of negative crap that I am still processing and working through. The play seemed to be a huge catalyst to pulling out internal baggage that needs to be sorted out.

It all depends on the situation.

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RE: how much is "too much" aftercare? - 3/5/2007 11:10:17 AM

bellanotte

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LadySeraphina, I am fairly new to the heavier scenes, and I have moderate fibromyalgia. I am wondering (as you mentioned fibromyalgia) what your thoughts are on fibro and BDSM play, or on fibro and aftercare?

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RE: how much is "too much" aftercare? - 3/5/2007 11:17:18 AM

cjenny

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bellanotte I have Lupus, Fibro & TMJ which requires a certain type of aftercare. That is a big part of why I don't play casually or with an unknown. I need about 4 days of rest after playing/scening.
IMO there is no such thing as too much aftercare, if someone needs that then they need that. I also don't think that someone needing extensive aftercare is someone that should'nt be playing.
Yes it makes it harder and communication is vital but it can be usually be worked around.

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RE: how much is "too much" aftercare? - 3/5/2007 12:16:50 PM

AquaticSub

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Phoenix2raven

is there any such thing as too much aftercare? (if the sub is asking the Dom for care because she still feels sore/hurt/vulnerable/needs to process etc.)

Too much cuddles? That concept makes my brain hurt... I always want cuddles and love!

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RE: how much is "too much" aftercare? - 3/5/2007 12:17:32 PM

CreativeDominant

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Phoenix2raven

is there any such thing as too much aftercare? (if the sub is asking the Dom for care because she still feels sore/hurt/vulnerable/needs to process etc.)

Every person is different. Health issues are going to affect not only the play but the type of care needed after the play just as the bringing up of internal issues that were unplanned for can result in a need for something different than what was planned.

Like health care, some of it is based on experience and some of it is based on your own experience with this person. Yes, you can have drama queens and you can have just really needy submissives. I tend to stay away from those people as much as I can and I reserve hard scenes...be they physical or emotional...for a person that I know more than casually.

Noah...I have to say I like your idea...where IS the love for the dominant, after all?

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RE: how much is "too much" aftercare? - 3/5/2007 12:43:18 PM

toservez

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I am not sure what is meant by too much in terms of context. Certainly aftercare is important to both parties and types and lengths depend on a person to person basis.

For me depending on what type of play, scene or whatever you want to call it depends on what type or if any aftercare is needed. Somewhere between serious cuddle time to wanting zero done, including cuddles which does seem so wrong. :) Too much would come into play if my Master asking too many questions or wanting too much time spent together in situations that that affects me in a bad way. To me though that is hopefully not about too much but about learning as an M/s what is needed for both. Currently that is what me and my Master are learning as he sometimes is doing too much, erring on the side of caution.

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RE: how much is "too much" aftercare? - 3/5/2007 1:21:28 PM

ShiftedJewel

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I don't know, I'm one of those that has a warm blanket near by, a piece of rabbit fur to rub on their skin, a bottle of water, tissue, warm wash clothes. I'll squat and support their back with my shins, talk quietly to them.... But then twicehappy is quite content to melt into a puddle and just let her be until she finds her feet again, touching her in any way drives her up a wall... literally, she climbs walls. What works for one, may not work for another.

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RE: how much is "too much" aftercare? - 3/5/2007 3:21:54 PM

junecleaver

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At first, my partner and I had to find what worked for us. There were times when he gave TOO much of a certain type of aftercare like cuddling, talking, or whatever. And I didn't give enough to him. We've eventually found a good balance through trial and error. I think it's a mix of compatibility and being willing to work together. Generally, I lay my head in his lap and he plays with my hair while we both come back into a more 'normal' state of mind. We say ooey gooey lovey dovey type things and reassure each other that we are okay and that we are better for the experiences we just had. I've played with people who didn't give me enough aftercare and really weren't capable of giving me what I needed. So I stopped playing with them because it wasn't working for me. If you aren't getting what you need, communicate those needs. If it ends up being 'too much' then maybe you should re-evaluate your choice of partners.

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