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RE: Spotting a Fake Dom - 2/13/2007 7:45:16 AM

Posts: 1675
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Tidewater, VA
Status: offline

Dear N.-

The advice others have given is sound, but I'd like to highlight a few points that jumped out at me from your narrative:

quote:

He had gone upstate on saturday and then gotten back on monday. He had no access to email, text or cell.

Upstate where? Ubekistan? I'd find it unlikely that her was out of cell range the entire time. If I had a first date for the next day, and was leaving town, I'd sure check in and let someone know I might be out of range.While I really can't say as to good/bad/fake/real, for me, dominant implies a certain level of responsibilty, even in the early stages of interaction.

quote:

choosing a restaurant (vegetarian, for him)

Sheesh. REAL doms eat meat.

quote:

I finally made it clear to him that I had taken that day--and him--really seriously and that didn't trust him and needed to think about seeing him again. He said okay and signed off, but not before sending me some naked pictures of himself. (exhibitionist, not totally my thing)

Later, he IM'd me again and said that he had re-read my dirty letter and loved every part of it.

Again, a matter of style more than a judgement, but IMX, a 'good' dominant will not push himself- if he's good, and he's in NYC, he's in demand, and wouldn't spend the time beating a dead horse. Also, while I am a bit of an exhibtionist, and I do have some nude photos, I can't imagine sending them to anyone without a request.

quote:

1. Whether I should meet him again or fish elsewhere for a dom

I can't believe you'd ask this given the above- The guy is definately clueless, desperate, and likely married or involved. The good ones are rare, but you shouldn't be clinging to what seems to be nothing more than a passing fantasy to him.

Stay warm,
Lawrence

_____________________________

-there is no remission without blood-

(in reply to novicecourtesan)

RE: Spotting a Fake Dom - 2/13/2007 8:12:17 AM

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline

I prefer not to use the word fake but instead substitute noncompatible. He might be perfect for someone else who is also very spontaneous and runs off without thinking at the drop of a hat. He might also be married. The truth is that there is no way to know.

If you think he still has possibilities of being compatible with you, then stick to nonsexual conversations only from now on. If he's serious, then he'll wait for you to regain some trust in him and he'll start treating you with respect. If he doesn't then he isn't the one for you.

(in reply to novicecourtesan)

RE: Spotting a Fake Dom - 2/13/2007 10:18:46 AM

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Joined: 9/14/2006
Status: offline

Whew, Now that's a tall order of Crap.

The issue of wheather he was truly a real Dom or not

Who cares, Mark it up to experience, and move on. He has issues of his own that only a professional therapist can deal with.

You're much wiser and better without that problem.

(in reply to novicecourtesan)

RE: Spotting a Fake Dom - 2/13/2007 10:58:40 AM

Posts: 949
Joined: 9/28/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: novicecourtesan

As for "true dom" or "fake dom," I withdraw the whole thing in fear of a huge semantic debate. As I've said before, the vocabulary is as new to me as everything else.

Oh wow....you must have already figured this group out! They LOVE a healthy debate. And yes, it is a process..damn vocabulary, and we have all been there. I think i am still there, infact. LOL

_____________________________

"You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back." Barbara De Angelis

(in reply to novicecourtesan)

RE: Spotting a Fake Dom - 2/13/2007 11:08:50 AM

Posts: 32
Joined: 1/23/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

I would go to a munch so you know how real people approach this lifestyle if what you desire is a real relationship with D/s as a core element.

This is one of the best bits of advice. Often community lifestyle groups (there are usally one or more in most cities) have a 'new sub orientation' packet or some such. You can also talk to many other subs and compare notes and experiences. And you can learn by watching (and participating safely) at community play parties. This will all help you identify traits and qualities in Doms by seeing them 'in the wild' so to speak.

< Message edited by Knight0Errant -- 2/13/2007 11:11:17 AM >

(in reply to juliaoceania)

RE: Spotting a Fake Dom - 2/13/2007 11:09:14 AM

yugla

Posts: 67
Joined: 1/14/2005
Status: offline

Novice, you have already answered your questions by posting this and replies here have reiterated your answer for the most part,

1a No
1b Collarme is no better than any other web sight. Try real life, events, and munchies. NYC has many events & groups. DSF, ~ TIC, clubs, Paddles (if you can tolerate the foreign voyeurs gawking)
2 No
3a If a woman learns anything from this they should be reading dating 101 before reading BDSM 666.
3b From your writing and what you say: Yes OBVIOUS flags and no mistakes on your part. In fact it sounds as though you put the worm on the hook. Very well said.

(in reply to novicecourtesan)

RE: Spotting a Fake Dom - 2/13/2007 11:32:01 AM

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

"fake", as in, not "really"...well, this slave has met Doms and also subs who seemed to be anything but in every sort of way, yet still insist vehemently on the "title", so for them, it must be real, que no?
it doesn't mean this slave has to agree with them, or is compelled to try to convince them they aren't accurately describing their nature with their choice of title, just that our realities are not the same, and this slave is cool with that.
as far as continuing contact that might lead to a potential relationship with someone who this slave thought wasn't self-realized and true to their own identity? Not a chance.

(in reply to novicecourtesan)

RE: Spotting a Fake Dom - 2/13/2007 11:39:41 AM

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Joined: 2/24/2004
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Not only fake "doms" but many more "fakesubs/slaves" in my opinion but of courses we all have one..she and I get so much bull shit mails from "fakes" EVEN MAIL FROM MASTERS/DOMS WANTING HER TO DOM THEM ..BULLSHIT mail comes in just about equally split between doms and subs...WHEN mail begains with "what is a typical day like for your slaves in the first or second is the tip off..steel

< Message edited by MASTERSTEEL -- 2/13/2007 11:41:16 AM >

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

RE: Spotting a Fake Dom - 2/13/2007 11:42:34 AM

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MASTERSTEEL

Not only fake "doms" but many more "fakesubs/slaves" in my opinion but of courses we all have one..she and I get so much bull shit mails from "fakes" EVEN MAIL FROM MASTERS/DOMS WANTING HER TO DOM THEM ..BULLSHIT mail comes in just about equally split between doms and subs...WHEN mail begains with "what is a typical day like for your slaves in the first or second is the tip off..steel

Hmmm, what happens when the people you are calling "fake" call you the same thing? Wow, the paradoxes of that!

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to MASTERSTEEL)

RE: Spotting a Fake Dom - 2/13/2007 11:47:02 AM

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Joined: 8/30/2006
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I know what I am,,,steel

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STEP INTO MY DARKNESS AND LET THE LIGHT OF YOUR SUBMISSION SHINE..

(in reply to juliaoceania)

RE: Spotting a Fake Dom - 2/13/2007 11:50:58 AM

Posts: 268
Joined: 8/30/2006
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what are you then steel smiles..my baby brother of course...

_____________________________

STEP INTO MY DARKNESS AND LET THE LIGHT OF YOUR SUBMISSION SHINE..

(in reply to hammernhoney)

RE: Spotting a Fake Dom - 2/13/2007 12:11:54 PM

Posts: 52
Joined: 10/23/2006
Status: offline

Dominance in no way precludes good manners. In fact IMHO if you cannot control yourself enough to display common courtesy, you have no business attempting to control others. Persons on the internet are like buses, if you don't like the one you see, hang outon the cyber corner and another will be along soon enough

(in reply to hammernhoney)

RE: Spotting a Fake Dom - 2/13/2007 12:22:48 PM

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

You're looking for answers that you already know. Go with your gut. You're worth more.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
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-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to novicecourtesan)

RE: Spotting a Fake Dom - 2/13/2007 12:35:11 PM

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: hammernhoney

I know what I am,,,steel

I was not intending to question who you were, I was just mentally musing on how people determine what is true, real, and fake... how it seems a paradox that we all have differing ideas of what makes someone so. If you were insulted by what I posted please note I was not intending to offend you.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to hammernhoney)

RE: Spotting a Fake Dom - 2/13/2007 12:44:45 PM

Posts: 1
Joined: 2/8/2007
Status: offline

'Fake" is all subjective. For what is real for one is not real for another.. Many different styles in this life, and as long as both agree, who is to say what is real or not. In the case of online players, there are many who can only enjoy this life, through cyber. That even does not make him less or fake, it just makes Me sorry that they cannot have the opportunity to live out their needs. Are they the same as a realtime Dom/me. No, but as long as they are honest, they are not fake, just differnet
. Now there are the freaks who like to just hear the stories and get off on them. Easy to spot....ask lots of questions and be assertive in obtaining the answers. If a Dom/me does ot take time to get to know you and all they want to do is play cyber BDSM and they have not been up front about his...you obviously have a "fake" Dom/me..Empy promises, meet me at this time, W/we are going to start training, no pics, repeated excuses...are all dead give aways. Being new any "real" Dom/me, will generally ask you your limits and experinces with out excessive graphic detail. They will use keyswords such as follows....safeword, posturing, formal and relaxed pose, scening. If a Dom/me doesnot use these words at some point then they are either really new to the lifestyle or "fake".
Matriarch

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

RE: Spotting a Fake Dom - 2/13/2007 2:07:44 PM

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Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline

Sorry, but rarely do people suddenly just leave town for the weekend with no advance notice, and to someplace SO rural where he has no phone or computer contact? Ironically, that is EXACTLY the excuse my ex-husband gave me while he was cheating with someone....he was in upstate NY, no phone service, can't call, can't be called.

He couldn't leave you a quick email before he left...."something came up, can't make it, will call you when I get back!" ??? He couldn't text while on the way? Then, he comes back and acts like nothing happened....then gets frisky....then contrite....then sends naked pictures....sounds like he was fishing to see which would appeal to you so he could get more wank.

Test??? Test for what? Standing someone up is a test for something? That old "being tested" theory is nothing but an excuse to put up with bad treatment. Please don't fall for that one. If anything HE flunked the "decent human being" test, IMO.

We can label him whatever way we want to, Dom, fake dom, not dom, bad dom, whatever, but he's an online player, and probably has a wife. You are too good for him, please move on and don't waste any more time on him!

< Message edited by windchymes -- 2/13/2007 2:12:17 PM >

_____________________________

You know it's going to be a GOOD blow job when she puts a Breathe Right strip on first.

Pick-up artists and garbage men should trade names.

(in reply to novicecourtesan)

RE: Spotting a Fake Dom - 2/13/2007 2:12:05 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: windchymes

Sorry, but rarely do people suddenly just leave town for the weekend with no advance notice, and to someplace SO rural where he has no phone or computer contact?

Unless they are a hick like me.

Never know when I will toss the camping gear into the truck and head out for a weekend. Lots of places around here don't get cell phone service. I found the hard way.

But yeahhhhhhh, sounds like an excuse.......except when I say it.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to windchymes)

RE: Spotting a Fake Dom - 2/13/2007 2:14:31 PM

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Joined: 4/18/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

quote:

ORIGINAL: windchymes

Sorry, but rarely do people suddenly just leave town for the weekend with no advance notice, and to someplace SO rural where he has no phone or computer contact?

Unless they are a hick like me. Never know when I will toss the camping gear into the truck and head out for a weekend. Lots of places around here don't get cell phone service. I found the hard way.

But yeahhhhhhh, sounds like an excuse.......except when I say it.

Aw, I know better

You'd be decent enough to at least leave a short message SOMEWHERE if you'd made big plans with someone!

_____________________________

You know it's going to be a GOOD blow job when she puts a Breathe Right strip on first.

Pick-up artists and garbage men should trade names.

(in reply to LaTigresse)

RE: Spotting a Fake Dom - 2/13/2007 2:46:37 PM

Posts: 1953
Joined: 11/27/2004
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2 cents from another Hick. Lot's of places have no phones, no cell reception and no computers if you dont use wireless. BUT, the lack of Cortsey would make me think real hard if I could believe him a second time he showed up.

_____________________________

The problem with communication ... is the illusion that it has been accomplished. ~George Bernard Shaw

(in reply to windchymes)

RE: Spotting a Fake Dom - 2/13/2007 2:50:43 PM

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Joined: 2/5/2004
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Hey leather sounds like you have gotten on and off too many cyber buses a few times too many yourself.

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US going to hell in a hand basket/

(in reply to leathersmith)

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