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RE: Spotting a Fake Dom - 2/13/2007 3:05:35 PM

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I understand that there ARE places without phone and computer service. And I didn't say it was impossible, I said it was rare, and it is. My stress is on the fact that he would have to have left town that suddenly, and, since he's in NYC? How many hours would he have to travel (in NYC traffic) to reach those "out-of-contact" places? Since he made a bunch of elaborate plans with her, any decent person would get some kind of message out to the party who was being stood up. I still do not believe he didn't have 30 seconds to send a quick message of some kind. Or have common courtesies just become out of fashion?

And THEN.....on the minute possibility that it really did go down that way.....wouldn't he get a message to her right away upon returning, and be at least a little bit apologetic and contrite??? "Oh God, I am so sorry! This emergency came up and we had to jump in the car and go....." But instead, he just acts like nothing happened. There are too many holes in his story, and we just make way too many excuses for people's far-fetched behavior.

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RE: Spotting a Fake Dom - 2/13/2007 3:41:53 PM

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It happens the other way around as well.
I used to blame myself for not being a good enough Domme.
I make mistakes but if the person I am trying to form a relationship with just doesn't want that then nothing I can do will alter that fact.
I may very well get shot down for this but I think that just like in vanilla life in general men want to play and women want relationships. That is until they get a lot older and realise that they may very well be left on the shelf very soon. I believe that true D/s can only take place within a relationship. Handing over control for a few hours is not the same as handing over complete control over your life. However it also worries me when someone wants to hand me complete control over their lives after one or two mails. Now then the red flag flies very high indeed.
He obviously wasn't trustworthy whatever the reason. Next time you find someone you might like I suggest you keep the talk about sex to a minimum until you know him well. I did the same thing though when I thought I was submissive. So please don't beat yourself up about it. We all make mistakes and we hopefully learn from them.

(in reply to novicecourtesan)

RE: Spotting a Fake Dom - 2/13/2007 8:57:25 PM

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Have you ever given any thought that maybe he wasn't a FAKE dom but a dom that was as scared as you were and he finally decided just not to respond. But later after returning he knew he had made a serious mistake by at least e-mailing you or phoning to say he could'nt go through with it.
Sometimes Dom's get uneasy also. Yes I know all of the hype an CRAPIOLA, that a Dom is supposed to be in control of himself. But really, Men do suffer as well as Subs/ slaves.
The key is to never let it show through, SO... Maybe it was just too much for him to bear.

(in reply to lateralist1)

RE: Spotting a Fake Dom - 2/13/2007 8:59:28 PM

michaelOfGeorgia

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i think that a fake Dom(me) on any ot these sites are the ones that change their profiles numerous times in one day. or they have multiple profiles on one site

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RE: Spotting a Fake Dom - 2/14/2007 1:25:46 AM

obey1

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MASTERSTEEL

WHEN mail begains with "what is a typical day like for your slaves in the first or second is the tip off..

Huh? Are you talking about the mails you get or the mails she might get?

(in reply to MASTERSTEEL)

RE: Spotting a Fake Dom - 2/14/2007 1:27:25 AM

obey1

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quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetnspicey

Being new any "real" Dom/me, will generally ask you your limits and experinces with out excessive graphic detail. They will use keyswords such as follows....safeword, posturing, formal and relaxed pose, scening. If a Dom/me doesnot use these words at some point then they are either really new to the lifestyle or "fake".

Huh? Are you posturing or formal in that statement?

(in reply to sweetnspicey)

RE: Spotting a Fake Dom - 2/14/2007 1:28:46 AM

obey1

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

yeahhhhhhh, sounds like an excuse.......except when I say it.

LOL, wink wink!

(in reply to LaTigresse)

RE: Spotting a Fake Dom - 2/14/2007 1:31:03 AM

obey1

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quote:

ORIGINAL: lateralist1
Handing over control for a few hours is not the same as handing over complete control over your life.

Well said.

As an aside, I still do not believe that this was any sort of valid 'test' like that. Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!!!!

(in reply to lateralist1)

RE: Spotting a Fake Dom - 2/14/2007 1:31:58 AM

SirDiscipliner69

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I think you can spot a fake dom by the synthetic leporad skin shirt and pants he is wearing instead of the real animal skin.

Ross
©º°¨¨°º©

(in reply to obey1)

RE: Spotting a Fake Dom - 2/14/2007 1:35:11 AM

obey1

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Shadows4Dom

Have you ever given any thought that maybe he wasn't a FAKE dom but a dom that was as scared as you were and he finally decided just not to respond. But later after returning he knew he had made a serious mistake by at least e-mailing you or phoning to say he could'nt go through with it.
Sometimes Dom's get uneasy also. Yes I know all of the hype an CRAPIOLA, that a Dom is supposed to be in control of himself. But really, Men do suffer as well as Subs/ slaves.
The key is to never let it show through, SO... Maybe it was just too much for him to bear.

That is just ILL. In that case, drop him like a hot lava rock.

(in reply to Shadows4Dom)

RE: Spotting a Fake Dom - 2/14/2007 1:53:03 AM

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A real dom shows that in any conversation about the subject, he takes a safe and comfertable approach to the sub,
as obey1 stated it is all about experience in the lifstyle.
in my experience safety (making your sub feel safe and comfertable is sacred)

(in reply to obey1)

RE: Spotting a Fake Dom - 2/14/2007 7:28:41 PM

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quote:

One can always call with an excuse like a sudden family illness if one wants to cancel.

Ain't it the truth! I've killed a grandmother, a father and a dog! If I thought it were true, I wouldn't be laughing.!!

(in reply to touchthesky)

RE: Spotting a Fake Dom - 2/14/2007 7:39:28 PM

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From: Nashville, TN
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quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetnspicey
Being new any "real" Dom/me, will generally ask you your limits and experinces with out excessive graphic detail. They will use keyswords such as follows....safeword, posturing, formal and relaxed pose, scening. If a Dom/me doesnot use these words at some point then they are either really new to the lifestyle or "fake".
Matriarch

Where in the rulebook is this written exactly?
I dont use those words, I avoid buzzwords, actually. They are no more a way to find a fake than anything else.

I would agree that extended conversations that never move beyond the kink of the situation might be a flag, but aside from that there realy isnt a hard and fast way to spot a fake.

The one flag I have always found is that if you want to meet, and you suggest a vanilla first meeting somewhere noncommital... fakes back down. They dont want to waste the time with a first meeting that way. Thats why its what I insist on. It weeds a lot of the garbage out.

DV

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(in reply to sweetnspicey)

RE: Spotting a Fake Dom - 2/14/2007 7:46:05 PM

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I hate to be crude (not to mention shallow), but for goodness sake, LOOK IN THE MIRROR!!!

How in the world did he just happen to go upstate when he had a date to meet you?!

Fake or not, a dominant or not, whatever. If he chose to go somewhere else instead of meeting you as he'd planned, it's a pretty sure fire bet that he wasn't really interested. And if he wasn't really interested, he just couldn't have been as intelligent and serious and all that as you originally thought he was. (for my money, he had to be a darn idiot!!)

Anyway, what I'm suggesting is to start trying to find munches in your area. You know for yourself, meeting face to face tells you so much more about the person than talking online ever could, and since you're still so new, I'm thinking it'd be a better bet to be able to use all your senses in determining what someone is like than just your ability to read what they write.

As you are a writer, you know full well how people can be swayed by the written word. Do yourself a favor and don't allow that to happen. Find the munches and go to them. In the area that you're in, they are SURELY around somewhere.

Above all, please please please be patient. There are far too many submissives out there with horror stories that they will admit can be traced directly back to their lack of patience. I'm one of them. It'd be nice if you got to the point of NOT being new without your own version of the newbie horror story.

juliet

< Message edited by julietsierra -- 2/14/2007 7:48:47 PM >

(in reply to novicecourtesan)

RE: Spotting a Fake Dom - 2/14/2007 7:52:27 PM

novicecourtesan

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an update...

I have taken most of the advice on this forum and limited our contact to vanilla IM's. He was very disappointed, but I have not heard from him. I simply don't think he was apologetic enough--he's focusing more on being sweet so I'll start writing the erotic emails again and agree to see him. I've been too busy to IM him.

I don't know if he's fake or real, but I have and am still trying to be honest and real. I don't know if it's a sign that valentine's day has come and gone without a word--I'm not much for V-day--but my alarm bells went off. I'd like a dom to be sensitive to my needs and my hurts especially when I try to communicate them clearly. So whether he's "real" or not, I don't trust him, and he's not trying to give me an additional reason to trust or want him agani.

As for the sexy emails--I didn't see it as a submissive thing. I just sort of like it, lol! But I won't jump into that so quickly again. I'll save my talent for erotica for someone who deserves it...

I would love to go to munches...I'm in NYC so there's TEL...but that begs the question--if there are men with similar intentions at these munches, how do I spot them (other than any vanilla indication of disrespectfulness, crudeness or insincerity)? Just thought I'd throw that out there....

thanks again, everyone!

< Message edited by novicecourtesan -- 2/14/2007 8:15:31 PM >

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

RE: Spotting a Fake Dom - 2/14/2007 8:21:28 PM

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Pretty much if he is a fuckin troll.... no... wait.

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RE: Spotting a Fake Dom - 2/14/2007 8:34:58 PM

obey1

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quote:

ORIGINAL: novicecourtesan

if there are men with similar intentions at these munches, how do I spot them (other than any vanilla indication of disrespectfulness, crudeness or insincerity)? Just thought I'd throw that out there....

Munches typically do not have a 'bunch' of new people all at once. Anyone who is there more than a few times has most likely had several interviews by the other attendees. Best practice is to find the coordinator, introduce yourself and ask them to introduce you to some quality people there. They are not going to pass you off on a newbie who is untested in conversation or in practice.

There are obvious 'leaders' at munches, they usually have people gathered near them. The ones to watch out for are the ones all by themselves off somewhere. I'd say find a few female friends there and hang out with them. It will only be a matter of time until they give you their advice or opinion about anyone, etc.

Take the first munch to make friends and as been said 3x already, be patient.

(in reply to novicecourtesan)

RE: Spotting a Fake Dom - 2/14/2007 9:02:55 PM

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(fastreply to the OP)

I think it boils down to this: Don't let a "Dom" get away with something you wouldn't let a regular guy get away with. Submissive or not, you deserve to be respected in the same way you would in a vanilla relationship -- at least until a time comes where you choose to let him in on the power exchange.

RE: Munches

Seriously. Ask someone. You'll be able to tell who the bad people are, and honestly, if someone has a bad reputation, (at least in most groups around here) they end up getting [kicked] out of the group.

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(in reply to obey1)

RE: Spotting a Fake Dom - 2/14/2007 10:44:15 PM

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I am going to answer this all in a quick summary, because in my search for a cuckold I have seen the same things......Girl the man is married! If I am wrong I will buy him dinner at the Middle Eastern restaurant! He's trying to dabble where his wife won't go. If you can not reach a man on evenings or most weekends, he's married! You deserve better, do not give him anymore time of your precious day, and good luck.

(in reply to novicecourtesan)

RE: Spotting a Fake Dom - 2/14/2007 11:33:12 PM

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novice cortesan. i am not clear on your last post.are you agreeing to see him again or just pretending to? i will just pass on something i saw on a page when i first started internet dating. this man said that when u puzzle over the why of someones inexplicable actions you just need to block them and move on, if its puzzling that means it is deceptive

(in reply to MistressMoirae)

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