stella41b
Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline
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What is it with executive stress toys?
Two metal balls... CLACK! CLACK! CLACK! CLACK!
But do they work? I mean, your friend is there.. 'I'm so stressed, I'm at uni, it's the end of the semester, I've got six exams..'
And you're there.. I can help you CLACK! CLACK! CLACK! CLACK!
It was much easier when you just had pen and paper. The only people who could write in the beginning were monks. They were copying the Bible. They didn't have any problems downloading, or configuring XP. Lots of monks would sit in rooms copying Bibles, this was your first photocopier. But you never needed the guy to come round and repair them.. 'Oh no, they're Bropthers, I only do Canon.'
And do you think the monks photocopied each other's arses at the Christmas do? It's like ''Ere Bruv, do me arse, do me arse and we'll send it...'
But these days it's hobos and tramps who have the highly sophisticated system of communication. You see them coming towards you in the town centre, staggering, going 'Oh dar bazdaz wukk!' Go to any other city and you'll see a tramp in the centre saying the same thing, staggering down the street, dribbling, traces of vomit, communicating with each other. They've got their own language going. We have Bluetooth.. they have Browntooth. It's the same sort of thing. You see them walking up the street going 'Hnng! Gnnn!" He's trying to get a signal. You see them mumbling into bins.. 'Bath da ba darr' That's broadband. You see them on a park bench, sitting there 'Eeh yah gnnn..' Logging on.
But it's like with the dial phones. Who's brilliant idea was it to put the emergency number at the end - 999? 'Hello? ... One moment... No he's just died..' It's like if there's trouble at sea, they launch the lifeboat, save time.. why not keep the lifeboat in the water? It's a boat, isn't it? I mean, what would happen if they had to get the ambulance out of the garage first?
The emergency services are crazy. You call the police because someone is hanging around outside your house, and they say the same thing.
'Has he done anything yet?'
'No."
'But we can't do anything unless he'd done something.'
'But that's too late. What if he breaks in and kills me?'
'Then you should definitely call us. Because he has done something.'
Ity's like aggravated assault. Of course it's aggravated, it's assault. You can't have a mild-mannered assault now can you? This bloke comes up to you, 'Erm, I'm sorry, I'm a bit shy, could I possibly have your wallet please?' 'Alright I know it was terrible, I shouldn't have done it, I know...'
And have you ever had a phone conversation with someone who has kids? That's brilliant, isn't it?
You're there, mid-conversation with them... 'yeah right.. PUT THAT DOWN!! ..'
It's like they're possessed or something. 'Hello GET DOWN NOW DAMIEN!! DO YOU WANT A SPANKING?'
And what about the fuckers who call us up 24/7 trying to sell us financial services? You get an obscene caller, you feel ever so relieved, at least you're getting something for free.
'What are you wearing?' It's like those premium rate sex chat lines on TV, they always ask the same thing. 'What can I do for you?'
Er, you can call me back for a start. It's much cheaper.
And every product nowadays has a helpline. Shampoo has a helpline. What do you need a helpline for shampoo for? 'Hello, I'm in the shower... What do I do now? No I haven't turned the water on yet...' Even Durex have got a helpline. I mean, when do you call Durex? Is it not 'Wait a minute! Hmmph hmmph hmmph.. Too late!'
Even the NHS have a Helpline. What if you've chopped your hand off? You can't dial. The NHS have also now got a website.
But it all comes back to porn, especially on the Internet. It's like the search engines have all got Tourette's Syndrome, where terms lead back to something pornographic. Type in 'cabbages'.. and you get 'cabbages', 'spring cabbage', 'hot penetration with root vegetables..' Try 'cheap flights' and you get 'cheap flights' and also 'cheap flights' and also 'cheap pussy'.
However in a normal situation, such as at Walmart or Sainsbury's, you'd get locked u8p for that. You don't go up to customer service and the woman asks 'do you want this carrot up yopur ass?' or 'bondage bondage'?
But if you go on the NHS website and you're ill the website will now give you six suggestions as to why you're ill. You only need one illness but now potentially you're dead. But you know, if you go down to casualty you know that by the time you get seen you will be well again.
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http://stella.baker.tripod.com/
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RE: I hate it when........ - 
have enough of it for now 
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(though I will miss you lot during that time I can tell you...) so just have to try to work the remaining 3 weeks each week enough to be able to pay my bills...
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