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RE: Someone finding out about your lifestyle - 5/8/2007 10:02:38 PM

Posts: 601
Joined: 1/14/2007
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Well, I don't use this nickname unless I am on a kink site so how she found out if she did I don't know. She said she wasn't the one that found it that it was a friend of hers. So, I don't know what all she knows. I put a pic up because I think it is fair if others have pics up that I also have a pic up. Maybe I am wrong and maybe I could change it probably will now that this has happened will have to change it just in case it gets around to others.

_____________________________

http://www.myspace.com/zindygirl

Only when you see the invisible can you do the impossible.

(in reply to adoracat)

RE: Someone finding out about your lifestyle - 5/8/2007 10:20:21 PM

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I was actually concerned at being outed...but for my Daddy's sake, not mine. Everyone who knows me, knows that there's gotta be something spicy going on behind closed doors. But, He actually made the decision to come out to His best friend...and it's been a wonderful experience. You can just tell that He feels unburdened.

I told you that, so that you can understand what I'm going to tell you now. Allow yourself to feel unburdened. If people know...they know. You can't undo what's been done.

If someone asks you an inappropriate question, respond with, "Excuse me, but I'm sure that I didn't hear you correctly. Can you please repeat that." Generally, they'll tone it down or just shut up.

And, small towns can be tough, but she's gotta live there too. At some point, someone is going to ask the question..."and how did you find this out?" She is probably just trying to get under your skin, which you allowed her to do...and then you let her know that she did. It'll pass, if you allow it too. Someone else will be more exciting tomorrow.

_____________________________

~spanklette~

"The important thing is this: to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become. " Charles du Bois

"Please don't shout, can't you see I'm not listening." Billie Myers

(in reply to zindyslave)

RE: Someone finding out about your lifestyle - 5/9/2007 12:12:50 AM

Posts: 65
Joined: 2/24/2007
From: Las Vegas
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: zindyslave

When there are things on the internet and people are nosy they find these things. She said a 'friend' of hers seen a personal ad that my husband/Master but up on a vanilla site where we are looking for a woman to just have some fun with. She also said there were a couple of more sites that she didn't tell me about, more like wouldn't tell me about, and she said they were disgusting sites. Which since she is highly vanilla I could only think of the bdsm sites I go to. (I could be wrong tho) She also says I am not right with God because of my sexual interests, but if she is judging me then what does that say about her? But anyway, she went on to say other things that are not even related. What I want to know why does she even care what goes on in side my bedroom? I don't really have many friends up here but I am working up here and people up here I would say most if not all of them are vanilla, it is a close knit everyone knows everyone else type of town, I am afraid that people will find out where I work and that it might just get me fired even tho I work retail sometimes peoples prejudices come out. I like my job and don't want to risk it, should I just say if someone asks that I don't know what they are talking about or should I just be honest?

i have not read all the responces to you yet but i can say one thing. In your sig line you have a link to both myspace and your yahoo 360. these are pretty easy to find, specialy with your name. In the myspace you state your bi and your group is a BDSM group. your yahoo 360 is pretty clear your into BDSM or at least D/s. Maybe this is how she discoverd it. my suggestion to you is if you don't want people to know you should not advertise it in such public venues.

i know there are many people into BDSM and D/s that live in small towns or have high power jobs that do not wish the personal information to get out. However, i believe, and this is just my opinion, that the BDSM and D/s lifestyle is based on honor. i think honor is doing the right thing even when no one is watching. i think if your doing the right thing then you have nothing to be ashamed of and hence nothing to hide. There is nothing wrong with BDSM or D/s or being bi for that matter. Don't let her bother you. Be proud. Hold your hed up and say, "ok, and what bussiness is it of yours?" Honesty is always the best policey.

Before anyone asks yes i wear my collar always, even in public. i call my Master, Master, always, even three isles over in wal mart. my family, kids, and all my friend know the kind of life i live. No i don't work but my Master does and yes they all know as well.

my $0.02 worth, IMHO
Master Peter's

"A woman will always sacrifice herself if you give her the opportunity. It is her favourite form of self-indulgence.” - William Somerset Maugham

(in reply to zindyslave)

RE: Someone finding out about your lifestyle - 5/9/2007 1:11:05 AM

Posts: 8
Joined: 3/15/2007
Status: offline

After reading this thread, I feel pretty lucky. My mom's known for at least 15 years and the only comment I got from her when she found out was to be careful. Only a two of our friends know for sure, but I'm pretty sure there are a few others who suspect, and only one that I think would be truly judgemental about it.
As for the original post, I have to say that if you don't want people to know about your involvement in this lifestyle, don't put a bdsm group in the interests section of your myspace page. I don't have any experience with yahoo360, but myspace is a pretty openly public forum and I wouldn't count on keeping anything a secret once you've posted it there.

Paintslave

(in reply to adoracat)

RE: Someone finding out about your lifestyle - 5/9/2007 2:23:48 AM

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Joined: 7/9/2006
Status: offline

I'm pretty sure you can't lose your job for being bisexual? Its horrible when soomeone threatens your privacy and I imagine in a small town it could be bad too.
I'm not sure what advice I could give you as I haven't been in this situation before. I hate hiding who I am from people. Upto yesterday the only people who didnt know what my lifestyle entails were my grandparents and my mum. I'm not doing anything I'm ashamed off even my boss knows Im domme and I childmind for her kids and she hasnt battered an eyelid.
I did however by accident tell my mum about what I do and when I realised what I had done I felt sick waiting for her to say something to me. I showed her a peice of my college work that I scored really highly in forgetting I refer to my lifestyle choices quite a lot in it

She just said are you sure I should be reading this and I still didnt realsie till I sat and ate my tea and then went bright red and said oh yeah you probably should'nt of read that and she just laughed. She was the one person I was worried about knowing more than anyone, I wish I had given her credit before now and shared it with her sooner, she has no comment about it its non of her business what I get upto and said as much so panic over after all lol.
I guess what I'm trying to say is its not always as bad as you think its going to be if you do out yourself by accident.

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Proud mistress

(in reply to Paintslave)

RE: Someone finding out about your lifestyle - 5/9/2007 2:30:29 AM

Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
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Ahhh the joys of living in a small town - where everyone knows everyone else and skeletons are taken out of the closet with alarming regularity to be dusted and aired!!!

I live in a small town as well.

You do the only thing you can do...

You either lie and say you don't know what in the world this poor soul who seems to need so much attention that they'll generate rumors about people they don't like is talking about

Or you smile and admit that everyone has little things about themselves they'd rather not have others find out about and weather the storm. I guarantee you, this will pass the moment someone else with a juicier tidbit comes along. In the meantime, you'll have some rough moments though.

Or, you smile and say nothing

Or you just look confused and say "what does "bi" mean? And if someone's so silly as to explain it to you, just continue to look confused and say "so.. does this mean that because we're friends I'm bi and you're bi? I don't get it." And keep on "not getting it" till they all think you're dumb as a log and couldn't be what that person said because they had to explain it to you in the first place.

Living in a small town requires skills that people in cities never even thought of.

... and they think WE'RE slow...

lol

juliet

(in reply to Paintslave)

RE: Someone finding out about your lifestyle - 5/9/2007 3:06:40 AM

Areflectionofyou

Posts: 258
Joined: 4/4/2006
Status: offline

take your picture off sites like yahoo...people can find anyone there

(in reply to zindyslave)

RE: Someone finding out about your lifestyle - 5/9/2007 8:23:13 AM

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Eruditegirl

A person only has as much control over you or your life as you give them....and sounds as if you are giving her way to much power....

This is my comment exactly...and I know this from experience. Fear is a powerful thing. Once you work through fear, it no longer has power over you. Look at WHY you fear being outed. What's the worse that could happen? If the worst isn't something you can handle, you need to consider making yourself more private.

As for the suggestions about how to treat her...doing negative things that stoop to her level is simply you acting out of anger, which is another form of fear. They might be funny and, in the short term, satisfying, but you're still feeding negative energy into the situation. Consider simply letting it go, as LA has said. It's that simple...and that hard.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
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Ms Relationship Books
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BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to Eruditegirl)

RE: Someone finding out about your lifestyle - 5/9/2007 8:30:29 AM

Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline

You cannot take action against anyone who finds out shit about you on the internet....You cannot take the approach of what were you doing out there?...You must be kinky as well! It doesn't hold water! I browse sites from conservative, liberal, white pride, Tavis Smiley, fishing as well as many others.... Some I might have an interest in others I just wanted to see what is going on inside other peoples minds and also out of sheer curiosity. But by using this logic, based upon the sites that I have visited, people would assume I am a conservative liberal who is into white power but has some how developed an affinity for Tavis Smiley and in my down time I go fishing.

You can be discriminated against based upon sexual preference...You have no protection.

The best you can do is remove all pics...Do not have your online name paralell your actual one and start using common sense. Do you ever wonder why some folk out here won't even list what town they live in?

Many people out here don't care about the consequences of whatever actions they take....Others do.....If you are in the latter camp then it is time to start using common sense...It is not the fact that someone was "nosy" it is more attributable to you placing all of your information on a billboard and she just happened to drive down the right road....Start using your brain..

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(in reply to Areflectionofyou)

RE: Someone finding out about your lifestyle - 5/9/2007 10:36:12 AM

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Joined: 1/1/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: zindyslave

I just had someone that I didn't want finding out somethings about me like the fact that I am bisexual and she won't tell me what else she has learned about me. I live in a small town and she lives here to, she says I am disgusting among other things for the things she has found out and then she ended up insulting me endlessly. I don't like the idea that she will end up telling others I don't know for sure if she will or not. If you were in my shoes how would you deal with this?

I would approach the person and ask them what their real problem was with me. There really is nothing you can do to stop her from approaching others. Either hide in shame or announce to the world who you are and be proud of it.

I've recently had a moral issue thrust upon myself here as well. Six month's ago we moved to the midwest. I started my BDSM group up locally here. Met a man who "claims" his wife isn't into the scene. So he plays behind her back. (nothing new there) What is new. My current boss and I were talking the other day. As we drove by their house I mentioned Chris. Nothing beyond that I have met him.
He is my bosses sister is married to him.
I chose to remain silent on the issue. However it was more than a bit uncomfortable.
I wanted so badly to say...you know your brother in law is cheating on his wife right?

(in reply to zindyslave)

RE: Someone finding out about your lifestyle - 5/9/2007 10:42:05 AM

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Joined: 1/14/2007
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I have thought about this since I first posted it and some of you have made me realize I don't care who knows anymore it is who I am, and I could change it but then I wouldn't be me anymore. Thank you all for sharing your advice, and helping me sort this out.

_____________________________

http://www.myspace.com/zindygirl

Only when you see the invisible can you do the impossible.

(in reply to domiguy)

RE: Someone finding out about your lifestyle - 5/9/2007 10:47:19 AM

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Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
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quote:

ORIGINAL: zindyslave
But if you were in my shoes how would you deal with this?

My view is that anyone who comes onto a website like this and then outs someone else.....will then have to be explaining why they were on a website like this.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to zindyslave)

RE: Someone finding out about your lifestyle - 5/9/2007 11:20:55 AM

Posts: 11766
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quote:

ORIGINAL: zindyslave
...if you were in my shoes how would you deal with this?

move. small towns are filled with folks with small minds, who would rather talk behind someone's back about their delusions and judgements, rather than accept that there are folks who are not identical to them and that's OK.

it's also the perfect place for cheaters, abusers, frauds and religious zealots to find refuge from confrontation/exposure.

(in reply to zindyslave)

RE: Someone finding out about your lifestyle - 5/9/2007 12:04:40 PM

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Joined: 5/2/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: zindyslave
But if you were in my shoes how would you deal with this?

My view is that anyone who comes onto a website like this and then outs someone else.....will then have to be explaining why they were on a website like this.

Why? I have been on many websites that I only viewed out of curiousity....From the KKK to Rush Limbaugh and Fox News....I would consider the idea that I must some how be affiliated with any of their beliefs or interests to visit their sites to be absurd.

It would make for a very poor defense.

< Message edited by domiguy -- 5/9/2007 12:05:43 PM >

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RE: Someone finding out about your lifestyle - 5/9/2007 12:41:32 PM

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Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline

(fast reply)
I just went to both of your links zindy, and there is a ton of personal information there including that you are bi, have a master, into bdsm, your job, income, real name, schools and graduation years, etc. Anyone can take that info and use it how they wish, and anyone would be able to find you at your home in an instant. The more savy ones might be able to steal your identity with that much info. Please be careful what you put on the web.

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan

(in reply to Areflectionofyou)

RE: Someone finding out about your lifestyle - 5/9/2007 1:13:46 PM

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How could they find my home or still my identity with that info?

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http://www.myspace.com/zindygirl

Only when you see the invisible can you do the impossible.

(in reply to proudsub)

RE: Someone finding out about your lifestyle - 5/9/2007 1:18:25 PM

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Joined: 4/22/2007
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you work retail?
she is harrasing you. mention that you have grounds for getting her fired if not sued. this sort of shit is not taken lightly.
what was she doing looking on collarme or other similar sites annyways?

(in reply to adoracat)

RE: Someone finding out about your lifestyle - 5/9/2007 1:26:28 PM

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she doesn't work with me but I don't want her telling the business I work for these things. I have updated my sites and deleted info to make it more anonymous except for my pics, let me know what you think.

_____________________________

http://www.myspace.com/zindygirl

Only when you see the invisible can you do the impossible.

(in reply to fairdom23)

RE: Someone finding out about your lifestyle - 5/9/2007 3:19:40 PM

Posts: 619
Joined: 8/30/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: zindyslave

I have thought about this since I first posted it and some of you have made me realize I don't care who knows anymore it is who I am, and I could change it but then I wouldn't be me anymore. Thank you all for sharing your advice, and helping me sort this out.

I was very happy to read this, I can understand how hard small town living is. Your friend was obviously looking to find something about you, it sounds like she might have some homophobic issues of her own to contend with, or even the opposite.
If you try to hide who you are there will be some who will perceive hiding as being ashamed and if you are ashamed of who you are then you might need to do some soul searching, but it sounds like you are discovering your own path and that accepting yourself for who you are.

I'm very lucky, my friends know, my co-workers know. I don't flaunt being Bi or a submissive but if I am asked I answer honestly, my family knows and I have been incredibly fortunate to not have had any serious recourse for being open. I look at it this way, I don't ask what someone does in their private life unless I really want to hear it. Not to mention I know 'straight' couples who are way weirder than I am *g*

Keep up on this line of thinking, be proud of who you are, and if you do have to keep some things to yourself you might not want to use such high profile and not completly kink friendly sites as yahoo and myspace without it being known.

denika

< Message edited by denika -- 5/9/2007 3:22:04 PM >

(in reply to zindyslave)

RE: Someone finding out about your lifestyle - 5/9/2007 3:37:42 PM

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Joined: 6/28/2006
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i would deal with it by being 'just me', and my reputation as a person speak for itself...

i doubt there are many who might view me any 'differently' because of my psuedo/sexual nature. it doesn't impact their lives in any way so i highly doubt them knowing would have a huge impact on my world as i know it.

this is the year 2007 after-all, and even those in their 70's and 80's are learning 'acceptance' of things that even i can't seem to get past

(in reply to zindyslave)

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