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Discovering the truth about your female sub. - 5/16/2007 9:22:54 PM

stella40

Posts: 417
Joined: 1/11/2006
From: London, UK
Status: offline

This is a question for male Doms.

You have found what you believe to be the ideal female submissive, you get on with her, and she is everything you could ever want. You develop a close, meaningful D/s relationship with her.

Then one day you discover that she was a transsexual and much of her past was spent in male gender.

How would you react? Would it make any difference to your relationship?

_____________________________

I try to take one day at a time, but several days come and attack me at once. (Jennifer Unlimited)

If you can't be a good example then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.

Post #: 1

RE: Discovering the truth about your female sub. - 5/16/2007 9:32:38 PM

mstrjx

Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline

Somewhere along the way I considered this very thing. At the very first play party I went to, ages ago, I saw a 'woman' (who apparently wasn't or didn't used to be) that was incredibly sexy. Drop-dead gorgeous. I don't know who pointed it out, but I was advised of what I was seeing.

The situation never came up, but I considered that if I were 'that' attracted to 'her' (and I would say that transformation would have to be complete), that I would definitely consider it.

I would like to know up front, pretty soon into things. I'm not certain that finding out after the fact would be healthy for the relationship.

Jeff (who is apparently pretty open-minded)

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to stella40)

Post #: 2

RE: Discovering the truth about your female sub. - 5/16/2007 9:41:44 PM

HeavansKeeper

Posts: 1254
Joined: 5/14/2007
Status: offline

This has never happened to me, but I've been asked this in a vanilla sense at some point.

My answer, which applies as my would-be BDSM answer is as follows:

My trust would be broken, as I consider that an important part of someone's history.
I would realize that it's VERY hard to tell someone that, and would forgive them. I would insist that they always be upfront on the future. Personally, I would come to terms with the fact that I had a meaningful relationship with this person now. Her past is nothing more than the clues to who she became. I would embrace it. Everyone has dark patches in their past... Sometimes it's a sex change.

This information would be a new mile marker in our relationship. If she couldn't handle a lot of "you burp like a man" jokes, it wouldn't work out from there. Accepting something like that is a 2 way street.

(in reply to stella40)

Post #: 3

RE: Discovering the truth about your female sub. - 5/16/2007 9:42:24 PM

BlindDescent

Posts: 113
Joined: 9/26/2006
Status: offline

I tend to agree that later knowledge might be disastrous to trust and credibility. I have worked with a variety of transgendered / genderdysphoric patients over the years. We are all human with passionate feelings that beg to find a way to manifest. For me, it would have to depend on the individual to even consider the long term possibility. One should never say never; regardless of the consideration.

(in reply to mstrjx)

Post #: 4

RE: Discovering the truth about your female sub. - 5/16/2007 9:59:11 PM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

If the sex was good and I was as in love as you say, I would be fucking pissed but considering the emotional shit someone in that position has gone through I would probably stuff that down and deal with it later. I would be more concerned with ensuring that the person I loved was made stronger by the revelation, that they became more secure. In the long run, we would have to do some serious discussion around truth and trust but that could wait.

Imagine what being held, shown love and acceptance could do for a person in the position, what else could a loving person do?

(in reply to BlindDescent)

Post #: 5

RE: Discovering the truth about your female sub. - 5/16/2007 11:28:27 PM

aldompdx

Posts: 538
Joined: 10/24/2004
Status: offline

> found what you believe

Belief, faith and trust is more often misplaced than it is breached. Gain confidence through experience. Once again, this indicates a fear based relationship, where there is a lack of deep intimacy and openness. A sub/slave will never fully open their heart and truth to one who primarily inspires fear.

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 6

RE: Discovering the truth about your female sub. - 5/17/2007 4:15:42 AM

mythi

Posts: 257
Joined: 2/25/2007
From: Naples, FL
Status: offline

My initial reaction is that that must be one hell of a surgeon if the partner has been 'up close and personal' and not noticed 'something' different. Therefore I 'suspect' they perhaps already know or have their own suspicions about what's up. They should have tactfully and lovingly asked about it. But perhaps they have their own fears and insecurities. In any case, sooner with the truth is almost always better in my book, regardless of who brings it up.

_____________________________

“The truth doesn’t change based on our ability to stomach it.”
Flannery O’Connor

(in reply to aldompdx)

Post #: 7

RE: Discovering the truth about your female sub. - 5/17/2007 4:23:41 AM

MissOchistic

Posts: 315
Joined: 4/30/2007
Status: offline

I would be pissed as almighty hell., and really have to take a step back and evaluate our trust.

This is coming from someone who knows and loves several transgendered and transvestite friends and has been very attracted to a few. I myself, in fact, explored that avenue of myself a while back and still wonder sometimes if I made the right choice. I'm pretty sure, if nothing else, i should be considered a closet transvestite. So it's nothing against gender changes.

But that, to me, is a very huge part of a person. It would be like....well, i really can't think of anything comparable. It's not a bad thing, but it's the kind of thing that if left out, i would have to think they thought it a bad thing and were trying to hide it, and that means i just can't trust them as much.

_____________________________

"The amount i care for Thee
is more than two, but less than three."

"Submission is a potlatch."

(in reply to mythi)

Post #: 8

RE: Discovering the truth about your female sub. - 5/17/2007 5:03:57 AM

HeavansKeeper

Posts: 1254
Joined: 5/14/2007
Status: offline

Would it be like finding out they were once married? Or had an STD (Had meaning cured)? I know that it would really bring hammers to the crystal column of trust, but again I stress how hard it must be to tell someone that. There is a "reasonable period of time" in which someone should have informed their partner. If trust was building fast, it would be shorter. If the trust was constantly set back with unanswered phone calls, missed meetings, or other suspicious behavior, then the window is wider. It's unfair to expect that person to make it an early conversation thing. They know they put the wonderful relationship on the line for it. As a general average, I would expect news of that nature to come out between two months and eight months. Any shorter, and it could kill what would have been a great relationship which is unfair to the sub. Any longer and it hurts the trust, which is unfair to the Dom.

(in reply to MissOchistic)

Post #: 9

RE: Discovering the truth about your female sub. - 5/17/2007 5:07:42 AM

HutchGarahl

Posts: 562
Joined: 1/10/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: stella40

This is a question for male Doms.

You have found what you believe to be the ideal female submissive, you get on with her, and she is everything you could ever want. You develop a close, meaningful D/s relationship with her.

Then one day you discover that she was a transsexual and much of her past was spent in male gender.

I think my trust would definately be broken.

How would you react? Would it make any difference to your relationship?

Couldn't really say except i'd be a bit shocked. Wouldn't really know how to react unless it actually happened, though i'm not sure if it would end a relationship.

(in reply to stella40)

Post #: 10

RE: Discovering the truth about your female sub. - 5/17/2007 6:11:25 AM

MissOchistic

Posts: 315
Joined: 4/30/2007
Status: offline

Naturally. Some things take a lot of courage to talk about. i'm just going by the the OP herself said, that they had a "deep and meaningful" relationship.

To me, this is not quite like divorce or and STD....i don't think those things are quite as big a part of who a person truly is as a gender change is.

As for who they are, i don't find it changes from pre-op to post-op, so this would be a lot like them telling me they were a woman when they were in fact a man. It doesn't matter to me upfront, but after a deep and meaningful relationship has developed? Biiiiiig lie.

_____________________________

"The amount i care for Thee
is more than two, but less than three."

"Submission is a potlatch."

(in reply to HeavansKeeper)

Post #: 11

RE: Discovering the truth about your female sub. - 5/17/2007 8:04:11 AM

Kinkypupper

Posts: 713
Joined: 9/26/2004
From: Portland oregon
Status: offline

Since I have a very nice female slave the issue of a sub being or once was a trans. would not be a concern at all.

_____________________________

Phil Moulton
A Sensual Touch
Locopony Racing
Portland Oregon

(in reply to stella40)

Post #: 12

RE: Discovering the truth about your female sub. - 5/17/2007 9:09:43 AM

ExtremeOwnerIL

Posts: 197
Joined: 10/19/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: stella40
You develop a close, meaningful D/s relationship with her.

Then one day you discover that she was a transsexual and much of her past was spent in male gender.

How would you react? Would it make any difference to your relationship?

I think the two are unlikely to happen in the vein you've outlined. If I had that close and meaningful of a relationship with her, I imagine this topic would have been addressed, otherwise it would be based on a lie and my trust broken. End of story.

Now, if the question relates to if I knew up front? Depends on the type of "relationship" and what I was looking to get out of it. Service is service. If she could serve in the ways I wished, then it would make no difference.

Regards,
EO

_____________________________

Some of my thoughts on Ownership:

http://extremeowner.blogspot.com/

(in reply to stella40)

Post #: 13

RE: Discovering the truth about your female sub. - 5/17/2007 10:07:25 AM

Faramir

Posts: 1043
Joined: 2/12/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael
Imagine what being held, shown love and acceptance could do for a person in the position, what else could a loving person do?

I think that's well said, and clearly the "loving" response--that would be love in action.

Man it would be hard though. I don't claim to have comprehensive knowledge on this, and am going by my personal experience alone, but that being said: secret keepers.....keep secrets. The kind of person who has a social construction that allows them to lie in a deep, meaingful and long term way to those closest to them has developed this as an adaption--a maladaption. That ability to lie, to be funadamentally untruthful out of trust issues tends to be comprehensive, and part of their make-up.

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 14

RE: Discovering the truth about your female sub. - 5/17/2007 10:11:45 AM

RavenMuse

Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: stella40
How would you react? Would it make any difference to your relationship?

It would make a very great diffrence, but not perhaps for the reason you probably expect.

To have reached that point without Me knowing would have involved her hiding that aspect from Me. That means there is suddenly a very large problem in regards to trust. There would have had to be lies ih her 'backstory'.... how then can I trust her?

Lies are a dealbreaker for Me, whilst I sympathise with the reasons she MAY have felt the need to do so, those reasons are not actualy applicable to ME so she showed her lack of trust in who I am, disrespect for the way I work and total disregard of My stance on lies.I can not see anyway from that point where she would not be facing dismissal.

If I develop feelings for a girl, it is for who she is... if in your situation above, we join the proceedings much earlier and at the relevant point she discloses her past, she'd get a shrug of the shoulders and a "You think that changes anything? It doesn't"..... the lies however WOULD change things.

< Message edited by RavenMuse -- 5/17/2007 10:15:17 AM >

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to stella40)

Post #: 15

RE: Discovering the truth about your female sub. - 5/17/2007 11:29:50 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RavenMuse

[To have reached that point without Me knowing would have involved her hiding that aspect from Me. That means there is suddenly a very large problem in regards to trust. There would have had to be lies ih her 'backstory'.... how then can I trust her?

I agree with this and I'll add that it also means that the are/were medical issues that the Dominant wasn't aware of. They could have easily put that person at risk simply because they weren't given the truth. I'd be pretty upset about being put in that position.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to RavenMuse)

Post #: 16

RE: Discovering the truth about your female sub. - 5/18/2007 4:44:59 AM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

That'd be something I consider I had a right to know well before there was any "close, meaningful D/s relationship".... Frankly, I was lied to by omission!

As to how I'd react within the belated circumstances described; that's a tough one. The only certainty is that I'd be pissed with at least a 50% chance it'd be terminal for the relationship.

Focus.

(in reply to stella40)

Post #: 17

RE: Discovering the truth about your female sub. - 5/18/2007 5:04:15 AM

Lashra

Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline

I'm not a male dom, I'm a female dom but I'll take a stab at this. To me when you fall in love (Ill assume by close relationship you meant love) with a person, you fall in love with the WHOLE person. Not just the body, not just the sex, but the whole person. So I think in this particular scenario you would have to decide for yourself do you love just the body or the whole person? If so then what they were previously is of no consquence.

Yes I can understand feeling upset that you may have been misled. However to the person who underwent this tremendous change, perhaps to them the person that they were previously is dead or is part of a painful past that they wish to forget. Either way I think this situation would require alot of communication, understanding and most of all soul searching. For me, if this was the only thing in our relationship that she hadn't told me, or lied about, I'd keep her with the understanding that if she ever lied to me again that would be the end. People are human we have our flaws, our fears and sometimes those emotions get in the way of doing whats right.

~Lashra

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”

(in reply to Focus50)

Post #: 18

RE: Discovering the truth about your female sub. - 5/18/2007 6:10:59 AM

Padriag

Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
Status: offline

Let's see... so you are suggesting I just discovered that a submissive has lied and been deceptive about a fairly significant issue, deliberately kept it hidden until they thought I was "hooked", and you want to know my reaction.

Almost happened once. Someone I met online whom I liked, became friends with, even helped out. Then she revealed she was actually a pre-op transexual.

Kicked her to the curb. I don't tolerate being lied to or manipulated. I don't care how great someone seems, if I can't trust them, they're gone. Feel free to call me a mean, cold-hearted bastard... cause some days, I am.

_____________________________

Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

(in reply to stella40)

Post #: 19

RE: Discovering the truth about your female sub. - 5/18/2007 6:18:51 AM

MrDiscipline44

Posts: 1776
Joined: 1/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: stella40

How would you react?

I'd put them squarely out my door.

quote:

Would it make any difference to your relationship?

Yes, it would.

_____________________________

If you love somebody, you have to be willing to break them.

Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.

Have you slapped your slave today?

(in reply to stella40)

Post #: 20

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