What part of you does your dominance come from?

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What part of you does your dominance come from? - 2/3/2004 9:12:29 PM

geekling

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At first glance, my question might appear simple, but I doubt the answers to it are. I've played in scenes before, but that's not the same as people who are in a close to 24x7 D/s relationship. For those of you out there that have had a 24x7 relationship... I'm particularly interested in hearing your answers. Also : if your dominance changed with the duration of the relationship... any insight on what might have happened (or not)?

Thanks very much for your insight.

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RE: What part of you does your dominance come from? - 2/4/2004 3:41:37 AM

Voltare

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From: Santiago, Chile
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No offense, but the question seems rather vague? I don't see dominance coming 'from' anything, anymore then I see any other personality trait or element coming from any part of me. If you're really asking "what drives you to dominate" that's a little easier - for me it is an expression of a desire for an intense relationship in a structured situation.

I have a friend who owns many dogs. Two of these dogs come to mind, one is a chiuahua, the other is a pit bull. The chiuahua has free run of the yard, goes in the house, and reminds me more of a cat on cocaine then a dog. The pitbull, on the other hand, is fiercely loyal, protective, and snarls and jumps at the 10' fence whenever someone other then my friend approaches his section of the yard. The small dog, lacking the power and strength, requires no such barriers. The pitbull, weighing a full 90lbs and could rip a mans arm off, absolutely needs these boundries and structures.

I believe that in D/s, because for me the focus is to cultivate very powerful emotions and experiences, very strong rules must be set in place. There must be someone to set these rules, and both must follow them. I don't set rules strictly for personal gratification - I set them for mutual enjoyment. My joy comes from seeing my slave fulfilled. Her joy comes from seeing me fulfilled. She entrusts me to see that our needs are met.

My mindset is, likely, unique in this, but I hope I've offered you some insight.

Stephan

_____________________________

http://www.vv3b.com/

"There is always some madness in love, but there is always some reason in madness." - F. Nietzsche

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RE: What part of you does your dominance come from? - 2/4/2004 7:47:24 AM

geekling

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Thank you Stephan.

Let me try and be a little clearer about my question. In my extremely limited experience, I can say that D/s appeals to my playful side, as well as my hedonistic side. At this point in my life, I have not had a whole lot of experience with being in a super responsible job or family role, so I don't know whether it appeals to my inner control freak or not.

I have met a submissive woman who I like and respect a whole lot. The problem comes in that she calls herself a "boarderline slave", and if I am going to pursue this relationship, I want to make sure that I have what it takes to make things work out. She is looking for an extremely high degree of control, almost 24x7.

Up until very recently, I have believed that a very egalitarian relationship would be ideal for me. Paradoxically, I am now seeing that potentially, a D/s relationship could be egalitarian, although in a radically different way.

I hope this sheds a little light on where I am coming from... I am new enough to D/s that the situation I am in still feels very strange.

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RE: What part of you does your dominance come from? - 2/4/2004 3:04:54 PM

Asmodeus

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geekling -

There are a two different types of people in this lifestyle (in r/l; online is another world populated primarily by fakes and wannabes).

The first type is the role player. To them BDSM sounds like fun; it's cool to play at being a master or slave. When the interest dies out, so does the D/s piece of the relationship. If it ends they go back to being vanilla with no qualms.

The second type is the person to who dominance or submission is part of who they are. It is not an artifact of BDSM; at best BDSM gives them a framework for expressing something that is already there. The dominant or submissive aspects of their persona color their interactions in everything, not just their D/s relationships.

There is nothing wrong with being either type of BDSM aficionado. The problems crop up when when partner is one type and the other person is the other. Often the role player can't deal with what they've unleashed in their partner. Dominance or submission to them is not a game, and once given the green light, they feel free to release what may be years of pent up feelings; they throw themselves completely into that aspect of their persona. The partner that was only assuming a role for the purpose of BDSM play is often overwhelmed by their partner's intensity; they can't deal with it.

If this happens the best outcome is the relationship ends; I've seen too many that went the other way, though, becoming abusive relationships in the most classic sense, with one partner taking advantage of the other in every possible way. It's an ugly sight.

If your potential partner is truly submissive or a slave, and you are only playing at it, I doubt there is a good chance for long term happiness.

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RE: What part of you does your dominance come from? - 2/4/2004 3:41:26 PM

geekling

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Thank you Asmodeus.

I do understand that this is very serious, and that's part of why I'm trying to talk about it here. I've read quite a bit online at castlerealms and a few other sites. I've been reading Different Loving, too. Believe me, I don't want to get into a relationship that would end badly. Not for me, but especially not for her.

Reading your post, it leads me to ask the question, if you are comfortable answering... how did you KNOW that dominance and submission were a part of you? Was this something that you've always known? or did you have some experience that made it clear to you? (I would appreciate anyone's answer to this question).

I can say that roleplaying certainly does appeal to me... but I think the appeal of D/s for me runs deeper. I'm just trying to figure out how deep...

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RE: What part of you does your dominance come from? - 2/4/2004 3:56:03 PM

Asmodeus

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quote:

Reading your post, it leads me to ask the question, if you are comfortable answering... how did you KNOW that dominance and submission were a part of you? Was this something that you've always known? or did you have some experience that made it clear to you? (I would appreciate anyone's answer to this question).

I've always known that I was a dominant, relative to my relationships with other people. What brought me to BDSM was a girlfriend in the 70's who liked being tied up. Living in the Villiage in NYC at the time there were resources available that led me into the BDSM world then. I realized that the lifestyle called to a part of me that could be set free by embracing it. That particular girlfriend wasn't willing to move that direction; basically she just liked rough sex. ;)

I've been in and out of the lifestyle over the years. I'm back in it now because my current (and hopefully last) partner is a Domme. We met in the vanilla world, but quickly found our mutual interests here. At this point in my life I'm not willing to settle for anything less than everything :)

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RE: What part of you does your dominance come from? - 2/5/2004 1:53:33 PM

MistressDREAD

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Personally My Dominance was Born and Bred in Me. I come from two Dominant parents and lived with in a Dominant led Poly Home that
nourised My Dominance. I hear you having questions on Your Dominance but what I really hear you questioning is if You are ready to take on the responcibility of another human being if ever, so I will ask You these questions and make these statements to help You determine if this is a step You are ready to take. And show a small sample of Dominance * wink...
There are sum things that a responsible Dominant needs to think about , understand, and accept befor taking on a sub or slave.

What sort of Dominant are You?

What will be Your approach as a Dominant?
If this is a question You do not have a answer
to then You are not ready to take on sumone
else till You learn about Your self.

Just because it sounds cool to be called Master
and gives You a false sence of Dominance to hear
others around You call You this doesent make You
a Master or even simply Dominant. This is earned
by actions taken in a Dominant manner in Your as
a whole.

Do You know how to apologize? And mean it?

Do You have space for play? Have You made the investment
in either buildiing a Dungeon or becomming a Member in a
Public Dungeon and aquired what toys and tools that will make
up what You will use as a Dominant in scening and play and leaned
how to use them resonably and learned what can happen both
possitively and negitivly with such items practicing and practicing
and then practicing with them till You think about them all the time
and even dream about their use?

Have You joined a Munchies group in Your area so You can associate
with like minds in Your chosen Lifestyle and talked with others online
with simular interests?

Can You accept the essential humanity of another and grasp it in Your
hands and hold it safe from ALL things around You?

Can You clearly define what it is that You desire in a sub/slave and only step towards those whom fullfill those area that You desire?

What do You want from a sub? slave? Be realistic. Do You desire a weekend play toy or scene in the bedroom with a sub, or a slave whom will serve outside a scene in every day life and in public and expect the same from You showing Your self as Dominant?

Do You know what Your limits are? Do You know what limits can be out there to be a part of Your limits? Do You know how to set the limits and stand up for them? Do You know how to respect a subs/slaves limits and push them if desired?

Remember having another human being responsible for is a hugh and awesome responsibility and if You do not feel that You are ready to take on say a newborn baby then You might not be ready to take on a slaves needs either. They are equal in commitment of Your self in Dominance.

Can You communicate well with others? If not what area do You need to learn tolerance and acceptance? Remember human beings being what they are will call You on any falsehood they see in You in pursuit of this,
We call Dominance.

Do You know how to deal with a suplicants Fears? Do You know how to recognze the warning signs of such and take the corrective measures to
aleviate it in what You will Own? Are You humble enough to ask for Help when You know You are over extended and address this with Yours and Others whom can help You in Your times of need openly?

Do You understand that stateing You are Dominant means just that and only that You are DOMINANT not a Switch with Dominant tendancies or a Alpha sub!!

Do You understand the difference in Dominant Will and Dominant Sex?

What do You have in place for both You and Yours saftey? Physically,Mentally,Spiritually,Emotionally,Finacially,Healthwise?

Can You afford to take on the cost of another whom will depend on Your support or will this one You bring in to Your life be assisting You in that?
Do You have a list or Contract in place that specifys this information for
both parties?

REMEBER: When you Dominate somebody, you need to be INCREDIBLY AWARE of EVERYTHING that is happening in the life or in scene. If You slack on this issue, You could end up seriously injuring Your partner mentally or physically. Being a Dominant does have it's rewards, but eternal vigilance is the price You pay for being in charge.

Can You be Patient?

Can You be Humble?

Can You be Open?

Can You be Honest?

Can You be realistic?

Can You be Healty BDSM wise?

Do You know what Head space is?

Are You ready to spell out Your opinion on
Rules.Proticals, Regulations, Roles, Limits and
contracts and how every day life will be lived and
not assume or take for granted that your suplicant
will instinctively know what these are and the ground
rules?

Are You ready to be really Dominant? submissives are looking for someone who will take over their body and mind and life and living, not just for brute strength but within all ways. Real people are wanted, not just cardboard images from cigarette ads or macho stereotypes. Your Dominance enhances Your whole existence. It does not cover up or substitute for other areas of Your life - it is You.

Are You ready to make Your submissive fall in love and admire and depend on and with You, and expect her to give herself up to You totally. Follow up on rules, expect obedience, and punish appropriately when it is called for. Don't shirk Your responsibility to Your sub/slave or to Your Sister/Brother Dominants. Be dependable and expect dependability in and out of the Home and both Your lifes. You have agreed to take the Dominant role - now take it and take action!
Looks up at all Ive written and babbled on again and really wonder how those who are around Me can put up with My Dominant Motherly ways! LOL

to be continued......................

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RE: What part of you does your dominance come from? - 2/5/2004 2:14:12 PM

MistressDREAD

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looks up surprised I again have *bled over into the Masters section and huvels My arms over My head and scrunches My shoulders so I dont get a wak over the head..............snickers under My breath knowing I broke sum kind of rule again and skips over to the Mistresses section.....~.....~~......~~~giggling satisfied in My simple non conformist ways

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RE: What part of you does your dominance come from? - 12/24/2004 7:32:47 PM

MistressDREAD

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RE: What part of you does your dominance come from? - 12/25/2004 9:07:56 PM

RealityFix

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Geekling...............In my experience, D/s is an exchange of energy bewteen compatable people.

If you are willing to weave your life into hers in this dynamic-that is D/s.

Others do this for role playing kink fun.

Niether is *WRONG* they merely serve different needs.

Find your need, and you will find your answers.

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