meeting at a munch?

meeting at a munch? (Full Version)

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chellekitty -> meeting at a munch? (6/7/2007 2:55:26 PM)
before i get on with my point i would like to say that if this has been discussed before, i must be crap at finding it using the search feature... I have this problem, and it encompasses many topics but i will try to be brief...i have been approached by a few Dominants in my local area that said they wanted to get to know me so i said, great, come to a munch and we will talk - its public, its face to face, i am surrounded by people that if are not friends, would atleast back me up if someone was acting inappropriate, its in a family restaraunt's private room, and basically i feel safe meeting someone at a munch - but these are also the reasons i see that they go ack! and run away...i had one guy tell me that because of his work situation he couldn't be seen at a lifestyle event...my thought is that if anyone knows its a lifestyle event they are there for the same reason...another guy didn't even respond... so my questions? Am I doing something wrong? Is there a better way to approach this? What is so scary about a munch? If you don't attend munches, for any reason other than financial, why not? Thats all for now chelle House Infernus

AquaticSub -> RE: meeting at a munch? (6/7/2007 2:59:14 PM)
I see not attending a munch because you aren't ready to "out" yet as a valid reason. I would suggest assuring them that most munchs don't allow you to talk about other members outside of it. I think meeting at a munch is pretty safe way to go though. If they aren't ready to be out and you are, then it may be for the best.

orfunboi -> RE: meeting at a munch? (6/7/2007 3:01:38 PM)
If someone wants to get to know me, i usually perfer meeting at a munch. If they have a problem with that, then i probibly would not meet. i am sure there are valid reasons for not wanting to meet, but my guess is, most of the time, it's because they are lying about who they are. Maybe i am too cynical when it comes to the internet, but there you are.

nearnyccouple -> RE: meeting at a munch? (6/7/2007 3:03:11 PM)
chelle,. i agree with you totally. meeting in a non-threatening, familiar setting is both safe and smart. it is always wise to do what makes you most comfortable. i would be leery of someone who found it unreasonable to meet in such a public place. cassie

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: meeting at a munch? (6/7/2007 3:04:21 PM)
Nope, it sounds like you're doing exactly what you should, doesn't it? Establishing your standards and criteria which you find reasonable for yourself, and finding people who fit well within them (so far no one has). It's VERY rare I'll meet someone any other way these days. Not because I don't trust my judgement or want to feel safe, but simply because I am too busy to make a lot of individual dates and don't want to waste time if they choose to flake on me. So, I tell them where/when I'll be at an event, they can either show or not. It also keeps things low key and low stress- since it's a group deal and we're just there to hang and see what is there. After that, we can talk one on one. Why do you automatically think you are the one doing something wrong?

slaverosebeauty -> RE: meeting at a munch? (6/7/2007 3:07:57 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: chellekitty If you don't attend munches, for any reason other than financial, why not? Its not safe for me. The man who almost killed me and who stalked me is welcome at the local munches and knows the Mistress who runs them so its safer for HIM to go than for me; he does not live in the in area, but I do know he goes on occassion. Besides, as 'public' as I may be on the boards, I don't flaunt this lifetyle in my public/vanilla life. I don't mind talking about it one on one with a few friends or with date some place in a respectfull manner, not a problem, but with a bunch of other people around, it sounds like you want people around to gang up on him or them. If you want people to 'back you up' then I think you need to look at things and who you are choosing to meet. I am a BIG proponent of safecalls, meeting in public, etc, yet I would not ask someone to meet me with a bunch of people who may be friends or who I KNOW would 'back me up.' It sends a mixed message.

Mercnbeth -> RE: meeting at a munch? (6/7/2007 3:12:49 PM)
chelle, No - for all the reasons you cite, a munch is a great neutral place to meet. A private room at a restaurant, family or not, is not a "lifestyle event". Most of the time the group is identified under an alias. In the South Bay we are the 'Adult Co-ed Softball Group'. Stand your ground, and trust your safety instincts. The non-responders either had no intention of meeting in the first place or couldn't get permission to go out that night from their spouse or significant other.

kittensmailbox -> RE: meeting at a munch? (6/7/2007 3:19:33 PM)
Oh i miss the munches in LA, hell i just miss munches all together... i met some of the greatest ppl at the local muches in LA.

lateralist1 -> RE: meeting at a munch? (6/7/2007 3:30:00 PM)
My local munch is over an hour's drive away it maybe further for him depending where he is coming from. It only happens once a month. And may not be that convenient for either of us. I have met people in the strangest of places it used to float my boat lol. However I have got over that phase now. It is difficult to talk freely in public places though.

earthycouple -> RE: meeting at a munch? (6/7/2007 3:32:00 PM)
I love munches....and I think it's a great way to meet. If he has a problem with that, then I'd move on.

darkinshadows -> RE: meeting at a munch? (6/7/2007 3:36:15 PM)
Munches can be 'scarey' to people who have never been - but as you know - they are pretty tame most of the time. I don't believe you are doing anything wrong. Your being sensible and open and sticking to your own truths. There are other ways to meet people. I didn't meet Darcy at a munch myself - but we have attended clubs and markets together... but I can;t make a suggestion other than just keep doing what feels right for you. Peace

slaverosebeauty -> RE: meeting at a munch? (6/7/2007 3:38:01 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lateralist1 It is difficult to talk freely in public places though. I go where I KNOW people are bi or 'open' if talking is an issue, I just head to the Tower District, no one cares down there. Besides, when a few of us get to talking, it kinda turns int a round table type thing. I learned how to say a lot in public without 'saying' anything that is not vanilla safe, yet still get info across.

darkinshadows -> RE: meeting at a munch? (6/7/2007 3:42:48 PM)
quote: Its not safe for me. The man who almost killed me and who stalked me is welcome at the local munches and knows the Mistress who runs them so its safer for HIM to go than for me; he does not live in the in area, but I do know he goes on occassion. If it's not safe, why havent you spoken to the person who runs the munch? Have you contacted the authorities if you were attacked and stalked and reported that you know where he is? This gives munches a terrible reputation and is the kind of thing that portrays BDSM in a negative light - that potential stalkers and killers are (basically as you are putting it) knowingly allowed to attend events? I am not going to apologise that I find this completely off base. Peace

MsSonnetMarwood -> RE: meeting at a munch? (6/7/2007 3:49:05 PM)
I think munches are an ideal place to meet people. Because of my schedule, though, I will more often meet someone over coffee in a bookstore or the like. If their not comfortable going to something like a munch but you go to such things regularly, they're probably not a great fit for you.

AquaticSub -> RE: meeting at a munch? (6/7/2007 3:56:25 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: darkinshadows quote: Its not safe for me. The man who almost killed me and who stalked me is welcome at the local munches and knows the Mistress who runs them so its safer for HIM to go than for me; he does not live in the in area, but I do know he goes on occassion. If it's not safe, why havent you spoken to the person who runs the munch? Have you contacted the authorities if you were attacked and stalked and reported that you know where he is? This gives munches a terrible reputation and is the kind of thing that portrays BDSM in a negative light - that potential stalkers and killers are (basically as you are putting it) knowingly allowed to attend events? I am not going to apologise that I find this completely off base. Peace I gotta echo this.

slaverosebeauty -> RE: meeting at a munch? (6/7/2007 3:56:48 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: darkinshadows quote: Its not safe for me. The man who almost killed me and who stalked me is welcome at the local munches and knows the Mistress who runs them so its safer for HIM to go than for me; he does not live in the in area, but I do know he goes on occassion. If it's not safe, why havent you spoken to the person who runs the munch? Have you contacted the authorities if you were attacked and stalked and reported that you know where he is? This gives munches a terrible reputation and is the kind of thing that portrays BDSM in a negative light - that potential stalkers and killers are (basically as you are putting it) knowingly allowed to attend events? I am not going to apologise that I find this completely off base. Peace BTDT, I have a RO {restraining order}; the person who did this stuff is well known in the community and the local Mistress who runs it and others who attend defended the criminal, even with proof. So, why should I attend? To see if he 'might' show up? No thank you, I would rather avoid the negative light and the other bs that goes with it. I am NOT portraying munches or BDSM in a negative light, I am portraying this particular person in the light, don't twist my words or put words in my mouth. If I want that, I will head overseas. I would much rather meet someone one-on-one than with a bunch of other people around who are intimidating.

Elorin -> RE: meeting at a munch? (6/7/2007 4:08:15 PM)
~using fast reply~ I just don't go to munches anymore because there is very little draw for me. I'm not interested in "who might be new" or in catching up with old friends (I do that at parties), I no longer am a group leader and don't have announcements to share (though that might change in the near future), and just sitting around and talking about kink doesn't do much for me in such a sterile environment. At a time when I had a closer kink family in the town nearby, I enjoyed munches as a chance to socialize together with friends. I can say that while your logic about kink meetings makes sense, it RARELY occurs to someone who is paranoid about being seen. Also, a munch in a private room makes people nervous sometimes. When an event is just in a corner of a room, someone can sit and observe and leave without ever making themselves known. That safety of anonymity appeals a lot. I agree that it is frustrating, but I generally meet someone for drinks at a Starbucks or bookstore - if the meeting is a bust at least I'm someplace that I would want to be in the first place. Meeting at the local adult book store works out well for me too. ~E

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: meeting at a munch? (6/7/2007 4:08:41 PM)
But you said it's not a bunch of people- it's just the one guy. Preferring to meet one on one is fine and dandy and just as legit as preferring to meet at a munch. But keep to your story- is it just this one dork who keeps you away or do you feel shunned by the whole group?

darkinshadows -> RE: meeting at a munch? (6/7/2007 4:09:00 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: slaverosebeauty quote: ORIGINAL: darkinshadows quote: Its not safe for me. The man who almost killed me and who stalked me is welcome at the local munches and knows the Mistress who runs them so its safer for HIM to go than for me; he does not live in the in area, but I do know he goes on occassion. If it's not safe, why havent you spoken to the person who runs the munch? Have you contacted the authorities if you were attacked and stalked and reported that you know where he is? This gives munches a terrible reputation and is the kind of thing that portrays BDSM in a negative light - that potential stalkers and killers are (basically as you are putting it) knowingly allowed to attend events? I am not going to apologise that I find this completely off base. Peace BTDT, I have a RO {restraining order}; the person who did this stuff is well known in the community and the local Mistress who runs it and others who attend defended the criminal, even with proof. So, why should I attend? To see if he 'might' show up? No thank you, I would rather avoid the negative light and the other bs that goes with it. I am NOT portraying munches or BDSM in a negative light, I am portraying this particular person in the light, don't twist my words or put words in my mouth. If I want that, I will head overseas. I would much rather meet someone one-on-one than with a bunch of other people around who are intimidating. I didnt put words on the screen that aren't yours. They are there and they are easy to reference. What you have done does NOT single out one person 'into the light'. You have now singled out an entire group, including the 'Mistress' that 'runs' said munch. Your own words. If there is a restraining order, then he wouldn't be allowed in the munch'area'? Maybe someone in law enforcement can verify that. There has to be more behind this because responsible munch co-ordinators would NOT risk their guests nor the reputation of the 'place' that they meet, nor their own reputations - as co-ordinating a munch is a very public issue. Peace

Missokyst -> RE: meeting at a munch? (6/7/2007 4:24:00 PM)
Arggh. I really am starting to think that people who have never been to munches assume we all come to lunch/dinner, dressed in rubber hoods and leather bondage gear. Lifestyle event? Please, 9/10 times a munch is more nilla than a meeting of those red hat ladies. People eat, chat about normal life things, and once in a while, kink comes up when the wait staff is out of the area. I run a bdsm munch group and I have people on my munch list who have never been to a meeting due to fear of being outed. Outed how? That they might eat? That they dare to be seen eating with someone who isn't their family? Over the time I have been running a group men have contacted me about meeting. If I suggest a munch they run with tails between their legs. I have to wonder if they think we are all branded with pair of cuff blazoned across our foreheads. It is very frustrating. Personally, though I have met people outside of the munch, if they fear meeting this way, they probably aren't the type for me. I say meet the way that suits you best. If they don't like it, their loss. Kyst quote: ORIGINAL: chellekitty i am surrounded by people that if are not friends, would atleast back me up if someone was acting inappropriate, its in a family restaraunt's private room, and basically i feel safe meeting someone at a munch - but these are also the reasons i see that they go ack! and run away...i had one guy tell me that because of his work situation he couldn't be seen at a lifestyle event...

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