Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

Confusing, venting, post....Trying to get over someone you still love...


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Confusing, venting, post....Trying to get over someone you still love... Page: [1] 2 3   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
Confusing, venting, post....Trying to get over someone ... - 6/16/2007 7:47:36 PM   
GeekyGirl


Posts: 905
Joined: 8/21/2006
Status: offline 		I want to apologize ahead of time if this makes no sense or comes across as whining...I'm hurting right now and I just need to talk to people who are lifestyle savvy.

Here's the story. I met "Tom" about three years ago. I was relatively new to the lifestyle but not a complete beginner. We formed a long distance (real time) relationship which progressed to a Master/slave situation. It was a very romantic, "love oriented", daddy/girl relationship. It was my first full-time M/s situation and many things were very new to me. He was an older dominant who had been in the lifestyle for about 15yrs and was extremely knowledgeable and talented.

We were very much in love with each other and things went well for about several months. Very emotionally intense, and spent lots of time together despite the distance (his job allows for him to travel a lot)...eventually though, things fell apart as I , being a new submissive, sort of went through this teenage-type rebellion and started questioning my ability to be a slave. Basically, I acted up badly enough that he released me. I was devastated and spent several months mourning and deciding that BDSM wasn't right for me and I was going to try to go vanilla and stop being "a freak".

That lasted about 4 months before I broke down and realized I was never going to be happy in a nilla situation. I called Tom up and we talked things over and agreed to give things another shot. The only thing is that at the time, he had a part time submissive up in his own state and he explained that if we were going to be together, it would be an open relationship because he wanted someone local to be with in addition to me...I have always been decidedly monogamous but agreed to the situation because I was hurting so bad and couldn't stand being without him any more.

This lasted about two months before the stress, jealousy, and all the issues of him having another girl sort of exploded for me and I just couldn't take it anymore. We split again, on good terms, but with the realization that I just couldn't handle this.

We remained very, very good friends as I went through several bad relationships. He was always there for me, my best friend, my confidante, etc. He went through some bad relationships too.

Fast-forward to April of this year. He and I were both single. I missed him. He missed me. He invited me to come spend a week with him at his place, which I did. This was all with the understanding that we would "play" Master/slave for the week but when the week was over, we were back to "just friends." I had an absolutely wonderful time with him, he reminded me of all the reasons everyone else pales in comparison to him. Things started out pretty casual but by the end of the week, he's telling me he loves me, and really getting emotional with things.

Now ever since then, we've been in this pseudo-long distance thing where we don't officially have a relationship but we spend all our time talking, flirting, he tells me he loves me, etc. Yet he also says he's still looking for a girl. He is dating, etc and it just kills me to know that he is looking for someone. I know I have no right to be upset , as he has always been 100% honest and upfront with me about other women and the fact that we are not "a couple".

Yet, he complains about how these girls he goes out with aren't what he's looking for, how he'd rather find someone who is more like ME, etc. He knows it hurts me when he goes out with other girls, but he's my friend and I can't selfishly throw a fit everytime he goes out with someone else. I love him, but I don't have the right to treat him that way when he's been so honest with me and when I know he's not hurting me on purpose.

Now just yesterday, he was telling me he loved me, sending me some very powerful messages, "I miss you" "You are mine" etc over my cell phone...but today I call him and he says he's out on a date with another girl..and it just really tore me up. I love him, I miss him, I want to be with him...relocating is not an option for me so I can't just go up there and be with him. I don't know how to react. I am hurting and I want to lash out at him but I can't because it's not his fault..

No one else has ever made me feel the way he does. No one else knows me the way he does. We are insanely close and this just hurts so much.

I just needed someone to talk to...thanks for letting me vent...I am hurting so much and I just don't know what to do or how to feel....


_____________________________

"It's nothing that I understand, but when in your arms you have complete power over me. So be gentle if you please, 'cause your hands are in my hair, but my heart is in your teeth and it makes me want to make you near me always."
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Confusing, venting, post....Trying to get over some... - 6/16/2007 8:00:05 PM   
MHOO314


Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline 		Well, first of all, I am sorry you're hurting, however, there are some powerful signs you seem to miss or choose to overlook----he appears to be treating you like a "bird in the hand"---IMHO no one who is real and honest sends loving notes and still dates another---remember, being a submissive does not mean you are a door mat. 

_____________________________

SLUTS: Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress...

Mistress Hathor


(in reply to GeekyGirl)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Confusing, venting, post....Trying to get over some... - 6/16/2007 8:00:35 PM   
octavia


Posts: 377
Joined: 5/20/2007
Status: offline 		*hugs*

(in reply to GeekyGirl)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Confusing, venting, post....Trying to get over some... - 6/16/2007 8:02:10 PM   
Faramir


Posts: 1043
Joined: 2/12/2005
Status: offline 		I think a lot of us have gone through some kind of "almost" relationship, where thinsg ought to work fine, but somehow there's a hitch.  Those ones hurt and you have my sympathy.  I hope things get better, and until then, I hope you keep keepin' on.



_____________________________

True masters, true subs and slaves, X many years in the lifestyle, Old Guard this and High Protocol that--it's like a convention of D&D nerds were allowed to have sex once, and they decided to make a religion out of it.

(in reply to GeekyGirl)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Confusing, venting, post....Trying to get over some... - 6/16/2007 8:05:01 PM   
TemptingNviceSub


Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline 		You dont know how to feel or how to act because he is sending you mixed messages.He is not fully letting you go, he is reminding you of his love, of your wonderful week, but still "being honest" about his search. In other words he is keeping a string upon you as he still seeks. Of course by being honest, he does not have to put up with any accusations you could make, he has essentially taken any recourse away from you. But he is "reminding" you of his love.Feel your hurt and pain..of course..but while you think no other will ever "get" or fully know or understand you, is a mistaken thought....you just have not given another a chance to get to that place with you. You have chosen to shut yourself off from any other possibility. As with this relationship, it took time, and conversation for "him" to get to know and understand you..So get out and do a little seeking for yourself, but with an open mind and heart..Tempting

_____________________________

I have greatly enjoyed the second blooming...suddenly you find at the age of 50, that a whole new life has opened before you.........Agatha Christie.

You must make tracks into the unknown~~Thoreau

(in reply to GeekyGirl)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Confusing, venting, post....Trying to get over some... - 6/16/2007 8:07:26 PM   
litleone8620


Posts: 3669
Joined: 6/12/2006
Status: offline 		First of all, I am sorry you're going through this.

I was in a similar situation, long distance and all.

What ended up happening was, I got tired of him pulling me along, no matter how I felt for him. So, I essentially gave him an ultimatum. Either we turn exclusive, or I just walk away. He told me he'd think about it and call me the next day. I never heard from him. Ever. Either he was pissed that I gave him an ultimatum or I just wasn't that important to him. I figured it was the latter.

That was the best thing I could have done for myself. He was hurting me, and I was hurting myself by continuing to be around him.

I'm not gonna tell you to cut off contact, you're just gonna do what you're gonna do anyway.  But I do hope things work out the best for you.


_____________________________

He who laughs last didn't get the joke


We have enough youth. How about a fountain of smart?

(in reply to GeekyGirl)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Confusing, venting, post....Trying to get over some... - 6/16/2007 8:11:04 PM   
angelic


Posts: 1807
Joined: 1/24/2005
Status: offline 		i do not have any advice, but i do have a sincere hug, even if it is just virtual.

_____________________________

~....and once you have tasted flight, you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been and there you long to return.~ -- Leonardo de Vinci


(in reply to GeekyGirl)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Confusing, venting, post....Trying to get over some... - 6/16/2007 8:15:37 PM   
PlayfulOne


Posts: 1047
Status: offline 		I think Faramir said it well about those "almost" relationships.  I had one that went on for 2 years and it is gut wrenching`.  It was both our faults why it never happened but that didn't make it any better for either of us.

Been there, done it,  and know none of us can say anything to make it better.

all I can offer is a hug

K

(in reply to Faramir)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Confusing, venting, post....Trying to get over some... - 6/16/2007 8:34:46 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		Geekygirl,

tempting and litleone hit the nail on the head.  He is stringing you along and sending you mixed signals with little concern it seems for your well being.  He knows this hurts you... he knows your feelings, that is how he plays upon them.

I know you are hurting and my heart goes out to you.  There is no pain like love pain.  We always seem to feel that no one else can ever make us feel the way they do... but there is a whole world of people out there and there IS someone else who can make you feel better!  Someone who will not play games with your mind and heart and therefore your life.

Cry your tears... move on... find out why you allowed someone to play with you and accepted what he gave as love when it clearly was not love for you... maybe for himself in some weird way... but it isn't love for you if it hurts you this much.  This is not a case of love gone wrong or a perfect fit if only this or that were better.  There was a reason you found it hard to accept being 'his' slave and maybe being a slave to anyone.  Think about it when you have gotten a bit of healing or time or space.  If you can think of it now... go for it.  Some of the answers you seek... the comfort... are all found within you.

Love yourself.  If you don't know how... think of it this way.  What does a lover do and say that makes you all warm and gushy inside?  Say and do those things for yourself.  Build yourself up so the next selfish one comes along you can peg him in a heartbeat.  If you don't work on you and strengthening yourself, you could live a lifetime of broken hearts and dreams.

Close friends do not confuse you in this way and if they do, they themselves are clueless and what use is a clueless dominant?  He made you feel good... but now he makes you cry.  When someone who makes you happy... makes you feel unhappy and cry more than they make you happy... what does it suggest?

I'd love to say all this with a few hugs and some smiles and such, but I can't do that and you don't know me from adam... but my heart does feel for you because I know how painful this can be.  Been there, done that... and not going there again for anyone!  Those I love... love me in reality... back.  Try it hun... it works and it is worth so much more than what you are getting. 

Lockit

(in reply to PlayfulOne)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Confusing, venting, post....Trying to get over some... - 6/16/2007 8:36:30 PM   
marieToo


Posts: 3595
Joined: 5/21/2006
From: Jersey
Status: offline 		Reply to OP:

From the info given, I don't see any mixed messages neccesarily.  His wanting a girl who is closer to him geographically, certainly does NOT indicate that his feelings for you are less than real.  His feelings for you may well be very sincere, but apparently the logistics are not lining up.  He says he loves and cares for you and misses you,  but unfortunately you cannot be there with him as much as he would like.  Apparently his needs include having someone with him more frequently or more full time.  I will give him credit for being honest with you about the other girls and the dates etc.  

What isn't clear is whether he sees other girls because you're not there full time or because he simply prefers to have more than one girl.  If I were you, the first thing I would do is get clarification on whether or not he is monogamy-minded, then I would take it from there.

_____________________________

marie.


I give good agita.









(in reply to angelic)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Confusing, venting, post....Trying to get over some... - 6/16/2007 8:42:04 PM   
CypherEnigma


Posts: 62
Joined: 7/24/2005
Status: offline 		I send a hug to you. Thats all i can really say.

(in reply to GeekyGirl)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Confusing, venting, post....Trying to get over some... - 6/16/2007 8:42:23 PM   
angelic


Posts: 1807
Joined: 1/24/2005
Status: offline 		Hi marie... your "Reply to OP" made me chuckle... since i misunderstood another post you made in FR.

Having said that... i disagree somewhat on what you say... in my opinion, if he truly did care for her and her feelings... why did he answer his cell when he was out on a date?  Most cells have caller id's so he knew upon answering it who was calling... then he proceeded to tell her he was out with a woman.  Seems to me he wasn't really considering her feelings at all or worse.... wanted her to be hurt.



_____________________________

~....and once you have tasted flight, you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been and there you long to return.~ -- Leonardo de Vinci


(in reply to marieToo)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Confusing, venting, post....Trying to get over some... - 6/16/2007 8:46:52 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		He claims you are his... but you are not a couple and are just friends... that is a mixed message in my opinion.  Taking into consideration there has been a sexual relationship and he is dating others and looking for someone closer to him to fit his needs... all while he keeps you bound to him... hummmmm  At the very least it isn't honorable... he isn't telling you what is best for you and enjoys you while he stomps all over your heart.

(in reply to marieToo)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Confusing, venting, post....Trying to get over some... - 6/16/2007 8:48:03 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		High five angelic

(in reply to Lockit)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Confusing, venting, post....Trying to get over some... - 6/16/2007 8:49:12 PM   
angelic


Posts: 1807
Joined: 1/24/2005
Status: offline 		High five right backatcha Lockit!

_____________________________

~....and once you have tasted flight, you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been and there you long to return.~ -- Leonardo de Vinci


(in reply to Lockit)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Confusing, venting, post....Trying to get over some... - 6/16/2007 8:57:47 PM   
CuriousLord


Posts: 3911
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline 		Wonderful story.. well, in the telling and such.. it was a pleasure to read. It must be sad for you to have to live through.

Something like this.. I'm not going to try giving advice on.. or, at least, not anythign that's by any means complete.. just, I wanted to say that guys (at least some of us- can't speak for all) don't typically deal in "signs". If he's like this, the little things he's saying might not amount to much in effect unless he directly states something along those lines. So.. I just hope you don't feel led on or anything if it falls through again.

And, *Hug*, to join in the growing group hug we have going on here. I hope the vent worked out well for you.

(in reply to GeekyGirl)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Confusing, venting, post....Trying to get over some... - 6/16/2007 9:09:28 PM   
marieToo


Posts: 3595
Joined: 5/21/2006
From: Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: angelic

Hi marie... your "Reply to OP" made me chuckle... since i misunderstood another post you made in FR.


Ha!  I made sure to put it in this this time; it cuts down on the confusion. lmaoo

quote:

Having said that... i disagree somewhat on what you say... in my opinion, if he truly did care for her and her feelings... why did he answer his cell when he was out on a date?  Most cells have caller id's so he knew upon answering it who was calling... then he proceeded to tell her he was out with a woman.  Seems to me he wasn't really considering her feelings at all or worse.... wanted her to be hurt.



Who knows, really?  She has to go with her own gut feelings, we don't know the guy.  I really see at least two different angles it could be viewed from.  One: He's a scumbag who wants to exploit her feelings.  or Two: He feels exactly what she feels:  Love,care, attraction, but frustration that they can't be in a fulltime relationship.   If I were in her shoes, I would know who he is, but I'm not, so I don't.  I can only present some food for thought;  thats all any of us can do.  I think if geekygirl looks inside herself, she will find her answer is already there. 

_____________________________

marie.


I give good agita.









(in reply to angelic)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Confusing, venting, post....Trying to get over some... - 6/16/2007 9:09:33 PM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MHOO314

, there are some powerful signs you seem to miss or choose to overlook----he appears to be treating you like a "bird in the hand 


This was my gut reaction as well....  with friends like him.... well.. I suspect the hurt will be going on for awhile longer.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to MHOO314)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Confusing, venting, post....Trying to get over some... - 6/16/2007 9:51:56 PM   
outlier


Posts: 1111
Joined: 10/22/2005
Status: offline 		GeekyGirl,

I know you are smart enough to know this but I
think you should read it anyway.

Listen to what he says.  But believe what he does.

I am sorry for your pain,
Outlier

< Message edited by outlier -- 6/16/2007 10:44:10 PM >

_____________________________

Avatar from xkcd.com

"A happy sex life may take years to achieve, but it’s worth it in the long run.
Worth the time, the thought - or rather, the thoughtfulness - and, often,
the waiting." Pete Seeger

(in reply to GeekyGirl)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Confusing, venting, post....Trying to get over some... - 6/16/2007 10:09:48 PM   
MagiksSlave


Posts: 2768
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

He claims you are his... but you are not a couple and are just friends... that is a mixed message in my opinion.  Taking into consideration there has been a sexual relationship and he is dating others and looking for someone closer to him to fit his needs... all while he keeps you bound to him... hummmmm  At the very least it isn't honorable... he isn't telling you what is best for you and enjoys you while he stomps all over your heart.


This is what stood out to me the most out of everything the op said. he told you you where his, but how is that so?? He doesnt want to have a real M/s relationship with you, it seems like he is just telling you what you want to hear so that you will stick around. Hey its great he can play with you whenever one of his relatioships fail so he never has to be 100% by himself, and then one someone he wants to be with comes along you get put on the burner till she dumps his ass.

Magik's slave

_____________________________

If you’re going through hell keep on moving
don't slow down
if you’re scared dont show it
you might get out
before the devil even knows your there.


-Rodney Atkins-



(in reply to Lockit)
Profile   Post #: 20
Page:   [1] 2 3   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Confusing, venting, post....Trying to get over someone you still love... Page: [1] 2 3   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.105