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GeekyGirl -> Confusing, venting, post....Trying to get over someone you still love... (6/16/2007 7:47:36 PM)
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I want to apologize ahead of time if this makes no sense or comes across as whining...I'm hurting right now and I just need to talk to people who are lifestyle savvy.
Here's the story. I met "Tom" about three years ago. I was relatively new to the lifestyle but not a complete beginner. We formed a long distance (real time) relationship which progressed to a Master/slave situation. It was a very romantic, "love oriented", daddy/girl relationship. It was my first full-time M/s situation and many things were very new to me. He was an older dominant who had been in the lifestyle for about 15yrs and was extremely knowledgeable and talented.
We were very much in love with each other and things went well for about several months. Very emotionally intense, and spent lots of time together despite the distance (his job allows for him to travel a lot)...eventually though, things fell apart as I , being a new submissive, sort of went through this teenage-type rebellion and started questioning my ability to be a slave. Basically, I acted up badly enough that he released me. I was devastated and spent several months mourning and deciding that BDSM wasn't right for me and I was going to try to go vanilla and stop being "a freak".
That lasted about 4 months before I broke down and realized I was never going to be happy in a nilla situation. I called Tom up and we talked things over and agreed to give things another shot. The only thing is that at the time, he had a part time submissive up in his own state and he explained that if we were going to be together, it would be an open relationship because he wanted someone local to be with in addition to me...I have always been decidedly monogamous but agreed to the situation because I was hurting so bad and couldn't stand being without him any more.
This lasted about two months before the stress, jealousy, and all the issues of him having another girl sort of exploded for me and I just couldn't take it anymore. We split again, on good terms, but with the realization that I just couldn't handle this.
We remained very, very good friends as I went through several bad relationships. He was always there for me, my best friend, my confidante, etc. He went through some bad relationships too.
Fast-forward to April of this year. He and I were both single. I missed him. He missed me. He invited me to come spend a week with him at his place, which I did. This was all with the understanding that we would "play" Master/slave for the week but when the week was over, we were back to "just friends." I had an absolutely wonderful time with him, he reminded me of all the reasons everyone else pales in comparison to him. Things started out pretty casual but by the end of the week, he's telling me he loves me, and really getting emotional with things.
Now ever since then, we've been in this pseudo-long distance thing where we don't officially have a relationship but we spend all our time talking, flirting, he tells me he loves me, etc. Yet he also says he's still looking for a girl. He is dating, etc and it just kills me to know that he is looking for someone. I know I have no right to be upset , as he has always been 100% honest and upfront with me about other women and the fact that we are not "a couple".
Yet, he complains about how these girls he goes out with aren't what he's looking for, how he'd rather find someone who is more like ME, etc. He knows it hurts me when he goes out with other girls, but he's my friend and I can't selfishly throw a fit everytime he goes out with someone else. I love him, but I don't have the right to treat him that way when he's been so honest with me and when I know he's not hurting me on purpose.
Now just yesterday, he was telling me he loved me, sending me some very powerful messages, "I miss you" "You are mine" etc over my cell phone...but today I call him and he says he's out on a date with another girl..and it just really tore me up. I love him, I miss him, I want to be with him...relocating is not an option for me so I can't just go up there and be with him. I don't know how to react. I am hurting and I want to lash out at him but I can't because it's not his fault..
No one else has ever made me feel the way he does. No one else knows me the way he does. We are insanely close and this just hurts so much.
I just needed someone to talk to...thanks for letting me vent...I am hurting so much and I just don't know what to do or how to feel....
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