RE: Confusing, venting, post....Trying to get over someone you still love...

RE: Confusing, venting, post....Trying to get over someone you still love... (Full Version)

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imthatacheyouhav -> RE: Confusing, venting, post....Trying to get over someone you still love... (6/16/2007 10:26:43 PM)
I'm so sorry you are hurting...if you ever need an ear my mail box is open...

winterlight -> RE: Confusing, venting, post....Trying to get over someone you still love... (6/16/2007 10:37:42 PM)
I agree with Lockit and angelic. Let me put it this way if your best friend came to you and told you this what would your advice be? hugs to you

TexasMaam -> RE: Confusing, venting, post....Trying to get over someone you still love... (6/16/2007 10:38:42 PM)
I think you need to evaluate and analyze what it is that is keeping you two apart on a full time basis. It seems it's more than just distance, otherwise you'd be with him or he would be with you. I don't mean to oversimplify, but a star crossed relationship is usually caused by differences in lifestyle between the two parties involved. Something basic and essential in his lifestyle (beyond his penchant for wanting multiple partners), or some basic aspect of your lifestyle is the reason that he doesn't see you as a potential full time partner. It's his loss, but you still need to identify what that 'thing' is so that you can let it go and move on to find someone who both cherishes what you have to offer and is more compatible with you long term. In the end you have to either decide to let it go, or accept the fact that you'll never 'get over' him and learn to live with the anguish. Either way it's an agonizingly painful road ahead. I hardly know how to offer you the comfort and solace you deserve. Coping with the pain is always easier when you can share it and bounce off of someone close to you as a sounding board. Try to find other subs to talk to and share your thoughts and emotions with. They can offer you the sympathy that comes from similar experiences and that in itself can be very healing. Warm thoughts and sincerest wishes for brighter days ahead, TM

SDFemDom4cuck -> RE: Confusing, venting, post....Trying to get over someone you still love... (6/16/2007 11:41:16 PM)
Awww Geeky, I'm truly sorry to hear that you're going through this much hurt. {{{HUGS GEEKY}}. The only words of advice I can give you is something I learned a long time ago that applies to pretty much every situation in life. From vanilla, friends, business and even D/s. Actions speak louder than words. All I can go by is what you're telling us and while I don't know the other half of the situation I think it essentially boils down to the above sentence. I think you already know in your heart the right thing to do. Go with your heart, believe in yourself and know that there are many here (Me included) that offer a shoulder and an ear when you need one. I've been there, done that and have the still healing ache in my heart to remember it by. you do have the strength to do the right thing. I do feel for you and wish there was a way for it to be easier. It isn't, but you'll get through it. PM me if you need to talk.

LadyHeart -> RE: Confusing, venting, post....Trying to get over someone you still love... (6/16/2007 11:47:15 PM)
There's no right answer in a situation like this one. Everyone is different and has to walk their own path. But one piece of wisdom that is worth considering is this: "If you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got." It seems that you are endlessly repeating a cycle here, and will keep on getting the same outcome until you change something. To quote Anthony Robbins: "Change occurs at the point where the pain or not changing becomes greater than the pain of changing." Listening to your pain, maybe it's time for that change...? Hugs across the miles :)) LH

becca333 -> RE: Confusing, venting, post....Trying to get over someone you still love... (6/17/2007 12:00:29 AM)
I've been there, and I know how you feel, and how hard it is to just break free even when you know it's what you have to do. He's so wonderful when you're together, so perfect, it's all so nearly right. Your skin feels more alive, he can melt you to a puddle with just one word, one LOOK. He's everything you've dreamt of in a Dom. If only.... But finally the 'if only' is just too much. If it's any help (and I know it probably isn't right now) I broke with the best Dom ever, for just the same problems you're having now. Broke my heart, tore me to pieces, cried for weeks. Then I got myself together, kissed a few frogs, and found a new one - and it's wonderful. Not the same, but wonderful in a new way. I wish we could take away the hurt for you, but it's going to go on hurting until you stop the cycle. He thinks that telling you he's still a player absolves him from responsibility for hurting you. I know you're staying friends - but does someone treat a friend this way? Edited due to my total lack of proofreading ability.

GeekyGirl -> RE: Confusing, venting, post....Trying to get over someone you still love... (6/17/2007 1:36:33 AM)
First, thank everyone for the kind words. You all made me feel much better. Thank you so much for the "hugs". What makes this so hard is that we have been such close friends and he knows everything about me...I can tell him anything and never worry that he will judge me. He is the one friend I can call at 3am and know that he'll answer his phone....and on top of that, I love him, I have a dom/sub history with him, and the physical end of things is divine when I am with him. I don't think he deliberately hurts me...I think it's more about doing things and not thinking at the time about how I'll react to it. Part of it is that he is genuinely very lonely and frustrated in his search for a partner....he has been going on lots and lots of dates lately and spending an insane amount of time talking to prospective girls. He almost has an air of desperation about him which is very unusual to anything I've ever seen from him in the past. He almost seems out of control of himself, which is something I've never seen before. I flat out told him the other day that his aura of desperation was extremely undominant and very unlike him and that I was worried about him... I think he may be very depressed himself right now, as I am. He said the week he spent with me reminded him of how happy he is when he has a full time girl. He says he wishes that girl could be me, but knows it can't be. quote: If I were you, the first thing I would do is get clarification on whether or not he is monogamy-minded, then I would take it from there. He prefers to be poly, but has always been willing to be monogamous if he felt the girl in question couldn't handle it. He knows that I seek monogamy and that wasn't really the issue. Monogamy isn't his first choice for a lifestyle, but he is not so dead set on poly that he will turn away a prospective girl over the subject. quote: She has to go with her own gut feelings, we don't know the guy. I really see at least two different angles it could be viewed from. One: He's a scumbag who wants to exploit her feelings. or Two: He feels exactly what she feels: Love,care, attraction, but frustration that they can't be in a fulltime relationship. I tend to think number two is correct. This is a very kind hearted person who always helps everyone around him and has shown himself to be selfless in many ways (not just with me but with family, friends, volunteer work, etc.) I think he feels trapped in his own way because he has feelings for me , but we aren't able to be together. quote: It seems it's more than just distance, otherwise you'd be with him or he would be with you. I don't mean to oversimplify, but a star crossed relationship is usually caused by differences in lifestyle between the two parties involved. Something basic and essential in his lifestyle (beyond his penchant for wanting multiple partners), or some basic aspect of your lifestyle is the reason that he doesn't see you as a potential full time partner. It's mostly distance. We both have aging parents in our prospective home towns that we can't leave. We both have stable careers, etc. I am completely unable to move (I am the only child and there is NO ONE else to care for my parents). He is more able to move (I own my house, he doesn't....I have a ranchette here in the country and there's no way he could house my 8 dogs, 5 cats, and 5 horses in his little apartment). I have the more stable job, with the better retirement, etc. The only other big issue I can see is the "UM" issue. I do not want UMS and am no longer physically capable of having them. He's closing in on 40yrs, and starting to freak out a little about not having had UMs and starting to question if he wants to or not. He doesn't talk about this a lot with me, so I'm not sure how huge of an issue it really is...but I sometimes suspect it is a "bigger deal" than he lets on about. Anyway, I'm mostly just rambling. I don't know what I'm going to do...When I called him on his date, I told him I was upset and he said we'd "talk about it tomorrow when you've called down". So maybe I just need to sleep on it and see what he has to stay tomorrow. Thank you for letting me vent, and for trying to cheer me up and give me good advice.

Phoenxx -> RE: Confusing, venting, post....Trying to get over someone you still love... (6/17/2007 2:16:26 AM)
A big hug to you for your hurting and please pass one on to him too... One thing I was going to ask is if there was any talk about a poly relationship. I see there has been. Perhaps before jumping on someone we should think about such things. I also see in your profile you classify yourself as bisexual. Therefore I would ask: Why are you so against other women in your relationship if you might share them? What is keeping you both away from each other? Also, if he really is interested in a poly relationship, you have to think that through. Some people are not hard wired for monogamy just as some are not hardwired for bottoming or Topping. If you cannot do poly then you need to consider that. As for his answering his phone when he is on a date… if he is the type of friend that you can call at 3AM and ask for help moving the body, then he is the type of friend that will pick up the phone on a date. Now let me ask you, if he didn’t pick up how many times would you call him back? Mixed signals … I am thinking maybe there is a bit of that from both sides perhaps? If you know he is going out on dates and it bothers you stop calling every day. That would send me a mixed message. Maybe ask him to let you know when he is going out so you do not interrupt his date. Try going out on a date yourself. You might have fun and see how it feels. And he will see how it feels too. Try not calling him for a week. If you find you cannot live without him that long then maybe you both need to find a way to be together. One of you may have to move. But is you find you can, then take it one day at a time… like kicking any habit.

GeekyGirl -> RE: Confusing, venting, post....Trying to get over someone you still love... (6/17/2007 2:53:44 AM)
quote: Therefore I would ask: Why are you so against other women in your relationship if you might share them? I don't have a problem with an occasional threesome...but no long term romantic attachments to others and no playing with other people when I'm not in on it.. quote: What is keeping you both away from each other? I touched on this before, but to be more specific -I have a very good stable job with a good retirement program (right now I can retire at 47 and if they pass our new program, I will retire at 40, which is very young to me.) -My parents have health problems and I am the only child. -I raise and train barrel racing horses. His area is not conducive to this, either in terms of climate or in terms of competition available. -My farm is own/paid for...he lives in a tiny apartment and couldn't afford to provide housing for my 20 + critters. -On his end, he does have a decent job, and family nearby. It would overall, in both my opinion and his, be easier for him to move than for me to. quote: Also, if he really is interested in a poly relationship, you have to think that through. Some people are not hard wired for monogamy just as some are not hardwired for bottoming or Topping. He says that at this point, he's not hung up on poly anymore. I don't think that the poly thing is as big an issue as the UM thing. That's the main thing he seems to bring up often. quote: Now let me ask you, if he didn’t pick up how many times would you call him back? I would leave him a message and wait for him to get back to me...at least wait until the next day. He normally tells me when he is going out, but today he didn't. I never call him usually. He always calls me. Every day. And if gets to be after 8pm and I haven't heard from him (like today) I get worried because it's such an odd break in his habit. As for dating myself, I've tried that. But all of them seem like really pale imitations of him. That's when I can find a date...I am notoriously picky and not counting "tom" have only met 2 people in the last 6 months that I was willing to go out with. quote: Try not calling him for a week. If you find you cannot live without him that long then maybe you both need to find a way to be together. One of you may have to move Like I said, I don't call him usually. He generally calls me once a day, text messages me 2-3x a day and contacts me via yahoo every day (usually we talk on yahoo for at least an hour a day). The thing is, although I love him, in order for it to work, he'd have to move and he simply isn't willing right now. I have to respect that choice....Mostly , I think it's just going to be a long slow time of hurting. Everytime I'm half way over him,something will happen to remind me how much I care for him above any of the others I've met. Yes, I know I'm whining...but that's sort of my mindset right now at 4:52 in the morning after being up all night crying. Thank you for the advice and kind words.

swtnsparkling -> RE: Confusing, venting, post....Trying to get over someone you still love... (6/17/2007 3:30:10 AM)
quote: Seems to me he wasn't really considering her feelings at all Sometimes men just do not stop and think/consider feelings before they speak. quote: or worse.... wanted her to be hurt. I think he was a turd for answering the phone while on a date, if he in fact did know it was geeky calling. However I do not think he wanted to intentionaly hurt her. from what has been written no where does it seem to me he is that type of man.

MaamJay -> RE: Confusing, venting, post....Trying to get over someone you still love... (6/17/2007 8:14:36 AM)
Geeky, like the others, I send hugs and empathy. But I am also forced to say ... if he is the one more able to move ... then why the hell doesn't he?? Three years ago Master broke His own little "rule" that a sub would have to move to be with Him by accepting that mine was the better living situation at the time, and moving 5000 km across the country to be with me. Now things are different, and i have moved with Him back across the country to a town about 3 hours away from His family. So, OK, his parents are a consideration ... though I have just moved this distance from my widowed mother in her 80s who needs twice daily care (and who absolutely refuses to go into a home!). However, reasonable care is provided by the community care system here in Australia at low cost, and my mother is the sort that couldn't cope with me doing personal care things for her (like showering, emptying the commode etc). She'd be mortified! It's been tough for her to accept that trained carers have to do it for her. Sure it's not easy to move away but when I discussed the potential with her, she said "Go and be happy. That's all I ever wanted for you". I guess the point I am trying to make is that there are usually ways around obstacles to achieve what we want IF we REALLY want it enough. Perhaps he could move to be with you on the grounds that every month he goes and spends a weekend with his folks (or whatever is needed). Obviously you are not so far apart that it is impossible to travel the distance since you spent considerable real time together in the past. So if he's not willing as you say ... why is he not willing? How can he reconcile that with his "you're the one that I want" messages? I feel there must be something else, perhaps to do with your past tumultuous relationship, that's holding him back. Only the 2 of you can sort this out. If the decision isn't one that you can live with, I would just urge you to find the time when you come to the realisation that nothing, there is no positive that is worth holding on to this much pain for. It was exactly that realisation that has seen me move away from a house in which I'd invested so much hope and love ... which had been destroyed by the breakdown of a very difficult marriage. It got to the point when it just wasn't worth the fight, wasn't worth the pain. The pain of leaving became less than the pain of staying. Are you there yet? Good luck hon! HUGGGGSSS Maam Jay aka violet[A]

GeekyGirl -> RE: Confusing, venting, post....Trying to get over someone you still love... (6/17/2007 8:56:53 AM)
Well I talked to him this morning. I explained to him that I was hurting and I didn't understand why we could just be together. The first thing he brought up with the fricking UM issue. I'm starting to think that's becoming a big deal...which hurts my head because he always knew UMs weren't an option with me and used to say that was ok.

MaamJay -> RE: Confusing, venting, post....Trying to get over someone you still love... (6/17/2007 9:12:49 AM)
Oh hon! I guess that shows that I was right in feeling there was something else underlying it. Wish I hadn't been right for your sake though [&:] If He wants UMs and that's not possible for you ... and that certainly would explain His desperation in trying to find a local girl ... that tick TICK TICK of His biological clock is getting louder in His ear ... this unfortunately appears to be one of those times when a win-win solution just isn't available. The doubly sad thing is that if He goes off and finds someone just to breed with ... in My experience of seeing friends and relatives do likewise, the probability of living happily ever after is not high. Bigger huggsss hon! However, do remember it's quite possible that when He previously said He wasn't fussed about having UMs He really genuinely meant it then ... just that circumstances have changed in His mind. It might well be entirely bewildering to Him as to why this change has occurred. Please don't assume it meant He was lying before, so don't beat yourself up over it either. you can only be true to your values and way you have chosen to live. Doubtless, you reserve the right to change your ideas and options over certain aspects of your life (eg you could decide to sell the farm in a year yet be adamant now that you will be keeping it for the next 20 years!). He has simply changed His mind on this one. Good luck in finding that place of acceptance in this. Maam Jay aka violet[A]

MySweetSubmssive -> RE: Confusing, venting, post....Trying to get over someone you still love... (6/17/2007 9:24:05 AM)
Hi Geeky ... What about asking him to not be in touch so often? You seem to be pretty intertwined, what with calling, texting and IMing. I had a somewhat similar situation with loving my best friend (and then he slept with someone else -- long story). We were used to spending most of our time together and being in close contact, but we had to take a break. It felt weird and counterintuitive and painful, but it was the right choice. I think this might be useful for you as well. You would hear about these other ladies less (and, frankly, I don't understand why he needs to bring them up to you -- that seems shitty) and you'd get a little bit (or a lot) of distance. I'm not sure if this is female manipulation, but it also makes you less universally available to him. He can figure out what he wants from a partner, if it's the UM thing, blah blah blah. Right now he seems to have the best of both worlds. He has your love and friendship, and he can play the field. You can make the choice of saying that doesn't work for you. Hope it helps, MSS

GeekyGirl -> RE: Confusing, venting, post....Trying to get over someone you still love... (6/17/2007 9:24:48 AM)
Thank you MaamJay. And I agree with you, except about selling the farm (it's not in my name so not an option to sell it...it's the "family place.") I have tried very hard not to "villianize" him or think that he's a liar, or that he's doing this on purpose. Sometimes when I'm hurting, I feel that way, but I know that it isn't true. We're just having differences of opinions.I don't want to act immature and resort to "You're being a doody-head" mentality, but sometimes a little of that slips in my mindset. I think you are very right about the biological clock issue...which is very hard for me to understand since I'm the least maternal person on earth and I know I can never have any anyway...I don't even understand why he WANTS them because they don't suit his lifestyle...that's part of why it is so frustrating. I don't think he lied to me before though...that was a few years ago and people change in their late 30's/early 40s. I just wish it didn't hurt so darn much....

velvetears -> RE: Confusing, venting, post....Trying to get over someone you still love... (6/17/2007 9:39:40 AM)
FR i am sorry you are so torn over this situation geekygirl and there doesn't seem to be an easy solution to it. One thing that occured to me, especially towards the end of the thread when you mentioned he seems desperate "to find his one" and now seems to really be changing his mind about wanting to have um's - he turned 40 and maybe he is going through a mid life crisis. Some men have a hard time turning 40 and they evaluate their lives and can do some pretty desperate or out of character things. When you reach mid life you realize - you don't have "all the time in the world" anymore. When you are in your 20's or 30's you can say well one day i want [insert whatever here], as time goes by and your life goes the course of not having those desires and wants met, some re-evaluate their lives and thet can make some pretty drastic changes - like leaving their wife and families, quit their high paying jobs to start up a business they always dreamed of running, etc... His "change" might be that he wants kids. i think for your own well being you need to do what you can to break away emotionally from him. i am not saying drop him as a friend but if he takes up all that room in your heart, there's never going to be room to let anyone else in should they come along. i think you both care very much for each other but maybe are too wraped up emotionally with each other to make it possible for either one of you to move on and find the relationship that will be right for you both. The hardest thing in the world is to stay friend with someone you love and would rather be a life partner with, it's truly torture, the only way to get some perespective and clear your head and heart is distance and time. Good luck and hugs

MaamJay -> RE: Confusing, venting, post....Trying to get over someone you still love... (6/17/2007 10:05:13 AM)
Well the farm thing was just an example, I'm sure you realised that. But it got the point across, people do change. Three years ago we told the real estate agent in Perth she'd never get to sell the house a second time before she retires ... famous last words! Situations change!! However I am glad you are able to see this probably isn't an intentionally hurtful thing or mind change on his part, like velvet, I think it's a midlife crisis thing! (Silently hopes and prays that Master doesn't suddenly desire UMs in about 5 years time ... they're impossible now and even moreso when i'm 55!) I also agree with velvet in thinking you need to break away emotionally now. She hit the reasons spot on in My book. Yes it's hard to pull away ... but harder still to stay. I'm still friends with ex-hubby #1 ... we were nearly 16 years married and now have been 16 years apart (and I've gone through a 2nd hubby since then!) ... but that wouldn't have been possible if we'd not pulled apart when we did, gave each other some space, then re-established the friendship when the hurt had healed to a degree. Still going through that process with hubby 2 ... 5000 km is helping no end though LOL! Be gentle with yourself hon. you deserve that. Maam Jay aka violet[A]

shyinini -> RE: Confusing, venting, post....Trying to get over someone you still love... (6/17/2007 1:53:31 PM)
Wouldnt it be nice if more men weighed in on this subject and gave us their thoughts? Just my thought. Sir's property

GeekyGirl -> RE: Confusing, venting, post....Trying to get over someone you still love... (6/17/2007 1:57:19 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: shyinini Wouldnt it be nice if more men weighed in on this subject and gave us their thoughts? Just my thought. Sir's property LOL, they probably think I'm being a whiny bitch :P But in all seriousness, when I spoke with him this morning, he said that looking back, he could see where he was sending me mixed signals but that it was never on purpose and he would try to be better in the future. His words were "I have very strong feelings for you but I may one day want UMs and other things that you can't provide." So I guess I have my answer. Now I just have to deal with it.

714Lovin -> RE: Confusing, venting, post....Trying to get over someone you still love... (6/17/2007 2:13:35 PM)
This is why long distance sucks. Move forward and relocate to him or walk away with your sanitity. If he can't give you what you need and you can't give him what you need don't be distracted and find your perfect mate. There are others out there if you focus on finding them. If he loves you enough he will allow you to relocated and if you truly love him you will rush to his side. Anything else is just a head game with yourself. Best of luck to you whatever you decide to do,.

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