RE: Confusing, venting, post....Trying to get over someone you still love...

RE: Confusing, venting, post....Trying to get over someone you still love... (Full Version)

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trainedobedients -> RE: Confusing, venting, post....Trying to get over someone you still love... (6/17/2007 2:22:00 PM)
Dear GeekyGirl, I feel for you. You know the answer about what to do, it is already in your heart clouded by these, I must say, insincere messages of a so called friend. I wish you luck and remember in general a D/s relationship is mentally not very different from a vanilla relationship. We do get hurt, we make bad decissions and at times good ones. Love yourself first before you can love someone else. Take care and vent as often as you need to, trainedobedients

EvilGeoff -> RE: Confusing, venting, post....Trying to get over someone you still love... (6/17/2007 4:17:41 PM)
I haven't read through the whole thread, the first page was quite enough... This is going to be from the "tough love" perspective.... Quit blaming him, make a decision and live with it. You have allowed him to stay in your heart. You have continued contacting him and allowing him to contact you. You have held him up as some kind of incomparable master, a standard no one can meet. Of course they can't compare, it's like a woman who wants a mate who's just like her Father. No one can possibly be her father except her father. Until she gets over that little measuring stick, everyone falls short... You allow his messages of desire and devotion to cloud your judgement. Make the man "put up or shut up." Or you kick him to the curb. It's tough to be in your position, but you put yourself there. Let go and move on or take the steps necessary to fix yourself. Then you can work on the relationship. If there is one. YIK, - Geoff

GeekyGirl -> RE: Confusing, venting, post....Trying to get over someone you still love... (6/17/2007 4:57:59 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: 714Lovin This is why long distance sucks. Move forward and relocate to him or walk away with your sanitity. If he can't give you what you need and you can't give him what you need don't be distracted and find your perfect mate. There are others out there if you focus on finding them. If he loves you enough he will allow you to relocated and if you truly love him you will rush to his side. Anything else is just a head game with yourself. Best of luck to you whatever you decide to do,. Thank you for your words, however, I explained a few posts back that relocation is not an option as I am the only child of parents with health problems and my own moral code does not allow me to abandon them and the family farm. Family is always first in my eyes. My romantic needs come second. That's a point of "honor" with me.

GeekyGirl -> RE: Confusing, venting, post....Trying to get over someone you still love... (6/17/2007 5:00:01 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: EvilGeoff I haven't read through the whole thread, the first page was quite enough... This is going to be from the "tough love" perspective.... Quit blaming him, make a decision and live with it. You have allowed him to stay in your heart. You have continued contacting him and allowing him to contact you. You have held him up as some kind of incomparable master, a standard no one can meet. Of course they can't compare, it's like a woman who wants a mate who's just like her Father. No one can possibly be her father except her father. Until she gets over that little measuring stick, everyone falls short... You allow his messages of desire and devotion to cloud your judgement. Make the man "put up or shut up." Or you kick him to the curb. It's tough to be in your position, but you put yourself there. Let go and move on or take the steps necessary to fix yourself. Then you can work on the relationship. If there is one. YIK, - Geoff Tough Love is ok by me :) Sometimes it's what we need...and I don't really blame him( we talked about that on the 2nd page you didn't read [:D]). I know that this is mostly my fault...that doesn't make it hurt any less though. You're right though...I'm just going to have to get over it.

dincubus -> RE: Confusing, venting, post....Trying to get over someone you still love... (6/17/2007 5:22:41 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MHOO314 Well, first of all, I am sorry you're hurting, however, there are some powerful signs you seem to miss or choose to overlook----he appears to be treating you like a "bird in the hand"---IMHO no one who is real and honest sends loving notes and still dates another---remember, being a submissive does not mean you are a door mat. I know exactly how she feel as i have been in her shoes before i found My One. and as for your comment about "bird in the hand" i could not have said it better. and again i echo your opinion about being real and honesty and sending love notes. To me, honesty and truthfulness and honor are all things that i wish to give my one.

leatherette -> RE: Confusing, venting, post....Trying to get over someone you still love... (6/17/2007 5:36:03 PM)
Oh! Those "Almosts". Break my heart = eternity sometimes there is hope. time, place, circumstances, almost can be .. right on time Warmest wishes to you Geeky - I feel for you - take care and while you both may need let go now - things change, people grow..... love can remain: if we don't let it kill us Strong, sweet girl - be well I feel for you.

corsetgirl -> RE: Confusing, venting, post....Trying to get over someone you still love... (6/17/2007 7:24:48 PM)
Hugs, I feel for you and I can relate to a previous relationship that was good but unfortunately, he did not want a commitment from anybody, let alone me. I was silly to think that he would have changed his mind but I did not see the early signs. I cried, mourned the loss, and moved on. All I can say is that love does not have to and should not have to hurt. Only you know what you need to do and for myself, it was not easy to do when you have a conflict with your head vs. your heart.

MasterFireMaam -> RE: Confusing, venting, post....Trying to get over someone you still love... (6/17/2007 8:22:25 PM)
I've been where you are, on some levels. I know it hurts. hug In my opinion, you're selling yourself beyond a point that is healthy for you in order to maintain the relationship. you are trying to please him and ignore your needs in order to still be acceptable in his eyes because this makes you feel worthy, loved and special. If you want a monogamous relationship, you deserve the opportunity to have this with someone special. As much as you are attracted to this man and love him, it doesn't sound like he's a monogamous person. There's no fault, it's just not a match. Knowing that doesn't make you feel any better, but it will help things later when you think back on it. I know from a somewhat similar experience. Master Fire

crouchingtigress -> RE: Confusing, venting, post....Trying to get over someone you still love... (6/17/2007 9:16:52 PM)
i think you would be smart to step back, with no contact, and ride out the detox of the addiction to bdsm and to him, and after the nightsweats, nausea and shakes subside, hang out with your self and get a really good picture of where you are in your life. based on results i would say: you are lonely you are wounded you are a little lost and you are addicted i am not judging this even a little, god knows i go there with every relationship, but its important to realise that in this state you cant think clearly, you cant heal...and you can not move foward. also one last thing, of course when you are introduced to anything for the first time, it becomes the stanndard that you measure all things there after, and so there is no one on earth that will live up to that...so you will have to find a way to let that go...and learn to not expect new people to be him, only differnt.

Stephann -> RE: Confusing, venting, post....Trying to get over someone you still love... (6/17/2007 10:03:34 PM)
GeekyGirl, I know exactly what you mean. Totally. It isn't a question of UMs; it's a question of neither of you are in a position to satisfy the other. It sucks. It's frustrating. The next dozen guys you date will naturally pale, because in your heart you don't want them to be remotely as good as he is. This is a hard suggestion to swallow, but it sounds like you need to cut contact for a while. Here's my reasoning. Adults are naturally inclined to grow closer to other adults they live with. It's a sense of community. The focus, energy, growth you experience with him (and he with you) makes you both more likely to feel good with the other. Those changes you experience, that growth, makes you less likely to be in tune to a new person. New relationships take time, patience, and a certain chemistry. Naturally, those things wont be there right away, and it will always seem easier to just call the trusty stand by. It might be worth the thought to see a therapist and ask about depression (which can greatly compound the issue.) The issues you're facing with him, as well as your parents, may have turned him into an idea of safety, comfort, and peace. The time you spend in person with him requires a great amount of effort and cost for both of you, making it unlikely that you would address any topics that are painful or could otherwise mar the brief time you share in person. It doesn't mean those issues aren't there. Don't feel like you shouldn't indulge yourself in that good cry, either. If you find yourself crying all the time, though, please consider getting some help. Warm regards, Stephan

GeekyGirl -> RE: Confusing, venting, post....Trying to get over someone you still love... (6/17/2007 10:19:33 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress i think you would be smart to step back, with no contact, and ride out the detox of the addiction to bdsm and to him, and after the nightsweats, nausea and shakes subside, hang out with your self and get a really good picture of where you are in your life. based on results i would say: you are lonely you are wounded you are a little lost and you are addicted i am not judging this even a little, god knows i go there with every relationship, but its important to realise that in this state you cant think clearly, you cant heal...and you can not move foward. also one last thing, of course when you are introduced to anything for the first time, it becomes the stanndard that you measure all things there after, and so there is no one on earth that will live up to that...so you will have to find a way to let that go...and learn to not expect new people to be him, only differnt. I think it's absolutely right...but I found it interesting that you mentioned the night sweats and nausea cause that's exactly what happens...shivers, shakes, crying spells.. Once again, to everyone, thank you so much for the advice. It has been really helpful. I'm going to try and separate myself from him and have some distance and hope that helps...but it's going to hurt.

brightspot -> RE: Confusing, venting, post....Trying to get over someone you still love... (6/17/2007 10:49:29 PM)
Fast Reply GeekyGirl, You say his job allows him to travel a lot, he probably has someone like you in a lot of cities. You say you won't and/or can't relocate, so, let it go, do your grieving for the loss of a few dreams and move on, maybe finding someone local. I was in a 2 year LDR and it was hard, we are friends today but that took some time until I could no longer see her as the Domina I loved to a very close friend. Sometimes it never happens and you really just need to let go. Other times it can happen after a passage of time. I myself would take some time with no contact at all for a certain amount of time. Take the time to find out what you really seek, a list of the things a) you would be willing to do. b) you may consider or it could be an option c) things you couldn't or wouldn't ever even consider. There are reason you went through this relationship ponder why and digest what you learned. Most important be good to you![;)] Missy. wanted to add, I am not saying all long distance relationships can't work-out[;)].

CuriousLord -> RE: Confusing, venting, post....Trying to get over someone you still love... (6/17/2007 11:00:28 PM)
You're the most hugged person I've seen yet on this forum. Therefore, I'm nominating you for "Most Huggable".

GeekyGirl -> RE: Confusing, venting, post....Trying to get over someone you still love... (6/17/2007 11:01:10 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: brightspot Fast Reply GeekyGirl, You say his job allows him to travel a lot, he probably has someone like you in a lot of cities. You say you won't and/or can't relocate, so, let it go, do your grieving for the loss of a few dreams and move on, maybe finding someone local. I was in a 2 year LDR and it was hard, we are friends today but that took some time until I could no longer see her as the Domina I loved to a very close friend. Sometimes it never happens and you really just need to let go. Other times it can happen after a passage of time. I myself would take some time with no contact at all for a certain amount of time. Take the time to find out what you really seek, a list of the things a) you would be willing to do. b) you may consider or it could be an option c) things you couldn't or wouldn't ever even consider. There are reason you went through this relationship ponder why and digest what you learned. Most important be good to you![;)] Missy. wanted to add, I am not saying all long distance relationships can't work-out[;)]. Actually he doesn't travel "a lot" but it's not hard for him to get days off when he wants them (he's a computer programmer.) I've met his mom, his best friend, his boss, etc...so I don't think it's situation of being some dirty little secret. He has other girls he is with sometimes but he answers the phone when they call when I'm visiting him and doesn't do any of the nervous, secretive stuff that I associate with liars. He has always been very blunt about his poly tendencies. Hence, I doubt there are other girls just because he has always been such a proponent of honest poly and has always told me about the other girls when he had them. Wouldn't make much sense to only tell me about half of them. However, I do agree with the rest of what you say.

GeekyGirl -> RE: Confusing, venting, post....Trying to get over someone you still love... (6/17/2007 11:02:52 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CuriousLord You're the most hugged person I've seen yet on this forum. Therefore, I'm nominating you for "Most Huggable". Whoohooo! I'm Huggable!Sounds like the name of a pokemon or something...do I evolve to a Kissable and then to a Fuckable? [:D] Yes, I have a weird sense of humour...but thank you :)

FemMiss -> RE: Confusing, venting, post....Trying to get over someone you still love... (6/18/2007 2:44:01 AM)
dear geeky girl... i feel you and how much u r hurt.. honey, time will heal ur wounds.. try to do something new to ur life that will spice up ur days and make u stop thinking about this loser who left u!

charlotte12 -> RE: Confusing, venting, post....Trying to get over someone you still love... (6/18/2007 3:11:13 AM)
I have not read all the responses because i'm about to go to bed but i just wanted to say real quick that i can empathize. I've been in a "kind of" relationship in the past and it can be really hard. What worked for me was finally realizing that i would be settling to be in it and recognizing that as much as we want to be friends and be there for eachother that it will not work to be as close as we have been because we were both hanging on, me knowing it would never truly work although i could not admit it at the time. I would say that if you think he is truly someone you want to be with you are going to have tell him this and set some boundaries. I know you want to be there for him as a friend but if he is truly the friend he claims to be then he's going to have to be there for you too and tell not continue to confuse you. i dunno, i'm tired. i'll come back later sending warm thoughts your way

Daughtry -> RE: Confusing, venting, post....Trying to get over someone you still love... (6/18/2007 4:15:42 AM)
There are a million fish in the sea. But that won't matter until you cut the line on this one. You both have to stop circling the bowl on a relationship you know won't work. That is harder to do than to say though. Good luck.

slaveish -> RE: Confusing, venting, post....Trying to get over someone you still love... (6/18/2007 6:31:04 AM)
Awwww. GG, I am so sorry. I will spare you the similar personal story and instead send you positive energy in letting go of this tremendously powerful addiction. I am in complete agreement with Amy on this one. Be well.

Phoenxx -> RE: Confusing, venting, post....Trying to get over someone you still love... (6/18/2007 9:24:08 AM)
I do not think you are a whinny anything. I think you are a girl that is hurting and seeking help. Something I was wondering if anyone would bring up is what I call "First Dom/sub Syndrome”. Often it seems that the first person you have a relationship in this lifestyle holds a great power over you. You find yourself wanting to keep an attachment or relationship going even if the relationship is harmful. I think it is because too often we suppress our need for this type of lifestyle. When we finally open ourselves to it, the person we first experience it with becomes a larger then life figure. All the frustration we have had by denying ourselves is released and becomes an attachment to that person… I have seen it happen many times. Does that make any sense to anyone? LOL However, if he is calling you daily, but will not move, or give up dating, etc. then perhaps it is time to ask him to make a choice. Either commit or move one. My wife/submissive moved from Montreal, Quebec to Winnipeg, Manitoba to be with me. Her family did not move (thank many Gods), other then our son. We have since moved From Winnipeg to Saskatchewan. We both had to give up things to be together. And yes we met online, just not on Collar me. Fair warning to EVERYONE online seeking a relationship. You will most likely have to give up something to get what you want. If you risk nothing what can you gain? It may be risking getting your heart broken. It may be moving to a strange city and starting over. But the reward is worth it when you find the right person(s).

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