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"Friends Only" - 6/18/2007 10:13:58 PM

Posts: 7306
Joined: 12/14/2005
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I've been here as "friends only" for about two years. I can report absolutely no complications with other guys. I've had good exchanges with them, we've shared experiences, traded theories, sometimes met, and sometimes talked on the phone.

But.....

The "friends only" department with women has been a bit checkered / complicated.

I've been told three things (by others):

1. Men and women can't be friends.

2. A malesub can't be friends with a femdom.

3. "Good luck...."

---------

So what's happened to me??

One friend's (a switch) life situation changed. We used to talk on the phone. Thereafter, for unclear reasons, I could never reach her or have my calls returned.

One friend (sub) gave me the vibe she wanted more.

One friend (femdom) balked at talking on the phone.

One friend (We were in the process of maybe starting a friendship. She was a Femdom, and we had talked on the phone.) informed me that my nickname was "the narcissicist."

One friend (sub, so promising) is in the UK.

(Never met anyone F2F)

---------

Anyway, as a result, I've kind of given up my pursuit of friends across the gender line here. (Not completely, but as you can imagine, pursuing friends burns energy, and if you turn up empty in the end, sometimes you just run out of that energy, that belief.)

What have your experiences been? What does "friends only" mean to you? (Does it mean, "opposite gender, stay away!")

Thoughts and comments appreciated.

Have any of you pushed a friendly email correspondence into a solid friendship? Have you done it across the gender line? How have you succeeded or failed?

< Message edited by cloudboy -- 6/18/2007 10:16:12 PM >

RE: "Friends Only" - 6/18/2007 10:23:12 PM

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Joined: 2/5/2006
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I've made friends, male and female alike here. I email and/or IM with some, I talk on the phone with some, and I've met and plan to meet some. I haven't had an issue with it, other than with some I began to consider friends who really weren't...but that happens anywhere.

(in reply to cloudboy)

RE: "Friends Only" - 6/18/2007 10:38:39 PM

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Joined: 5/3/2004
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Dude. I thought we were buddies, more or less, albeit mutually busy ones without a whole lotta time to keep up with online chitchat. But you know where my inbox is. If you were local we'd be hangin'.

And yes, I have made real life friends here. Including some I have zero interest in playing with, like my male dom buds and bros, and some cool MTF transgender ladies who are fun to go shopping with. Making local friends in the lifestyle is pretty much what I'm here for, and I've had good luck in that department.

Friends only means for fuck's sake please don't proposition me for sex or dating or kinky play because that's really not what I'm here looking for. I'm only interested in intelligent conversation on non kinky subjects of mutual interest, and in connecting with cool people who are NOT looking at me as a sex or play object, just as a fellow nifty human being that might be fun to talk to or spend sociable time with.

(in reply to cloudboy)

RE: "Friends Only" - 6/18/2007 11:39:39 PM

Posts: 617
Joined: 8/2/2005
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Well, I have not made many friends of the male type. Why?? I think that most of them are uneasy in talking with my Master first. But, I have made several friends on the female side. One of which became my best friend for a few years (we had a falling out totally unrelated to the lifestyle, but hay.. that happens). I am always open to friendship, but it is with another Dom, they must approach my Master first.

edited to add Btw ~ we used to talk before, when I was posting. It has been about a year.. How the hell are ya doing??

Just my 2 cents worth

1st girl Phoenix

< Message edited by DragonNphoenix -- 6/18/2007 11:40:51 PM >

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(in reply to cloudboy)

RE: "Friends Only" - 6/19/2007 12:46:58 AM

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Joined: 5/7/2007
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I don't know about other women's experiences, but I've found that once men realize they don't have a chance at a relationship, they lose interest in being "just friends". Which is a shame because outside of the lifestyle, I get along with men much better than women.

(in reply to DragonNphoenix)

RE: "Friends Only" - 6/19/2007 12:49:40 AM

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Joined: 11/4/2006
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It sucks when someone throws up a wall and refuses to be a friend but at least she (or he) knows what she wants and is considerate enough to be direct in letting you know.

In my experience it is possible but difficult to be ‘just’ friends with someone of the opposite sex on here. I’d say nine times out of ten friendships don’t work out because when I want to be friends the other person really wants something else. Sometimes (ok, most of the time) I don’t know what I want but, regardless of the end, all things start with friendship.

Sometimes casual banter isn’t so casual and it is easy to figure out where things are going. Most of the time it isn’t so easy. Our language on here (especially mine) is naturally littered with flirtatious suggestions and provocative quips. For example I love to tease and taunt but it isn’t always an indication of my randy intentions- it is just how I like to move a conversation along. I won’t lie. I know this makes it easy to give the wrong impression. I see this in myself but I also see it I others. I used to immediately put on the brakes when someone I considered prime friend material made a suggestion I thought was too, well, suggestive. I used to really guard the things I say to make sure I didn’t give off the wrong impression. Aside from the fact that I made myself really boring and really bored, I eventually learned not to read too much into things and as a result I have made some truly great friends.

Most of the time I fail miserably but when I succeed it is worth all the trouble…keep trying.

(in reply to DragonNphoenix)

RE: "Friends Only" - 6/19/2007 1:05:24 AM

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I guess it all depens on what you want to call friends. I feel I have made a number of friends here, yet many of the friendships will forever be limited to a font or phone. Although like LadyPaige and DagnyTaggart above I have also found that many men fade away when they realize I really mean only friends. I cant blame them really, like you said Cloudboy, even friendships take energy that sometime we or them just do not have time to give. It's tough especially when limited to online, but it is possible.

_____________________________

The problem with communication ... is the illusion that it has been accomplished. ~George Bernard Shaw

(in reply to DagnyTaggart)

RE: "Friends Only" - 6/19/2007 1:13:32 AM

moose

Posts: 29
Joined: 4/25/2004
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quote:

One friend's (a switch) life situation changed. We used to talk on the phone. Thereafter, for unclear reasons, I could never reach her or have my calls returned.

I think you answered your own point - her life situation changed. This happens to the best of us. Patience, rather than chasing, can sometimes produce better results but even so, it still happens.

quote:

One friend (sub) gave me the vibe she wanted more.

This happens in all walks of life. You're friends with someone and *bam*, you realise there's more to them than you first thought and you would like to take things further. It's either mutual or it's not, but it's not unknown.

quote:

One friend (femdom) balked at talking on the phone.

Phone calls don't fit into everyone's life. Does this make her less of a friend?

quote:

One friend (We were in the process of maybe starting a friendship. She was a Femdom, and we had talked on the phone.) informed me that my nickname was "the narcissicist."

It's an opinion, and not necessarily a very friendly one. Just as sometimes subs and doms realise they're not meant for each other, friends realise this too. We're not all made from the same mould, so probably best to call it quits at the early stage when you realise this is not to be.

quote:

One friend (sub, so promising) is in the UK.

Ummmm I'm not sure of your point here. You have internet, don't you?

How do you define 'friends'? Perhaps your definition is different to those who contact you in friendship. Can friends only be listed by the length of time you have talked/met in person?

I have friends - met through CM, and other www avenues - who are both male and female, sub, dom and nilla, and even some couples (both DD and D/s). Do I think any less of these friends because I have not spoken to them or met them? No. What would I do if one of them asked me to phone them, or asked for my number so they could phone me? I'd most likely tell them thanks but definitely no thanks. The phone is not a big part of my life, it is there for convenience only. That doesn't demean my friendship with them, just that I dislike phones and do not see the phone as being a part of the friendship.

Those who live in a similar location to me, have been occasionally met at a club or munch. We have spoken on the phone prior to that meeting, mainly because it is the easiest way of confirming meet-up details. That is not to say they are better friends to me than those I only talk to via online text.

As for the distance thing, the hours can be ungodly when I'm chatting online with friends in the US (I am in the UK), but then I get up at an ungodly hour anyway. There are very few UK residents up and about when I start my day.

If you want a different kind of friendship, perhaps it might be worth considering looking through a different medium, for example local munches and clubs; taking up new hobbies; craft classes etc.

_____________________________

Land Rovers don't leak oil, they just mark their territory.

(in reply to cloudboy)

RE: "Friends Only" - 6/19/2007 2:11:05 AM

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At one time it was fairly easy for men and women to be platonic friends. The invention of the term "friends with benefits" makes it more difficult. While no strings fun has always existed, it was called something that didn't involve the word "friend." Now when someone claims someone of the opposite sex is their "friend", everyone thinks they're sleeping together. Whoever decided to change the term "lover" to "friends with benefits" should be shot.

_____________________________

Only in the United States is the health of the people secondary to making money. If this is what "capitalism" is about, I'll take socialism any day of the week.

Collared by MartinSpankalot May 13 2008

(in reply to cloudboy)

RE: "Friends Only" - 6/19/2007 2:20:25 AM

Level

Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
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I have quite a few lady friends here (and elsewhere), and as soon as they all realize they should have sex with me, the better off they'll be.

Hang in there, cb, you're a good guy, it just takes time and effort, like you said.

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to defiantbadgirl)

RE: "Friends Only" - 6/19/2007 2:23:37 AM

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Joined: 5/13/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPaige

I don't know about other women's experiences, but I've found that once men realize they don't have a chance at a relationship, they lose interest in being "just friends". Which is a shame because outside of the lifestyle, I get along with men much better than women.

i totally agree with you i also get on better with men than i do with women always have always will lol i find them easier to talk to most of the time wether its to do with bdsm vanilla sex or just normal day to day things i just hate it when they read to much into it

(in reply to LadyPaige)

RE: "Friends Only" - 6/19/2007 2:26:15 AM

ChainedExistence

Posts: 507
Joined: 2/5/2005
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Friendships are fluid-situations and people change. How many friends do you still have from childhood? If we are lucky, we have a few close friends who are with us for years, but most of the time, people are only in our lives only for a certain amount of time. Internet friends are a little tricky especially if they are people you dont also know in real life. It's too easy to mold them into something that may or may not be. Then, as you get to know them better, and they know you, things aren't quite as simple. Maybe too, you have expectations that are a little high for an internet friendship. There are times in my life where I am busy, and I don't see my lifelong friends for long periods of time. It doesn't diminish the friendship-it's just real life. They understand the high demands on my time, and I understand theirs. As for the gender issue-it's hard to say why your male friendships are uncomplicated and the female ones are. Do you interact with each differently? For example, do you tend to engage in flirtacious talk with females and more casual topics with males? That can send mixed signals about your friendship, and can be the cause of some of your problems. A really good friend reminded me of the saying that some people are only around for a season, or a reason, while few are forever. Enjoy the seasonal female friends. If anything, they are teaching you something about relationships that can only help you in the future. Don't fret so over "pursuing" a friendship, and you won't feel such a sense of burnout. A friendship should happen naturally over shared interests. My advice would be to relax. If they are a chat friend for a month or for years, what harm does it really do?

< Message edited by ChainedExistence -- 6/19/2007 2:28:20 AM >

(in reply to moose)

RE: "Friends Only" - 6/19/2007 2:36:54 AM

MasterMagnus321

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Joined: 10/4/2005
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I have never met any males, but two females from this site, and found both experiences pleasureable; one was a very vanilla meeting in a restaurant, and the other was a weekend frolic that was wonderful with regards to the degree to which we were uninhibited and really "connected." That meeting was months in developing, the other very quickly. The second encounter I described was never a "friends" thing, and the first never even developed into a friendship. The first relationship evaporated like the morning dew, the second had some "staying power."

_____________________________

Nothing lasts, and yet nothing passes, either.
And nothing passes just because nothing lasts.
-Philip Roth

~MASTERMAGNUS

(in reply to ChainedExistence)

RE: "Friends Only" - 6/19/2007 3:05:37 AM

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Joined: 7/9/2006
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Ive had good and bad experiences making friends on here with both sexes.
are with a M/s relationship and I have met them quite a lot real time they lie very locally and I think as time goes on we will become great friends. Online I have a handful of people that I talk to quite reguarly some I think will and are on the way to becoming good friends some are just people I chat with. Ive found it very hard to find male friends who are dom that wont start asking me to serve them or start talking about explicit sexual acts etc, something I find quite offensive unless I really know someone. And Ive had the same with some Dommes. I think making friends is hard work but worth it. Even though sometimes it can be really disapointing. When Ive made or tired to strike a friendship with people who are sub/slave orientated Ive found it easier to do with women than men because for some reason with the boys conversation always gets drawn to them wishing they were my boy, which is flattering but not what I want from a friendship.
Its nice to have friends on the site and stuff especially i you frequent it a lot but like someone already mentioned friends change like the weather I dont know half the friends I had 5 years ago lol In fact I can count on one hand the number of close long term real time friends I have and they are like family to me:) If I drop lucky and find more while I'm on here then great but I'm not holding my breath

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Proud mistress

(in reply to MasterMagnus321)

RE: "Friends Only" - 6/19/2007 3:24:06 AM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
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Hi cloudboy - I didn't meet Darcy via here, but we did meet via myspace completely as friends and writing regularly, but obviously things have developed completely out of the blue. It wasn't planned nor designed by either of us - we simply enjoyed the same things and friendship grew into something more. But that's life hey... throws you curve balls now and then to make it more interesting

I don't view people as 'gender' or 'orientation' - I just take a person at face value so I never balk at being friends with anyone. The term 'Friends only', to me is a bit weak in truth. 'Friends only' implies that that friendship has little point - and to me, friendship is important. Friends are a relationship - albeit a non sexual one. Some aren't even tactile. But every relationship is important to me.

I have met people via CM (and other online places) - both male and female - and consider them to be 'friends' who I remain in contact with - some are just 'people I kinda know' - and maybe we write to occasionally. Some I consider much dearer and who also have my trust and know deeper things about me (they know who they are) and there are those I have met real time, one of whom I now consider one of my bestest buds and he is male. I don;t view meeting someone online any different than meeting some new face at a club or gig or down the park.

So in answer to your question - men and women can be friends and have a good stable relationship as long as people are just up front in the beginning. If someone is across the pond from you, I wouldn't dismiss their friendship just because of that. Holidays and trips are cool - Darcy and I recently met one of his long time friends who visited from Canada with his Bro and we all had a blast.

Yes I have met people who have wanted more but those are people who have no respect for my personal limits and then they aren't what I would call 'friends' anyway.

Peace
the.dark.

_____________________________

RC&dc

love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to cloudboy)

RE: "Friends Only" - 6/19/2007 4:15:37 AM

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Good morning cloudboy,

I have several male friends in the vanilla world that are buds without benefits. I know they have talked about my physical attributes and they have been open about wanting something more but I've been up front with them that it ain't going to happen and some dropped off as my friends and others are still my buds - and have been for several years. I figure the ones that dropped off weren't meant to be and I value the ones that remain. Hang in there.

kristy

(in reply to cloudboy)

RE: "Friends Only" - 6/19/2007 4:27:30 AM

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I am listed as friends only as well, but I am not looking for friendships off of collarme. If I happen to meet someone and become friends then that is fabulous, but I don't have the time in my life right now to put energy into making friends online.

There have been several people that I have exchanged emails with. Some of the exchanges only lasted a few weeks and others lasted a few months. There was one I might have considered a friend if we met in person, but they chose not to respect my boundaries.

There have also been several people that I have met face to face. At this point they are people I know and some even have the potential to develop into meaningful friendships. Face to face is where I like to put my energy in building relationships.

As for men and women, some of the best friendships I have had were with men. I find it so much easier to have a friendship with a man. Friendships with women have not been all that rewarding for me.

Knight's Kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to cloudboy)

RE: "Friends Only" - 6/19/2007 4:43:12 AM

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good morning cloudboy----I have made many friends here on CM--of both sexes and both D/s persuasions---I have male and female sub friends and male and female Dominant friends----we chat here, we chat online, we talk on the phone and several I have gone to meet when I was in their area---I count them all as close friends and a few best friends---however, I have also chatted with hundreds of people that didn't make the cut as we say----so I think you just have to keep culling through the apples in the barrel----

and cb you know, we have chatted on a few occasions as well---

< Message edited by MHOO314 -- 6/19/2007 4:44:11 AM >

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(in reply to cloudboy)

RE: "Friends Only" - 6/19/2007 5:23:03 AM

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Greetings. Just wanted to say that creating friends across the gender line is about a seasy as creating friend sof the same gender in my experience. IMO, friendships I have with people here have no gender bias and I haven't had any problems in this area. We banter here and through Cmail and aslso chat on other chat forums. All is platonic and we know we can discuss anything and everything without hesitation. Here in CM, I am proud to call many women "My friend" and I know they say the the same.
Basically "friends only" means exactly that. No different then a friendship withsomeone of the same gender. Either way the sex has no place in both cases. Who I become freinds with is not defined by their gender, it is defined by shared interests, trust and honesty on both sides.

_____________________________

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(in reply to cloudboy)

RE: "Friends Only" - 6/19/2007 6:24:31 AM

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We're exchanged emails, Cloudboy, and I consider you a neat guy with a good mind that I like to talk to. You seem very grounded in reality which is important to me. You are one of the people whose posts I will go out of my way to read and I always take an extra second to consider what you type.

This might hurt: I don't consider you a friend.

This might help: I don't consider anyone I know only online to be a friend.

To me friends are people that I can count on in meatlife, folks I have interacted with face-to-face over a course of years. It takes years for someone to move from acquaintance in meatlife to friends in my mind, eyes, and heart.

So my own definition of any relationship online isn't a matter of the individual, it isn't a commentary on her as a person, it isn't a sign of his attractiveness. It is merely how I define and feel about the different types of relationships we might have.

< Message edited by thetammyjo -- 6/19/2007 6:26:04 AM >

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Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to cloudboy)

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