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One man's kink is another man's abuse... - 6/26/2007 7:16:37 AM   
HornyToadsMI


Posts: 287
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline 		I am noticing here that there are many different kinks!  The joy of freedom!  I do wonder, tho, since i am new here, what would be proper protocol if you see someone abusing another during a scene?  How can you be sure that ssc is being applied, without overstepping bounds and interruping the scene if you are mistaken in your assumptions?

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RE: One man's kink is another man's abuse... - 6/26/2007 8:20:02 AM   
Tatshua


Posts: 31
Joined: 6/26/2007
Status: offline 		Maybe theres a word couples pick to use when it's getting to much. Like, if someone yells out strawberry in the middle of it the other person knows he/she should stop.

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RE: One man's kink is another man's abuse... - 6/26/2007 8:50:02 AM   
HornyToadsMI


Posts: 287
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline 		I know about safe words, but beyond that.....

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RE: One man's kink is another man's abuse... - 6/26/2007 9:02:48 AM   
Alumbrado


Posts: 5560
Status: offline 		Where are you when you see this occur?
If it is an established play space, they should publish a list of protocols covering such things...typically directing you to address the DM.

If it is over at someone else's house, you may have to tread more carefully

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RE: One man's kink is another man's abuse... - 6/26/2007 9:06:57 AM   
stef


Posts: 10215
Joined: 1/26/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: HornyToadsMI

I am noticing here that there are many different kinks!  The joy of freedom!  I do wonder, tho, since i am new here, what would be proper protocol if you see someone abusing another during a scene?  How can you be sure that ssc is being applied, without overstepping bounds and interruping the scene if you are mistaken in your assumptions?

Since not everyone bows down to the altar of SSC, it's a rather meaningless metric to judge abuse.  If you are at a public event and think you see someone being "abused" bring your concerns to the people running the event.  Since you describe yourselves in your profile as "very green," you might not be in the best position to discern the difference between rough play and abuse.

~stef

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RE: One man's kink is another man's abuse... - 6/26/2007 9:11:19 AM   
HeavansKeeper


Posts: 1254
Joined: 5/14/2007
Status: offline 		There's a difference between "too far" and rape or battery.  I know safe words are not taken lightly, and there's often an undeserved sense of failure when they are used, but that's not the point.  When something goes too far, it should be stopped.  Maybe talked through, and life goes on.  What you're describing to me sounds more like public rape.  As a dominant couple, you should have the sense of when it is beyond control... If you mean this in a public dungeon, then it's really not your place to worry... It sounds rude, but just because you might think there is something wrong doesn't mean there isn't.  Now if you see someone crying, pulling against their chains, yelling "red! strawberry! please help me! someone!" Then MAYBE you should take a look at who's whipping them to ensure he or she doesn't have the glazed over eyes of blood frenzy.

I would suggest the following.  Create an atmosphere where safe words are met kindly, and with no sense of failure.  If you intend to gag someone, make sure they have a way to communicate.  Tapping out, snapping, holding up a pinkie finger... anything works.  Just because they used a safeword doesn't mean everything has to come to a permanent halt.

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RE: One man's kink is another man's abuse... - 6/26/2007 9:20:25 AM   
daddysprop247


Posts: 1712
Joined: 6/24/2005
From: DC Metro area
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: HornyToadsMI

I am noticing here that there are many different kinks!  The joy of freedom!  I do wonder, tho, since i am new here, what would be proper protocol if you see someone abusing another during a scene?  How can you be sure that ssc is being applied, without overstepping bounds and interruping the scene if you are mistaken in your assumptions?


as has been stated, there is no way for an outsider looking in to discern abuse between another couple. not to mention the fact that not everyone follows SSC, and in some relationships abuse of the submissive or slave is considered acceptable and right. basically, mind your own business.

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RE: One man's kink is another man's abuse... - 6/26/2007 9:31:19 AM   
HornyToadsMI


Posts: 287
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Alumbrado

Where are you when you see this occur?
If it is an established play space, they should publish a list of protocols covering such things...typically directing you to address the DM.

If it is over at someone else's house, you may have to tread more carefully


I have not seen this occur as of yet.  Sometimes my brain works faster than my fingers during a thread.  :)  But you have answered my question.....and I appreciate your input. 

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RE: One man's kink is another man's abuse... - 6/26/2007 9:34:14 AM   
lateralist1


Posts: 886
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline 		It's pretty impossible to know if someone is being abused or is quite happy with what is happening. Because as you say one person's kink is another person's abuse.
So safe words are absolutely essential.
That is also why I believe that kink should only really be practiced within a safe loving relationship. If not it's easy to abuse someone without being aware that you are doing.
People abuse others all the time in regular vanilla relationships. Personal power is a very strange thing we give it up all the time everytime we enter into any kind of relationship with anyone. Significant others expect certain priveledges often that the other person is not aware of. Just think about the power that a parent has and is often loathe to give back to the child. Just think how often we all do things that we don't want to do because we see it as our duty, our reponsibility or because we recognise someone else's need. And of course the opposite is true also.
If you think you see someone being abused then I think the best thing to do is to talk to them about it. But we can not be our brother's keeper. It is up to each one of us to make sure that our relationships are healthy and meeting our needs. Just because someone is a sub does not mean that they shouldn't be able to stand up for themselves. However it is our duty to help those who can't if they will let us.

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RE: One man's kink is another man's abuse... - 6/26/2007 9:34:24 AM   
HornyToadsMI


Posts: 287
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline 		For those who have said "mind your own business", what is why I am asking.  Thank you for all your input.....I would rather know the protocols, then misstep and insult someone. 

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Go with your gut - yes, I am being a Smart Ass!

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RE: One man's kink is another man's abuse... - 6/26/2007 9:46:39 AM   
pagansub77


Posts: 137
Joined: 3/5/2005
Status: offline 		Using Fast Reply
Greetings,
At the places I play it is always stated that it's important to respect each others differences, whether they scene with feathers or barbed wire. Beyond that, it's suggested that if something is too intense for you personally, go find another scene to watch or go back out to the conversation area. If you are truly concerned about someone's safety, find a DM and ask them to take a look.
The basic rule is Never interrupt a scene. That's what the DM's are there for.

I wish you well,
ps77

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RE: One man's kink is another man's abuse... - 6/26/2007 3:37:18 PM   
starDF


Posts: 35
Joined: 3/4/2005
Status: offline 		i remember when i was new to the parties and such.  there were a few times i was concerned and would tell Master since He has been around the scene much longer than me.  He would observe and if he was a DM would step in if needed and check to see if things were ok or He would talk to another who knew the couple or who was in charge. i would never say ignore it, talk to someone even if it's to ask questions and understand a new style of play.

i would personally say never interrupt a scene if you aren't 150% sure it's abusive.  Many have tried to stop Master and me.  People tried to convince me that He was abusive when we first met (long story).  So, now when we play they want to stop it even 5 years later.  Master and i have a tendency to play hard and do a lot of edge play in venues where it is allowed.  But, typically He will warn a DM so that they know it's going to happen if someone expresses concern it is known in advance that the type of play is ok with both of us.

Hope this helps some

Darkness Fallens star

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RE: One man's kink is another man's abuse... - 6/26/2007 4:24:40 PM   
sadomasokisti


Posts: 221
Joined: 10/20/2005
From: Iceland
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: starDF

...typically He will warn a DM so that they know it's going to happen if someone expresses concern it is known in advance that the type of play is ok with both of us.

Hope this helps some

Darkness Fallens star



Personally I think that is a very good idea to let DM or others in the area know what is about to happen. Can safe a lot of speculations, interruption and bad rumors.

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RE: One man's kink is another man's abuse... - 6/26/2007 4:27:55 PM   
amaidiamond


Posts: 1793
Joined: 2/6/2006
From: Watford / London
Status: offline 		Master and I are the same, very much into edge play and rough body play and i have lost friends because they "will not stand around and watch me being abused" - Personally I love Master, I love how we play and I am happy, I thrive on it but in the time we do get to be togehter and go to a public event we make sure DM's are aware.

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RE: One man's kink is another man's abuse... - 6/26/2007 4:31:47 PM   
LadyHeart


Posts: 561
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: starDF
But, typically He will warn a DM so that they know it's going to happen if someone expresses concern it is known in advance that the type of play is ok with both of us.



It is play party protocol to ask the host or DM if edge play is acceptable and get permission in advance, especially if you are not known at the venue. Personally, I have never seen a scene stopped because it looks abusive. You are much more likely to be stopped if you appear to be under the influence. The DM will generally have enough experience to judge the sub's reactions. I have seen a DM have a quiet word with a sub before stepping back and allowing the scene to continue. But it's rare. Your best advice is to look away when you see something you don't like. You'll get used to it!
:))
LH

PS For newbies, I have some info on my profile concerning play party protocols. It's in my journal.

< Message edited by LadyHeart -- 6/26/2007 4:35:54 PM >

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RE: One man's kink is another man's abuse... - 6/26/2007 7:05:37 PM   
asubmissiveheart


Posts: 462
Joined: 11/20/2006
Status: offline 		Great question HornyToad.
Good communication prior to playing is a good start.
Also, establish what the submissives limits will be and
give him a safe word.

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RE: One man's kink is another man's abuse... - 6/26/2007 7:33:08 PM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline 		As I doubt you're peering into people's windows without their knowledge, this is something that happens at either a public play space or a private party. There are dungeon monitors who patrol public spaces and smart types who plan very edgy scenes usually mention it to the D.M. ahead of time so they don't have their fun interrupted.

In a private home, ask the host or hostess. Either they are acting as the D.M. or they will have asked someone else to do so.

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RE: One man's kink is another man's abuse... - 6/30/2007 6:15:16 AM   
Manawyddan


Posts: 701
Joined: 1/2/2005
From: Petaluma (Northern California)
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lateralist1
So safe words are absolutely essential.


Communication is essential. Not everyone plays with safewords.

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RE: One man's kink is another man's abuse... - 7/1/2007 2:18:08 AM   
chellekitty


Posts: 3923
Joined: 3/27/2005
Status: offline 		the only time i could see it be acceptable for you to interupt a scene, as an observer, not a DM....is if you see some sort of imediate danger that the players themselves can't....the backlash of the single tail is working loose the cords holding the lights up and its about to come crashing down on their head...or the blood is running off the drop cloth.....or you noticed that the subs not rolling her head back in extasy, that they've actually passed out.... or maybe if you really want to get to that play station on the other side of them and there is absolutely no wiggle room, but wait for a natural pause in the scene for that...
otherwise ask someone in charge and theres always someone in charge whether its Dungeon Monitors or board memebers or person who pays the money to rent the space or house owners or whatever...there is always someone in charge who hopefully knows the players and also hopefully was alerted to an edge play or extreme scene...(i'm almost sure if it had been a busier night at least one person would have gone to a DM at an event i was getting a cutting at...after just peeking in, seeing the pile of blood soaked paper towels (in a laid out trash bag) and the scapels laid out for use...but the DM's knew about it...)
and finally, if something makes you uncomfortable and the person in charge says its ok, leave, the room, the house, the building...whatever you have to do to get away...if its not fun, why do it??
chelle
House Infernus

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RE: One man's kink is another man's abuse... - 7/2/2007 11:14:00 AM   
Masque66


Posts: 185
Joined: 5/4/2007
Status: offline 		I think there's too much grey area to judge.  Not everyone plays Safe, I doubt everyone is Sane.  I think the only black border is consensual.  At least in my opinion it is.  Just about everything else becomes open game.  In a public scene there are usually house rules to follow.

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