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RE: Do you ever feel like you are not living up to what your Dom expects?


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RE: Do you ever feel like you are not living up to what... - 7/11/2007 1:35:46 AM   
SlND3R3LLA


Posts: 118
Joined: 6/19/2007
Status: offline
I don't feel submissive all of the time either, a lot of us don't.  I am not submissive outside of this relationship and I just dare anyone under any other circumstance to try and tell me what to do.  My Master and I don't have what most would consider a TPE 24/7 dynamic, but it's what works for us as a couple.  He doesn't manage what I do, I just do what I know will make him happy, and what seems logical.  I submit to him because not only is he my Master, he is my husband.  We were M/s before we were married though, so the situation is a bit different than yours.  I am not sure how one can adjust when they had a relationship that existed before the D/s one did.  We more started as Master and slave, then got to know each other and fell in love. 
 
There are still days when I must bite my tongue in order to not say something back, but those are probably always going to be there.  He is not hard on me, I am usually hard enough on myself.  If he only knew what I wanted to say and didn't, I would surely get some credit.  There are moments when I want to say "Get up and make your own damn breakfast", then I think about how much he does for me and how much he really cares for me, and I know in my heart this is something that pleases him with really very little effort on my part.  I try to make little ways of showing him how special I think he is, and how much I want to make him happy.  It doesn't have to mean walking around naked all day, it can mean a special meal, or meeting him with a cold drink on a really hot day. 
 
The fact is, even if we weren't in the dynamic we are, I would still respect him in everyway.  He is a good man, honest, loving, caring, protective, kind, a good provider, and always supportive of my thoughts and decisions.  That is how I try to look at it when maybe I don't feel quite so submissive, I look at all he brings to my life and realize that there is no way I could ever do enough to show him how much he means.  I then give over my submission with all of my heart, knowing at the end of the day seeing him happy is well worth a few stitches my tongue might have to take.
 
~sin, Masters sore tongued slave

_____________________________

And in that moment, everything I knew to be true about myself up until then was gone. I was acting like another woman, yet I was more myself than ever before. ~F

To hell with diamonds, lube is a girls best friend ;)

(in reply to akbarbarian)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: Do you ever feel like you are not living up to what... - 7/11/2007 5:02:39 AM   
LeatherBentOne


Posts: 469
Joined: 9/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: zindyslave

Lately I have felt like I am failing my Master. I am having doubts that I can be a slave the way my Master wants me to be. I guess I am just not ready (if that is the word) for it, I guess I need some mentoring from someone on how I can over come some of the problems that are keeping me from submitting to him everytime I should. I guess I am looking for reassurance that I am not the only one to have this problem.


Just a thought, and a method that Ive used in the past, and seemed to work for me with my submissives:

Why dont you ask him to designate times when you are expected to "be in role" (that phrase for lack of a better one).  When you are expected to be in role, agree on a signal, perhaps a special collar, to indicate this.

I find that new subs have a problem, at first, getting into the mindset of submission in a 24/7 because its difficult for some of them to become instantly selfless to a dominant's full expectation, thus need down time, and time in general.  It can also be a reminder of your status in the relationship. 

In my 24/7's, I gradually decreased her down time as I simutaneously increased my expections; that is, I started slow and increased intensity gradually, so that both of us could make the necessary internal adjustments.  I also keep in mind that every sub is a different person with different needs and growth processes.  Yes, BDSM is an ongoing process, and doesnt come with directions so we are always learning.

I hope by experiences have helped given you something to consider, and I wish you the absolute best.

LBO

(in reply to zindyslave)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: Do you ever feel like you are not living up to what... - 7/12/2007 12:53:53 AM   
shyinini


Posts: 550
Joined: 5/4/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: zindyslave
I guess I am questioning whether I am a slave or not. Or if I should even be a sub.


I dont understand why you would want to label yourself submissive or slave and let it have such importance.  Just be who you are, obedient or not obedient.  Leave the rest to your husband and dominant. 
 
Sir's girl

_____________________________

With grace and gratitude, I am owned.
A Man who always seeks to be the best He can be for you
is the only Man truly worthy of being called Sir.


(in reply to zindyslave)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: Do you ever feel like you are not living up to what... - 7/12/2007 5:56:26 AM   
StellaByStarlite


Posts: 790
Joined: 2/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: zindyslave

It is what he expects of me because he gets frustrated and angry when I don't do what he wants. I just think that I am still stuck in how our relationship used to be and am having problems switching over from that mindset. Sometimes I can do it and sometimes I can't. It is like I have to be in that mind set before I will do it. And I am not always in that mindset. I am hoping with time I can get in that mind set, but alot of people on here say they are submissive because it came natural, and it doesn't come natural to me all the time. I guess I am just stubborn. I don't really know.


Okay. I have to ask this... is "being stuck" in your previous relationship such a bad place to be? What, exactly, are you afraid of if it does, somehow, turn out that you're not slave material ( whatever that means to you? ) 

I mean, you are married, so that, in itself, is ( or should be) a very strong commitment. I don't know if your marriage started out vanilla like mine did. But if it did, then that means you definitely have a "soft spot" to fall on. Your husband won't leave you because of all this, will he?

This is just my opinion, but a new M/s dynamic within a marriage is just another layer on the commitment cake. Some people desire that layer more then others do, it's true. But don't let M/s stress out your original commitment too much.

(in reply to zindyslave)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: Do you ever feel like you are not living up to what... - 7/12/2007 5:59:39 AM   
michaelOfGeorgia


Posts: 4253
Status: offline
since i don't have a Domme, i can only say, i'm living up to my father's expectations. he always said i wouldn't amount to anything...and i haven't.

_____________________________

Are we having fun, yet?

(in reply to StellaByStarlite)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: Do you ever feel like you are not living up to what... - 7/12/2007 6:17:22 PM   
zindyslave


Posts: 601
Joined: 1/14/2007
Status: offline
I know that I have a bigger commitment than just M/s, I know he wouldn't leave me over this, but as of right now it stresses the relationship as a whole when I don't do as he asks. I work everyday except weekends and it is hard to come home and want to serve him after being on my feet all day, he stays home and takes care of things at the house, so I guess it is just harder to get in the right mind set. And the reason I am using the titles is because I don't think I can fit what he considers slave, and that is what I am talking about when I use those titles. I am just afraid if I don't fit the slave or sub material that I will lose out on the things I love to do and he loves to do to me. We have considered the bottom thing for scenes but that seems a little less than both of us want. I do alot of things I want to do during the day after work, and on the weekends I try to be submissive as much as I can without feelings like he is using me....which is probably how i am supposed to feel but I don't like feeling that way. I guess being independent is more of a psychological thing than anything else, and it is hard to conquer. And our marriage did start out vanilla and we discovered this together and are now exploring it, and I am learning more than I thought I ever would and that I guess is making me think what might be better for me considering that I love being independent. Thanks for all the advice. I would like to try the being submissive at certain times, will talk to him about that. 

_____________________________

http://www.myspace.com/zindygirl

Only when you see the invisible can you do the impossible.

(in reply to michaelOfGeorgia)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: Do you ever feel like you are not living up to what... - 7/12/2007 6:22:27 PM   
emetikos


Posts: 5
Joined: 7/25/2005
Status: offline
I think the most important thing is that you are both happy in your relationship and do what works for both of you than it is to conform to any set ideas about how you should behave as a submissive or a slave.  If you're not happy then what's the point?

(in reply to zindyslave)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: Do you ever feel like you are not living up to what... - 7/12/2007 7:55:23 PM   
zindyslave


Posts: 601
Joined: 1/14/2007
Status: offline
Well, yes I know but my and his idea of slave/ and sub are differnet and it makes it harder for me to be as such. I am happy except disappointed that I am not as submissive as I thought I was. 

_____________________________

http://www.myspace.com/zindygirl

Only when you see the invisible can you do the impossible.

(in reply to emetikos)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: Do you ever feel like you are not living up to what... - 7/14/2007 11:30:22 AM   
palerose


Posts: 12
Joined: 6/25/2007
Status: offline
I only just started out with my first Dom and things are going well. However I constantly feel I am letting him down, he reasures me I'm not, and that I just have alot to learn but that I'm doing well for a newbie.
It's going to be hard to let go of what I expect of myself and accept that it is his expectations that I have to live upto now. I do get things wrong, and I need to learn alot, but although I believe I am lucky to have found a considerate Dom who will guide me and teach me with fairness, I also believe that every sub deserves that luck.

If he is constantly criticising you then I would definitley say it's time for a chat. Although it sometimes feel like it is us subs/slaves who have all the work to do, our Masters have alot of work and responsibility to keep our submission. I do not agree that submission is a gift, it is not unconditional. It is something to be earned by someone who knows what to do with it. The harder a Dom works, the more they will get out of their sub, and by work I mean reassurance and encouragement. It's incredibly unromantic, but my Master gave me a comparison to the dynamics of a D/s realtionship: The master of and old house and his lowest servant under his household. If the Master does not treat the servant well, he will get poor work from him/her.

I feel a little unqualified to be writing in forums, so I'm going to say that although I've had these feelings for years, I've only got involved in things with other people in the past month. But I wanted to give my 2cents anyway

pr x

(in reply to agirl)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: Do you ever feel like you are not living up to what... - 7/14/2007 9:09:33 PM   
easternsun


Posts: 1
Joined: 3/21/2006
Status: offline
When my submissive desires surfaced, my husband and I tried to transform a 20 year marriage into an M/s relationship. We loved the first few months, but hated the next six months - a time when we both focused almost completely on each other's failures -, abandoned hope of ever being able to pull it off, and then slowly, slowly, very slowly began to realize that change, real change (as opposed to temporary role-playing) was occurring.

I laugh and say today that I am still an imperfect slave, but a much better wife.

(in reply to palerose)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: Do you ever feel like you are not living up to what... - 7/14/2007 9:38:00 PM   
BlackWolfSwitch


Posts: 40
Joined: 4/4/2007
Status: offline
I think we all get like that from time to time (speaking on the submissive side).
I have a Mistress at the moment, and have gone through a number of Dom/mes that didn't work out too well.
At times, I get that feeling that I'm not up to par on what my owner believes is good enough, but I know that thinking that way only brings me down, then starts weighing harder as time goes on.

My advice.. evaluate what you do, what you've done.. and how far you've come since the start. Look at it and then go to your Dom. Ask how it is percieved in their eyes, if you have done well, or are still in need of tuning.

It's probably not as horrible as you think the answer may be. ;) Optimism is better in this lifestyle than otherwise.

Pawprinted,
Wolf
~Owned, and not screwing up (I hope lol) ~


_____________________________

"Command of the collar, or submission to wear it. It's your choice. My choice is to know what I like from both."

(in reply to zindyslave)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: Do you ever feel like you are not living up to what... - 7/15/2007 3:35:14 AM   
IamonlyMEAT


Posts: 10
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline
Any problems in a relationship like this are, by the nature of such relationships, the masters fault. If you're not satisfying him, he has only himself to blame for not training your properly. 

(in reply to agirl)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: Do you ever feel like you are not living up to what... - 7/15/2007 5:16:19 AM   
Donnalee


Posts: 339
Joined: 7/15/2006
Status: offline
I think you're asking yourself great questions and if you continue to explore and examine your desires and reactions, you'll do great.  Things change as we bring fantasy into real life.  Lots of times pastries look better than they taste.  Clearly you're invested in working at this...see it through....who knows what you'll learn about yourself.  Good Luck!

(in reply to IamonlyMEAT)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: Do you ever feel like you are not living up to what... - 7/15/2007 10:45:16 PM   
NefertariReborn


Posts: 381
Status: offline
Would it be too difficult to go back to a vanilla dynamic?  I'm concerned that you feel that your husband/Dom is "using" you.  It could be that you are not submissive.  It's not impossible nor is it WRONG or LESS THAN! This may not be the way you wish to relate to your husband on a long term basis. 

(in reply to zindyslave)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: Do you ever feel like you are not living up to what... - 7/16/2007 4:48:41 AM   
Twicehappy2x


Posts: 1096
Joined: 3/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl

I say no sometimes and I also don't want to do what M wants me to quite often

I don't feel badly about it. He knows me well enough to know that I won't want to do them, though he still expects me to comply. He'll simply do one of two things........either not make it worth my while NOT to comply or change my attitude so that I actively want to comply. As he's capable of doing both, I don't worry about it and nor does he. I've never been made to think it's a flaw, nor that I *should* be  certain way.

It would be unrealistic of M to expect me to WANT to submit to everything he wants but not unrealistic to expect it to happen. He can make it easy, or hard for me to do.

THAT part is in his hands.



BRAVO!!!!!!

Scooter does get annoyed sometimes but the rest of this post is perfect.

No, we are not always going to want to do whatever they want, even when our drive to please is extremely high. Everybody has little triggers that make them balk.

Yes i do get upset with myself over it, but the truth is that while it is our job(subbie/slave) to do our utmost to obey if we reach a point where we freeze or say "oh hell no" it is the dominants job to help us figure out why and change that reaction.

I am not saying we should not take responsibility for our efforts, only that some times  there comes a point where the dominant needs to recognize that there is a problem that he needs to handle because we have a reached a point where we can't.

You said it perfectly " That part is in his hands".

_____________________________

The human heart is not a finite container but an ever expanding universe with all the stars contained there in.

(in reply to agirl)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: Do you ever feel like you are not living up to what... - 7/16/2007 11:16:08 AM   
slaveofKaos


Posts: 143
Joined: 2/16/2007
From: California
Status: offline
I used to doubt myself a lot especially when it came to what Master thought of me, and when I would bring it up to my Master, he wouldn't understand my doubts at all, then I realized when he doesn't like something he has no problem telling me about it. So in the end I realized I don't have to have doubts because he will let me know when something is up and I should just focus on serving him the best I can. I also realized that when i'm in doubt I tend to be depressed and sad and that travels over to Master and puts him in a not so great mood (not a bad mood just kind of uneasy not knowing whats going on but can sence something is.) So be aware that your mood will affect his which could feed what your already thinking. You could push him to doubt you because you doubt yourself so much.

_____________________________

slave jodi

(in reply to agirl)
Profile   Post #: 56
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