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RE: Very new - need help - 7/12/2007 10:18:47 AM

Posts: 82
Joined: 8/5/2006
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I agree with everyone else, but let me add a couple of additional.

There is no BDSM God or organizing body defining WIITWD. So, be really clear with what you yourself really, truly want and need! For me, I dislike pain, but will endure some, but love surrender, someone else be in charge and me just obeying his desires. I know most people like pain, but I'm not most people and even if you are most people in that area, you aren't in others. I also have to say, I'm much less intense and probably more vanilla than most people on this board. But this isn't a competition. So be true to what is right FOR YOU and for him, not for the rest of us.

(in reply to littleone35)

RE: Very new - need help - 7/12/2007 7:46:18 PM

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From: NYS
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I seem to differ from everybody else. I find the idea of a dom wanting you to learn a lot, talk to others and gather information from many different sources to be refreshing. It's a lot more usual for a prospective dom to restrict the sub from talking to anyone else or even reading online or in books for fear she'll challenge him and he won't have an answer.

However, if you're feeling lost do ask him for suggestions of where to go to learn.

About the six months waiting, I don't subscribe to it. I did all my waiting and figuring out what I wanted in a partner offline and only came on when I was ready to look. I knew what I was looking for; a man of my age with similar moral values who I could be friends with for realtime bondage and sex play. I got that and a lot more.

I do second the bdsm checklists idea. Read over them and rate the idea from one to five, ask him about stuff you don't understand. Ask him to fill out the checklists also and I really believe play should start with stuff you both rank highly so that there's more likelihood you'll have a good experience and want a second round.

(in reply to kossack)

RE: Very new - need help - 7/13/2007 7:12:44 AM

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Joined: 5/19/2007
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Don't 'try to be' anythign at all. if you're curious about the D/s dynamic, look for some public venues, speak to people. Don't try to type-caste yourself off the bat. You may not even like half the activities sub's involve themselves in, maybe you'd like merely switching in the bedroom. Study the subject, don't try to partake if you have no idea what's going on. Play it from the sidelines, watch and read. If the guy wants to bone you, tell him to vanilla up if you want to get involved with him, but don't let him put fake labels on you. Only YOU get to decide what you're feeling or what you like.

(in reply to littleone35)

RE: Very new - need help - 7/13/2007 11:11:55 AM

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Joined: 4/25/2006
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gooddogbenji that wasn't a very nice comment but it made Me smile on a Friday. Thanks.

LordVelvet

(in reply to ProlificNeeds)

RE: Very new - need help - 7/13/2007 11:41:47 PM

NefertariReborn

Posts: 381
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sub4hire

quote:

ORIGINAL: ZoeAngelina

I'm trying to understand how to be a sub - what do I do, say, etc. Advice would be welcomed. I've tried to research this but come up with conflicting articles. A Dom is interested in me and wants me to get advice and talk to other subs. Please help - I'm very vanilla, inexperienced, and just don't know what questions even to ask.

To go on a different tangent from the rest. You say a "dom" is interested and wants you to talk to other subs.
So I must ask this, why does he want you to talk to other's? Can't he talk to you himself? Since he apparently can not, you need to ask him why he can't talk to you?
Clearly if he has been around he has interests. He wants his submissive to act a specific way. What way is that, unless of course he has no clue himself. That's the reason why you have to ask others.
If he has no clue, do you want him as your dom knowing he is inexperienced and not even honest enough to tell you that while you are playing something could go terribly wrong and you could be injured. All because he did not know it could go wrong?

Bottom line here, a good dom will work with you. They won't send you out to be trained by others, because they already know other peoples training is not exactly the way they want you to be. A good dom is patient they will listen to you.
Any good relationship whether vanilla or lifestyle is built on communication. To be able to share your feelings and be listened to.
Sounds like it has already went the wrong way.

And then it COULD be that he realizes that she doesn't know a thing and that talking to others might be a first step in helping her find herself. Knows that some people were born with the concise slave training manual in one hand but I came out seriously cute looking but with only the "potential" to know stuff. When I took the step over to the dark side I talked with every Dominant I could find within a 50 mile radius. Online r/t didn't matter I wanted as much information and perspective as possible. OR it could be that he realizes he's probably the only Dom she's been exposed to and it would be sort of insider trading to scoop her up right away. Nothing like a "friend" to give you the down low on all the Doms and who's dreamy and who's creepy. BUT in the end We have no clue as to why he told her to speak to the other subs because she never said (at least as far as I have gotten in this thread). Why do We immediately jump to the negative? The glass half full is so much more well "potentially fulfilling."

(in reply to sub4hire)

RE: Very new - need help - 7/14/2007 9:55:00 AM

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Joined: 2/20/2007
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Hi angelina,

Only the Dominant who is telling you that that He wants you to be a submissive to Him can tell you what He wants, likes and expects out of a submissive.

I would ask Him what it is that He wants and expects out of a submissive, let Him have open communication with you, tell Him that you dont want Him to hold anything back and to just be honest with you.

There is alot of misconstrued topics on submission on the net and in books....most of it is fantasy by the way and doesn't really happen in real life. Your best bet is to find out from Him what He seeks and once you get that information bring it back here, and there is a whole group of us that can help you from there but until we really know what He's looking for there isn't much any of us can do.

The first step I will tell you is to have faith in your self....until you have that He wont respect you as much as He should, by going to Him and asking Him what His expectations are will show Him that your serious and want to be pleasing. My email is always open for one on one conversations and advice.

~meticulous~

(in reply to ZoeAngelina)

RE: Very new - need help - 7/14/2007 9:56:50 AM

grlneedstolearn

Posts: 728
Joined: 1/29/2007
Status: offline

i was the same way when i met my second Dom, since the first lied to me and i broke it off. Ok back on the subject, i would say work with your Dom and learn from him since all of us have different ways of learning to be a sub, and some that are collared (i think but i could be wrong), are still learning to be a sub.
Best of luck

(in reply to ZoeAngelina)

RE: Very new - need help - 7/15/2007 12:10:18 PM

ready4srvce4all

Posts: 767
Joined: 3/9/2007
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Be yourself, know what you are really looking for, and don't settle. Don't feel you have to rush anything, and never compromise your safety, principles, or values.

_____________________________

(in reply to ZoeAngelina)

RE: Very new - need help - 7/15/2007 5:41:55 PM

Posts: 3045
Joined: 11/23/2006
Status: offline

Greetings zoeangelina,

i remember my first interested Dom very well...he still lurks here and stalks me when he can on yahoo and here on CM. But he did give me some excellent advice at the start because i was like you and did not know a thing about what to do. He told me to go online and learn all i could

... i found CM along with some other excellent sites and in a very short time, i discovered quite a few red flags in the budding relationship. When i was told to tell a lie to his current sub, i questioned him about the "total honesty" aspect that i had read about and was subsequently "banned" from any more internet/book information. Final red flag!! So do your research, stay in these forums, find friends and most of all...give yourself time to "know yourself"~

_____________________________

It is choice - not chance - that determines our destiny~
Jean Nidetch

There is a war going on for your mind...if you are thinking, you are winning~
Flobots

(in reply to ZoeAngelina)

RE: Very new - need help - 7/15/2007 8:27:12 PM

Posts: 377
Joined: 5/20/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Celeste43

I seem to differ from everybody else. I find the idea of a dom wanting you to learn a lot, talk to others and gather information from many different sources to be refreshing. It's a lot more usual for a prospective dom to restrict the sub from talking to anyone else or even reading online or in books for fear she'll challenge him and he won't have an answer.

However, if you're feeling lost do ask him for suggestions of where to go to learn.

About the six months waiting, I don't subscribe to it. I did all my waiting and figuring out what I wanted in a partner offline and only came on when I was ready to look. I knew what I was looking for; a man of my age with similar moral values who I could be friends with for realtime bondage and sex play. I got that and a lot more.

I do second the bdsm checklists idea. Read over them and rate the idea from one to five, ask him about stuff you don't understand. Ask him to fill out the checklists also and I really believe play should start with stuff you both rank highly so that there's more likelihood you'll have a good experience and want a second round.

I agree with Celeste, That he wants you to seek out independent information and make friends in the community for yourself is a good thing.

(in reply to Celeste43)

RE: Very new - need help - 7/15/2007 11:03:35 PM

Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline

I agree that it is a GOOD sign that He wants you to talk to other subs and learn from a variety of people since you are so very very new. I would actually think it a red flag if He was trying to cut you off from others and trying to tell you He has all the answers to everything you need to ask! Yes it is true that in the SPECIFICS every Dom is different, and He should train you to serve Him as He wants. But there is an awful lot of general stuff you need to learn about first, and having a variety of ideas and opinions is good! It would be helpful (and perhaps telling) if you were to ask Him whether He could at least provide you with a list of keywords to research. If He can't/won't, then maybe that's a red flag that He too is inexperienced. And yes, in my very new sub-seeking-Master days i caught out a potential Dom who professed to have had a slave for years yet didn't have a clue about sub space ... and when I enlightened Him, He said He'd punish His girl if her mind wandered like that! Instant reject and ignore button from me!

Some examples would be: munch, play party, safe call, safeword, sub space, sub drop, sub fever/frenzy, switch, collaring, humiliation, SSC and RACK ... and that's not even venturing into play techniques such as watersports, needle play etc etc! I am working with a new sub at the moment (whose only previous experience was negative with a "friend" who didn't respect safewords etc) and I have been giving her a guided reading program to allow her to engage with these ideas through a few articles on each subject, form her own ideas and then W/we have an open discussion. she's thrilled because she is learning so much ... and I have encouraged her to come to these forums too. At the moment she's reading, not ready to post. But she will be visiting for a week from Friday and I am very much looking forward to getting to know her more personally than online and on phone.

I was a bit shocked to see so much negativity in the earlier responses to this, while I know many are trying to be protective of a new potential sub, not everyone out there is fake if they encourage someone to learn from the community at large ... and not everyone who enjoys engaging with new subs is necessarily a predator! I enjoy it because I am a teacher by nature as well as career, and in the case of this new sub, I am genuinely seeking a potential 24/7 and that is what she is seeking! so this isn't just taking a newbie under My wing for a while, this is looking at long term potential. But My wings are likely to remain available in the future for short term care of new subs. I just like to help them find their feet ... so they have a better chance of safely finding the right Dom for them without getting heartbroken or worse in the meantime!

Maam Jay aka violet[A] (for the new OP ... I am both Domme (Jay) and sub/slave (violet) simultaneously, collared to Master Adrian)

_____________________________

Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

(in reply to octavia)

RE: Very new - need help - 7/15/2007 11:55:19 PM

Posts: 38
Joined: 7/13/2007
Status: offline

I'm completely new myself as well. My potentially daddy didn't tell me to talk to other subs, but I decided to do it on my own. I don't want tips on sex acts, but I wanted to know how to know when a Dom is right for you, how long you should wait before meeting, what are warning signs to stay away. I also hope to hear about things to avoid, but as for in the bedroom training my daddy's excited to do that part.

_____________________________

"For three years I had roses and apologize to no one."

(in reply to littleone35)

RE: Very new - need help - 7/22/2007 4:15:59 PM

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Joined: 7/4/2007
Status: offline

I am new to the lifestyle myself. I have realized in the last couple months in trying to find a Dom to help me. that first i need to help my self. I have given myself a year just to talk and play to realized what i truly love and like. I think this time of exploring will benifit me when i am better able to realize my dreams with a dom that understands me cause i understand myself. cause if you wonder around pathetic and unknowing all you will get are the teeth of the wolves. So do what i am doing take time to your self to study and play. Then when you think you are fully aware of what you need go and look for your dream.

(in reply to littleone35)

RE: Very new - need help - 7/22/2007 9:24:12 PM

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ZoeAngelina

I'm trying to understand how to be a sub - what do I do, say, etc. Advice would be welcomed. I've tried to research this but come up with conflicting articles. A Dom is interested in me and wants me to get advice and talk to other subs. Please help - I'm very vanilla, inexperienced, and just don't know what questions even to ask.

Be yourself. Ask the questions you would ask any potential partner. If you really don't know where to start make a list of the things that are most important to you, whatever your big hobbies are or if you can't live without your pets and family. Ask what his views are on them and make sure that your values are in the same place.

Edited to add: ACK! Another rezzed thread that I thought was new... Damn it... I need to get my glasses checked or something. *grumbles and heads off to the eye doctor*

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 7/22/2007 9:25:27 PM >

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to ZoeAngelina)

RE: Very new - need help - 10/4/2007 10:03:25 AM

Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline

Being an experinced dom does not mean you have to know what a munch is. You do not have to know what a munch is to have 10 years of beating subs asses, or 10 years of doing bondage. Have you ever stopped to think some doms are not into public things, and keep their bdsm in the privacy of just them two, so have no interest in munches, or in going to events there for have no reason to know what a munch is?

I don't think "being quite new yourself" you have any room to call any one else a faker or a wanna be, or are qualified to judge who's experinced or not.

PErsonally I find munches boreing and a waste of my time to go to, and so I never go to munches, so does that mean that I'm not experinced in likeing spankings, or likeing blow jobs with my dominant if you asked do I go to munches or knew of them? No. it don't.

quote:

ORIGINAL: angelslave77

one thing I have discovered only being quite new myself is that a lot of so called "expierenced" Doms arent for real, and I have found one way to weed them out is to learn a lot of the commonly used bdsm terms and throw them into conversation. I sussed out one so called experienced Dom this way when he had no idea what a munch was and as conversation continued and I tried discussing other areas of bdsm I realised he really had no idea at all and was an online wannabe.

(in reply to angelslave77)

RE: Very new - need help - 10/4/2007 10:12:25 AM

sambamanslilgirl

Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline

how to be a sub? good question. not trying to be funny about your question yet there is no "true" (or the ever popular spelling "twue") or wrong way of being a sub. actually it's up to you and yours about you should act, what to say, do, etc.

_____________________________

...2011 - year of the fabulous rock star life ...and i do it so well...

...announcing Mr. & Mrs. British Petrol ...yeah, marrying into oil is slick business...

(in reply to ZoeAngelina)

RE: Very new - need help - 10/4/2007 1:39:10 PM

Posts: 152
Joined: 7/10/2007
Status: offline

ZoeAngelina,

Talking to others is good advice, and while you are doing that, also talk to yourself:
What does being submissive mean to you?

What feeling, thoughts or mental impressions do you get when you here the word?

What kind of relationship to you want (I don’t mean the type of ‘play’ ..flogging, etc) but the core relationship (committed, 'dating,' casual play, etc.)?

Welcome and good luck.
Saya

< Message edited by SayaNereida -- 10/4/2007 1:52:05 PM >

(in reply to ZoeAngelina)

RE: Very new - need help - 10/4/2007 4:26:34 PM

Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ZoeAngelina

I'm trying to understand how to be a sub - what do I do, say, etc. Advice would be welcomed. I've tried to research this but come up with conflicting articles. A Dom is interested in me and wants me to get advice and talk to other subs. Please help - I'm very vanilla, inexperienced, and just don't know what questions even to ask.

Welcome to the forums. There aren't any rules. Talking with others about their experiences is helful, but it all comes down to the relationship between the two people.
Good luck to you!
l

(in reply to ZoeAngelina)

RE: Very new - need help - 10/4/2007 6:12:10 PM

Posts: 14412
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

Talk to this dominant. Only they can tell you what they want.

I agree with this. He should be telling you what he wants and quite frankly is being lazy to send you elsewhere and let someone else do the work.

As many combinations as there are people, is how many different versions of this life you'll find. Find yourself and you'll figure out how you are to be a submissive.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to AquaticSub)

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