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a dom showing his girl that she is a treasure - 7/13/2007 11:25:37 AM

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I have been in a 24/7 for a year, I am his pleasure slave he is a senual Dom, I do all that he asks and he is very busy, I am deeply in love with Sir but I don't know if I please him, as he dosen't tell me, show me and unless he is at the virge of yelling at me I don't know what I have done. In the past he showed more of himself to me but I feel as I am in a 'nilla life with a disfunctial man, can anyone help me?
yankee

RE: a dom showing his girl that she is a treasure - 7/13/2007 11:30:58 AM

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My only take, from the little bit you posted, is that it sounds like you cling. Don't barrage him with "Are you mad at me? Am I doing an ok job? Are you pleased with me? Do you want me to leave?" sorts of questions. If he is displeased with you, he will most likely say so without you constantly questioning him.

If you don't like the dynamic (I'm not sure what that is - you call yourself a pleasure slave and yet say your life is 'vanilla') speak with him about it to see what you can do about it together, if there is anything to be done at all.

_____________________________

You only lose what you cling to. ~~Gautama Sidharta

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. ~~Mother Teresa

(in reply to yankeebabe)

RE: a dom showing his girl that she is a treasure - 7/13/2007 11:35:20 AM

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Have you told him that you need constant reassurance that you're doing a good job? Don't try being subtle thinking that he will figure it out. Men, usually, don't communicate like that. Be upfront about what you need. He then can react to that as he sees fit...and you can react to THAT as you need to in order to be healthy.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
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(in reply to yankeebabe)

RE: a dom showing his girl that she is a treasure - 7/13/2007 11:36:36 AM

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You should be telling him all of this instead of us on CM. He may be stressed out and may not realize that he is neglecting you. Communication is essential in a relationship. You need to communicate with him.

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Boycott Whales!

(in reply to yankeebabe)

RE: a dom showing his girl that she is a treasure - 7/13/2007 11:43:31 AM

Rover

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Count me in the camp suggesting that you discuss these issues with him, rather than us.

As a suggestion, you might consider asking for his help, rather than rattling off a littany of complaints that may not be received in the manner you intend. People respond more favorably if they're asked to help.

John

_____________________________

"Man's mind stretched to a new idea never goes back to its original dimensions."

Sri da Avabhas

(in reply to yankeebabe)

RE: a dom showing his girl that she is a treasure - 7/13/2007 11:49:32 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

Have you told him that you need constant reassurance that you're doing a good job? Don't try being subtle thinking that he will figure it out. Men, usually, don't communicate like that. Be upfront about what you need. He then can react to that as he sees fit...and you can react to THAT as you need to in order to be healthy.

Master Fire

Seconded.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

RE: a dom showing his girl that she is a treasure - 7/13/2007 12:05:22 PM

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I hate to be the bubble blower here but constant rassurance is not a sign of a healthy mental state anyways. Maybe you need to talk about "worthiness issues" and how to address them. You need to be able to operate independantly within given instrction and not break down evertime you don't hear "good girl." Because basically guys are like that...some women too...they'll let you know more often than not when things are wrong rather than right. If it's reassurance you need then go the extra mile. On a daily basis it's not what they recognize that you'll feel but the attention they choose to give you. And don't cling! That even pisses me off and I'm on the bottom end of things. communicate openly and freely and calmly not as if you're about to loose your relationship.

(in reply to AquaticSub)

RE: a dom showing his girl that she is a treasure - 7/13/2007 12:05:41 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

Have you told him that you need constant reassurance that you're doing a good job? Don't try being subtle thinking that he will figure it out. Men, usually, don't communicate like that. Be upfront about what you need. He then can react to that as he sees fit...and you can react to THAT as you need to in order to be healthy.

Master Fire

She's right. Men sometimes need to see things in red with yellow and green highlighter pens circling it.

BUT! I STRONGLY recommend you do it from "I need you to hear how I feel" rather than "You don't do XXXXXXX." Keeping the conversation firmly in the realm of "I need you in my life" rather than "you're doing a terrible job" will save you both a lot of frustration.

If I was you, I'd print this thread out and show it to him.

Good luck,

Stephan

_____________________________

Nosce Te Ipsum

"The blade itself incites to violence" - Homer

Men: Find a Woman here

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

RE: a dom showing his girl that she is a treasure - 7/13/2007 12:12:45 PM

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Sometimes a little thing like life can get in the way of everyone. I have been in this situation with my slave also.
Work stressed me out and was really my focus for many months. At times like that having one more thing, like if I am telling my slave that I appreciate her, is the least of my worries.
Is this right? probably not.
how she handled it was to do everything she could to make sure when I was home that I had no worries at all and many times I had to tell her that I wasnt an invalid and I could put my own socks on.
Now doing this time I did notice, although not as often as I should have I am sure, when she was more quiet then usual and I would ask her what was wrong. she would tell me pretty much what you are saying only she was blaming herself for my foul mood. I would then tell her it wasnt her and what was going on.
We all like to think that Doms/Masters are supermen but we are human. LOL
To us we are the supporters and will keep problems pent up so as to not bother our subs/slaves.
There are many outlets for subs to vent and get help with their feelings but very few, if any, ways for Doms to vent and get help. To some if a Dom complains it is a sign of weakness and on a personal level I feel that way about myself.
Long ago there was always a close knit group of people that was there for support but that practice seems to have gone by the way side and there are only large groups where mostly no one really knows each other and cant confide or trust one another to that level.
So in closing, if he isnt telling you how well you have been doing, and you know he is stressed out about things outside the relationship just try to support the best you can and when you do need to let him know that you are feeling bad take a soft approach with him and dont add to his stress.
William

(in reply to yankeebabe)

RE: a dom showing his girl that she is a treasure - 7/13/2007 12:19:50 PM

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Needing constant reassurances can be tiresome and irritating, but what's so wrong with someone saying "thank you" or "dinner was delicious" or whatever? That's just polite in my book, and even though it's likely a sub/slaves "job" to do these things, how hard is it to just acknowledge them with a quick word of thanks or praise?

(in reply to yankeebabe)

RE: a dom showing his girl that she is a treasure - 7/13/2007 12:54:04 PM

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I'll go against the grain.

It would appear that your relationship is sliding. Is it worth saving? Possibly, but it is likely that both of you have to make some alterations to put it back to where you used to be (wherever that is). If one of you does what it takes to right your half of the ship, but the other doesn't, that's expended energy for little gain.

If it were me, I would take some of the above comments and assess myself. Take each of the remarks (including mine, I suppose) for what it's worth while you are looking for a new partner. Perhaps work on self-improvement 'prior' to your search, such that a new partner would find you suitable and give you the attention you want/need. This, in turn, gives you a partner that is more compatible with what you ultimately want.

I'm saying these things under the assumption that your current relationship is NOT live-in, and is occasional in nature. In your search for a different relationship, understand for yourself what your goals are, and integrate those into your search. Learn from this one so the next one is easier or better.

Jeff

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to yankeebabe)

RE: a dom showing his girl that she is a treasure - 7/13/2007 1:51:23 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: yankeebabe

I have been in a 24/7 for a year, I am his pleasure slave he is a senual Dom, I do all that he asks and he is very busy, I am deeply in love with Sir but I don't know if I please him, as he dosen't tell me, show me and unless he is at the virge of yelling at me I don't know what I have done. In the past he showed more of himself to me but I feel as I am in a 'nilla life with a disfunctial man, can anyone help me?
yankee

Greetings yankeebabe and welcome to the boards.

My suggestion is to just ask him for feedback (both the good stuff and the not so good stuff). Let him know that you'll feel more confident if you know where you stand and you'll be able to serve him better if you don't have to 'guess' or be a mindreader regarding your service to him. You are deeply in love with him so I wouldn't go throwing away anything just yet. Give him a chance to provide what you need but, do tell him what you need because just as you can't read his mind on what he thinks of your service, he can't read your mind and know that you are in need of feedback right now. Hopefully, eventually that need will taper off.

For myself, I know my service is satisfactory regardless of whether or not I get feedback because Himself does keep me around. That said, it's nice to hear it on occasion that I've done something of which he approves or which he really does appreciate and if I screw up, I like to know that as well so I can continually improve myself and my service.

On the issue of you 'feeling' like you're in a 'nilla relationship with a dysfunctional man .. are you feeling that because you're not getting the feedback you are in need of right now or do you really believe he's truly dysfunctional? If it's the former, acknowledge and be responsible for your reactions to the situation and hopefully, open communication can help alleviate your issues. If it's the latter, you have to make a choice on whether or not what you perceive as his flaws are something with which you want to deal and no one can make that choice for you.

I wish you the very best of luck.

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

(in reply to yankeebabe)

RE: a dom showing his girl that she is a treasure - 7/13/2007 2:15:48 PM

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The title you named this thread is what spoke volumes to me. You have an expectation that, in return for all the pleasing and service you do, you want to be rewarded by being "shown you are a treasure".

You need to communicate that to him and see what his expectations are......if he thinks of you as a treasure, and on how he WANTS to reward you.

_____________________________

You know it's going to be a GOOD blow job when she puts a Breathe Right strip on first.

Pick-up artists and garbage men should trade names.

(in reply to BitaTruble)

RE: a dom showing his girl that she is a treasure - 7/13/2007 2:28:45 PM

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This post made me question something that in my little experience I have found to hold true.
(here’s where I put on my flame retardant suit) ~ grin
With my little experience it makes me wonder about that term Sensual ….
I am NOT looking for the definition of what anyone else calls a Sensual Dominant but I wonder if some/many including this Dom who identity as such just do not care to Dominate else where.
I think many times Submissive’s that like the bottom don’t stop being submissive in many ways in other areas also. Then when teamed up with what I call a Top the confusion sets in when other areas come up empty. Seems to me it’s a communication issue…………..

Sigh .. What a ramble!

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The problem with communication ... is the illusion that it has been accomplished. ~George Bernard Shaw

(in reply to yankeebabe)

RE: a dom showing his girl that she is a treasure - 7/13/2007 2:39:43 PM

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BEfore I judge where your relationship is, how your Dom is handling it... or whatever else, I would need to know how long a time frame you have been having issues. Have you felt as if you arent being given the proper attention for the last week, month, year? And how long has the relationship been going on overall? (You have been 24/7 for a year, but did you have history before that?)
In the grand scheme of things, if it has been a sort term change, then you might just have to weather it and wait it out. The things life throws at you can interfere, and sometimes someoen is just too stressed in their own things to pat you on the head constantly. If it has always been this way, then after a year you are highly unlikely to get much of a change from him if you are first bringing up the issue now.
Before you charge into a deep discussion about whats going wrong in the relationship, and how you need him to open up and communicate better and all that... figure out why it is he hasnt been communicating. If its something that will change, or a stress that wil go away, then dont rock the boat too much and add to that stress. Wait it out, and then afterwards maybe he will make up for lost time. If it is a changed situation, then discuss with him what has changed and how you need to deal with it. If its always been this way, then you might have to decide if you can live with it or not, becasue after a year of learning how he communicates and being alright with it, chances are nothigns going to change.
Also, has anything within you changed, that maybe have made you more sensative to what you are or arent hearing? Has something rattled your confidence?
It might not completely be his fault, it might just be misunderstanding...
Make sure you see the whole picture before trying to fix it. Putting grease on a squeaky wheel works, but it wont make the wagon run quietly unless all the wheels are greased. (My grandmother used to say that and it makes sense if you think about it)
This is not somethingto be addressed piecemeal. You hav to make sure you know all the pieces heading in, or nothing you try and fix will help much.

DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to Quivver)

RE: a dom showing his girl that she is a treasure - 7/13/2007 2:44:57 PM

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Uhm, don't the terms 'pleasure slave', and 'Sensual Dom' just SCREAM 'kinky bedroom sex only'? The pleasure slave bit I suppose you could be 24/7 just by being available for use 24/7, but Sensual Dom as a sole title and not part of anything greater seems like he built the limits right into the title, so maybe it's not such a surprise that you feel like you're in a vanilla relationship? Kind of sounds like he liked the idea of a chick who would never say 'not tonight dear, I have a headache', and picked up a title to suit. Then again, I don't know either of you from a hole in the wall in another country, so could be totally wrong.

(in reply to yankeebabe)

RE: a dom showing his girl that she is a treasure - 7/13/2007 3:14:16 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

Have you told him that you need constant reassurance that you're doing a good job? Don't try being subtle thinking that he will figure it out. Men, usually, don't communicate like that. Be upfront about what you need. He then can react to that as he sees fit...and you can react to THAT as you need to in order to be healthy.

Master Fire

Seconded.

Third(ed)

I insist that My sub bring her thoughts to Me. Good, bad, or otherwise, I want to know whats going on in her head. Master Fire is correct. Don't be subtle. Communication is important in any relationship. In a lifestyle BDSM relationship...it's vital.

_____________________________

Resident "11"

"I love you, Sir. You make my heart sing and my panties wet. What more could a girl ask for?" - hejira92

"And that's why it's good to be...Me." - Gene $immons

(in reply to AquaticSub)

RE: a dom showing his girl that she is a treasure - 7/13/2007 8:33:06 PM

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Communication is everything, However in this case you do need to back off a tad, getting/needing reassurance is great but begging for it all the time can cause other issues. If you have good communication other then that and he is happy then accept that as fact.
I am a lot like he is or it appears so, We types just do not communicate our appreciation that much at times. Itrs not that we do not appreciate we just do not mention it on a daily basis.
Look for the small subtle hints that you are cherished, If you are their there just not in red neon sign.

_____________________________

Phil Moulton
A Sensual Touch
Locopony Racing
Portland Oregon

(in reply to yankeebabe)

RE: a dom showing his girl that she is a treasure - 7/15/2007 9:56:37 AM

imthatacheyouhav

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Positive reinforcement is an invaluable tool in any relationship...if he is not providing that TELL him in PLAIN English that you need that...

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**collared July 22 2007 by LordKen**

(in reply to Kinkypupper)

RE: a dom showing his girl that she is a treasure - 7/15/2007 11:32:07 AM

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I consistantly say " please" and "thank you" to my submissive..that doesnt make me weak only polite ..and in the very beginning I let them know that if I am displeased they wont have to ask but will KNOW...

I consider a good submissive a treasured possession and make sure they know it.

Just my way .. but it works for me and those that have been mine

_____________________________

Protectress of hearts/souls of all submissives calling Bounty's Place home, by order of Bounty~Proprietor

To be respected you must be respectful, to be loved you must be willing to love,
to be trusted you must be willing to trust.

(in reply to imthatacheyouhav)

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