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a long and embarrassing question - 7/16/2007 2:17:51 PM

Posts: 4
Joined: 6/27/2007
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Hello Sirs, Mistresses, and friends,

i have a small predicament, and am not quite sure where to turn for advice; so i find myself here.

i am not owned, but have met a Dom that i have been playing with recently. i have hopes that perhaps this relationship may develop into something more substantial; if i can get past one problem....

in a previous D/s relationship, i was face forced to the point where i passed out. It was not an overly traumatic experience; however, i now tense up every time my 'play' Dom grabs the back of my hair when His penis is in my mouth.

i want to please Him. i am not afraid of Him. i've explained to Him why i am tensing up, and i am trying desperately to relax and submit to His will regarding this matter.

He has stated that, even though this is my only "apparent hold back", i do not truly want to submit to Him because i cannot relax during this phase.

i desperately would like to get past this. i don't want to disappoint Him, and this is something He says i must get through on my own.

How?? Please, Someone, please, how can i get into the right mind frame to forget the past event and enjoy the future?? i'm not even thinking about the past event while i'm working my mouth down, until i feel the grip in my hair. please help me. a Hand in my hair was once one of my greatest pleasures, and i am terrified of losing that sensation. i want so badly for Him to be proud of me, to enjoy me. Please, any advice will greatly appreciated and taken to heart.

thank You,
candy

< Message edited by colocandy -- 7/16/2007 2:24:37 PM >

RE: a long and embarrassing question - 7/16/2007 2:22:26 PM

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Joined: 5/14/2007
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i question his motives is he can not realize this is a real feeling for you-not just a lack of submission........the one M i had helped me work through things, he never belittled me for them or questioned my submission....

good luck to you.......if he is one worth being with, i think he will realize it is his problem also-and come up with ways to help you through it.....id forward him this thread you started....

_____________________________

it aint no good til it hurts just a little bit....jimmy somerville

in those moments of solitude, does everyone sometimes think they are insane? or is it just me?

(in reply to colocandy)

RE: a long and embarrassing question - 7/16/2007 2:23:56 PM

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couple of good stiff bumps of Jameson, cloroseptic way down in the throat, put on some loud music, have all your other senses overwhelmed so that you notice that less, and YOU GOTTA WANNA----daydream about him doing it, see him doing it, smell him doing it, hear him doing it, see yourself wanting it, feel yourself springing a leak, all that shit........................

YOU GOTTA WANNA. Once you ride the horse again.........

Like Marilyn Chambers says, 'It's just another act.'

JohnnythewadHolmes

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Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to colocandy)

RE: a long and embarrassing question - 7/16/2007 2:50:05 PM

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Joined: 7/11/2007
From: Austin Texas
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I know you said the experience where you passed out wasn't traumatic but something is holding you back. When I'm in a similiar situation I mentally tell myself it is at my own pace and that I'm safe with him.
Setting the scenario in my imagination can give me the illusion of momentary control and then I'm usually past the block.
As always Ron had good ideas.

_____________________________

~Love your life! (It is the only one you'll get).

(in reply to colocandy)

RE: a long and embarrassing question - 7/16/2007 2:58:11 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: colocandy

He has stated that, even though this is my only "apparent hold back", i do not truly want to submit to Him because i cannot relax during this phase.

You know, if you just cut it off, it wouldn't be a problem any more, would it? It sounds from your post that your feelings for him are a little deeper. <sigh>

What you are saying that he is saying has to be one of the most insensitive, insulting things that someone who is supposed to 'care' for you will ever utter. It's worth considering the butcher knife, but that's just my opinion. Take it for what it's worth.

People have issues. People have issues that they would like to work around. People sometimes are able to make it past their issues. Will you? I don't know. I would like for you to. You would like for that to happen, as well. But there isn't a timetable for that, is there? You're being psyched into thinking that it has to go away right now. You're being pressured in a very bad way.

Good luck.

Jeff

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to colocandy)

RE: a long and embarrassing question - 7/16/2007 2:59:20 PM

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I've set the waste basket by her head....I don't want to be covered in soup du jour...It takes time but like the man said..."You gotta want it."

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(in reply to camille65)

RE: a long and embarrassing question - 7/16/2007 3:14:11 PM

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Maybe it's that little voice inside your head saying he doesn't give a shit about me.
So why should I care enough about him to get over it.
And maybe he ought to earn your submission by helping you to get over it if he's man enough and if you want to.

(in reply to domiguy)

RE: a long and embarrassing question - 7/16/2007 3:16:04 PM

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Joined: 7/10/2007
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You say:
in a previous D/s relationship, i was face forced to the point where i passed out. It was not an overly traumatic experience; however, i now tense up every time my 'play' Dom grabs the back of my hair when His penis is in my mouth. "

First things first, if you are tensing now it, was a traumatic experience to you.

If you are unable to honestly look at and deal with the issue, how can you possibly fix the results?

"Each time you are honest and conduct yourself with honesty, a success force will drive you toward greater success. Each time you lie, even with a little white lie, there are strong forces pushing you toward failure." Joseph Sugarman

(in reply to mnottertail)

RE: a long and embarrassing question - 7/16/2007 3:36:31 PM

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I think you may need to look at several things. The first being your air supply was cut off to the point you blacked out. Hmmm, under what circumstances WOULD this be traumatic? If he simply blocked your air passages with his hand? with a plastic bag? Telling yourself that it was not traumatic, well, it may take more than that. Perhaps if you accept what you feel, you will be better able to discuss it with him. Telling him it was not a traumatic experience is sending him a different message than I think you intend. Your BODY seems to think it was a traumatic experience...just my opinon.

Good luck!

< Message edited by Cloudz -- 7/16/2007 3:37:09 PM >

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Enjoy the Journey,
~Cloudz

"Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain."

(in reply to colocandy)

RE: a long and embarrassing question - 7/16/2007 4:00:24 PM

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quote:

He has stated that, even though this is my only "apparent hold back", i do not truly want to submit to Him because i cannot relax during this phase.

Beg him to read less CastleRealm and LadyHugs and you two might have a chance. It isn't a voluntary response on your part. This is some combination of inexperience and insecurity on his part leaping out to warn you.

(in reply to Cloudz)

RE: a long and embarrassing question - 7/16/2007 4:08:34 PM

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for one, your Dominant needs to be told that it was a traumatic event, irregardless of how severe it was it will still take time to move past it. Personally, I feel that the 1st step would be to get comfortable having his cock in your throat without his hands on your head preventing you from pulling back. Just slowly work towards what you both want, patience is as essential to a Dominant as trust and integrity.

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

RE: a long and embarrassing question - 7/16/2007 4:09:19 PM

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Perhaps someone should face-force him and then he would understand -- what a self-serving, egotistical ass. I would move on if I were you. This loser is not concerned about your welfare. "Traumatizing" prospective slaves is not the way to ensure they are committed to an Owner. There is a difference between use and abuse.

(in reply to colocandy)

RE: a long and embarrassing question - 7/16/2007 4:20:52 PM

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Joined: 3/28/2006
From: Calgary, Canada
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All I can say is 'here, here!'

He MUST appreciate that if you could, you would.

I have a boy who once watched a sounds demonstration, and the so-called Domme performing it must have done something seriously wrong, as his only recollection is that the sub on the table was screaming his head off. Not a good memory. I happen to love doing sounds play, and so I would gently bring up the topic from time to time, helping him understand what really happens in urethral sound play, what it SHOULD feel like, etc. One day last week I asked him if he felt up to trying it, and promised him that as long as he followed my direction, he would not be hurt in any way. His trust had built up enough that he agreed, hopped up on the table, and found himself pleasantly surprised. Was I proud of him? You bet! Would I have told him that he wasn't submissive enough if he wasn't ready yet? Hells no.

_____________________________

"Men are like wine. They start out as grapes and its up to the woman to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with." -Unknown

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(in reply to MistressGayle)

RE: a long and embarrassing question - 7/16/2007 4:26:35 PM

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A good dominant takes their submissive as a complete package. Everyone has emotional baggage and you can't take the good without the bad. If your new play-dom wants you, he has to accept your past and fears. I am claustrophobic... If I was submissive, and a domme wanted me, she would have to accept that she can't just put me in a coffin. I would need to be trained to trust her, and trained to relax.

Your new play-dom may or may not be a master of training post-traumatic stress subjects. If he isn't, which is likely the case, he needs to learn about it if he intends to keep his hand in your hair. Your new dom is not wrong for wanting this, your old dom may have been wrong in making you pass out, I don't know how hard you like your play...

If I were your master, I would start by simply cuddling. Rubbing your back, my hand getting closer and closer to your neck and hair. As you seemed to trust me, I'd massage your scalp... All during cuddling. Then I'd start guiding your mouth around my body with my hand in your hair (clothed or not, whichever is easiest to start.) The goal would be to teach you that my hand is there to guide and support and protect. Then the training gets harder, and naturally slows down... being near his member and having his hand in your hair while you kiss/lick/spit... Whatever you guys like. The slowest part of the training I would use is having you give him head at your pace, his hand only touching your head, not pushing or pulling at all... This could take hours... days... weeks... months... years... depending on how "not overly traumatic" passing out was. Your desire to please, your trust in Master, and your mutual understanding of your fear will slowly begin to work for you. Take your time, you can't rush this.... If he is not patient, and doesn't handle your fragile baggage with care, then he may not be the man you want to spend your time with.

_____________________________

The Loving Owner of HisHeavan

... You've waited your whole life for this moment...

(in reply to MistressGayle)

RE: a long and embarrassing question - 7/16/2007 4:46:52 PM

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Joined: 11/16/2006
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Wow some really good advice from all angles on here, and warnings.
Respect yourself!
I might add perhaps, that having him use his hands on your head when he is not inside your mouth, while you lick and kiss and such could be a way to begin. Letting him (yes LETTING him- mb in the form of asking nicely though, remember it is your choice, however manners always go over well!) guide you over just a little way to start, he ought to have enough sensitivity in cock, hands and heart to feel when you tense and back up a bit. Use gentleness and patience as a lube till it gets easy and hot again.
Its really cool you are perfect to him except for this one small thing (woohoo go girl!), however how perfect is he for you??! Its all very well and good that people like you, think you're hot, perfect etc, that does not mean they are the right fit nor a good fit for your needs wants and desires.

Ms Alizbeth
IMO it just makes good sense to have self respect and pride, makes for a better, stronger relationship.

(in reply to LadySeraphina)

RE: a long and embarrassing question - 7/16/2007 4:49:55 PM

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HeavansKeeper

Excellent response and counsel. No person comes wthout some emotional baggage, it is how you handle it that matters....

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A true Master exhibits honor, integrity, honesty, self discipline, personal responsibility and caring for his property.

If I had to explain it...you wouldn't understand

(in reply to HeavansKeeper)

RE: a long and embarrassing question - 7/16/2007 5:04:14 PM

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Joined: 6/7/2007
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Good advice here, and I can't add anything, but I do have a suggestion that may make him understand your plight a little more.

Find out what scares the living shit out of him.

Then politely ask him if he trusts you enough to switch roles to see what it's like to play bottom, just for an hour or so. Maybe lie and tell him you've always wanted to be on top, just to see what it feels like. You know, top from the bottom a little bit.

Then when he turns over control to you, restrain his sorry ass and do whatever it is that scares the crap out of him. When he starts to scream, tell him that if he trusted you he would be more of a man and deal with it.

Just a suggestion. And maybe the point is buried in it, too.

ProfJoe

(in reply to daredevil865)

RE: a long and embarrassing question - 7/16/2007 5:04:47 PM

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I am less concerned about your mental block and more concerned about your feelings regarding this Dom.

Seems like he's trying to make you feel even worse by using guilt:

He has stated that, even though this is my only "apparent hold back", i do not truly want to submit to Him because i cannot relax during this phase.

huh? That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. Usually if a Domme/Dom was sincerely interested in someone, they would handle this kind of like a limit that the slave/sub wanted to over come.

He says i must get through on my own.

again....huh? I'm not sure of your relationship, but seems to me it's a relationship of some kind of you are already wishing it to be more...whether it is or isn't...seems like he would look at this as a problem for both of you and not just laying on your doorstep.

My concern is you obviously like this guy, but it doesn't seem he has the same kind of feelings for you. And as another poster stated.....maybe this is your mind trying to tell you that he's not the one.

I don't know you, but my opinion, if you felt that he really cared about you, there would be a connection, a certain level of trust and I don't think you would have any problems relaxing because you would be so totally into each other you wouldn't even remember to stress over it.

I wish you well in whatever decision that you make....and try not to take blame for this....it was not and is not, your fault

_____________________________

...Look into my eyes and I'll own you....

(in reply to colocandy)

RE: a long and embarrassing question - 7/16/2007 5:05:07 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: colocandy

He has stated that, even though this is my only "apparent hold back", i do not truly want to submit to Him because i cannot relax during this phase.

i desperately would like to get past this. i don't want to disappoint Him, and this is something He says i must get through on my own.

['quote]

oh for christs sake, the guy's a fucking putz, not a dominant! sounds almost identical to the 'you're not a real submissive' bullshit that idiots throw around all the time'...

nothing like using the 'guilt' card to try and manipulate you to get what he wants.

(in reply to colocandy)

RE: a long and embarrassing question - 7/16/2007 5:31:55 PM

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I think that if you are involuntarily tensing up, it is very possible that your previous experience was traumatic in some way. The human body can be kinda funny about what it responds to and why. Just because you don't think it was traumatic, doesn't mean that your body agrees with you. You may also want to consider that regardless of your prior experience, your body may be convinced that cutting off the air supply is generally a bad thing to do and perhaps it gets a little anxious in situations where suffocation is a possibility, causing you to tense up. Of course, if you work at it enough you can overcome your body's natural reaction to a wide number of stimuli. But it takes time and the right kind of effort.

Regardless of the source of your tensing up, your Dom should recognize that what is happening is not simply a matter of your choice or submission. You cannot "submit" away psychological trauma or your body's reflexive responses to stimuli. You can however work your best to overcome the reaction, but it won't happen immediately. I'm willing to bet that your Dom could assist you. At the very least, he can recognize that everyone can't simply submit to everything. Just my $0.02.

(in reply to daredevil865)

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