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Day to Day Inner Struggles - 8/1/2007 6:59:02 PM

ACryFromTheSoul

Posts: 53
Joined: 10/21/2006
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There is a missing component in my life that I can't add.

I find without a dominant I tend to bounce off walls emotionally and mentally... I can't ground myself, contain or stabilize everything all at once. (Mind you, it does not mean I am not successful or that I can't handle what life throws at me... since I can and do) But I was wondering does anyone else feels a bit lost without having a dominant in their lives? Do you ever feel slightly out of sorts because you can't fully provide your own day to day structure? Do you ever get frustrated?

thanks.

< Message edited by ACryFromTheSoul -- 8/1/2007 7:10:39 PM >

RE: Day to Day Inner Struggles - 8/1/2007 7:04:26 PM

Posts: 1086
Joined: 2/19/2007
Status: offline

The only struggle I had without a Dominant was not recognizing the empty place I kept trying to fill with alcohol, drugs, and promiscuity was submission. Once it was brought to my attention, I was ok.

I would like to be in a D/s dynamic but since I'm not at the moment I have plenty to keep me occupied. I do not dwell on "finding the perfect man" because that's the wrong focus since no one wants to be someone else's everything.

_____________________________

You only lose what you cling to. ~~Gautama Sidharta

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. ~~Mother Teresa

(in reply to ACryFromTheSoul)

RE: Day to Day Inner Struggles - 8/1/2007 7:08:48 PM

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Joined: 10/25/2005
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Most people have periods of bouncing off walls when they don't feel stable, or like they are "where they should be."

Nothing really to do with Ds. And you move on and create the stability you need...or become an adult who can't handle adult life.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to slaveish)

RE: Day to Day Inner Struggles - 8/1/2007 7:18:25 PM

Saint

Posts: 279
Status: offline

A bit lost, yes. Everyday in fact, but once you stop dwelling on it and just accept that what is is then its not so bad. Some of us just learn to accept that we are fated to be alone and to dwell upon what you want or need is only negative to your own wellbeing. So just bear down, accept that this is the way things are, stop dwelling on it so much and you will find that the days will soon become weeks, the weeks become months and the months become years and before you know it, it wont bother you anymore.

_____________________________

"Anonymity is synonymous with longevity."
Faethor Ferenczy

"I wish I had an angel
For one moment of love
I wish I had your angel tonight"
Nightwish - Wish I had an Angel Tonight

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

RE: Day to Day Inner Struggles - 8/4/2007 12:01:16 PM

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Joined: 2/5/2006
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Yes.

I am a slave who needs a Master. I was lost without one. I could function. I could perform well at work and make a living and get through my days just fine. But I always felt unsettled and anxious. My spirit felt lost. So I know what you are speaking of. When it is within your nature to submit yet you do not have a place in which to be yourself - to be true to yourself - then it is perfectly natural to feel unsteady on your feet.

I must serve, and must submit fully. If I can't, then I am as unfulled as a pianist who can not play, as a ball player injured who is benched, as a speaker who has lost his voice. In such situations you are forced to find other areas of your life in which to gain fulfillment - hobbies and such - and for me, while I could still be a healthy, funcitoning, and even relatively happy person, I would always feel the void of that missing component you are speaking of.

(in reply to ACryFromTheSoul)

RE: Day to Day Inner Struggles - 8/4/2007 12:03:48 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie

Yes.

I am a slave who needs a Master. I was lost without one. I could function. I could perform well at work and make a living and get through my days just fine. But I always felt unsettled and anxious. My spirit felt lost. So I know what you are speaking of. When it is within your nature to submit yet you do not have a place in which to be yourself - to be true to yourself - then it is perfectly natural to feel unsteady on your feet.

I must serve, and must submit fully. If I can't, then I am as unfulled as a pianist who can not play, as a ball player injured who is benched, as a speaker who has lost his voice. In such situations you are forced to find other areas of your life in which to gain fulfillment - hobbies and such - and for me, while I could still be a healthy, funcitoning, and even relatively happy person, I would always feel the void of that missing component you are speaking of.

Ditto.

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

RE: Day to Day Inner Struggles - 8/4/2007 1:40:05 PM

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Joined: 10/27/2005
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quote:

But I always felt unsettled and anxious

I'll second that.

_____________________________

"In fact, it is my contention that most women are accepting of way less than optimal circumstance constantly, and are lucky to be 'snagged' by the right man, if ever. But it is more by happy accident than by their design. "
~Ron and Hup

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

RE: Day to Day Inner Struggles - 9/3/2007 11:13:51 AM

revea

Posts: 1
Joined: 9/2/2007
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How to stop thinking of it?
It hurts really badly...

(in reply to BeingChewsie)

RE: Day to Day Inner Struggles - 9/3/2007 11:42:02 AM

Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ACryFromTheSoul

There is a missing component in my life that I can't add.

I find without a dominant I tend to bounce off walls emotionally and mentally... I can't ground myself, contain or stabilize everything all at once. (Mind you, it does not mean I am not successful or that I can't handle what life throws at me... since I can and do) But I was wondering does anyone else feels a bit lost without having a dominant in their lives? Do you ever feel slightly out of sorts because you can't fully provide your own day to day structure? Do you ever get frustrated?

thanks.

One of the hardest things to do is to learning to cope without something you feel you 'need' to thrive and, unfortunatly, there's really nothing that fills that chink except getting what you need.

Oh sure, you can take on some hobbies, perform service as a volunteer, hell, even put yourself into bondage or create pain for yourself, but it's not the same. At best, it's a temporary reprieve where you do something to fool your subconscience into believing it's getting fullfillment but eventually that breaks down and you're in the same place you always were. I wish I had a magic answer for you, but there isn't one. Some days you'll just have to accept that the best you can do is survive and then hope for the day where you're able to thrive because you're getting what you need.

What I would suggest is to keep the faith, keep working on 'you' and behave and act as you believe your future partner would wish for you to behave and act. Be yourself and do the things you would do as if they were already in your life and that person who will become your dominant will be able to recognize you instantly when they see you.

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

(in reply to ACryFromTheSoul)

RE: Day to Day Inner Struggles - 9/3/2007 12:33:35 PM

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Subs, please, think outside the box here.
Although it is not what you first might think of when you say you are "missing" something without the service in submission if you think of others instead of yourself, learn the meaning of selfless submission and find a place to volunteer your time (be it at a church, homeless shelter a nursing home or something equally creative) you’ll find the service need filled beyond your wildest imagination and you will have gained more of what you are now “missing” from service. That and it will actually mean something other than just the superficial the pleasure of a Dom.

(in reply to ACryFromTheSoul)

RE: Day to Day Inner Struggles - 9/3/2007 12:37:15 PM

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That's kinda what I was thinking too. It may not be the same, but you'll be providing a service to those who really need one.

(in reply to BitbyThorn)

RE: Day to Day Inner Struggles - 9/3/2007 12:41:31 PM

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From: new york state
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Yes, yes, and more yes. And then some yeses added on top. I call it the problem of 'empty time' as the problem of 'structure', for me, has a temporal dimension. Time stretches out endlessly for me, and if I think too much about it, I get really distressed. I worry a lot about how to 'fill time,' in an existential sense, not literal. Sometimes, I feel like I live in a vaccuum of infinite time that will never be filled. I've often relied on others to help me structure my day, though, I've figured out a few things I can do so I'm not quite so dependant. This keeps me functional in the absense of a D-type though I'm much happier with one and a lot less anxious. This, contra LA, doesn't make me any less able to deal with the contingencies of life. It just points to the fact that D/s fulfills certain, somewhat obscure, psychological needs. (Actually, I love the contingencies of life: unplanned, unanticipated events make time fly by.)

When I'm on my own, I stay busy and plan, plan, plan. I plan to do twice as much as I'll ever accomplish on the assumption that its always better to have something left uncrossed out on my to do list. That way I have something for tomorrow. I keep pick up projects around, things I can work on as I have time but can drop whenever. They're great time-fillers. I keep regular sleep hours because it makes the day go faster if I know when I'm going to bed. I also tend to go to bed early, because it makes the day seem shorter. Though, I'm careful not to oversleep because I don't want to risk not being able to sleep the next night. And, I take two hours to wake up every morning, making sure I get up before others.

I've often recruited others to help me in my struggle with time. I'm sure this is part of the attraction of D/s as being able to focus on a dominant presense helps me forget time. Having tasks helps me structure my day, even when I'm not physically with the dominant. It also means I'm not the only one adding things to my to-do list. I'm pretty good at following orders, not just because I'm especially eager to please (though that's certainly a factor) but also because I have this vague fear that if I don't follow the order, the other will stop giving them leaving me to come up with things to do myself. If things are good, as they are now, I can actually let go a bit feeling secure in the knowledge that even if I'm not the one actively structuring things, they will get structured.

Its a bit hard to explain, but I thought I'd share.

_____________________________

“To be happy is to be able to become aware of oneself without fright.” ~Walter Benjamin

(in reply to ACryFromTheSoul)

RE: Day to Day Inner Struggles - 9/3/2007 1:39:31 PM

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From: Texas
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BitbyThorn

Subs, please, think outside the box here.
Although it is not what you first might think of when you say you are "missing" something without the service in submission if you think of others instead of yourself, learn the meaning of selfless submission and find a place to volunteer your time (be it at a church, homeless shelter a nursing home or something equally creative) you’ll find the service need filled beyond your wildest imagination and you will have gained more of what you are now “missing” from service. That and it will actually mean something other than just the superficial the pleasure of a Dom.

That is service, true, but it's service without power and that's not at all the same thing. Some hungers cannot be fed without it and noble as it is, trotting down to the local food bank and dishing up soup isn't going to cut it in the long term.

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

(in reply to BitbyThorn)

RE: Day to Day Inner Struggles - 9/3/2007 2:27:54 PM

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Joined: 9/3/2007
Status: offline

In the long run people have to learn be responsible and meet their own needs.
Cause lets face it relationships are temporal so putting all ones' needs on another person is not much more than a way for a person not to take responsibility for themselves..

Of course cock worship is so much easier and pleasurable and takes much less effort than using submission and service in an arena that will actually benefit those in real need.

Frankly I am sort of sick of subs using the 'I'm not owned' excuse to remain mizzerable when there are viable options available to them to fill their needs. That and the denial they allow themselves to live in. For f**cks sake there is more to life than serving a dominant.

< Message edited by BitbyThorn -- 9/3/2007 2:30:33 PM >

(in reply to BitaTruble)

RE: Day to Day Inner Struggles - 9/3/2007 2:47:40 PM

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From: Texas
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quote:

ORIGINAL: BitbyThorn

Frankly I am sort of sick of subs using the 'I'm not owned' excuse to remain mizzerable when there are viable options available to them to fill their needs. That and the denial they allow themselves to live in. For f**cks sake there is more to life than serving a dominant.

Those options might be viable for you, but they're not going to be viable for everyone otherwise, we'd all be vanilla. If you're sick of submissives who don't feel the same way as you, then don't engage with them. They're not hurting you and no one is forcing you to read their words, listen to their phone calls or allow them to cry on your shoulder. ::shrugs::

For 'you' there might be more to life than serving a dominant. For some, it's all they desire. Some need a bit more, some need a bit less. It's still a 'need' and it's filled in the ways in which someone believes it's best for them to fill it.

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

(in reply to BitbyThorn)

RE: Day to Day Inner Struggles - 9/3/2007 2:50:56 PM

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ACryFromTheSoul

There is a missing component in my life that I can't add.

I find without a dominant I tend to bounce off walls emotionally and mentally... I can't ground myself, contain or stabilize everything all at once. (Mind you, it does not mean I am not successful or that I can't handle what life throws at me... since I can and do) But I was wondering does anyone else feels a bit lost without having a dominant in their lives?

I feel lonely without an owner or a partner, but not really lost.

quote:

Do you ever feel slightly out of sorts because you can't fully provide your own day to day structure?

Out of sorts yes, but I am fully capable of providing my day to day structure. I'm not the best, but I manage.

quote:

Do you ever get frustrated?

Yes, I did.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to ACryFromTheSoul)

RE: Day to Day Inner Struggles - 9/3/2007 3:06:17 PM

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Joined: 9/3/2007
Status: offline

A need, literally?
OK I wasn't attacking you really; I just like to present actual o-p-t-i-o-n-s and possible s-o-l-u-t-i-o-n-s. And duh one size doesn't fit all (thats why I said "or something equally creative")

So, your position is that you think it's better to remain stuck in sadness, frustration, mizzery rather than attempt to fill a missing "need" ?

I'll not back down from my position here because in my eyes empowered and enlightened subs well the're hot! :)

< Message edited by BitbyThorn -- 9/3/2007 3:37:10 PM >

(in reply to BitaTruble)

RE: Day to Day Inner Struggles - 9/3/2007 4:31:03 PM

Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BitbyThorn

A need, literally?
OK I wasn't attacking you really; I just like to present actual o-p-t-i-o-n-s and possible s-o-l-u-t-i-o-n-s. And duh one size doesn't fit all (thats why I said "or something equally creative")

So, your position is that you think it's better to remain stuck in sadness, frustration, mizzery rather than attempt to fill a missing "need" ?

I'll not back down from my position here because in my eyes empowered and enlightened subs well the're hot! :)

'Need to thrive' as opposed to 'need to survive', so yes, literally.

I actually gave both my opinion and my ideas in another post on this thread. I think you'll be hard pressed to draw a conclusion that I suggested one dwell in misery from what I've written in this thread or any other during my tenure on these boards.

I have no issue agreeing to disagree with you. I believe your suggestion might be helpful to some people. I also believe that such is a short term solution and won't work in the long run.

As far as attacking 'me' personally, I certainly didn't take it that way at all. No harm, no foul as far as I'm concerned. I do think you post a bit aggessively, but no more so than plenty of others here and quite a bit tamer than many. Whether or not I think your words have value to me, personally, will be told with time. If they do, I'll continue to read them and respond when I think I should. If I don't find them of value to me, I have zero issues with passing them by because there are a good number of people whose words are of great value to me and I enjoy debate and commaderie with them on these boards and, in some cases, off line as well. I invite you to draw your own conclusions as to my posting style and engage and debate with me at your will .. or don't. It's up to you.

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

(in reply to BitbyThorn)

RE: Day to Day Inner Struggles - 9/3/2007 5:04:58 PM

Posts: 133
Joined: 10/13/2006
From: Indiana
Status: offline

Put simply, yes. While, as you said, I can manage my life and handle it and I am successful, I can't ever get to a certain level of groundedness, because I'm not expressing my submissive side. You're not alone - unfortunately, I think it just comes with the territory.

cp55

_____________________________

Question everything, try anything, do something.

(in reply to ACryFromTheSoul)

RE: Day to Day Inner Struggles - 9/5/2007 4:06:17 PM

Posts: 732
Status: offline

Having discovered the D/s life, when I was without it I did indeed feel like something was missing. Vanilla guys and dating just couldn't cut it anymore. I joined the local bdsm community and found solace in being with others of my kind, got my regular beating fix and just generally fit in. Not having a Dom of my own hurt like crazy, especially watching the other couples, but I used the time and company to learn more about this life choice and myself in the bargain. I found I don't need to be a submissive to anyone but I would prefer it as a want.

_____________________________

There is no such thing as can't unless it is followed by yet

It is the meaningless little acts that become meaningful in the doing.

The people that mind don't matter and the people that matter don't mind.

(in reply to curiouspet55)

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