Getting behind closed doors

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

Getting behind closed doors

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> Getting behind closed doors

Page: [1]

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

Getting behind closed doors - 8/2/2007 3:23:17 AM

WhiplashSmile

Posts: 1472
Joined: 6/8/2004
Status: offline

Hey Gang,
I going through something with a submissive/slave and thought I'd toss out a few things to see what other sub/slaves think about it.

I met somebody on CM back a few monthes ago, and she got really serious with me. Actually she really captivated me and got my attention.

Now, she says she is still serious. However, one thing that keeps bothering me, is that I feel she is maintaining a distance in terms of exploring things on a deeper level. I mean getting to actually know one another.

This is something not right, she does not ask me many questions about my past, or what I think or feel about things.   I try to get her to open up and share with me more detailed things going on in her day to day life.   Be it small simple stories about shit that happened today, or getting her to share stories about her past.

I get the sense that she is avoiding going into depth for some reason. She is maintaining a distance of sorts.    It's rather confusing because I have a few sub/slaves from here that are friends, and it's never been a problem getting to know them or them getting to know me at a greater depth.

This is some confusing for me, to be involved with somebody who wants something deep and serious. Basicially, I feel there is something wrong and I can't put my finger on it yet.

Have any of you sub/slave types ever had a deep interest in a Dom, yet were avoiding getting to know them at a deeper level or avoid letting the Dom know you at a deeper level?    if so, what reason?

I'm just looking for possible reasons or explainations for this. I'm trying to keep an open mind about what is going on.

Profile

Post #: 1

RE: Getting behind closed doors - 8/2/2007 3:43:55 AM

heartfeltsub

Posts: 1641
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline

Hmmmm, i don't know if my experience will be helpful or not, but here goes. i currently serve two Doms, One as a house girl and submissive (not collared) and the Other as His submissive (also not collared). With the first Dom, because at the time that i met Him, He already had two slaves, one collared and both living with Him, i didn't get into any really intimate conversations with Him, didn't spend a lot of time talking with Him while i wasn't there as i didn't want too intimate a relationship to develop and i find i develop a sense of intimacy by talking with someone. With the Other, i spent a great deal of time talking about everything, because i did desire a close mentally, emotionally as well as physically intimate relationship to develop, and as i said, i do that with talking.

It sounds like you also use talking, sharing personal information about yourself as a way of creating intimacy, but it may be that the submissive you are talking with does not use words the same way. (Am talking about the different languages of love idea). It may be for her shared experiences build that intimacy and then after that intimacy is built, then she is more comfortable talking.

Based on what you said in your opening post, that may be part of it, but then you also said she just doesn't talk a great deal even about non-personal information. my other thought on this is to ask a question. Are these communications taking place over a particular medium, phone, IM, etc. For me personally, i am an unusual woman, i HATE talking on the phone, absolutely loath it and can't get off of the phone fast enough to suit my tastes. She may be similar, just a thought. Hope some of that helped.

heartfelt

_____________________________

Life is an exciting business, and most exciting when it is lived for others.

Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.

Life is either a great adventure or nothing.

Helen Keller

50 NZ points

(in reply to WhiplashSmile)

Profile

Post #: 2

RE: Getting behind closed doors - 8/2/2007 5:01:12 AM

earthycouple

Posts: 4462
Joined: 2/19/2006
Status: offline

I can't give you advice but I know how you feel. I would be very put off by someone I felt was only skimming the top. I tend to have little trust in someone that won't actually "talk" to me. Chatting (in person) isn't the same as talking. I must find that depth and substance to make a good connect.

_____________________________

D~

Seeking, searching, hoping, living, loving, jumping. So what's new with you?

(in reply to heartfeltsub)

Profile

Post #: 3

RE: Getting behind closed doors - 8/2/2007 7:03:42 AM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
Status: offline

If she isn't opening up -

it could mean she has insecurities regarding trusting another with her history or activities.
it could mean she has issues with opening up and maintaining an intimate relationship..
it could mean she is hiding something from you.

I can't offer any guidence other than offer these scenarios to think about. Personally, it would send up a red flag if someone wasn't open even about their day-to-day matters. The only thing I can suggest is that you confront her with your concerns and sort it out as soon as possible so that you aren't injecting too much time into something that may turn out fruitless for you.

Peace
the.dark.

_____________________________

RC&dc

love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to WhiplashSmile)

Profile

Post #: 4

RE: Getting behind closed doors - 8/2/2007 7:21:34 AM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

Is this online, long distance, or sitting in a cafe together talking?

(in reply to WhiplashSmile)

Profile

Post #: 5

RE: Getting behind closed doors - 8/2/2007 8:08:21 AM

CrazyC

Posts: 949
Joined: 9/28/2006
Status: offline

Have you talked to her about this?

I know for me that I don't just open up very well. After being very open most of my life and then having some relationships go bad after that, I just prefer not to be open tell I know the person I am seeing is on the same page. When that person starts being open about his life and things going in it, I seem to open up naturally. Remember this is just me though.

_____________________________

"You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back." Barbara De Angelis

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Profile

Post #: 6

RE: Getting behind closed doors - 8/2/2007 8:12:32 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

I was going to ask the question that Michael did, as well as what her past relationship experience entails?

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to CrazyC)

Profile

Post #: 7

RE: Getting behind closed doors - 8/2/2007 11:15:16 AM

alivingdoll

Posts: 57
Joined: 2/21/2007
Status: offline

Maybe- she has repeated her (novel ) life to some ,only to be hurt in that process(being judged) . She really likes you and doesn't want anything to hinder the relationship based on past experience's with revealing too much of herself too soon. You might judge or simply lose interest once the mystery is over .Maybe her closed door is what is opening your interest ? just a thought ~~~~Doll

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Profile

Post #: 8

RE: Getting behind closed doors - 8/2/2007 11:55:05 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

If I spend some quality time with a person and they still cannot open up then I just know they are not for me.

If this is still all via the net then I wouldn't take the problem, or her, too seriously. Until I spend some quality time actually WITH a person I don't consider it a serious relationship and I also don't give out alot of details. (of course what one person may consider alot of details and what I consider alot of details may vary greatly )

I guess if I were you, and this is still all net stuff.............I would just ask her! Then meet her ASAP.

edited to add.........Because if you cannot meet and spend real time together, why bother?

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to WhiplashSmile)

Profile

Post #: 9

RE: Getting behind closed doors - 8/5/2007 2:33:20 AM

Stephann

Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline

Persaonally, I'm of the opinion that if someone has high walls, and is expecting you to breach them, you're in for a rough ride.

It can quickly spiral into a fantasy oriented relationship; instead of talking about what you are doing this weekend, you're always talking about how great things 'could be.' And 'what it will be like when.....'

It could be a fear of intimacy, or it could be she's already married. Or engaged. Or a man. (depending, of course, if this is online or offline.)

Frankly, if I'm not getting adequate responses from someone I'm interested in, I move on. It could simply be she's not ready; and you've no way of knowing when she will be.

Stephan

_____________________________

Nosce Te Ipsum

"The blade itself incites to violence" - Homer

Men: Find a Woman here

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Profile

Post #: 10

RE: Getting behind closed doors - 8/5/2007 9:38:55 AM

MisPandora

Posts: 2911
Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
Status: offline

Whiplash --
That's a tough predicament. I've found that women generally ask far more questions than males do about YOU as a person, your past, your relationships, and where you're headed. Males (subs and dominants alike) more often than not focus on the activities and the experience. I'd be more inclined to say you might have a guy on your hands, esp if they claim to be serious yet don't take a vested interest in going forward. It likely could be wank material!

_____________________________

Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

(in reply to WhiplashSmile)

Profile

Post #: 11

RE: Getting behind closed doors - 8/5/2007 1:04:16 PM

TemptingNviceSub

Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline

She just may be a more naturally shy or reserved person.You may have to expend a lot of effort to have her open up. If she is worth this then there you go.She may also have other issues she is not telling you about, hence your feelings of something not quite right..again if worth it, you will find out, eventually..Or her actions say she may be stringing you along..you know best on what your gut is telling you..The thing is that you may need to confront her, sit down and really verbalize to her what it is that is troubling you in regards to her lack of communicative skills, if she seems unwilling then to open up in any way then you may need to re-evaluate wether this is a potential relationship for you...Tempting

_____________________________

I have greatly enjoyed the second blooming...suddenly you find at the age of 50, that a whole new life has opened before you.........Agatha Christie.

You must make tracks into the unknown~~Thoreau

(in reply to WhiplashSmile)

Profile

Post #: 12