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Sincere Apologies - 8/4/2007 7:50:02 AM

kyraofMists

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What are the important aspects of a sincere apology to you?

What type of behaviors ruin an apology?

For me an sincere apology is simply stated. It does not offer excuses, justifications or back handed insults to others. It is an admission of what I did wrong and apologizing for it. If I continue the same poor behavior then the apology is meaningless.

Knight's Kyra

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RE: Sincere Apologies - 8/4/2007 7:59:40 AM

wandersalone

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I feel that an apology should stay simple and be an acknowledgement of the mistake ...the minute a person adds a 'but'...eg 'I am sorry but.... ' it turns into a self-justification or blaming exercise. My own experience has been that if I try to over think what I am going to say it becomes more of a face-saving exercise for me.

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RE: Sincere Apologies - 8/4/2007 8:39:02 AM

Level

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Sincerity is the key.

Just apologizing to end an argument, or to silence a critic, is nearly meaningless.

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RE: Sincere Apologies - 8/4/2007 8:52:46 AM

cuddleheart50

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Actions behind an apology is what I look for...anyone can say "I'm sorry"

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RE: Sincere Apologies - 8/4/2007 8:53:19 AM

LuckyAlbatross

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That they understand exaclty what it is they are sorry for, that they truly believe they were in the wrong for it and want to try and make amends (not the "I'm saying sorry just because you think I should") and that they are willing to give and hold to the apology, even if it is not accepted.

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RE: Sincere Apologies - 8/4/2007 8:56:55 AM

CuriousLord

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Apologizing is humiliating. I believe this humilation is what people look for in an apology. The added irony of such humiliation coming directly from what the person is mad at them for adds the delicious bit of irony and vengance for such a wrong that it oftens satisfies the upset individual.

"Sincerity", when it comes to apologies, is likely the sincere feeling of humilation.

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RE: Sincere Apologies - 8/4/2007 9:06:37 AM

angelic

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quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

What are the important aspects of a sincere apology to you?

What type of behaviors ruin an apology?

For me an sincere apology is simply stated. It does not offer excuses, justifications or back handed insults to others. It is an admission of what I did wrong and apologizing for it. If I continue the same poor behavior then the apology is meaningless.

Knight's Kyra

That pretty much says it all. If i apologize and then throw in the word "but", i.e. "i am sorry, but ....." that one word kills the apology.

Interestingly enough i had to learn the 'right' way to apologize. Just three little words, 'i am sorry' without going into a long diatribe about why i am sorry or why i did what i did, etc.

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RE: Sincere Apologies - 8/4/2007 9:09:14 AM

CuriousLord

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If you try to provide reason or excuse, then it's not nearly so humilating. The blantant, unmitigated humilation of admitting to a wrong is what many seem to look for.

The target of the apology want the apologist to feel this humilation, or else the apology isn't perceived as sincere.

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RE: Sincere Apologies - 8/4/2007 9:13:00 AM

LotusSong

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Good question, Kyra.

I don't accept a simple "I'm Sorry". For an apology to be sincere and meaningful to me, I need for the person to tell me WHY they are sorry and acknowledge just how their behavior affected me, what harm it had done and an offer of reparation.

An example: "I'm sorry that my behavior hurt you. I know you needed me to be there for you and I totally dropped the ball. I have no excuse for my behavior other than I'm a self-centered inconsiderate oaf. How can I make this up to you?"

I like to be sure the person learned something and hopefully will not do the offense to another.

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RE: Sincere Apologies - 8/4/2007 9:13:42 AM

Termyn8or

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You might want to have a look at the "Question" thread. That guy is looking for an apology from his daughter who did something that really jammed him up when she was eight. Just read the OP and mine, I did not respond to the respondents, I responded to the OP.

Now onto this.

An apology should be voluntary. I've seen this in action. Three cousins, girls. Hung together all the time and did almost everything together. They are pre-teen, around 11, but mature for their age.

One day two of them decide to go do something but only the two of them. They decided not to include one, and this was devastating to her. This was a fairly decent event or something, it was not a trip to McDonald's.

It is still unknown to this day why they wanted to disclude her from the trip, but she was very upset. The Mother of one of the girls sat the two of them down and proceeded. Not to make them go apologize, but to say stuff like "What if you and ____ wanted to go but didn't want to take you ?". I cannot recant the whole thing, but both girls had tears in their eyes when she was done.

They voluntarily went to their cousin and apologized. They did more than that, they wanted her to know that they now had an idea what it felt like, and it wasn't right. They probably hugged and all that, but the point is, it was a REAL apology.

In a way, an apology is asking to be forgiven, and when it is sincere, and it gives the wronged party the opportunity to forgive.

To err is human,
To forgive, divine.

In laymen's terms,
I musta done something bad sometime,
maybe I should just let this slide.

So I say the true apology, if accepted, is good for both.

T

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RE: Sincere Apologies - 8/4/2007 10:10:47 AM

slaveboyforyou

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I don't have any particular notions of what a proper, sincere apology should contain. Everyone is different, and I generally can see or feel if a person is genuinely remorseful. Some people are just not very good at it, but that doesn't mean they don't feel remorse. My little brother and my father are like that. They just can't say the words, "I am sorry." But, I know if they feel bad about something. I can just sense it. I can generally sense that about anyone I am close to. I am not the type of person that needs to hear those words when I feel wronged. I certainly don't feel the need to teach someone a lesson or have them learn one. I can't stand people who use another's apologies for mistakes as a chance to humiliate them or to feel superior.

I think a better indicator of someone's morals is their ability to forgive. There is a common line that I hear a lot which really irks me. If a person says that they "can forgive, but can't forget" then they don't have the slightest inkling about what true forgiveness really is. When I forgive someone, the matter is forgotten. I don't bring it up again, and I don't use it as leverage in a future argument with that person.

< Message edited by slaveboyforyou -- 8/4/2007 10:12:01 AM >

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RE: Sincere Apologies - 8/4/2007 10:48:16 AM

szobras

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I quite see an apology as a very personal acknowledgement of someones actions. The apology is really not as much about me, as it is thier own self clarity and growth from the experience. No one is perfect, and I think there is a difference in an apology warrented to purposeful, inappropriate actions, other than honest mistakes. I feel it is the effort of ones amends that hold the value understanding so not to repeat behavior. The apology is the beginning of the amends.

< Message edited by szobras -- 8/4/2007 10:49:45 AM >

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RE: Sincere Apologies - 8/4/2007 10:52:41 AM

Real0ne

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quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

What are the important aspects of a sincere apology to you?

What type of behaviors ruin an apology?

For me an sincere apology is simply stated. It does not offer excuses, justifications or back handed insults to others. It is an admission of what I did wrong and apologizing for it. If I continue the same poor behavior then the apology is meaningless.

Knight's Kyra

its submission to and an outward expression to a "higher principle" than "ME"

The glue which holds relationships (and a society for that matter) together etc

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RE: Sincere Apologies - 8/4/2007 1:05:37 PM

slaveluci

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quote:

ORIGINAL: CuriousLord

Apologizing is humiliating. I believe this humilation is what people look for in an apology. The added irony of such humiliation coming directly from what the person is mad at them for adds the delicious bit of irony and vengance for such a wrong that it oftens satisfies the upset individual.

"Sincerity", when it comes to apologies, is likely the sincere feeling of humilation.

I have to respectfully disagree with these sentiments, CL. For me, apologizing is anything but humiliating. It feels cleansing. I would never apologize if I didn't really feel badly about my behavior. When I've done (or failed to do) something and ended up hurting or disappointing someone, I feel the need to apologize. I want to set things right again, so to speak.

I go to the person and just flatly say that I feel badly for my behavior and I wish to apologize. I tell them I know I was in error and I wish to get our relationship/dialogue/etc. back on track again. I tell them I hope they wish to do the same thing and I hope they will accept my sincere apologies for what I've done or said (or failed to do or say).

There is nothing more basic and straightforward to do than this, in my opinion. And, even if the person is slow to believe me or accept the apology, I do not feel humiliated because I'm doing what I know to be right. Honestly though, I can look back on the times I've needed to apologize and I have never once had anyone blow it off or refuse to accept it because they could tell I truly meant it.

Once I've apologized, I honor it by earnestly working on never repeating the same behavior again. To me, that's the test of how sincere the apology was. If the same behavior happens again, I couldn't have been too regretful about doing it the first time.

I've written this from the point of view of being the one who's apologizing. Being one who has also accepted apologies, however, I feel the same. I would never want the person to feel humiliated or lesser for having come to me to apologize. That's not the point, for me, at all. It's just a way to set things right again, not a way to see them grovel. And, on the other hand, if I have to grovel when I'm apologizing, I'm not sure I want to set things right with that person. Just my opinion...........luci

PS - wanted to add that in place of "humiliation," I would use the word "humility." I experience the latter, not the former with an apology. It totally humbles me to go to someone seeking forgiveness and then to receive it

< Message edited by slaveluci -- 8/4/2007 1:09:14 PM >

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RE: Sincere Apologies - 8/4/2007 1:17:27 PM

marieToo

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For me apologies do not have much value in and of themselves; I seldom give them and I never expect them.

When I screw up, it's more important for me to tell the other person involved that I realize the effect my mistake had and how I would not want that to happen again. Then I make a resolve to try not to make that same mistake again.

Maybe this seems like semantical hair-splitting, but I would say it's more important to "acknowledge" the mistake and its results, and to "resolve" not to repeat it, than to say "Im sorry".

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RE: Sincere Apologies - 8/4/2007 2:54:13 PM

kyraofMists

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quote:

ORIGINAL: marieToo
Maybe this seems like semantical hair-splitting, but I would say it's more important to "acknowledge" the mistake and its results, and to "resolve" not to repeat it, than to say "Im sorry".

Whether it is semantics or not, I know that for me what you have listed is more important than the words "I am sorry". The words are rather empty if it is not demonstrated that they know what they did wrong, what impact it had and resolve not to repeat it.

Thank you for sharing.

Knight's Kyra

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RE: Sincere Apologies - 8/4/2007 2:58:16 PM

kyraofMists

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quote:

ORIGINAL: angelic
Interestingly enough i had to learn the 'right' way to apologize. Just three little words, 'i am sorry' without going into a long diatribe about why i am sorry or why i did what i did, etc.

I think this is something that many need or have had to learn.

I know I had to learn it and I also had to learn to stop saying "I am sorry" when I didn't do anything wrong.

Knight's Kyra

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RE: Sincere Apologies - 8/4/2007 3:04:50 PM

slaveluci

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quote:

ORIGINAL: marieToo
I would say it's more important to "acknowledge" the mistake and its results, and to "resolve" not to repeat it, than to say "Im sorry"

marie,
This is what I tried to say only I used about 10 times more words to do it than you did

. Seriously, I couldn't agree more. My Dad was famous for saying - when someone said "I'm sorry" - that "sorry doesn't fix anything." He was indicating by that just what you've said above. It's better to admit fault and vow to do better, not just say "sorry" and think that fixes it..........luci

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RE: Sincere Apologies - 8/4/2007 3:06:31 PM

slaveluci

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quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists
I also had to learn to stop saying "I am sorry" when I didn't do anything wrong.
Knight's Kyra

Oh boy, do I know how that goes?!?! That's a whole other thread there

......luci

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RE: Sincere Apologies - 8/4/2007 3:30:24 PM

SeeksOnlyOne

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for me, between 2 adults who are both aware of what was done wrong, i am sorry, while being looked in the eyes and feeling that they mean it is the only way.

i know when students have to apologize to me, which is not often thank goodness, they have to say i am sorry and what its for.......and look me in the eye......theyre elementary age, and i guess i was probably "trained" to apologize in that same way....

look me in the eye and mean it.......and i will do the same for you if i have to.

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