DiannaVesta
Posts: 1087
Joined: 2/6/2006
From: Mid-Atlantic area
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quote:
ORIGINAL: SusanofO
I know we are discussing men but this question (in my opinion) also applies to females (same principle anyway). I agree w/cloudboy, and some others on this thread.. These women are not at fault (the Dommes), unless they are somehow talking the men into it when they don't want it, or are uncertain about it (which isn't the case). In my own marriage, my husband refused for over 10 years to have sex, and had no inclintion toward BDSM at all. We talked about it (several times), I asked him what he intended to do to satisfy me, and it was clear he didn't intend to change his ways - ever.
I finally asked him if he minded if I had another sex-BDSM partner, and he said "Yes, that's immoral" (as if what he was doing to me was any less moral?) I did end up cheating (for over a year, and by that time, I didn't care if he cared that I did it, or not.) I told him I was going to to it, and I continued my affair for well over a year, at which time I ended it - partly due to guilt, and partly due to just getting along less well my paramour. I admit possibly I should have gotten a divorce anyway years earlier, but I was convinced the situation would and could change. I was wrong about that, though.
So, the standard answer I always seem to hear in cases like this, is that the person wanting to go outside of their marriage to find some satisfaction "should just be honest with their spouse" Well, I can tell you that being honest sometimes gets you absolutely nowhere.
What then? Automatic divorce? My husband didn't want a divorce, and refused to consider it as an option. I also come from a very Catholic family that looks down pretty heavily on the whole idea of divorce. Fortunately, I don't have to deal w/that situation anymore, and didn't have any UM's to consider but - I also know that some people have UMs, plus, a divorce can also just be simply be very disruptive to people's lives, not to mention the financial devastation a divorce can wreak upon some families. Sometimes, I really believe that a divorce is just not the best alternative.
My sister is a divorce attorney, and she says that, although business is booming for her - that she can't count the number of clients she's had who charged into her office insisting that divorce was the only solution to their marital problems, and then five years later, she will run into them somewhere, and they will sometimes whine to her about being sorry they ever divorced. These complaints usually come from women whose life-style has "devolved" about 60% since their divorce, and-or have to constantly haggle with their ex over things like custody arrangements. At the time, it seems like a great solution. Five-ten years later, however....maybe not.
She tries to counsel them to think it over seriously first, before proceeding with divorce - and she even refers some clients to marriage counsellors, and she has even turned potential clients away (some of whose spouses were in "adulterous" relationships). Maybe for some people, divorce is the best solution. But it shouldn't be thought of (IMO) as an automatic solution for everyone who is in this kind of situation.
Just my two cents.
- Susan
Sorry the long quote but I enjoyed this post and have comments.
Of course it can happen to women and it does. My OP was more about men that come to me for training that are married; however I am sure both men and women suffer the same obstacles. No doubt.
I am true Taurus through and through….stubborn, loyal, committed. I tend to really invest into my relationships once I’ve made a commitment. I won’t walk away easily and because I am stubborn I absolutely will stick things out to the bitter end. I do this in every area of my life.
I have no interest in marriage in the traditional sense. I am sure I could never be with just one person yet at the same time I difficult with full poly. My sexuality is very complicated therefore it works for me to have the ability to explore different types of people. I may have one or two primary slaves I’ll fuck and share things I don’t with others (carefully decided and trained) then dozens of men and women I train then spend time with them. I call them slaves but really they are friends with fringe benefits. I train them to serve me and we each find a balance that suits us. This doesn’t mean we don’t have other things going on in our life, we do and maybe we only see each other a few times a year but we are always engaged in our dynamic. We don’t share the everyday life stresses and responsibilities. Of course they contribute to my lifestyle which affords me the time to spend exploring this part of my life.
My primary relationships have always been with women but I enjoy male slaves. I’ve tired so many times having a woman partner and still training males. At first some say ok but that goes away and then comes conflict. I’ve never been able to just be myself. I didn’t lie but I also didn’t disclose the extent of my relationships. Maybe I didn’t fuck them per se but I did share some really intense and erotic times. The highest highs I’ve ever experienced were with males but for some reason I can’t make that relationship connection with them. I certainly don’t hate men. I just never feel equal to them and female supremacy runs deep into my core. It’s a spiritual connection I have with them but I am always primary & divine. Lol- please don’t take this and change the thread. We all have had this discussion before & many don’t agree.
Anyhow, thank you. I love this thread and I find it very constructive. In fact I am going to link to it from my sites. You are all so wonderful.
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RE: Submission & Married Men - 
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), i'm just stuck with a rigid black-and-white moral structure. 
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