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ORIGINAL: cj49230

I am not one to post, but this topic has been a real interest to me. I am a married man, and also enjoy being submissive. My wife and I have discussed this over the years so many times. She is also submissive, and has no problems what so ever seeing her male dominants. She told me several times to go to alt.com, or other sites to try to find someone. I have been a member of different sites for at least 6 or 7 years, answered several ads, and always get the same answers. "You're married, and I don't play with married men, or I am looking for someone younger." You know how frustrating and how lost and empty it makes a person feel?

My wife even went so far as to post a couple of ads herself to try to find someone for me. She said she couldn't understand why it would be so hard to find someone, but she soon found out.  (That was like 3 years ago.) She only recieved two replies, and they were both from males.

I have tried so hard in the past to find a female dominant here in the lower Michigan area. I even changed my profile on the sites I am on to switch, because I do at times enjoy being dominant myself, or being a top.  I did a few years ago have a female Mistress and I truly loved it, but then she moved away, and I have not been able to find anyone since.  I have even told my wife that I might as well give up, but she says to keep trying and eventually it will happen.

I have been completely honest with everyone, and my wife has even offered to talk to them if I found someone. We are totally honest with each other, and don't hold anything back.  It just gets so discouraging though. You would think that after 6 or 7 years I would have found someone. I have recieved a couple of replies saying they wished I lived closer because they were like three or four states away.

I guess I just can not understand why so many are against a married man, especially if the wife is aware of everything, and is ok with it. You would think that being married, he would be safer, and he has much more to loose.

Submission is just something I enjoy. I am totally honest, respectable, and an all around decent and caring guy, but being older, (56) and being married  makes a big difference. 

A little over a year ago, we bought this new home, and then my wife got transfered with her job, so now, we live about 3 1/2 hours away from each other. We get to see each other every other weekend. She is constantly asking if I have had any luck yet, but the answer is always the same.  I really don't know what to think any more, but it sure is hurtful.

Chuck

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ORIGINAL: cj49230

Yes, I know the age thing does add to the difficulty. I wish I could change that, but it is something we have no control over. My wife though, has always given her consent. I certainly give her a lot of credit for that. She has really been good about it. We are always honest and up front with each other so things work out very well in that respect.

I am always afraid to do any posting, because I am always afraid of someone taking it the wrong way, or trying to make it into something different than what I am trying to say.

Thank you for your reply. I apprieciate it.

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ORIGINAL: footsubdenver

I want to thank Mistress DiannaVesta for bringing this topic. I didn't read it till recently. As  a married male for 18 years with sub desires since I was young, I find that if I want to live my submission I am shunned. I always get rejected because I clearly mention I am married and I don't hide it or lie about it.

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  I have couple of thoughts that I hope doesn't offend any one. First why it is  wrong if I want to live my sub side as long as I  am taking care of my wife sexually and all other family needs? I think being married doesn't mean that my desires and wishes are not longer mine or my body can't be touched by another person when I feel to.

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  For me I honor my commitment to my wife that I never had and will not have any intercourse with any other women even my domme so why there is reluctance from dommes to own me?

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 I find it ironic that dommes doesn't look at it from another angle and see that a married man is committed to his family so he will be committed to her as a sub. I hope really dommes consider this point that training and owning a married sub will make him feel comfortable with his sub desires and learn how to please his wife with the learned sub skills too.

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ORIGINAL: MsSonnetMarwood
Regardess....a lot of lifestyle Dommes, for what are very valid reasons, don't accept a married man as a submissive.   That's their choice, and they are 100% entitled to make that choice for themselves.   After all - as the Dominant, it IS more about what they want and what the submissive can do for them, no?

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If needs be, there's a lot of threads on what a kinky bottom that wants things done to them, as opposed to a "submissive", who wants to find a Dominant so they can submit to the Dominant's will and desires.

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You also seem to think that a Domme is more than happy to invest her time, her knowledge, her efforts, her "all", into training a sub to basically serve someone else.   Where is the benefit to HER in this scenario if it's more about making him happy and his wife happy?   Why would she invest her time in a married boy when there are loads of single boys she can train for herself? 

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It goes back to the whole kinky bottom vs. submissive thing.   If it's more about you...and what you want...and how you will benefit from it...are you really looking for a Dominant?

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The thing is - there's an awful lot of married men out there who want to serve a lifestyle domme, and very few lifestyle dommes who will accept married men as submissives.   So if you hope to find one, you have to be a little bit more realistic about what you have to offer, what you're going to do for her to make it worth her investing her time (showing up just isn't enough), and have a good plan on how you're going to market yourself so you are more appealing than the others in that long long LONG line of married boys seeking a lifestyle domme.  

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This is why so many married men seek out a good prodomme - a lot less expectations on them.

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If needs be, there's a lot of threads on what a kinky bottom that wants things done to them, as opposed to a "submissive", who wants to find a Dominant so they can submit to the Dominant's will and desires.

So I can see that since I have desire I am a kinky bottom not submissive? But doesn't all of us have desires? I might be confused here but I know that I am a bottom.

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You also seem to think that a Domme is more than happy to invest her time, her knowledge, her efforts, her "all", into training a sub to basically serve someone else.   Where is the benefit to HER in this scenario if it's more about making him happy and his wife happy?   Why would she invest her time in a married boy when there are loads of single boys she can train for herself? 

I might have things wrong regarding the benefits for the domme and the sub. I think that both benefit from the relationship and both are committing efforts, time , knowledge, etc. I agree single men out there have better chances than married men . I am confused about the comment that the sub shouldn't be happy,  personally if I am not happy and satisfied from any relationship why I am in it? So a domme /sub is one way relationship with no reciprocity?

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It goes back to the whole kinky bottom vs. submissive thing.   If it's more about you...and what you want...and how you will benefit from it...are you really looking for a Dominant?

I think submissive doesn't mean that the person shouldn't or can't benefit from the relationship. Every one have needs and wants.

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The thing is - there's an awful lot of married men out there who want to serve a lifestyle domme, and very few lifestyle dommes who will accept married men as submissives.   So if you hope to find one, you have to be a little bit more realistic about what you have to offer, what you're going to do for her to make it worth her investing her time (showing up just isn't enough), and have a good plan on how you're going to market yourself so you are more appealing than the others in that long long LONG line of married boys seeking a lifestyle domme.  

I am really grateful for the suggestions, setting realistic expectations, have a good marketing plan, and clearly identify the benefit for both parties really will help. I still believe it is an investment from both parties not one.

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This is why so many married men seek out a good prodomme - a lot less expectations on them.

If they can afford it great, but that is not what I am looking for.

Thank you again. I starting to see things clearer now.

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ORIGINAL: DiannaVesta

I recently posted this at Femsupreme and wanted to get your views here too.

I’ve discussed this topic before a bit but wanted to once again revisit it. Over the years my ideas and concerns have changed. At first I had a hard time seeing married men and at one point refused, however as of late I have taken a very active interest in married men and training them. It’s actually a spiritual feeling I get over the whole thing and without sounding crazy that is exactly what I’m suppose to be doing.
 
So let’s take “Mike”, for example. He has been married for 20 years, has children and has had an interest in female domination most of his life. He’s gone to see professionals, has had affairs that conflicted with his marriage and tired desperately to push his feelings away. He might be successful with this for a time but feelings of guilt and frustration quickly cloud his world. He often battles with depression and mood swings. It affects his entire world. He fantasizes about escaping, leaving his family and living as a slave where all of his worries are erased away. It’s an ongoing trap where no one is fulfilled; not Joe or his family.
 
So I accept Mike for training. Training requires a commitment, so to speak to follow through various tasks. He is asked to build an altar not to worship so much as a daily point of focus. Now you’re thinking how can he so this with a family, right? An altar is simple a place in his home or office that he keeps fresh flowers and maybe a candle. Nothing metaphysical but a place he must look at daily and close his eyes to repeat (to himself) a short incantation. He is also given other task and taught various lessons in manners, massage, adoration, respect for women and even his diet. Mike has been overweight and not as healthy as he should be due to life’s stresses. He follows the lessons and he is also rewarded with the ability to safely and discreetly explore his fantasies in a cerebral and non-threatening capacity. He is asked to practice and perform simple acts of adoration for his wife. He can still feel the balance of being owned, his fantasy and yet it integrates with his existing lifestyle. Within a few months Mike feels better about himself and his relationship with his wife has become enhanced. Maybe not to the point where he can confess his submissive needs but in his daily actions.
 
I’ve seen positive results from this.
 
So I’m wondering your thoughts and feelings on this subject. If you’re a man that has served a mistress and felt that it’s enhanced your life then I would like to here from you too. Or if you do not have a mistress, you are married and have found your fantasies to conflict with your relationship and everyday life in some fashion or another.
 
 
 

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ORIGINAL: cloudboy

I think what you are doing is a good thing. In my view, its not your job to be the outer-moralist or decisionmaker in another's marriage. Also, by helping someone get things outside of his marriage that he cannot get inside of it, you may be doing some real good.

Naturally, I think you need to show some sensitive judgment about his marriage and where the boundaries are, but helping someone experience BDSM discreetly (when he needs to be discreet) isn't ipso-faco facto wrong, immoral, or "crossing the line." Also, there is something to be said for more happiness and experience promotes a greater good.

Ideally, all folks getting extra-marital attention would be "poly." But, you and I both know: 1) we don't live in an ideal world; 2) full disclosure and honesty are not always the best policies; and 3) sometimes even a married person needs to act as an individual.

What's good about your relationship is: 1) you won't get pregnant (no intercourse, I imagine); 2) you won't give him any STDs; 3) you seem to be taking a developmental approach with him in your domination.

Downside risks: Could threaten his marriage. You might get the blame for it.

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I'll close out too with this Dan Savage pearl of wisdom:

One thing that hasn't changed in the wake of Sewell's book is my advice to women with low libidos: You can have strict monogamy or you can have a low libido, but you can't have both. If monogamy is a priority, you're gonna have to put out, i.e., regular vaginal intercourse and the occasional tide-him-over handjob and/or blowjob, cheerfully given. If all you wanna do is sit there and eat chocolate, you're gonna have to turn a blind eye to lap dances and mistresses and happy endings and the return of trade, i.e., gay guys giving NSA (no strings attached) head to straight guys.

One may substitute "no kink" or "no BDSM" for "low libido."

"Put out" might also include the occasional "bondage scene" or "spanking."