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ORIGINAL: AAkasha

There's been a fresh round of posts asking for advice regarding how to develop a relationship with a dominant woman.  People have given a lot of advice, but I think it would be interesting to specifically hear from submissives who are currently in a longterm, successful femdom relationship.  How did you do it? How do you deal with ongoing challenges?  What are some of those challenges?

Akasha

As others have pointed out, some of us in relationships are rather busy, both in our relationship with our Mistress and in other parts of our lives.  Mistress pointed me to this thread and asked that I post a response.  As our relationship is relatively new (we made "first contact" here on CM late last October), I didn't exactly feel "successful" yet, which I shared with her, but she asked me to post anyway.  After thinking more about it, I'm collared to her now and we are making plans for our future, so I'd say that I am indeed "sucessful!"  I've also been successful in the past, and more importantly, in the present by connecting with Majik through CM...  So here I am.

How did I do it?  Good question Akasha!  First, I'd have to say would be that I was honest, both with myself and with everyone I've met through the forums and on the other side here at CM.  I started by creating a profile that described myself as honestly as I knew how to, which included what I felt I had to offer, what I thought was looking for, my general interests, and bit of who I believed I am.  Then, I actively became involved in the boards.  Becoming involved gave me an outlet for my desire to discuss the lifestyle and be part of it without playing with strangers, as that's simply not who I am or what I'm about.  It was also a form of free advertising to attract a woman that might read something I had to say that resonated with somthing inside her.  If nothing else, I knew it would give me something to do and that I'd likely make a few friends in the lifestyle.  From my point of view, one can never have too many friends.

That approach worked for me.  Occasionally I received messages on the other side from various people about things I'd posted that would lead to discussions of one sort or another.  I've done the same with others who've posted things that touched something within me.  One day last October, Majik complimented me on the other side about something I'd posted.  After reading her profile, I discovered we had numerous other interests in common which we began to discuss as two people who were equals.  Eventually things moved to IM and we continued to chat about various things while slowly getting to know each other.  When we finally met face-to-face during the first week of January, there was a lot of mutual chemistry and definitely more than a few sparks were flying about in the air by the end of our lunch.  

I'll confess that early on I was chatting with others and as time passed, I discovered for one reason or another, either it wasn't clicking with them, that it just wasn't going to work, or that I was losing interest in favor of Majik.  The message to other subs being, "don't put all your eggs in one basket" and that I felt I had a lot to offer the right Mistress "for me".  Until I was collared, I was under no obligation to not continue to explore possibilities with more than one domme unless I chose on my own to only see one, which I did as time passed.

For us, the biggest on-going challenges have been the slightly over 3 hours distance between us and problems I've had in dealing with a very angry and increasingly emotionally unstable former Mistress who is being intentionally difficult in regard to my unmentionables and doesn't want to finalize a very litigious divorce (over 15 months now, purely because of her) which could easily have been final a year ago.  The financial burden has been tremendous for me and the legal issues I've had to contend with every couple months very stressful.  It's affected my ability at times to be fully present and focused entirely on Majik, despite her being very understanding and supportive of what she knows is a difficult situation for anyone to endure.  But our communication is very good and we've been able to talk about those things when they've occurred.  Initially, when we first met, I think we were both concerned about our BDSM compatibility, but that has turned out to be a great and very pleasant surprise for both of us.  Speaking for myself, I've gone further with her than I'd ever anticipated I'd be able to in such a short time and fully expect her to take me to places that I'd never dreamed I'd be able to go.

We share many of the same vanilla interests as well as similar philosophies on how we'd like the basic D/s power exchange and interaction between us to work.  We've also been introducing each other to different areas of that D/s interaction (I'm more service oriented than she's been used to) and exploring new areas of play for one another that one of us had experience in, but not the other; with both of us finding it very enjoyable to share as we've learned from the other.  So for us, it's been a very good melding of different D/s experiences and historical backgrounds that we've both approached fairly slowly with a certain degree of caution; particularly considering the status of my prior relationship with my UM's difficult mother/former Mistress. 

For the record, my former Mistress became verbally and emotionally abusive.  According to her, I couldn't do anything right.  I know better, but tolerated it because of the UM's.  It eventually escalated to where it was happening in front of the UM's, greatly frightening them.    That's when I moved out and papers were filed.  

Things have gone so well with Magik because I've been myself and above all been totally honest, not hiding anything from her about myself or my past; creating trust with her from the beginning.  We also developed a friendship first as two people who shared common interests.  Like any woman, she likes to know that she's attractive, so I'd flirt with her and apply some innuendo or use double entendres' as part of our conversations; adding some sexual tension to the conversations without trying to lead or be too overt.  However, that's also part of my nature and personality, so what works for me may not be a formula that works for others.  I will say that one occurrence of something I said as an innuendo, did lead to breaking the ice and turning the talk directly to our shared interests in certain kinks.  Otherwise, I'd have waited for her to open the doors to that discussion.  As I recall, it kind of snowballed in a way that felt natural for me as things progressed from there.  I think Majik was relieved as well that the door was open and we were free to go there, although we've never discussed it.

Initially, I found myself unconsciously wanting to "top from the bottom".  I know ladies, what a bad boy it sounds as though I must be; a real do-me sub!  Honestly, it wasn't something I was doing on purpose.  Instead, it was simply something that was from the anxiousness which had been built over time to be with her in so many different ways we'd talked about which I now desired with great intensity (you could say from all the teasing too; something she's very good at).  I think it was more a case of after all our discussion about what appealed to us, I was a suddenly feeling like a kid in a giant candy store who wanted to sample everything at once (I think we both did to a large extent).  Gently, she reminded me who was the Domme and would be in-control.  That was all it took to put me in my place, helping me to easily let go of any need I had to direct where things were going.  It released my mind to enjoy wherever she decided to take us on any particular occasion.

I think part of the key in our success for us is that we've also taken our time and not rushed headfirst into things.  This has allowed us to get to know each other at our own pace without a lot of pressure or diving-in and suddenly "finding ourselves at the deep-end of the pool and not knowing how to swim."  That's allowed us to build both a D/s connection as well as an emotional one, which is what we both want and desire from a relationship.

I'm not certain what else I can say without writing a tomb of more personal information than is necessary.  To subs, I'd say to get involved in posting in the forum, to know thyself and what you want from a relationship with a Domme who is a real woman, and most important of all, to value yourself along with what you have to offer a woman as her submissive; then have the confidence in yourself to show her that you're worth her time!

Hope someone finds this useful.

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ORIGINAL: sjacket

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ORIGINAL: puppy22DBQ

Well, perhaps it is jus luck that has done this for me but I am only 22 years old and have had 3 girlfriends who all were accepting of me as a sub and, therefore, themself as a dom.  In addition, I've had a few more oppertunities spent with young women (one-night stands, if you will) in the same regard.  Most of the girls have never done anything like that before, and each girlfriend I've had has always said, "I never thought I would've liked it!" ...
Alright; on to the good stuff... advice that I'd have...
No girl likes a man they can walk all over from the start.  It doesn't make sense to say on the first night, "I love your feet, could I kiss them and serve you any way you'd like?"  Nor do women like to hand out instructions from day 1... at least in my experiences.  Therefore, you need to be confident.  Once a girl falls for you, she'll be willing to try things she might have never tried; and as a sub, it's worth doing for her pleasure!  ...........Take one aspect of the bdsm at a time; never push her to do new things because then it'll just be harder to get to the next spot. 

How about this (and not to brag or anything) my girlfriend recently called her best friend while I was kissing her toes to inform her that she thought I had a foot fetish (pretending I wasn't there).  The best friend says, "Wow, that's intresting.. just make sure he doesn't spend all his time down there." 
... so I didn't so much as tell her that there are tons of people who like being tied up-- NEXT: at first my current girlfriend thought it was odd that I enjoyed feeling small in front of her; she and I made a night where we looked on the internet and found about 1000 sites with people with similar intrestes.  All of a sudden she was searching online to get ideas because she thought it was pretty cool. 

SO- In conclusion; if the woman has fallen for you, she'll try new things.  Start small and work slow.  Never force and never pressure.  Be sensitive and make her realize that you do enjoy it... it's a little like trying to talk a woman into buying that new car you don't have.

This entire post is about topping from the bottom, finding 'nilla girls and turning them "as a dom".  Of course.  Since he's a sub, naturally any girlfriend will be a dom [sic]. 

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ORIGINAL: ChainsandFreedom
[...]
I have a feeling unattatched male subs have other things they'd rather do that listen to other lucky basterds talk about how lucky they are.

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ORIGINAL: subiugo

[Awaiting Approval]

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  I don't necessarily think that it's telling.  Perhaps it speaks to the fact that successful male submissives are not wasting their domina's time pining on a message board and are out being productive for their Goddess.

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ORIGINAL: MsLilac


I think the lack of replies from male subs doesn’t necessarily indicate a lack of success for them. What I have noticed on these, and other forums for that matter, that men are far less numerous in their participation than women, particularly when it comes to personal matters. Not sure why, but just my limited observation, rightly or wrongly. I think there is some pop psychology about (generally) women being more socially orientated than men. Not sure I agree with it, just a theory. Maybe if the question was asked to their Fem Dom counterparts, I suspect you’d might find more responses/success stories.

This is a interesting thread. I do hope to see more entries from male subs :)

In general, men don't have "deeper" conversations with one another.  Instead they have more superficial ones about sports, the kids, the house, hobbies, building or repairing things, etc.  Only with very close friends do they share more personal things and even then in my experience it is rare for them to share their feelings on a really deep level.  Instead they're usually far more comfortable sharing these emotions with their partners instead where the ego isn't nearly so involved.  The only exceptions of note I've ever seen have been in various kinds of men's issues or therapy groups where getting to real emotions was part of the group's goal.

As to participation in the forums, in part I think there needs to be separate "Ask a Male Submissive" and "Ask a Female Submissive" Forums, just as there's an "Ask a Mistress" and "Ask a Master" Forum.  While many of the issues are common between the two, many are not.  Having an area of our own, might encourage more men to participate and discuss issues relevent or more specific to us. 

When participating in the "Ask a Mistress" Forum, at times it can be rather hostile for men when they post or participate in that particular forum.  The attitude toward men who post there can vary; sometimes we're welcomed and sometimes we're not.  Sometimes, it's also deserved, particularly when inappropriate things things are posted just to stir things up or to look for wanking material, and that's not what I'm speaking of.

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ORIGINAL: herpet1313

Texas Ma'am's point is a good one. i work full time and do all the housework, laundry, and grocery shopping, and thus have little time to spend on the internet. Besides, being happy, i am not looking to hook up. The subject of Miss Ahasha's thread perked my interest  but after reading the posts, i have little time to reply.       i would like to respond to the gentleman who implied that there is something wrong with topping from below. i would bet that most, although certainly not all, successful Femdom couples, began their journey with this approach.
We are today, a happy femdom couple, but the 15 year journey which led us here would never have started without my initial suggestions that she read some stories i wrote.

To a certain extent, there has to be some kind of communication about the sub's desires in order to have a sucessful relationship.  How to do that without "topping from below" is a delicate line to walk, and is one that is nearly impossible to do without crossing the invisible line on occasion.  It's the sharing of desires in a respectful and honest manner that counts as far as I'm concerned.  If the mutual desire for a D/s relationship is there, the Domme will understand and take this into consideration.  At least that's been my experience, even it I get laughed at on occasion when fumbling for the right words to delicately express my desires.

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ORIGINAL: littlesarbonn

I agree, Pixel. It's why I post a lot less about significant issues in these forums these days. I got really tired of being either told I was wrong, or criticized for not toeing the invisible line. I've made the mistake too many times of taking the bait from a woman asking what I thought was a sincere question, only to be insulted and criticized in response.