Moving on (Full Version)

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amaidiamond -> Moving on (8/19/2007 2:38:51 PM)

Hi Everyone,

Well just thought I'd come here to see if anyone could offer any advice, I'm not the dirty laundry in public type but I figured must be worth a try, I'm just so screwed up currently.

Basically - I have known a Dom in the USA 7 years, great guy, we've been friends a long time then at the start of this year decided to say sod the distance, we care about each other to much not to give it a try. So we tried, and it was amazing, yes it involved lots of flights, lots of money and it was horrible to leave him but it was working pretty good, I was all set to start the visa application process and the like.

Back at the start of this month, after being distant for a little while, he released me, via MSN of all things, stating that he loved me but couldnt handle the distance. Since then it's emerged that he has realised just how hard it is to get a US visa and his good friend has just had his wife sent home, deported, so my ex Master is basically panicking, shutting down and cutting me loose, he says its not guarenteed I'll get a visa and he couldnt bear not being able to have me. I don't understand how dropping me now is any better but it's his choice.

So now here i am, hurting, confused and just, needing closure, my stuff is still at his place, I have the collar he gave me in my bag as he recently moved, only a few blocks but i don't have the new address, He says it hurts to much to discuss sending my collar back so I'm just kinda, carrying it around, not really sure what to do with it.

I'm desperatly lost at the moment, and it's just, not getting any better, I understand it's over, but thing is I gave everything, for maybe the first time in my life and time in this lifestyle i handed over everything, even beat my biggest fear as he wanted my nipples pierced, now i can't even look at the piercings because they make me remember.

I guess i'm sounding pretty pathetic, just some silly slave that was stupid enough to trust and give her heart away but i am struggling to deal with the hurt and betrayal inside me, that he states he loves me more than anything makes it harder to understand.

My question is does anyone have any ideas on getting closure, how can I move on.. I don't mean move onto another Dom, just, stop feeling so wretched, I've tried spoiling myself, distracting myself but every so often this horrid wave of pain comes back and knocks me for six.

Comments greatfully appriciated, thank you

Edited to clear the worst of the typos



charlotte12 -> RE: Moving on (8/19/2007 3:29:51 PM)

I am sorry you are hurting. I would just suggest getting out and living life as much as you can. Advice for how to get over a D/s relatoinship that ended is not really any different than a vanilla one. For me it just takes time and friends and some good cries...and time. 



velvetears -> RE: Moving on (8/19/2007 3:32:05 PM)

FR

i know this isn't the advice you might want to hear but stop trying to "get over him".  Grieve, give your energy to this hurt and pain.  If you try to avoid it or not deal with it all you will do is prolong the process.  The only thing that's going to help you in the long run is time.  Eventually you won't feel as wretched, and one day you won't feel wretched at all.  But that will take working through your feelings, allowing yourself to grieve, give yourself time to heal.  Don't jump into another relationship to ease the hurt, for one thing it's not fair to the other person and it's only a temporary solution which will lead to other sorts of complications later on.  Writing can be very cathartic. Find outlets and keep yourself busy.  One day you will feel lighter, the world will seem brighter and you will realize your ready to open your heart and life to another. Good luck to you.



unbroken33 -> RE: Moving on (8/19/2007 4:12:12 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: amaidiamond
I guess i'm sounding pretty pathetic, just some silly slave that was stupid enough to trust and give her heart away but i am struggling to deal with the hurt and betrayal inside me, that he states he loves me more than anything makes it harder to understand.

No, you don't sound pathetic.  You sound like you're in a lot of pain, and rightfully so.  i honestly believe it hurts a lot worse when a sub gets dumped than when vanillas break up.  That said, you need time--probably also not something you wanted to hear.  It's okay to hurt over this.  This too shall pass, eventually. 

i'll second the advice not to jump into another relationship (rebounding).  You'll only hurt worse, and end up hurting someone else.  It sounds like you two are still talking.  If he isn't open to getting over his fears, you might need to take a break from talking with him...  Continued contact only hurts worse and prolongs the pain.



KatyLied -> RE: Moving on (8/19/2007 4:24:23 PM)

quote:

ack at the start of this month, after being distant for a little while, he released me, via MSN of all things,


After knowing you for seven years this is how he released you?  This should be enough to:  1) show you the type of man he is and 2) provide you with all of the closure you need.  My advice is to do something symbolic with the collar and find a way to give yourself closure, because I highly doubt you'll get any from him.  Take some time to grieve, but don't overdo it, don't give him any power over you.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Moving on (8/19/2007 5:33:00 PM)

I remain unconvinced that this craze of "needing closure" is at all a positive thing for people to hold onto.  I understand people feel they need closure- but wanting or hoping to get it FROM some external source is just cause for more heartache and hanging on.

Tell him you need to do a stuff swap- whether you choose to mail it or meet at a neutral location is up to you.  But he wanted the release and that means he needs to follow it up and make the break.

And I agree with Katy- you likely don't WANT to be in a relationship with someone who deals with life in this manner anyway.  It will take time and some soul searching before you're back to you again, but you will get there.



violetaelf -> RE: Moving on (8/19/2007 6:01:00 PM)

Hi,

I'm sorry to hear you are hurting so... and the truth is, it will hurt for a while no matter what you do. But in time it will pass and it'll get better. Time heals things.

I'm sad to hear that after 7 years of a LD Relationship he ends it because of the fear of not getting a visa... it's like he didn't even try. I think if you really care so much about someone, you will try your hardest and not give up trying to be with them until there is no other option available.

I do hope yo will feel better and slowly get back on your feet and be able to breathe freely.

All best wishes to you.

'violet'



utterlybutterfli -> RE: Moving on (8/19/2007 6:16:24 PM)

Ahhh, Honey, I'm sorry for you.

You don't sound pathetic by the way, you simply sound like someone who's been hurt in a fairly bad way. I don't really doubt he does still love you, if you want the truth, but I think hes demonstrated by this behaviour that he probably doesn't love you enough, and he certainly doesn't sound like he deserves you.

Would 'Closure' really help you move on? I don't know. I'm of the opinion that, crap though it is, the only thing that really helps the pain is time.Time and.. chocolate. Time and moaning about him till 3am with your girlfriends. Time and going to the gym so you can look in the mirror one day and think 'wow, look what you're missing'. Time crying into your pillow.Theres no shame in pain, in crying when you've been dumped - (especially not via messenger.)
Sending his Collar back, might help (although feeling like the relationship meant enough to him that he might at least have the decency to sort out  the return of your belongings and unless you have some hidden stalking issues.. yanno, feel able to tell you his address might help more). If its not necessary stuff that he has of yours I'd suggest trying to forget about it for a while. As for your Collar, can you not put it where you don't have to look at it for a while , send it to a friend?
I know its painful but it will get better. And then in no time at all, you'll be writing resposes to subs who are going through what you're going through now, saying  to them:  '..I know its painful...'

I do hope you feel better soon






shyinini -> RE: Moving on (8/19/2007 7:56:58 PM)

utterlybutterfli  is right on so many points. 
One thing I feel deeply with you on is this ~~~
I'm desperatly lost at the moment, and it's just, not getting any better, I understand it's over, but thing is I gave everything, for maybe the first time in my life and time in this lifestyle i handed over everything, even beat my biggest fear as he wanted my nipples pierced, now i can't even look at the piercings because they make me remember. 
I too gave deeply and utterly and felt betrayed as well as bear a tattoo on my right shoulder (a bit more permanent than piercings).
 
BUT ~~ it took me awhile (seemed forever), but to bear the emotions of his betrayal and his rejection over what is totally devastating is to continue to give him control.  
 
I know the hurt and the need for closure... he never gave it.  I had to allow myself to close the door.... on many levels.  
You can do so as well........  I might be strong but I dont see myself that way most of the time ....so you go girl...cry it all out as often as you must as you close that door and KNOW somone else will want you.  I promise you that.
 
Sir's girl, who hurts for anyone in this spot and time.  



dollylima -> RE: Moving on (8/19/2007 8:23:55 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

I remain unconvinced that this craze of "needing closure" is at all a positive thing for people to hold onto.  I understand people feel they need closure- but wanting or hoping to get it FROM some external source is just cause for more heartache and hanging on.


I agree, LA. We can not make another person give us what we believe we need in order to move on, just as we can not make someone else love us. Closure is something we sometimes have to create for ourselves. It's a difficult process, but this sort of work is usually where the growth happens.



TemptingNviceSub -> RE: Moving on (8/19/2007 9:39:01 PM)

I think all of us at one time or another have wished for a way to deal with the pain of a relationship gone bad...but just maybe we were meant to feel this pain. I mean truly, without having had emotional pain dealt to you in life, then how can you appreciate it when you experience true joy as well. There would be no absolute embracing of the good things, unless you have something of an opposite nature to compare it to...Reflect on the joy that you experienced in that relationship, and allow yourself to feel the pain of its ending.....warm thoughts/Tempting



chickpea -> RE: Moving on (8/19/2007 10:15:06 PM)

Relish the good, and learn from the bad, and feel the pain.  Hope you move on.  Just know that when you walk away, you don't hand over the power to him and you didn't let him get away with anything as you can be sure that a person who lives his life like that and treats people like that, that karma will soon catch up to him.  This is the greatest thing in moving beyond the details of the spat and towards focusing on something better for yourself in your own life (if that's what you choose), and letting go and letting a higher force deal with others who were bringing negatives into your life. 

It's never easy as submissives.  We give to much trust in others...and when it goes sour, well....it was like getting used to living on a boat that somehow sank. [image]http://www.collarchat.com/micons/m24.gif[/image]  somehow we will need to regain the ability to direct ourselves (swim) by distancing ourselves (swim away from the boat) from the situation or giving ourselves time (get used to living off the boat), hopefully we can think of some good thoughts and direct ourselves towards something good (swim to a new boat or a stay on land and rest some more).  There are other boats out there that you may eventually notice, or you may go back to the old boat after repairs/upgrades are made enough so it doesn't sink again (if it wasn't so bad in the first place.).  Just don't doubt your own feelings good and bad, and be good to yourself.  Best wishes to you.



HalloweenWhite -> RE: Moving on (8/20/2007 4:08:54 AM)

You have My deepest sympathy, I'm going through something very similar, except I'm the Dominant and living in the U.K, she's the submissive living in th U.S. -She- said she wanted to meet Me and that she would come as and when it was possible, she told Me she wanted to be in a relationship with Me albeit online.

But things have not gone well as of a few days ago-it seems she's lost interest so I'm back at square on, what give Me hope fo the future and justifies My belief in her is that -you- managed to tavel to the U.S so it is at least possible.

Well, anyway, Im just really sorry that things didn't work out in the end. Don't give up hope, the Dominant of your dreams is still out there.



trustingsubHF -> RE: Moving on (8/20/2007 6:54:17 AM)

i understand your hurt and i know how tough it is to have someone throw you aside as if you never mattered to begin with... just move forward by allowing yourself to feel the things that you do, it is all part of the grieving process and it must happen in order for the hurt to go away.
you will do fine in time... keep busy doing things that you enjoy to take away the thoughts of Him. i wish you the very best and i am so sorry that you are going through this!



littleone35 -> RE: Moving on (8/20/2007 7:14:35 AM)

I am so sorry you are feeling this pain.  Let yourself grieve cry if you need to i know this is a plaitude but it weill get better.  I am speaking from experience.  One thing i think would help is getting rid of the collar.  If you don't want to do that put it somewhere where you won't see it every day. The only thing that will help is time.  Wish you the very best.

Matt's littleone



Divina -> RE: Moving on (8/20/2007 7:14:56 AM)

Hi dear.
You know, he is just a man; full of insecurities, fears, inhibitions. Apparently not good at handling a crisis, probably with not very sharp critical thinking...and you found out the hard way in a crisis...
It is too bad but it is not your fault...
Circumstances reveal people's character, and this is his...a little yellow in my book too, but that's human nature. And doms fall into the human race.
Accept it as a natural part of living and loving. You will eventually get over it.



amaidiamond -> RE: Moving on (8/20/2007 1:57:45 PM)

I just wanted to say thank you all so much for the advice, and also thank you for not thinking I'm as pathetic as i sometimes feel - I plan to take the advice that has been offered and work through each and every day, I figured i can't stop myself loving this man but I can try and distance myself and work on my own emotions to try and turn myself around.
It is immensly hard to deal with the getting dumped via MSN, and if I try and talk to him he blames me for making him feel bad, so I'm going to let that one go, I plan to send a msg saying that i would like to send him his collar back and that i would like the new address however if I do not have it I will send it to the old one. I'm sure there will be some sort of mail forward in place, i know the address to walk there just not the number or street name if that makes sense.
I guess i can admit that in time I will trust again, just doesnt feel like it currently, your advice has really lifted me, made me feel less like just an idiot, thank you



bandit25 -> RE: Moving on (8/20/2007 2:03:42 PM)

You're not an idiot, honey, you're just human.  You loved him...now you grieve.  Soon you won't.  It'll be ok.



ThunderRoad -> RE: Moving on (8/20/2007 4:25:20 PM)

Maybe attend munches and socialize with the community some.  Non-sexually play as you need release and let time heal things.  Surround yourself with friends that understan you are kinky and understand your pain and will respect your bounds.

Friends help everything heal faster.  Kinky friends can help even better.






AquaticSub -> RE: Moving on (8/20/2007 4:38:43 PM)

While I vehmently disagree with this notion that d/s breakups are worse (let's face it - the less you are attached to something the less you care when it goes, and I suspect subs are more attached to the dominant men in our lives than the vanilla ones) a breakup is a breakup is a breakup.

And they all fucking suck.

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this. If anything you left with him is valuable, you may need to contact a lawyer. As for the collar, it doesn't sound like he wants it back. If you want to be rid of it, tell him it hurts you too much to have it so either give you an address or let you pitch it. Spend a lot of time with your friends and try not to overdose on Ben and Jerry.

Best wishes to you,
Aqua



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