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How do you find out? - 8/29/2007 4:11:22 AM

BiteGirl

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If you are interested in someone, or even dating them, how do you bring BDSM up? How do you know if they are kinky or not? Or do you just go vanilla if you think they would not be interested in it at all?

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RE: How do you find out? - 8/29/2007 4:32:09 AM

Drifa

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Joined: 7/27/2007
From: Rural Texas
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quote:

ORIGINAL: BiteGirl

If you are interested in someone, or even dating them, how do you bring BDSM up? How do you know if they are kinky or not? Or do you just go vanilla if you think they would not be interested in it at all?

If you know them well enough to be considering sex with them, wouldn't this sort of thing be something you would discuss?

Back in my dating days, when I started feeling like I wanted to get naked with someone, I started talking to them about the feelings of attraction I had, and asking what sorts of things they enjoyed sexually. Which naturally gives you the opportunity to say, "I enjoy some kinky stuff myself".

Before you start with any sort of sex involving BDSM, you should absolutely spend a few minutes negotiating what will and will not be acceptible, what your safe words are, and so forth.

You gotta talk, is all!

(in reply to BiteGirl)

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RE: How do you find out? - 8/29/2007 6:07:06 AM

BiteGirl

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Hm.
So you'd say not make a big deal, just be like, "this is what I like".
Have you found anyone who compleatly turns off at the thought or is like "I dont want to hit a girl", takes a while to get use to it, etc?

(in reply to Drifa)

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RE: How do you find out? - 8/29/2007 8:11:23 AM

LuckyAlbatross

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The good part about dating is that nothing's serious and nothing's solid yet. This is when you're SUPPOSED to bring up the stuff you like.

I'd say fairly on in dating, over dinner, when you're considering sex, just casually bring it up.

Some do get turned off by it and don't want that- this is to be expected. This is good, it lets you know early on that you aren't compatible.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

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RE: How do you find out? - 8/29/2007 8:52:58 AM

Alumbrado

Posts: 5560
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There are all sorts of lifestyle themed T-shirts which can steer the conversation in the right direction.

http://www.stockroom.com/b921.htm

http://www.cafepress.com/buy/bdsm/-/pv_design_details/pg_6/id_10745542/opt_/fpt_/c_666/

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

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RE: How do you find out? - 8/29/2007 3:58:53 PM

iammachine

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quote:

http://www.stockroom.com/b921.htm

zomg.... WANT!

Anyway, to the OP: Just... communicate. Hey, so and so, what do you enjoy? Hey cool neato, I like this kinda stuff, how do you feel about it?

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I still hear you scream... in every breath, every single motion

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RE: How do you find out? - 8/29/2007 4:48:10 PM

aparootsa

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Joined: 5/2/2007
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I kind of hint at things and see if she bites... so to speak. There are many many opportunities to say goofy, seemingly joking things (yes mistress/do I need to tie you up?/etc), and if you watch closely, facial expressions can tell all. Generally if you tease someone like that and they're kinky, they'll tease back, and the conversation can get more serious from there. It may be easier for me because of my personality (prone to teasing, easygoing, and people aren't usually entirely surprised I'm kink), but I think in general it's not very hard to bring up unless you're far in the closet.

(in reply to iammachine)

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RE: How do you find out? - 8/29/2007 5:08:38 PM

Drifa

Posts: 547
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From: Rural Texas
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quote:

ORIGINAL: BiteGirl

Hm.
So you'd say not make a big deal, just be like, "this is what I like".
Have you found anyone who compleatly turns off at the thought or is like "I dont want to hit a girl", takes a while to get use to it, etc?

I don't run into the "don't want to hit a girl" folks outside of actual martial arts... there I have encountered the attitude, to which my reply was, "Fine, up to you if you want to just stand there, but I will be hitting YOU!"

For me, BDSM is about sensation, not necessarily pain. If I'm all hot and bothered, a lot of things *aren't* actually painful, they just feel wonderful. There are times we explore more painful activities too, but that was not what we started with on the first date. And bondage and spankings are not the sum total of our sex life nor our marriage - just the very spicy garnish.

Yes, I suggest don't making a big deal of it. I just ask matter-of-factly what kinds of things please them, and in turn I'll divulge the things I like. But I start in general terms... "I'm a little kinky, I enjoy a good spanking or being tied up now and then" rather than turning over the details of the involved fantasy scene I've been nurturing in my head. I may eventually share the fantasy, but not at the early stages of exploration in dating.

Another way to go after this is to ask people what they HATE sexually and relationship-wise, where their hard limits are. It's the same casual question, as you gradually unveil yourselves to one another. And sometimes what a person hates is more informative than what they like. I usually ask both.

Another excellent way to handle the compatibility issue is to look for the BDSM community near you, and attend social activities and meet folks. You can pretty much be sure that the people who attend such events are at least open to considering your kinks.

(in reply to BiteGirl)

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RE: How do you find out? - 8/29/2007 5:38:22 PM

Aine

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The topic came up with my now fiance when we first got together a little over two years ago, he was pokin my butt cheeks with his finger and I said "You can smack them if you want" with a big ol shit eating grin on my face.

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Thank you, DelRay for that one.

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RE: How do you find out? - 8/29/2007 9:49:30 PM

michaels4evr

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Yes i've found those who have been completely turned off..but it never stopped me from being honest fairly early on that I am into S&m and D/s. I don't date vanilla, so I think I would be leading someone on if I didn't let them know what I'm into pretty much from jump. My interest is a significant part of my life, so I wouldn't treat it like a casual thing.

(in reply to Aine)

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RE: How do you find out? - 8/30/2007 12:06:09 AM

BiteGirl

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quote:

ORIGINAL: michaels4evr

Yes i've found those who have been completely turned off..but it never stopped me from being honest fairly early on that I am into S&m and D/s. I don't date vanilla, so I think I would be leading someone on if I didn't let them know what I'm into pretty much from jump. My interest is a significant part of my life, so I wouldn't treat it like a casual thing.

How would you teat it then? How do you bring it up?

(in reply to michaels4evr)

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RE: How do you find out? - 8/30/2007 12:08:26 AM

BiteGirl

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quote:

ORIGINAL: aparootsa

I kind of hint at things and see if she bites... so to speak. There are many many opportunities to say goofy, seemingly joking things (yes mistress/do I need to tie you up?/etc), and if you watch closely, facial expressions can tell all. Generally if you tease someone like that and they're kinky, they'll tease back, and the conversation can get more serious from there. It may be easier for me because of my personality (prone to teasing, easygoing, and people aren't usually entirely surprised I'm kink), but I think in general it's not very hard to bring up unless you're far in the closet.

LOL. I've found that a pretty safe way to bring things up, but at the same time, some people are non-responcive to everything on purpose, I think so you bring it up properly... so that's why i asked the question in the first place, to see if there was a "better way"

(in reply to aparootsa)

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RE: How do you find out? - 8/30/2007 12:10:22 AM

BiteGirl

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Drifa

quote:

ORIGINAL: BiteGirl

Hm.
So you'd say not make a big deal, just be like, "this is what I like".
Have you found anyone who compleatly turns off at the thought or is like "I dont want to hit a girl", takes a while to get use to it, etc?

I don't run into the "don't want to hit a girl" folks outside of actual martial arts... there I have encountered the attitude, to which my reply was, "Fine, up to you if you want to just stand there, but I will be hitting YOU!"

For me, BDSM is about sensation, not necessarily pain. If I'm all hot and bothered, a lot of things *aren't* actually painful, they just feel wonderful. There are times we explore more painful activities too, but that was not what we started with on the first date. And bondage and spankings are not the sum total of our sex life nor our marriage - just the very spicy garnish.

Yes, I suggest don't making a big deal of it. I just ask matter-of-factly what kinds of things please them, and in turn I'll divulge the things I like. But I start in general terms... "I'm a little kinky, I enjoy a good spanking or being tied up now and then" rather than turning over the details of the involved fantasy scene I've been nurturing in my head. I may eventually share the fantasy, but not at the early stages of exploration in dating.

Another way to go after this is to ask people what they HATE sexually and relationship-wise, where their hard limits are. It's the same casual question, as you gradually unveil yourselves to one another. And sometimes what a person hates is more informative than what they like. I usually ask both.

Another excellent way to handle the compatibility issue is to look for the BDSM community near you, and attend social activities and meet folks. You can pretty much be sure that the people who attend such events are at least open to considering your kinks.

How do you find these communities? I've heard of night clubs near me, and met kinky people independently, but have never of a social group, exept on Collar where people seem to talk about ones near them.

(in reply to Drifa)

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RE: How do you find out? - 8/30/2007 5:11:03 AM

Drifa

Posts: 547
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From: Rural Texas
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quote:

ORIGINAL: BiteGirl

How do you find these communities? I've heard of night clubs near me, and met kinky people independently, but have never of a social group, exept on Collar where people seem to talk about ones near them.

Just Googling for "Melbourne BDSM" got me these:

http://www.saintsandsinnersball.com/home.htm
http://www.ausbdsm.org/

The "Saints & Sinners" looks to have a newsletter and may well be a good entry point into finding other community activities. Also, are there shops in town taht sell fetish gear? They will often have bulletin boards or flyers posted for upcoming activities and local clubs.

(in reply to BiteGirl)

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RE: How do you find out? - 9/2/2007 6:52:26 PM

michaels4evr

Posts: 184
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I treat it like a significant part of my life. I say point blank "I like you alot, therefore I think there is something you should know about me before we go further." In the case of my Master/hubby, after saying this, I sent him to my personal webpages and bio at Vanilla-not.com and also asked him to download a radio program I had recently been on about the lifestyle. After reading it all, basically he said "where do I sign up!" He had been Dominant His whole life, but didn't have a name for it like most of us when we first start out. I'm glad I didn't rule Him out before disclosing about myself. I would have missed out on the love of my life and the Master of my dreams.

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RE: How do you find out? - 9/5/2007 1:03:24 PM

Tied2Texas

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Or simply ask someone that's listed in your area. Most folks are willing to offer suggestions or opinions of what they liked or found useful.

You've already made it over the initial hurdle and found the online community.

I don't suppose anyone that has a profile here is embarrassed to talk about it.

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RE: How do you find out? - 9/10/2007 1:52:23 PM

BlackWolfSwitch

Posts: 40
Joined: 4/4/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

The good part about dating is that nothing's serious and nothing's solid yet. This is when you're SUPPOSED to bring up the stuff you like.

I'd say fairly on in dating, over dinner, when you're considering sex, just casually bring it up.

Some do get turned off by it and don't want that- this is to be expected. This is good, it lets you know early on that you aren't compatible.

I would completely agree with this answer and would take the same approach.

_____________________________

"Command of the collar, or submission to wear it. It's your choice. My choice is to know what I like from both."

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

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RE: How do you find out? - 9/10/2007 5:39:43 PM

Mercurialdame

Posts: 66
Joined: 9/10/2007
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Hello fellow melbournite.

do the google on bdsm melbourne, and you will find various clubs you can attend.

alternatively, if you would like to pm me, ill send you a list of each of the clubs, and what i personally like about each of them. Our mileage will be different in that which we seek from them, there are also the Williamstown munches you could attend.

There are PLENTY of bdsm likeminded folk in Melbourne. No need to stay in at all.

Personally, how i ask, is really frankly, they may not be interested. And that's ok.
Saves me time in the long run. Trouble is, very few vanilla's will give up a opportunity for some kinky fun. So most will be interested and willing. You have to decide if they are compatable with your needs. For me, that's where experience comes in. For others, they like the newbie. Each to their own.

I like to check out how well a person can communicate such delicate matters. If they cannot verbalise their needs, im not sure i want to teach someone how to communicate! Happy to teach technique etc, but not the basics of how to communicate. Deary me, you'd be there forever wouldnt you!

Mecurialdame

(in reply to BlackWolfSwitch)

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RE: How do you find out? - 5/2/2008 4:19:57 AM

whoislikeMichael

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Joined: 4/16/2008
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A situation came up very recently were I allowed My collared sub to enjoy herself at a bar/poolhall. I allow My slave to flirt w/others on a casual level to feed her polyamorous spirit. After finding out that she got one particular guys' phone number without determining first or mentioning to him that she was in the lifestyle, I felt a breach of trust had occurred for the very same reason- that is, O/our tacit agreement was that she would not pursue another Vanilla relationship (in My lifetime, anyhow). My slave's rather lame argument was that even after several hours of being in the company of this man more time and conversations were needed before she felt comfortable in letting him know her sexual orientation was BDSM.

quote: "so I think I would be leading someone on if I didn't let them know what I'm into pretty much from jump" -m.

I don't consider "jump" to last several conversations over a period of time. I am considering further disciplining My slave for "edification" as I feel that specific behavior may have been a freedom taken-- not given by My slave/wife/best friend and such errant behavior may rear its ugly head in slightly different circumstances as she seemed reluctant and agitated when I took her post in this thread at face value.

Masters, slaves (if you're allowed to), Doms, subs-- please weigh in on My question: Is such behavior considered "bad" form or is it par for the course because no specific agreement had been made prior?

Thanks.

-Michael (who is like Me?)

< Message edited by whoislikeMichael -- 5/2/2008 4:24:55 AM >

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RE: How do you find out? - 5/2/2008 9:56:54 AM

FlamingRedhead

Posts: 451
Joined: 3/4/2007
From: Georgia
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I no longer date vanilla men because it's too much of a hassle. You bring it up. They say they're interested. Then, when you finally get down to business, they can't do it. It's "sick" and whatever other unpleasant adjective you can think of. I love the look on my friends' faces when they start telling me about some guy they want me to meet and I ask them whether or not he likes to tie girls up and spank them. They go blank and then say they don't know. I then ask them why they thought I'd like to meet him if they have no idea when they obviously know what I'm into. The problem with my friends is they think it's all fun and games, not a serious compatibility issue.

_____________________________

I'm so addicted to
All the things you do
When you're going down on me
In between the sheets
Or the sound you make
With every breath you take
It's unlike anything
When you're loving me

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