AAkasha
Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004 Status: offline
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When I hear some of the less kinky-focussed people describe what they seek in a dominant/submissive relationship, sometimes it just seems that they are ultimately seeking mutual, deep, true love and devotion - the same kind you find in a solid vanilla relationship. But somehow, the perception is that a dominant/submissive relationship *is* that dynamic of complete devotion -- despite the reality that ANY relationship based on devotion is that way because of the feelings the two people have for each other - not because you slap a label on it that says dominant/submissive. A submissive will not be completely devoted to a dominant without the foundation of a mutually satisfying relationship. There is no instant devotion. A dominant will not make a submissive feel owned, cherished, taken care of, protected, and complete until there is a foundation of a mutually satisfying relationship. It's really just putting the cart before the horse when a person or couple believe that in order to feel that level of connection, they must find a D/s dynamic. More dangerous is when a person attributes that level of devotion out of the gate instead of going through the natural steps of relationship and trust building. ie, a couple just meet and because they have the label dominant/submissive, the submissive feels the instant glow of, "I am cherished! I am desired! I am complete now! I have found my special place, I am now OWNED!" -- when, in reality, they are going to be dumped in two days. I see femdoms guilty of this as well. I wonder if some of them are women who were sick of being mistreated (cheated on, ignored, dumped) in vanilla relationships, so they perceive femdom relationships as one where the submissive, by his role, is devoted, will cherish her properly, will honor her, etc. - when in reality, a submissive guy is just as likely to cheat, lie, flake or lose interest in her as a vanilla man. What creates devotion, trust, and the desire to cherish is the intimate bond that happens between two people over a period of time, and it must be mutual -- and, sadly, it is based on chemistry, not defined roles. It cannot be forced. There's nothing wrong with roleplaying the concept of deep devotion and undying love; but to believe you can attribute it to a relationship based on role to me seems ridiculous and a recipe for heartache. I am absolutely all for no-strings, lust-filled, in-your-face kinky exchanges between relative strangers (and those can be hot) within the boundaries of BDSM activities between two adults -- but things like "complete devotion" don't just happen out of the gate, and if anything, are harder to find in kinky circles than in vanilla ones. Do you think many people look to the fantasy world of dominance/submission as a fast track to devotion? Akasha
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