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All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Mistress >> Okay, here's a new one on me for why I'm not "worthy"

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Okay, here's a new one on me for why I'm not "wort... - 6/27/2004 10:21:34 AM

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Joined: 3/23/2004
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I was communicating with a female dominant through email. She had contacted me, so I wasn't trolling anyone or anything.

We communicated for several days, and we were asking all sorts of personal questions of each other, but nothing really all that intimate (her questions were a lot more personal and intimate than mine as I try not to go overboard looking like some horny net geek). At one point, she wrote me, bluntly, that she didn't think we were compatible because she didn't think I was real or serious. I asked why, and she said something along the lines of "a real submissive would have asked me for a picture by now." And then she cut off further communication.

Okay, this is a first for me, but am I supposed to turn into something I'm trying to avoid in order to be taken seriously? I mean, it didn't matter whether or not the relationship went anywhere, but we were having such friendly conversations, and it seemed strange to be cut off because I wasn't going out of my way to get pictures.

I wouldn't have thought much about it, but in a few other conversations, I've had women tell me that even though their pictures show how attractive they are, they are looking for someone who isn't intersted in them based only on their looks. This has come from women I've never seen before, have no idea what they look like, and never even hinted about looks in any way, shape or form. I'm wondering if maybe there's some strange picture archive somewhere that they expect most submissive guys to know about, and that I'm automatically assumed to have perused that archive before ever communicating with them BEFORE they contacted me the first time.

It's just kind of strange. I'm wondering if maybe I should just learn to become a HNG because it seems to be expected of me anyway.

_____________________________

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day...
...teach a man to fish, he steals your fishing hole and then charges you for the fish.

RE: Okay, here's a new one on me for why I'm not "... - 6/27/2004 10:33:45 AM

TallDarkAndWitty

Posts: 1893
Joined: 6/12/2004
From: Rochester, NY
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Hmmm...sometimes you just can't win. I have found that those who end a seemingly good negotiation with seeming poor excuses probably weren't right for me anyway.

When 90% of compatibility points meet, we all tend to overlook the remaining 10%. Yet, when the meeting points are somewhere between 10% and 50%, sometimes all you get to hear is the one most recent in the other person's mind.

Don't sweat it. I talk to submissive for days with out asking for a picture, if the conversation is good and I am captivated by their words. At other times, the conversation slows and I ask for one almost immediately, hoping a purely physical attraction can see me through a bit more effort on my part.

If it's right, asking for (or not asking for) a picture is just not going to make a difference. If it isn't right, even if you guess the picture part right, it still won't work.

Yours,
Taggard

_____________________________

A most rewarding compliment is an insult from the ill-informed.

My slave: Kat (RainaVerene on the other side) and her website: RainaVerene.com

(in reply to sarbonn)

RE: Okay, here's a new one on me for why I'm not "... - 6/27/2004 10:53:13 AM

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Your experience is surprising for me as i've always experienced the opposite. Any Domme i contact or contacts me first that doesn't have a picture in their profile and we end up conversing for a while, usually asks for mine first. After sending mine and politely requesting one in return, they often either tell me they don't have a recent picture or ignore the request. Those that do send one, often send a picture from the neck up...making me wonder if they feel they have something to hide.

All that aside, i've come to see the truth in what many have told me that it may be better to try and meet someone through offline resources. It's obvious that using the Internet to contact potential partners brings with it a stumbling block regarding one's appearance as it puts the cart before the horse when a profile doesn't have a photo.

Normally, we see a person before we ever utter a word to them but online it's the opposite. Many will espouse that it's the person inside that really matters and this is true...but it's also brutally honest that most people are conditioned to evaluate a person's looks first because we grew up "out there" not here on the Internet. i personally feel profiles should require a full length, clothed, photo. There's no argument that it compromises a person's privacy because the face can be blurred or the person can be looking away.

If the goal is to meet in person, we will see each other anyway so why delay the inevitable (academic question).

anthrosub

_____________________________

"It is easier to fool people than it is to convince them they have been fooled." - Mark Twain

"I am not young enough to know everything." - Oscar Wilde

(in reply to sarbonn)

RE: Okay, here's a new one on me for why I'm not "... - 6/27/2004 11:10:49 AM

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Joined: 6/26/2004
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It was for her to give you or send you a picture, had she found it necessary. she was to have her option and then use it according to what she might like. you acted correctly under my point of view. has she asked for your picture? and .... what about her looks, did you tell her that you wanted to know how she was physically speaking? that she could write down how she looks like? i think she acted in a very narcissistic way and perhpas she wanted other ways of having your worship. but franky speaking, you acted (to my opinion) in a right way.

(in reply to anthrosub)

RE: Okay, here's a new one on me for why I'm not "... - 6/27/2004 11:23:26 AM

perverseangelic

Posts: 2625
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From: Davis, Ca
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quote:

ORIGINAL: anthrosub

Those that do send one, often send a picture from the neck up...making me wonder if they feel they have something to hide.
anthrosub

I'm curious, why does this mean he/she has something to hide? Those are the pictures I prefer as you can see what the person looks like...

(in reply to anthrosub)

RE: Okay, here's a new one on me for why I'm not "... - 6/27/2004 12:18:49 PM

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quote:

what about her looks, did you tell her that you wanted to know how she was physically speaking? that she could write down how she looks like?

I never asked. I was trying to be polite, and we were only in the communication stage anyway. I wasn't under the impression we were going to link up unless it was something that interested her.

It was kind of strange. But what isn't these days?

_____________________________

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day...
...teach a man to fish, he steals your fishing hole and then charges you for the fish.

(in reply to sarbonn)

RE: Okay, here's a new one on me for why I'm not "... - 6/27/2004 12:38:08 PM

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quote:

Original: perverseangelic

I'm curious, why does this mean he/she has something to hide? Those are the pictures I prefer as you can see what the person looks like...

i didn't say it means he/she has something to hide...i said it makes me feel there's something to hide...a qualitative difference. i think you will find when reading posts from users that what is said can often be interpreted differently. i get this all the time but it's goes with communicating through the written word.

i try very hard to qualify what i say by using words such as "usually," "sometimes," and "often" but i think it gets lost in translation so to speak. i've tried on other boards to raise this liability of written communication with mixed results. In any case, there's always the the problem of what's "said" and what's "heard" (figuratively speaking).

anthrosub

_____________________________

"It is easier to fool people than it is to convince them they have been fooled." - Mark Twain

"I am not young enough to know everything." - Oscar Wilde

(in reply to sarbonn)

RE: Okay, here's a new one on me for why I'm not "... - 6/27/2004 4:29:33 PM

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One thing about being into chastity I hate to explain is it doesn't matter what she looks like. After a few weeks of denial "Zontar, Thing from Venus" looks good if it holds my key.

That's usually followed by "No, you don't look like Zontar, Thing from Venus."

Hey, baby I don't care if you put "ug" in "ugly" is not a great pickup line.

Besides what the hell does a picture prove anyway ladies. Hell you want "proof" that I'm really Prince William?

(Don't get me wrong. I'll look at the picture.

)

The whole picture question is one of those no win situations where you may be right 50% of the time and an inconsiderate ass the other 50% of the time. You guessed wrong once. Doing the same thing next time might be the right answer. (Or it could be the wrong answer. If you toss a coin and it lands on tails 100 times in a row it has a 50-50 chance of being heads on the next toss.

)

_____________________________

When the Lady smiles i can't resist her call. As a matter of fact, i don't resist at all. Well that depends if it is a smile or a grimmace.

(in reply to sarbonn)

RE: Okay, here's a new one on me for why I'm not "... - 6/27/2004 7:05:26 PM

perverseangelic

Posts: 2625
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From: Davis, Ca
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quote:

ORIGINAL: anthrosub
i didn't say it means he/she has something to hide...i said it makes me feel there's something to hide...a qualitative difference. [/color]

got it :) sorry for the misreading. But I'm still curious. Why does it make you feel they have something to hide?

Honest curiosity here, unable to convey tone through text.

(in reply to anthrosub)

RE: Okay, here's a new one on me for why I'm not "... - 6/27/2004 7:15:03 PM

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From: Scotland/Tennessee
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Lawdy Lawdy, Miss Claudie, My but you do look fine!

It doesn't matter what anyone looks like, there is someone for everyone. There are males who prefer BBW, or tall nordic blonde Mistresses, brunettes, or as in the case of our own iwillserveu, redheads. lol I am a tall, slender, very well put together Scottish (natural) redhead. However, when the time comes (and I decide that), to send a photo of myself to a submissive that I am communicating with, it is generally of the upper torso (clothed), so they will have a reference of what I look like. It is a recent photo. I have never felt a need, or given any thought to sending a full body (clothed or otherwise) photo, in pose. lol And certainly not because I have anything to hide. I don't believe I do. Not anything negative, certainly. In addition to that, I have never felt offended because a submissive didn't ask for a photo of me. Methinks she may have done you a favor by ending the communications, duane.

_____________________________

Lady Beckett

_______________________________________________

"Submissive boys yearn to fall into their proper place, so the rest of their life will." ~ Lady Beckett

(in reply to iwillserveu)

RE: Okay, here's a new one on me for why I'm not "... - 6/27/2004 7:36:12 PM

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Joined: 2/6/2004
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I read every post on this question. Only once did I see a slight reference to my own concern. Many of us work in professions that would frown to the point of losing our positions if our lifestyle preference was known. I do not require a male to send me a picture, nor do I send them. My profile is accurate, complete with ht, wt, and age. When, IF I meet them then with the entire package is there, we can both decide if it is what we want. Having conversed through PM's, emails, and phone calls, we should be relaxed enough to look at the person, not just the wrapper. I can't remember who said it on another post, but a beautiful, well built person uglies up really quickly when they open their mouth and spout predjudice or needy statements. As to personal hygeine, cleanliness is emperitive all other physical problems can be handled in time, if its the person I want. Sundew

_____________________________

~~~~~Enjoy the ride, the landing could get painful~~~~

(in reply to sarbonn)

RE: Okay, here's a new one on me for why I'm not "... - 6/27/2004 8:06:54 PM

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perverseangelic...

No worries. Regarding a photo of more than just above the neck, i guess it's because when i ask to see how someone looks, i assume they understand i'm asking for a picture of all (or most) of them. After all, we are not just "heads" floating around in real life, so why not a more complete picture in lieu of being able to meet in person? It would be different if they said that's all they had...but consider this...recently i received an above the neck picture from someone and when i pressed further, i was told it was the only picture available and 6 years old!

anthrosub

_____________________________

"It is easier to fool people than it is to convince them they have been fooled." - Mark Twain

"I am not young enough to know everything." - Oscar Wilde

(in reply to LadyBeckett)

RE: Okay, here's a new one on me for why I'm not "... - 6/28/2004 9:33:20 AM

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Joined: 6/10/2004
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Sarbonn:

Don't look -- how does the phrase go? You won. When we write, the writing is only clear to us; the reader interprets. Obviously she had an agenda you did not pick up.

My Lifestyle demands, according to me, my not to sending pictures via email, hence, am truthful, in my own manner, of my looks. Qualifiers, qualifiers.

If after emails, IMs and phone conversations, the sub has endured -- and if I have endured too -- we meet, that is, if they show up. The most calculated reason I've received was a curt email saying "This situation is not right for me." This came after a month's quasi-daily contact and out of the blue.

It's difficult being kinky wanting another kinky person around. Hell, red flags are red flags are red flags.

I'm curious, how many of you have actually met the person you have corresponded with?
My rate is 40%.

Ma'am

Blueberries are in season -- let's all turn blue. anon.

(in reply to anthrosub)

RE: Okay, here's a new one on me for why I'm not "... - 6/28/2004 9:49:14 AM

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anthrosub,

I like the way the color of your posting matches the color of your shirt. Earthy!

January

(in reply to anthrosub)

RE: Okay, here's a new one on me for why I'm not "... - 6/28/2004 10:03:35 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: sarbonn
I'm wondering if maybe I should just learn to become a HNG because it seems to be expected of me anyway.

No. Why should one failed interaction make you change your approach?

After reading your posts, sarbonn, I'm getting a flavor of impatience from you. Although the impatience is partially masked by your literate musings, IMO, it's still there. Let me tell you why it bothers me.

Your search is likely to be a long one. If you're already annoyed, you'll suffer even more. You may indeed have "bdsm credentials": years of experience, training famous dommes etc... But, unlike a Ph. D., credentials don't count nearly as much as the "connection".

I think you know that. You spent years hanging out with dommes before someone owned you. I understand you're now ready to embark on the bdsm road again after a long absence, and you feel you've already paid your dues. But it doesn't work that way. You ARE starting over, and as soon as you relax and accept that, your search will be much, much easier.

Just a thought, (and best wishes),

January

_____________________________

[link: http://www.bookstrand.com/miss-you-sir] Miss You, Sir by January Rowe is available from Siren now! It's my latest smokin' hot bdsm romance.[/link]

(in reply to sarbonn)

RE: Okay, here's a new one on me for why I'm not "... - 6/28/2004 10:47:10 AM

TallDarkAndWitty

Posts: 1893
Joined: 6/12/2004
From: Rochester, NY
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quote:

ORIGINAL: italianalala
I'm curious, how many of you have actually met the person you have corresponded with?
My rate is 40%.

40%??? Holy cow. How long a correspondance are we talking? More than five emails? Talked on the phone? Even using that criteria, I am still more like 1% I think I'd have to send away to NASA if I wanted to figure out my percentage for one email exchanges....

Yours,
Taggard

_____________________________

A most rewarding compliment is an insult from the ill-informed.

My slave: Kat (RainaVerene on the other side) and her website: RainaVerene.com

(in reply to italianalala)

RE: Okay, here's a new one on me for why I'm not "... - 6/28/2004 3:06:03 PM

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i don't know if i can realistically give a percentage that means anything because most of the people i've corresponded with have been too far away to meet for a cup of coffee and see if we connect. But of the few that were close enough, i'd say 40% (4 out of 10 over a two year period). Of these, i ended up serving one part-time for almost a year but She was married to a Dom husband so i asked to be released because it was getting too frustrating.

i do correspond or talk on the phone with a Domme in NY every day and have been for nearly two years but She discovered a serious heart condition, so She's withdrawn from being active or pursuing a long term relationship. i think it's also important to note that after a while, the population of people in an area (at least in this area) seems to have reached a plateau. It's not like new lifestyle Dommes are appearing here in DC on a regular basis if that makes sense.

anthrosub

_____________________________

"It is easier to fool people than it is to convince them they have been fooled." - Mark Twain

"I am not young enough to know everything." - Oscar Wilde

(in reply to TallDarkAndWitty)

RE: Okay, here's a new one on me for why I'm not "... - 6/28/2004 6:00:08 PM

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Sundew02,

Do you find surprising them works well?

I agree with you, but if they want a picture...

_____________________________

When the Lady smiles i can't resist her call. As a matter of fact, i don't resist at all. Well that depends if it is a smile or a grimmace.

(in reply to Sundew02)

RE: Okay, here's a new one on me for why I'm not "... - 6/28/2004 6:08:46 PM

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quote:

I'm curious, how many of you have actually met the person you have corresponded with?
My rate is 40%.

Of people I started talking to *just to chat*, I've met about 60% in time. People I met looking to meet people would be about 90%. I don't count people I have never spoken to one on one or who write me off the board to act like idiots, as I never had any intention of meeting them anyway,,,

_____________________________

Sandy

Don't take life too seriously, no one gets out alive anyway...

(in reply to italianalala)

RE: Okay, here's a new one on me for why I'm not "... - 6/28/2004 6:10:11 PM

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40%? Girlfriend you are fishing in the wrong spot!

Conting mis communications, etc. as failures but not counting not meeting Lady Beckett, I'm at 66% counting pros and distaters of newbiehood.

Of course it is different for male subs. The Domme usually shows up. Getting them to reply in the first place is where the battle is. (Of ten that didn't show up one who would did not get a reply because you were busy and he gave up. Find a way to find that one and the other ten start adopting that.)

Sorry, I'm rambling.

_____________________________

When the Lady smiles i can't resist her call. As a matter of fact, i don't resist at all. Well that depends if it is a smile or a grimmace.

(in reply to italianalala)

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