RE: Difficulty finding a Dom? (Full Version)

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xoxi -> RE: Difficulty finding a Dom? (10/1/2007 11:46:27 PM)

LOL

DBG....beauty is seriously in the eye of the beholder.  I know plenty of very hot guys who honestly *prefer* a woman to be 10-20 lbs overweight, size 10 or so.  Especially if they either like large breasts or grabbable butts [;)]

I just think it's cool when people define beauty for themselves, whether or not it agrees with the standard cultural depiction.  I would rather be judged by whether or not I can seduce a man when we're in bed than by how impressive I will be at a company dinner.  As far as the latter goes I think manners and decorum should matter far more than looks.



xoxi -> RE: Difficulty finding a Dom? (10/1/2007 11:49:15 PM)

Also this isn't quite relevant but one thing I noticed on the other side...

When you search you can filter by minimum height and maximum weight, but not by maximum height or minimum weight.  I always assumed the minimum height was for the girls (who prefer men to be tall) and the maximum weight was for the guys (who prefer women to be thin) so I guess that 'double standard' is ingrained a bit.



obis -> RE: Difficulty finding a Dom? (10/1/2007 11:49:29 PM)

Wait, 34 is "older"?



Stephann -> RE: Difficulty finding a Dom? (10/1/2007 11:55:58 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: xoxi

hahahahaa

I don't have them when I sit up but I do when I lie down.  But if he's on top and his ribs are STILL poking out despite the wonders of gravity...well we have a problem there.

There is just something I love about a man with broad shoulders who can pin me to a bed simply by laying on top of me. I need that sense of physical helplessness...it turns me on so much!



You just haven't seen how we can use those ribs as weapons to inflict greater misery [;)]

Having said that, physicality is one of several points.  I don't mind if a girl is physically larger than I am, but I do mind if she isn't 'height/weight' proportionate.  I simply don't find obese women attractive. 

I DO find brilliant, somewhat overweight women attractive; but make it clear that I would expect a healthy diet and exercise regimine to come into place into dynamic (at a time where I felt the topic should be addressed; invariably, it is the submissive who brings the issue up about how frustrated she is with her weight.)  It's like a pack a day smoker; I have a minimum bar that must be met, just as I expect they do.  Just because I meet their bar, doesn't mean they mean mine.  I'm not an Equal Opportunity Dater; folks are welcome to take my issues up with their local congressman if they feel that should be changed.

(Though, frankly, you're drop dead hot to me shoshi.)

Defiant Bad Girl,

This will come off as harsh; rest assured it's not intended to.  I've never seen you; but your lack of self-confidence is probably the most unsexy thing about you.  Address THAT flaw, first and foremost, and you'll be miles ahead of where you are now.  The rest (weight, appearence, whatever) can be dealt with in due course.

Regards,

Stephan



xoxi -> RE: Difficulty finding a Dom? (10/2/2007 12:00:36 AM)

omg you are really making me blush [sm=flowers.gif]

Hehe I find you drop dead hot too mister - and at least you're taller than I am [;)]  Chain me to an elliptical for a few weeks and we might have that weight issue fixed too!

Though to be fair I don't consider myself obese.  Overweight, definitely.  Size 12 if I'm lucky and 14 if I'm not [;)]  Then again I'm 5'8 barefoot and have a solid rib cage and shoulders and all...I have a feeling even if I starved myself to 98 lbs I still wouldn't fit into a size 2.



Honsoku -> RE: Difficulty finding a Dom? (10/2/2007 12:01:13 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: breatheasone

Do you not know that its been this way since the beginning of time?.....its ok for men to be bald, fat, and whatever...but women have to be skinny and big busted. The thing I love the MOST is when I see on a fat guys profile that he is not into BBW...ROFLMAO....



The level of weight considered "attractive" has been in considerable flux since the beginning of time. Women did not always have to be skinny to be considered attractive by the social standards of the day. It is only since food has become dirt cheap that thinness really became the standard for attractiveness. Before then, being chubby to fat was a sign of good nourishment and higher social standing, because maintaining weight wasn't cheap. The social pressure on men to be in shape has been increasing as well. Just about the only males that will be portrayed as fat these days are either outcasts/evil or married men.

quote:

ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

Have you ever been to college domiguy? What was your gpa? Mine is a 3.87



Unfortunately an education does not mean someone is interesting (if only it was that easy). I have met people with phenomenal GPAs that were incredibly uninteresting to talk to, yet have also met people who never graduated high school that were very intellectually stimulating.

Honsoku



Stephann -> RE: Difficulty finding a Dom? (10/2/2007 12:26:26 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: xoxi

omg you are really making me blush [sm=flowers.gif]

Hehe I find you drop dead hot too mister - and at least you're taller than I am [;)]  Chain me to an elliptical for a few weeks and we might have that weight issue fixed too!

Though to be fair I don't consider myself obese.  Overweight, definitely.  Size 12 if I'm lucky and 14 if I'm not [;)]  Then again I'm 5'8 barefoot and have a solid rib cage and shoulders and all...I have a feeling even if I starved myself to 98 lbs I still wouldn't fit into a size 2.



See, that's the thing here; you're not supposed to be a size 2.  From what you have available for the public viewing pleasure, I wouldn't consider you to be overweight.  You're a beautiful woman, period.

The 'fat girl' issue is rooted in a very different type of self-hate complex, and ranks up there with the sub vs slave issue in terms of it's reoccurance here on CM.

Why not just consider yourself to be a woman, with a woman's body? 

As for the topic at hand; that approach would go a long way towards breaking some of the cycles of self-loathing that can  perpetuate obesity.  People, externally, will always 'hate on' obese people.  It's up to the obese person to decide they will make positive changes, to change that external perception.  The first step comes from within, in believing they are worth it.

I have charlotte next to me, who has a little experience here; she lost about 25 lbs last year (at 5'5", it's no small amount.)  Tomorrow, I'll have her post a few thoughts, she's still a little floaty from earlier.

xoxoxox

Stephan



breatheasone -> RE: Difficulty finding a Dom? (10/2/2007 12:32:32 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: obis

Wait, 34 is "older"?

If it is HOLY CRAP I'm in trouble....[:D]



PsychoticWolf -> RE: Difficulty finding a Dom? (10/2/2007 12:36:15 AM)

Lol you peeked at my pic? Oh no. :P
And no, it's not about being nice, it's about being honest. I get along better with people who have more plush to them. I don't walk down the street with stick figures, hand in hand. Just don't do well there.



defiantbadgirl -> RE: Difficulty finding a Dom? (10/2/2007 12:42:54 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Stephann

Defiant Bad Girl,

This will come off as harsh; rest assured it's not intended to.  I've never seen you; but your lack of self-confidence is probably the most unsexy thing about you.  Address THAT flaw, first and foremost, and you'll be miles ahead of where you are now.  The rest (weight, appearence, whatever) can be dealt with in due course.

Regards,

Stephan


 
Thanks for the advice. It didn't come off as harsh at all. Actually, my weight can't be dealt with at all without expensive surgery. It stems from extremely stretched skin caused by excessive amniotic fluid during pregnancy.  As for self confidence, I have much more now than I did when I was in great shape and ran over a mile a day.  I used to be obsessed with my appearance. I wouldn't walk out the door unless my makeup was perfect and every hair was in place (it wasn't unusual for me to spend 2 hours a day styling my hair). Now I'm proud to be unique and want to be accepted for who I am. I do see many threads posted on here by subs with serious self esteem issues. I hoped the thread about older bbw subs would get all the positive responses the thread about older bbw dommes did because I thought it would give subs with low self esteems a boost.



sambamanslilgirl -> RE: Difficulty finding a Dom? (10/2/2007 2:42:57 AM)

had no difficulty finding Daddy and SO however i had to weed through the nasty jerks who didn't meet my requirements. 

now that i'm not available, it seems the jerks realized that i was what they're looking for ...well sorry, charlie, you're too late and a dollar short because this bbw submissive is quite happy with her two Doms.



Maya2001 -> RE: Difficulty finding a Dom? (10/2/2007 2:58:21 AM)

Hmmm,  I am 48 now , I do not have the big barbie doll boobs and of course what I do have with  age they are heading south, I no longer have the 27 inch waistline that I once had, but I still make an effort to keep myself in semi good shape. and accept myself for who I am,  I am not even actively searching  because I am requiring a hysterectomy  in the near future and likely will not be recovered until February, but I am still recieveing several new emails each day , as well as have several from doms that are checking back with me to see how I am doing almost daily as well as those hoping that once I recover that I may consider them, even  several who have offered their help and assistance while I recover from surgery  should I need.    The majority that contact me are actually younger than me, including 20 year olds,  though my preference is those closer to my own age.   Currently in my inbox I have 23 pages of emails from doms  not including ones I previous deleted and maybe have been on the site  a month and a half,  one of  things I have heard over and over from doms  is that often they emails and never get a response or as rudely responded to ,  and even though I may have told that I do not feel we are compatible they will than me for polite response  that I have shown, mind you I may not respond to every email all the time or sometimes I get backlogged and will respond back a few days later, but I try to respond with the respect I would like to be shown .  Some willl start out out by just saying hi or nice picture and I will respond with  a hi back or thank them for the compliment , often which results in another short reply  it  may take  3 or 4 emails for a conversation to begin not all doms are going to write wordy flowery emails, some are the strong silent types, don't ignore the short couple words emails, believe me there are a lot of doms out there looking for subs of their age and older, many want a sub that they can grow older comfortably with who shares  similiar interests  that they can relate to 



sammiebabygirl -> RE: Difficulty finding a Dom? (10/2/2007 4:19:07 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: breatheasone


Now exactly how big do you like the burl?....[;)]



Let's suffice it to say that if your Master were available...yummmm!!! [:)]
 
jen




hisannabelle -> RE: Difficulty finding a Dom? (10/2/2007 4:39:15 AM)

greetings dbg,

i'm guessing the topic here is whether or not such a double standard indeed makes it more difficult to find a dom...to which i would reply that it doesn't make it more difficult, it just makes it easier to weed out the ones i am not compatible with (by virtue of the fact that i do not wish for my body's adherence to some arbitrary physical standard to be one of the main factors upon which the relationship is contingent). so in effect it makes it easier for me, personally...because i know up front that that is not the kind of crap i want to be dealing with. :)

with regards to the double standard as it functions in bdsm relationships, and what might be the cause of it, i posted a lengthy novel in your other thread. i'm not sure why we need to be discussing that in two places.

respectfully,
annabelle.



Aileen68 -> RE: Difficulty finding a Dom? (10/2/2007 5:02:15 AM)

dbg...there is so much to be said about confidence and the vibes that it sends off.  Just this thread shows that you have none in yourself.  Others will pick up on that.  If you aren't happy with yourself then change.   Change the way you think.  Change the way you look.  Change the way your see yourself.  Think of how you want to be and then do it.



Bobkgin -> RE: Difficulty finding a Dom? (10/2/2007 5:23:43 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

To unattached subs out there with not so perfect bodies, you're facing a definite double standard. There's a thread in Ask a Mistress about male subs desiring older bbw dommes that generated many positive responses (4 pages). I started a thread in Ask a Master about Doms desiring older bbw subs and there was only 1 response in 4 hours. I was wondering if any bbw subs out there ever considered becoming switches and ordering male subs to dominate them?


As you can see from the highlights, there is no "double-standard". You are talking to different groups about their desires.

As I've always fought a weight problem (currently 199 down from 277) I've never discriminated against bbws (my wife was 300 when we met).

That being said: weight is a problem for several reasons:

- health (high blood pressure and risk of Type II Diabetes, not to mention the wear and tear on load-carrying joints like ankles, knees and hips.
- bdsm-related activities (weight affects physical flexibility, and influences decisions regarding what can be done safely - suspension is out of the question for some).

I am patient and willing to help a bbw slave achieve a preferable weight. I doubt most d/ms are as patient (the thread you've mentioned lends credence to this belief).

As for "older", my search parameters cut off at 55, five years my senior. While I'd consider older, those I've seen talk of involvement in their local "bdsm community" which, due to my lack of respect for said 'communities', does not sound like a good fit with me.

Not to say there are no double-standards (this -is- a bdsm 'community', after all), just that I do not subscribe to them.



HisSongstress -> RE: Difficulty finding a Dom? (10/2/2007 5:25:07 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen68
...there is so much to be said about confidence and the vibes that it sends off. ..... Others will pick up on that.  If you aren't happy with yourself then change.   Change the way you think.  Change the way you look.  Change the way your see yourself.  Think of how you want to be and then do it.

YES!!!!

dbg, When I saw this thread and the others, I assumed that you must be in your 50s or 60s at least. At 46, I am NOT an older sub. I am curvy, but I hate the term bbw...not all fat girls are beautiful.

I LIVED as a fat ugly stupid, yet too smart, girl until about 2 years ago. Then I started to get beautiful from the inside out.  The more I saw my beauty and my value, the more I revealed it to others. The more others saw it, the more confident I became to show more of it. I am not just talking about weight.... my face actually became more lovely... it was an amazing transformation..... BUT I HAD TO SEE IT.  My body is far from perfect. I look pretty good in clothes. But when I am naked......, thankfully, my spirit is what others see. My Doms love my body, they are teaching me to do the same. My challenge now is to learn how to nicely say "no" to new interests.  I am such a lucky girl.

best!

song



Bobkgin -> RE: Difficulty finding a Dom? (10/2/2007 5:34:07 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

I do see many threads posted on here by subs with serious self esteem issues. I hoped the thread about older bbw subs would get all the positive responses the thread about older bbw dommes did because I thought it would give subs with low self esteems a boost.


I would suggest you distinguish between ego-driven relationships and love-driven relationships.

Ego-driven relationships focus more on the superficialities (beauty, weight, etc) whereas love-driven relationships run deeper and focus more on who we are as people than what we look like.

Through most of my interview process I do not ask a woman what she looks like. It isn't really relevant to me until (and if) it is time to meet, then I'd like to know so I can recognize the individual when we meet.

My interview process goes to who you are, not what you look like.



SubtleDifference -> RE: Difficulty finding a Dom? (10/2/2007 6:04:20 AM)

Being a tall, large, big, fat, fluffy (or whatever you want to call me) submissive has not made it difficult to find someone. I could not nor would not change who I am as a submissive because some men might think I'm too large to be one.

I have found that many men have preferences for smaller women both in height and weight, but do not limit themselves to that preference if the chemistry is right.

We all have our preferences, it is human nature. There is nothing to be insulted by if some people do not find you to their tastes. Changing your identity for purposes of getting more attention seems to defeat the purpose of finding what you want.

Accept yourself, change the things you don't like, keep the things you love...and allow someone to get to know you for who you are in the package you come in.

If it works, great. If not, move on.

Elena



DocRudy -> RE: Difficulty finding a Dom? (10/2/2007 6:08:06 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen68

dbg...there is so much to be said about confidence and the vibes that it sends off.  Just this thread shows that you have none in yourself.  Others will pick up on that.  If you aren't happy with yourself then change.   Change the way you think.  Change the way you look.  Change the way your see yourself.  Think of how you want to be and then do it.


Bingo.

Goes straight back to some comments myself and others made in the Naked thread. Attitude is everything.

-DR



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