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RE: Bait and Switch? Kinky dating, but after marriage -... - 10/4/2007 2:04:03 PM

Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: spanklette

Actually, I was guilty of this...and still am to some extent, although it's not about the D/s...it's about the sex.

Around Christmas last year I had a panic attack that scared me right back on my meds. I've juggled medications trying to find my libido again, but all of my medical options have sexual side-effects...I just wish one of them would fire my libido up! Daddy and I go to the same doctor and sometimes visit him together trying to solve this conundrum. It's really frustrating, honestly.

Daddy and I have talked about it and I am trying to decide what to do...whether to stay on my meds or not. He wants me to stay on them, but I feel guilty that my sex drive has changed so dramatically.

I just thought I'd say something from the other-side of the equation...sometimes it really is about situational changes.

PS. I'm not looking for advice on this issue, we've made decisions together with our doctor as far as this is concerned...I was merely offering up a point of view from the other side.

I think though the difference in your situation is both of you recognize the issue and are mutually working together to find a good solution which is awesome.

Most posting on the thread got basically well that is just how it is going to be I do not care about your needs behavior. In my personal experience the betrayal was not what happen but the lack of reaction or caring how things did change.

Still great to hear another side that is positive.

_____________________________

I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned." - H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama

(in reply to spanklette)

RE: Bait and Switch? Kinky dating, but after marriage -... - 10/4/2007 2:25:05 PM

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: spanklette

Actually, I was guilty of this...and still am to some extent, although it's not about the D/s...it's about the sex.

Around Christmas last year I had a panic attack that scared me right back on my meds. I've juggled medications trying to find my libido again, but all of my medical options have sexual side-effects...I just wish one of them would fire my libido up! Daddy and I go to the same doctor and sometimes visit him together trying to solve this conundrum. It's really frustrating, honestly.

Daddy and I have talked about it and I am trying to decide what to do...whether to stay on my meds or not. He wants me to stay on them, but I feel guilty that my sex drive has changed so dramatically.

I just thought I'd say something from the other-side of the equation...sometimes it really is about situational changes.

PS. I'm not looking for advice on this issue, we've made decisions together with our doctor as far as this is concerned...I was merely offering up a point of view from the other side.

You know what the big difference is between your situation and what the OP asked about and what many have shared?

Honesty and working together.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to spanklette)

RE: Bait and Switch? Kinky dating, but after marriage -... - 10/4/2007 2:42:57 PM

Posts: 882
Joined: 2/22/2005
Status: offline

I can see all of the things that were done right in our situation, but in all honesty, most of it was on Daddy's part. In this part of our relationship, He has most of the effort. He has made the effort to understand the circumstances, the ability to go with the flow when my libido is lacking, and putting in the time with our doctor to work with my problem (which He has made Our problem ).

In other things, I have made concessions, but this seems so huge to me...and I'm really grateful for His patience...not only with the problem itself, but with the guilt I feel about it. It must be hard for a Dominant to accept those things within His submissive that are completely out of His control.

I suppose I am wondering what is so different about a "bait and switch" and a situation where the Dominant is unwilling to work with the issue at hand?

This isn't a blame thing, just an appreciation for all that Daddy has done to make a solution possible without making it a "bait and switch" situation. I see that neither of us is cheating, or lying, but the end result was the same...the sex and kink was brought to a screeching halt for a while.

We entered in the relationship one way, and the situation changed...just a thought.

_____________________________

~spanklette~

"The important thing is this: to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become. " Charles du Bois

"Please don't shout, can't you see I'm not listening." Billie Myers

(in reply to thetammyjo)

RE: Bait and Switch? Kinky dating, but after marriage -... - 10/4/2007 5:18:58 PM

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: spanklette

I can see all of the things that were done right in our situation, but in all honesty, most of it was on Daddy's part. In this part of our relationship, He has most of the effort. He has made the effort to understand the circumstances, the ability to go with the flow when my libido is lacking, and putting in the time with our doctor to work with my problem (which He has made Our problem ).

In other things, I have made concessions, but this seems so huge to me...and I'm really grateful for His patience...not only with the problem itself, but with the guilt I feel about it. It must be hard for a Dominant to accept those things within His submissive that are completely out of His control.

I suppose I am wondering what is so different about a "bait and switch" and a situation where the Dominant is unwilling to work with the issue at hand?

This isn't a blame thing, just an appreciation for all that Daddy has done to make a solution possible without making it a "bait and switch" situation. I see that neither of us is cheating, or lying, but the end result was the same...the sex and kink was brought to a screeching halt for a while.

We entered in the relationship one way, and the situation changed...just a thought.

Frankly there is no difference in my mind between "bait & switch" and one partner being unwilling to work on things when they come up because both of these situations are a mismatch of effort to maintain the relationship, right?

It is hard for a dominant when things are out of our control -- scenewise or otherwise. But you know I notice it's hard on Fox too even though he's my slave.

Today when I was very upset at my computer pissing me off and damn don't it feel like the entire freaking world is setting up barriers to my defense, he just stopped and knelt in front of me and held me. Then he said "Mistress, we aren't going anywhere until your heart stops beating so fast." He was shaking when he said it.

It was the most wonderful thing in the world and exactly what I needed.

Life is this way -- it throws craps at us both, it makes us both feel helpless from time to time, and then we return to our roots and each other to recenter.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to spanklette)

RE: Bait and Switch? Kinky dating, but after marriage -... - 10/4/2007 5:28:23 PM

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline

So many people are confused about their sexuality. Women who can be free before marriage feel afterwards that a wife and mother shouldn't be sexually minded. And a great many men feel that way about the mother of their children. The madonna/whore thing.

Religion has a great many sins to answer for IMO.

(in reply to thetammyjo)

RE: Bait and Switch? Kinky dating, but after marriage -... - 10/4/2007 5:31:52 PM

Posts: 2107
Joined: 4/8/2004
Status: offline

um what you are seeing is what we call tourist. I want to try it cause it is in the in thing or they have said I think i am kinky there for i must be like everyone here confused and dazed or something. the truth of it is your either kinky or not. and you were long kinky before there was sites net and everything else normally at a very early age. So it is how you are wired

(in reply to Celeste43)

RE: Bait and Switch? Kinky dating, but after marriage -... - 10/4/2007 8:47:20 PM

Posts: 2739
Joined: 2/12/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

Have you been with someone who was kinky and open minded in the courting stages of your relationship, then after you got married, decided kink was not only something they were not interested in "a little" - but something they would never do at all? How did they explain their change of heart? What did you do to address the situation?

Akasha

That's rather easy.

You kill them.

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Bait and Switch? Kinky dating, but after marriage -... - 10/5/2007 5:39:27 AM

Posts: 1779
Joined: 2/16/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: spanklette

Actually, I was guilty of this...and still am to some extent, although it's not about the D/s...it's about the sex.

Around Christmas last year I had a panic attack that scared me right back on my meds. I've juggled medications trying to find my libido again, but all of my medical options have sexual side-effects...I just wish one of them would fire my libido up! Daddy and I go to the same doctor and sometimes visit him together trying to solve this conundrum. It's really frustrating, honestly.

Daddy and I have talked about it and I am trying to decide what to do...whether to stay on my meds or not. He wants me to stay on them, but I feel guilty that my sex drive has changed so dramatically.

I just thought I'd say something from the other-side of the equation...sometimes it really is about situational changes.

PS. I'm not looking for advice on this issue, we've made decisions together with our doctor as far as this is concerned...I was merely offering up a point of view from the other side.

hon, its not quite the same thing. you are TRYING to work on the issue, you arent happy with the way things are, you want to go back to the way things were.

that's a LOT different from a female who literally turns her face for a kiss on the cheek AT the wedding because she has no intention of being sexual any longer. and yes, i've known a couple of those...

*hugs*

kitten

(in reply to spanklette)

RE: Bait and Switch? Kinky dating, but after marriage -... - 10/5/2007 6:33:23 AM

Posts: 1776
Joined: 1/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

Have you been with someone who was kinky and open minded in the courting stages of your relationship, then after you got married, decided kink was not only something they were not interested in "a little" - but something they would never do at all? How did they explain their change of heart? What did you do to address the situation?

Akasha

I couldn't, wouldn't and haven't put up with bait and switch tactics. Last girl who tried that was out on her ass the same day. Lie to me once, shame on you..............

_____________________________

If you love somebody, you have to be willing to break them.

Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.

Have you slapped your slave today?

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Bait and Switch? Kinky dating, but after marriage -... - 10/5/2007 6:33:46 AM

Posts: 153
Joined: 9/19/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

Have you been with someone who was kinky and open minded in the courting stages of your relationship, then after you got married, decided kink was not only something they were not interested in "a little" - but something they would never do at all? How did they explain their change of heart? What did you do to address the situation?

Akasha

Traumatic memories abound in these questions, hehe.

In my experience, the explaination they gave was weak and smacked of deceit. As for how I addressed the situation, I ended the relationship within 24 hours.

I can't tolerate lies. And even if it wasn't lying but a true change of heart, it's still not a relationship I care to be in. Either way, it's over.

-DR

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Bait and Switch? Kinky dating, but after marriage -... - 10/5/2007 6:39:01 AM

SillyGirl4HerSir

Posts: 1
Joined: 9/13/2007
Status: offline

I TOTALLY know what you mean. I was married to a man for almost six years who had Zero interest in anything remotely kinky, yet he had acted as if he was interested in it before marriage. My mistake was in not waiting long enough before marrying.

Needless to say, that didn't work out because eventually I needed to be free. And a blessing it was too because otherwise I would not have met the wonderful man I have now. And I probably would not have appreciated him as much.

Someone else asked if this is why people do things on the side.... and I have to agree. I think a lot of people fool around because they are not getting something at home. I did not get kink outside of my marriage, but i do think a lot of people do based on the number of 'married' ones on here seeking others. I am totally cool with that if their partners are accepting, but it doesn't seem so great for anyone involved when that is not the case.

My thoughts. Have a good one!

(in reply to Dnomyar)

RE: Bait and Switch? Kinky dating, but after marriage -... - 10/5/2007 7:11:32 AM

Posts: 3263
Joined: 5/30/2007
Status: offline

my husbands ex wife...on the night of their wedding, rolled over with her back to him and said "my mom said I dont have to have sex anymore once Im married".....well...needless to say that has something to do with why shes his ex.....

_____________________________

I said I was a submissive, I never said I was a GOOD submissive.

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.
~Woody Allen

(in reply to SillyGirl4HerSir)

RE: Bait and Switch? Kinky dating, but after marriage -... - 10/5/2007 7:12:51 AM

Posts: 153
Joined: 9/19/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: GhitaAmati

my husbands ex wife...on the night of their wedding, rolled over with her back to him and said "my mom said I dont have to have sex anymore once Im married".....well...needless to say that has something to do with why shes his ex.....

Oh God... this is a recipe for instant male rage.

-DR

(in reply to GhitaAmati)

RE: Bait and Switch? Kinky dating, but after marriage -... - 10/5/2007 8:22:39 AM

Posts: 1335
Joined: 7/28/2007
From: Kawarthas, Ontario, Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo

quote:

ORIGINAL: Bobkgin

I was in a four-year relationship with a woman who lied about being bi-curious.

She told me she'd lied to keep me in her life.

I found her betrayal of my trust so profound that I couldn't find it in me to trust her further, and ended the relationship.

I totally agree with this.

Why should you trust someone who has lied to you and done so for very selfish reasons? Claims of "I lied because I love you" are really just cover for being selfish or afraid to be alone.

More people should have your self respect, Bobkgin. Perhaps then there were be fewer heartaches and folks would stop lying to impress or control.

Thank you TammyJo.

This was the first relationship where it was understood from the beginning it would be a poly relationship.

There had been many false starts and many assurances from her that this was the life she wanted. A host of delaying tactics became obvious once she'd confessed.

I felt thoroughly manipulated by my trust in her.

While I have always wanted the truth more than anything else from those I love, I started emphasizing that point a lot more after my break-up with her.

Not that this will protect me from a deliberate liar.

_____________________________

When all is said and done, what will you regret?

That you never really lived?

Or there was so much living left to do?

For those interested: pics and poetry have been added to my profile.

(in reply to thetammyjo)

RE: Bait and Switch? Kinky dating, but after marriage -... - 10/5/2007 8:28:06 AM

Posts: 1335
Joined: 7/28/2007
From: Kawarthas, Ontario, Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DocRudy

quote:

ORIGINAL: GhitaAmati

my husbands ex wife...on the night of their wedding, rolled over with her back to him and said "my mom said I dont have to have sex anymore once Im married".....well...needless to say that has something to do with why shes his ex.....

Oh God... this is a recipe for instant male rage.

-DR

Thus was born the "Rule of Thumb", an old English law that said you could beat your wife, but only if the rod was no thicker than your thumb.

< Message edited by Bobkgin -- 10/5/2007 8:29:36 AM >

_____________________________

When all is said and done, what will you regret?

That you never really lived?

Or there was so much living left to do?

For those interested: pics and poetry have been added to my profile.

(in reply to DocRudy)

RE: Bait and Switch? Kinky dating, but after marriage -... - 10/5/2007 9:34:51 AM

Posts: 732
Status: offline

Like RealDeal says, I guess you met my SO. My ex was into kinky sex when we first got together but I got really tired of being the teacher and initiator. He just couldn't think for himself and expand on it. I guess my submissive personality was there even then. I stopped when he found an old puppy collar of mine and started degrading the bdsm lifestyle and anyone who would "shame themselves to become like a dog". Being young, stupid and in love, I went along with it and denied that part of myself. We became the stereotypical vanilla missionary type couple with boring sex on Saturday nights after the kids were in bed if he was sober enough. I must say, rediscovering kink and the lifestyle after leaving him was a huge enlightenment to me.

Is it something like a pick-up line with some people? An acting of someone they're not just to "get the girl"? Or is it they decide that it's too much work to keep on with, to let their imagination roam? Or do they fall into the societal norm of "this is perversion" and stop before they get found out? Who knows?

_____________________________

There is no such thing as can't unless it is followed by yet

It is the meaningless little acts that become meaningful in the doing.

The people that mind don't matter and the people that matter don't mind.

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Bait and Switch? Kinky dating, but after marriage -... - 10/5/2007 10:10:24 AM

Posts: 137
Joined: 11/29/2005
Status: offline

I married the first woman I came out to in part because she didn't reject me. We played before we got married and for maybe 3 or 4 years after we got married, but she eventually decided that kink wasn't her thing. She never realized how much a part of me bondage was and I never realized it wouldn't grow into something more for her. By the time we had these realizations, we already had a child and I wasn't willing to leave my marriage for the sake of my sexuality. My wife encouraged me to find a partner and I came *this close* but I decided that involving a third person when I wasn't naturally poly would only pull me farther from my wife and family (now two kids). So, I developed online friends (though not cybersex) as an outlet. We lived in this state of kink detente for a number of years and probably would have continued until the boys were up and out of the house, but my wife came out as a lesbian a couple of years ago, so we've parted amicably. It's been a healthy breakup - it makes a huge difference when both partners leave to pursue their true (and incompatible) sexual orientations. I have no real regrets. We made the best choices we were capable of at the time and we got two terrific boys out of the deal. I *will* say that an enthusiastic partner is light years more enjoyable than someone who's just willing to go along.

Vice

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Bait and Switch? Kinky dating, but after marriage -... - 10/5/2007 10:53:49 AM

Posts: 2933
Joined: 6/19/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Bobkgin

quote:

ORIGINAL: DocRudy

quote:

ORIGINAL: GhitaAmati

my husbands ex wife...on the night of their wedding, rolled over with her back to him and said "my mom said I dont have to have sex anymore once Im married".....well...needless to say that has something to do with why shes his ex.....

Oh God... this is a recipe for instant male rage.

-DR

Thus was born the "Rule of Thumb", an old English law that said you could beat your wife, but only if the rod was no thicker than your thumb.

Get in a rage and beat your wife over it?? i don't care how thick the rod is what happened to working things out, communication, making rational decisions? And if a man did this to a woman should she borrow his rod? Unless someone is in a power exchange relationship no one in that relationship has the right to allow rage to take over and beat the other person.

< Message edited by velvetears -- 10/5/2007 10:54:51 AM >

_____________________________

Religion is for people who are scared of hell, Spirituality is for people who have been there

(in reply to Bobkgin)

RE: Bait and Switch? Kinky dating, but after marriage -... - 10/5/2007 1:47:14 PM

Posts: 1335
Joined: 7/28/2007
From: Kawarthas, Ontario, Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: velvetears

quote:

ORIGINAL: Bobkgin

quote:

ORIGINAL: DocRudy

quote:

ORIGINAL: GhitaAmati

my husbands ex wife...on the night of their wedding, rolled over with her back to him and said "my mom said I dont have to have sex anymore once Im married".....well...needless to say that has something to do with why shes his ex.....

Oh God... this is a recipe for instant male rage.

-DR

Thus was born the "Rule of Thumb", an old English law that said you could beat your wife, but only if the rod was no thicker than your thumb.

Get in a rage and beat your wife over it?? i don't care how thick the rod is what happened to working things out, communication, making rational decisions? And if a man did this to a woman should she borrow his rod? Unless someone is in a power exchange relationship no one in that relationship has the right to allow rage to take over and beat the other person.

From Wikipedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rule_of_thumb):

The notion that the "rule of thumb" was a law that limited the width of a rod that a man may use to beat his wife has been partially discredited. Wife beating has been explicitly illegal in British law since the 1700s, and has never been legally sanctioned in America.[3] However, at least four judges and other legal authorities from 1782 to 1897 have referred to the bogus law in spite of the fact that it never existed.[4]The non-law gained popularity after feminist Del Martin wrote in 1976:

Our law, based upon the old English common-law doctrines, explicitly permitted wife-beating for correctional purposes. However . . . the common-law doctrine had been modified to allow the husband 'the right to whip his wife, provided that he used a switch no bigger than his thumb'--a rule of thumb, so to speak.

It is now firmly entrenched as an urban myth.

_____________________________

When all is said and done, what will you regret?

That you never really lived?

Or there was so much living left to do?

For those interested: pics and poetry have been added to my profile.

(in reply to velvetears)

RE: Bait and Switch? Kinky dating, but after marriage -... - 10/5/2007 2:40:03 PM

Posts: 2933
Joined: 6/19/2006
Status: offline

i don't care about the law regarding rule of thumb it was the implication of your words regarding when a man feels rage over being denied sex i had issue with. Being in a rage and beating your wife is abuse.

_____________________________

Religion is for people who are scared of hell, Spirituality is for people who have been there

(in reply to Bobkgin)

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