SusanofO
Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
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quote:
ORIGINAL: akisha
He never did explain it, but it wasn't just kink that stopped. sex in any form pretty much stopped after the wedding. I was totally not impressed.
This happened to me as well, akisha (except it wasn't kinky sex that stopped, "just" "Vanilla" sex) - there may well be a club of we types of ladies out there...we'd never had kinky sex, and I didn't discover until well into my marriage that I really really wanted anything BDSM. I once even accused my husband of "driving me to it" - and said that all of my desires for sex of any kind had been pent up for so long, that they had curdled into a melting pot of what resulted in a drive for kink and D/s. I am not sure if that's true, but I know the desire has been there, in strong or more subtle form, ever since I allowed myself to discover it.
The way I handled it was to beg, plead, scream, throw things, trying to get him to understand how frustrated I had become with our apparently soul-less romantic and physical relationship - and I finally came out and asked if he'd mind if I had an affair to satisfy my desire for sex and kink as well, since he obviously wasn't going to fulfill it.
He said No, that would be wrong of me to do - since I was married to him - and I told him that if he didn't want a divorce (he did not) that left me with my hands completely tied (so to speak), and that I felt we were going to have to have some kind of an arrangement that would work for us both - but that if he was going to be completely unreasonable, that I was going to pursue one that would work for me - and I did.
After a few years, I decided he was genuinely asexual (some people are. They are pretty rare, IMO, but they're out there, and I am convinced I was married to one of those people). I can only think he must have been faking his moderate (but definitely existent) apparent desire for sex which he did seem to have before we got married. But looking back, it seemed I initiated it more often than he did. He was not gay - I do know that.
But we were compatible on other fronts for quite awhile, so it wasn't all bad. He had a lot of nice things about him - but he also wanted to be a monk - and I just, I just.....oh man. I can't do it. I can, but I just hate it. and hate what I become when I try. I sort of think we initially got together for all of the wrong reasons. In a way, it was maybe poignant that we found eachother - but it wasn't probably really all that "healthy" (it's a long, boring story).
I eventually (after about a year) broke things off with my ex-Dominant, partly out of guilt for "betraying" my husband (even though I think he knew what was doing, because I told him I was going to do it - we hadn't had sex in over 9 years, at that point), and partly because my Dominant and I were not as compatible as I'd initially thought. But my ex-Dominant had managed to open up a whole new world, for me.
I still find it pretty hard to feel truly guilty about what I did, regardless of the fact I am sure there are many people who would classify it as a "slutty" move, I suppose. I still feel pretty much justified in what I decided to do, and how I handled it.
I didn't throw it in his face - but I wasn't about to give up my need for physical and BDSM needs being met (which I'd managed to deny for years, out of some stultified sense of obligation), just because he couldn't seem to deal. I do feel obligated to not be deliberately mena and cruel to someone ** But -where the point is, exactly at which one is required to give up their enitre chance for happiness to satisfy a legal obligation is another question entirely, IMO.
People always seem to suggest counselling for these types - but that only works if both people want it. I also don't consider myself a sociopath. No sex and no divorce equals misery unless some alternate arrangements are made, IMO. Oh well...(I think many of us have had a discussion on that topic a few times here at CM, hehe. No need to go there again...)
But it is an interesting topic, IMO, because it's so individual that easy solutions defy a streamlined - "one answer fits all" approach, IMO. But I haven't really got enough energy at the moment to discuss it - although if anyone else wants to pick up the ball, I'd happily toss my two cents back in. I am just wound up, I guess - and that;s why I am talking so much. It's been an electrifying week (for altogether different reasons).
Anyway - I see myself as an evolving sexual being - not as static at all. I recently (about 9 months ago) decided to pursue acting on what I saw as my "Switch" tendencies- and I really appreciated opening up that side of myself, too. So - things are changing every once in a while, as far as how I view myself in the BDSM "world". It is an interesting world, and I am glad I discovered it, overall.
It still freaks me out how almost accidental it was that I did, too. Fortunately for me, I am a pretty curious person, and don't care one whit about what some conventional people think maybe is "weird" - I don't know what that word really means. To me, it doesn't have much meaning, anymore (if it ever did). I do know for a long time, I felt I was letting some people down -it took awhile for me to really realize that I mattered a little, too.
I have lately been intrigued when I see those questions about: Would you "Go Vanilla" for the right person? I am just the type (I really am, hehe) who would say "yes" to that in a flash of excitement and optimism- and live to regret it (I just know it) - but fortunately now, I know myself better than I did years ago..so maybe that won't happen (because I do stillo see - occasionally - "Vanilla" types. Hope that isn;t breaking anyone's little "rulebook" . Anyway - at least if it does, my eyes will be wide open, this time (even if I still do a foolish thing).
I know the question was about what to do if someone changes what they said they intially wanted as far as kink, once a "committed" relationship is underway - But - I do think the topic is transferable to other situations - sorry to bring it up again, for anyone who already knows this story...it's a pretty common one, I am betting. Life is just so strange, sometimes.
- Susan
< Message edited by SusanofO -- 10/5/2007 10:41:15 PM >
_____________________________
"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson
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RE: Bait and Switch? Kinky dating, but after marriage -... - 
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